A Street Guide to Perth Worsts

Over the last 3 years, there have been certain arteries of worsts that turn up again and again, and which have also had new descriptors established by readers. I thought it might be useful to solidify the definitions and also lay them out in one place so newcomers can familiarise themselves. I hope other thoroughfares can be renamed appropriate to their greatness, although this process cannot be forced. I have also included the best views from Google street I could find.

The Arrondisement, (sometimes TEH Arrondisement) formerly known as Beaufort Street, home to many, many worsts, current and vanished. Perhaps best represented by this ant covered dead octopus and diaper cakes, The Arrondisement starts at the city, extending through Highgate, Mt Lawley and Inglewood, finally dying in the arse in Bayswater. (Google Streetview.) The Boulevard of Broken Worsts aka Alexander Drive is probably best remembered for these odd items, but it is the centre for much activity nearby, including the awsome Stargate.   The Boulevard travels through many shithouse areas, (eg Malaga), some as yet unplumbed by worst searchers, but Yokine, Dianella have been the main sources. It continues on from the North perth Barrio as seen below.     (Google Street View)Las Ramblas, aka Oats Steet Carlisle, where door meets window. Also the centre of much activity  nearby, including the amazing flamingo letterbox. Goes through Carlisle and Lathlain, not far from lesbian witch murder house, until it is stopped in its tracks by Bourbon Street.  (Google Street View)

my beautiful friend

The Barrio, aka Fitzgerald Street, although The Barrio can cover many North Perth locations. Known for the testicle polishing activities of its residents.  Becomes The Boulevard of Broken Worsts as it leaves civilisation.  (Google Street View)And the recently named Bourbon Street, aka Albany Highway named to honour Victoria Park, Perth’s New Orleans. There’s only one place for the sweetest cajun cooking with a dirty sax a playin than Bourbon Street’s Cash Twon. Bourbon Street travels through some of the city’s premier toilets, before reaching Albany many hours later. (Google Street View)And there’s also the Bumpkobahn, Bumpkin Highway, aka Forrest Highway that ends up in the Labrea tarpit of worst Bunbury, while bypassing Crabtown Mandurah.

About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
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159 Responses to A Street Guide to Perth Worsts

  1. Bag O'Turnips says:

    Teh Arrondissement doesn’t just die in the arse in Bayswater, where Major DVD’s recent move up the street may render this soon into a Vanished Worst, but take a left due North at Charlie’s, where State Route 53 indeed does continue its misery, through manifold minefields of Worsts in eastern Morley, such as Hampton High and my palatial digs, then continuing North, to the salubrious estate of Beechboro, whereby you know you’ve ventured beyond the outer limits of civilisation when you see the sign welcoming you to that alleged City Of
    Swan. Keep motoring (for th footpath soon runs out) to the stately erections of the high-tension power pylons, cross Marshall Road, to Potters Fundie Funland, Whiteman Park, Cullacabardee Community, a rifle range, terminating at Route 83, Gnangara Road, to the pine plantation.

    Only continue if you’re a bogan with an RV or a serial killer, wishing to sodomise your victim and then leave them for dead in a shallow grave.

    Gives a new perspective on Perth when you consider that Teh Arrondissement Plus, Route 53 or the 4Bs start at the Barrack Street Jetty and end up in some patch of desolate urban deferred woodlands. Hmm.


  2. Rob says:

    The Stargate is still my favourite worst. I like to think it comes out the other end in She Rah’s apartment.


  3. Bag O'Turnips says:

    Also do not forget the Highway To Hell, aka the Canning Highway…plenty of worsts there! Firecracker Chinese Restaurant (closed but still there), numerous houses of questionable taste, some commissioned-graffiti bus shelters in the City Of Melville, the poncified Raffles, etc.


  4. vegan says:

    some fine worsting this morning tla.


  5. JaneZ says:

    People moved in to the lesbian witch murder house quite recently – it was for sale for a very, very long time. Not sure if it was the murder aspect or the proximity to the Red Castle that was the main problem. Anyway, they’ve painted it cream. Still screams lesbian witch murder to me.


  6. JaneZ says:

    You’d think so wouldn’t you. Just horrendous. From the train you can see the back shed. I wonder if they at least got new wheely bins, post LWM.


  7. shazza says:

    You want worst? Try driving into the city on a Sunday. Just drove in and straight out again. Where did all those people come from? And on a Sunday? Fucking Outrage.
    That’ll teach me to cross the bridge. Never again.

    Though the UWA Up markets were very nice.


  8. Mez says:

    …did I ever attempt to insert White Scum Valley into the vernacular? If not, I apologise and hereby insert it…


  9. ronggly says:

    Could we not include Scarborough Beach Road, if only for the abominable pile sitting on the beach that is often referred to on these pages.


