The Lament of The Six Million

Six million achieved! Thanks for all of your views from all round the world. Been five years semi closed and the best boat ramp for Dogging has still not been resolved.

Posted in worst of perth | Tagged | 11 Comments

Save Our Blank Walls

Perth wall muzak has reached such a low point that it now has a system default font and clip art. Plonked – apparently without irony, next to what I think is the city’s only piece of political graff. I hope Chilly’s was offering more than free Gazas. Very jaunty fonts on the Free Gaza and the Kwik Skips. Certainly both a cut above the unfortunate unblanked wall. Is that arial on the Chilly’s?

The resulting festival of mediocrity resulted in another couple of tame pieces of visual pollution in Mt Lawley assumedly from the same stable of tame exterior decorators (artists would be a stretch), that still infest the rest of the city. No more blank walls. Jeezus. Manages to be threatening, and boring at the same time. Fuck them. Only thing that relieves the tedium of this is the parking sign taped to it.

Posted in played, Wall murals, worst art, worst ideas, worst public art, worst sign, worst typography | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Rap Mobile

Attempts to revitalise the Beaufort Street area in Mt Lawley have generally failed. (Although not entirely).But a Rap Mobile might just do the trick. Imagine hundreds of Rap Wagons stretching all the way to Inglewood! Parked outside The Queens Hotel. Which is sadly pheromone free these days.

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A Two Snack Solution

Is it now unfashionable to believe in a “two snack solution”? Beaufort Street, which used to be a prime TWOP location back in the day. Outrage Cohen saw the tectonic shift of food fashion in Mt Lawley, and managed to get it in focus. Unlike The Queens decor, Some things have changed! Just near the new Orbit Inne and the Seinfeld. Can’t remember if I had a Falafelz? Am I part of the problem? Might give a Bagelo a go.

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Rooting on The Wrackline

Tim Winton will deliver The Perth Festival Writers Week closing address Feb 2022.
Images from The Sunday Times.

Phwoar! He opened the Sunday Times. And Phwoar! Again! The magazine was chockers with quotes! And photos of him walking on the beach. So imaginative. “Line in The Sand” Brilliant! Imagination was leaking out of this piece like vinegar from a wilting chips cup.

Hold on though. “I was unconscious of the fact that I was having relations with the sea in the sense of being in a relationship with it…” He paused. Had he really said that? Sounded a bit like he was rooting the backswash. Hope there wasn’t a #seatoo movement. That sort of talk might get him cancelled.

He shifted on the jarrah dunny seat and reached for the builder’s pencil balanced on the top of the eco bog roll. Phwoar! Cancel culture. That’s what he’d do for the writer talk. He shuddered as he recalled dipping his toe into the topic of “toxic masculinity”. That had gone down like warm Passiona. No, cancel culture, cancel culture.. What he wouldn’t give to be interesting enough to be cancelled. Writing exclusively about fish, wave and and wind was barely enough to raise a stifled yawn these days – although that time he’d suggested Buffalo Bream were skittish rather than insolent was a… Hmmm… cancelled…what could he write? That’s the trouble being reclusive. All you had were stale memories. Stale like a jumbo packet of plain salt Samboys, left out in a bowl too long rather than kept sensibly in the foiled packet, the inside of which would inevitably be as slick and shimmery as a Dolphinfish after a lure.

He slapped his bare leg. Why couldn’t he get cancelled? Like JK Rowling, who couldn’t write a decent line if she had to save herself from a lurking Bull Shark? “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us…” What the fuck was that? Could the light not be brutal and enervating like 8am on a blistering February, when the Easterly had blown all night and the Doctor was nowhere to be seen? And couldn’t the dark be the black blue flank of a Cobbler, sinewy as the leather strap the old man used to threaten the kids with before he shot through? Dark as the weeds on a moonless night in Fay’s Bay, rugose and leathery? And yet she was the one who could get cancelled. Maybe he would need to open with a solid 45 minutes of the different types of waves at Port Beach, before slipping into teh cancel culture. Just to be safe.

Phwoar, but cancelled eh? Umm, maybe – Writers were being cancelled like the milk and paper when you were off on the holiday to Mandurah, and the old man would pack the esky with the cheapest gristle filled sausages and enough ice to survive the trip in the back of the station wagon, (the very same esky he had taken when he shot through again,) while the kids fartarsed and shyacked on the scorching bench seat, the territory shifting like the map of eastern Europe – Mum! Clacka’s in my space..!