  10. Natalia Fan #1 says:

    Wasn’t there some discussion at one point as to possible descriptors for Fremantle / South Terrace?


  11. JaneZ says:

    Even Carlisle has a strip these days, if you believe the real estate agents.


    • Ljuke says:

      I keep saying it’s the new Leederville, but no one will take me up on it. WE HAVE A CAFE NOW, DAMNIT.


      • JaneZ says:

        Well yeah, but I defy you to stand outside the conjunction of the dog grooming joint and the creepy fish and chipper and invoke Leederville like that. Although I do think there are *two* cafes now, which is a strip in anyone’s language.


        • Ljuke says:

          Maybe we need some girls dressed as naughty nurses and angels walking around at night to make it truly Leedervillesque?

          Have you noticed there is a private detective agency on that same strip? I’m telling you, Carlisle is the place to be.


          • JaneZ says:

            The place to be indeed. I note they have also identified something known as the “top end” of Carlisle, which I think means as far away from Oats St as possible.


            • shazza says:

              About 6 years ago Mr Shazza and I sold a duplex pair in Carlisle. Boy do we feel silly now.


            • Bag O'Turnips says:

              Probably Archer Street, where the Drive-In Buddhist Temple and Lube is next door to McSweeny’s the Self-Circumcising Butchers.

              Heck, if I were a developer, I’d be pushing those two cultural attractions of Carlisle as a reason to be part of the scene, yay! Invite your vegan neighbours over for a barbeque in your new trendy townhouse!


                • JaneZ says:

                  Yes, Archer St. The butchers has new signage now, not a knife or a willy in sight, in the front of the shop in any event, and the Buddhists have moved out altogether – the drive in karma joint has been up for lease for some time now. They are clearly having problems identifying another suitable tenant. Some sort of doomsday cult would be about right. In other news, the as-yet-unfeatured-here Swiss restaurant is still operating, no thanks to me I might add.


                  • Bag O'Turnips says:

                    The swingin’ social set of Carlisle last night could have moseyed on up to President Street to the Embassy Ballroom and grooved along to the latest tunes showcased on 6IX’s Jukebox Saturday Night Live…what fun indeed! (I knew this sad fact due to the radio being dictated at work by the more mature set, can’t say all the songs played on the last bastion of music-only on the AM
                    band are complete rubbish—heck, some would have that added ooshta pumped out of TLA’s Onkyo!)

                    Vibrancy in Carlisle, here we come!


                  • Bag O'Turnips says:

                    To actually reply to JaneZ, thanks for the update: I may work in Rivervale, but I try to avoid Carlisle as much as I can!

                    Now that the Buddhists no longer offer a drive-in Karmic wheel alignment service, I have a suggestion as to whom would be an appropriate future tenant…


    • Perineum says:

      yes, but strips in Carlisle have a whole different meaning and are best avoided. except by real estate agents, who seem to like that sort of thing.


  12. Perineum says:

    Has this fine archive ever featured the Mormon Church in Dianella, just off the Boulevard? Truly a worst. It is remiss of me not to have a photo to submit, but then the memory of first seeing it, at night, with that appalling statue all lit up, is seared in my mind: “What the FUCK!!!” Which is, of course, no way to conceptualise a House of God, and probably not what the designers had in mind, but somewhat inevitable for the rest of us.

    Anyway, has anyone snapped it?


  13. Slanderer says:

    Sorry, I just woke up. All this and no mention of the futuristic don’t-need-a-car, walk or cycle anywhere through the underpasses dream planned garden suburb of Karawara?


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  19. The Legend 101 says:

    What the hells a Bourbon anyway?, I know where that wired step thing is its Yokine Reserve, Near Terry Tyzac Auquanic Centre, Are you sure thats Bayswater and how did that octopus get there anyway.


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  24. Bento says:

    Late notice for lovers and lobbers of The Arrondissement.

    An information session for anyone wanting to participate in the Arrondissement Festival 2011 (late November 2011, most likely) will be held tonight at Luxe Bar, 446 Beaufort Street, from 6pm – 7pm. More information available here.

    After I was rebuffed last year, I will be pushing even harder for a Festival parade to be led by the Metrosexuals on Fixies.


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  33. Dylan H. says:

    I would like to propose the addition of Wanneroo Road and Marmion Avenue to this list, both of which see much sprawling worst.


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  49. orbea says:

    Canning Highway desperately needs a focus a point of common worstness, an identifying avatar, from the Raffles (hello Shellz and Kev) through Mont Agoniste (Mt Pleasant) Pome de Ponce (Applecross) and Bicton ( ? ), this ribbon of shittyness needs a handle.
    ANY ACDC fucktards can fuck off


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