Yeah, nah. His guts churned but failed to move. Christ hadn’t he learnt the lesson of the chillie sauce option on the chips enough times? Jeezus, he’d also double dipped with the aioli as well, hadn’t he? Urrk. Phwoar! Talk about writer’s block… This was going to be harder than he thought…

Sunday Times Magazine 20/2/2022


Sunday Times 20/2/2022
Posted in multiple worsts, phwoar, worst book, worst fashion, worst of perth, worst writer | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Six Questions to ask Yourself Before not Commissioning a Mural in Western Australia


As Western Australia’s bankrupt “street art” scene staggers on, (I was in York the other day, hoping that the mural being painted in the main street wasn’t going to have a black cockatoo or be terrible. And of course it did. And it was.) So I thought it would be useful to post this here, so that anyone can send out the link to the next dimwit wanting to commission the same boringly painted bird on a wall near you. And I don’t blame the civic decorators so much (they are not artists in this context) – the scene itself does not allow anything good to be done. I don’t know, maybe the usual crew infesting our walls again and again with the same kangaroo paws, numbats and draught horses also groan when asked to recreate their same old stuff? Maybe they really do have that piece of biting social commentary in them, but have just never gotten the chance to do anything good? Or is it more likely that the safest and least imaginative decorators just get chosen because anyone good won’t even bother applying? Next time you smell a bad mural commission in the wind, send them these six questions to ask themselves.

So you’ve decided to commission a mural?


1). Is it because you can’t think of anything else? (AKA do you really have no imagination at all?)
If you’ve somehow become responsible for spending someone else’s money on public art, be that for a community, a local or state government body or NGO, are you commissioning a mural because you just can’t think of anything else? A mural is the single most boring and predictable solution to public art in Western Australia. If you don’t have an overwhelmingly good reason for inflicting one on your community, (and you won’t), think of a different option. Come on. How about literally anything else

2). Have you considered the location carefully?
Remember if you let someone paint some crap on a charming 1920s shop brick wall or heritage listed dam, it’s likely ruined forever. Consider whether the (inevitably tedious) mural you will approve is reversible. If you are going to commission an eyesore (and you will), make sure that your dumb mistake won’t be soaking into brick or concrete forever.

3).Are you really the best person to be judging artworks?
Do you know anything about public art? Or art at all? If you are a local councillor, it’s probably best to just stick to organising bins with different coloured lids. Be creative as you like with that. Maybe have an arts officer for arts and stick to their decision. If you are thinking that painting a Black Cockatoo on the side of the something in your community “would be a lovely idea!” or “cheerful”, you are absolutely the wrong person to be deciding on public art! Back away quickly.

4). Do you think you are doing Street Art?
If the piece you are commissioning is to be approved by a council or committee, then it is not street art. It’s not even art. It is called civic decoration, and has the same status as slightly fancy brick paving. Those doing it are civic decorators not artists in this context. It’s not really your fault. The concept of street art doesn’t even exist in Western Australia. If you want to see what street art is like, give artists the freedom to do anything they want on a space. And if it turns out to be political or social commentary rather than another Black Cockatoo or a fucking Kangaroo Paw, and you don’t think that is a good thing, then excuse yourself from the role.

5). Do you think you are making your community unique?
If that’s what you want to achieve, then painting yet another flora and fauna scene on a wall or a silo is making your community exactly the same as every other location that thought that bland chocolate box crap would be a good idea. It’s just a flag saying that “imagination doesn’t live here”.

6). Is it something disconnected from your community now, or even racist?
Almost as tedious a choice as another black cockatoo or kangaroo paw is the historical theme. Unfortunately murals often concentrate on a certain section of whitey culture from the early 20th century, often but not always, those done in rural areas. Shearers, diggers etc. you know what I mean. Apart from being universally terribly done, is this where your community is at now? Or going to be in the future? I mean don’t ever commission a mural, for all the reasons above, but don’t make it racist and backward looking as well as an eyesore! Same goes for any Marilyn Monroe, Seinfeld, Sophia Loren or other celebrity not connected to the place you might be thinking is a good idea.

So if you are in the position of commissioning a mural, answer all the questions above, and still don’t do it. Unless you are in the position of allowing an artist (not a civic decorator) absolute freedom to do what they want and be ready to back the choice, just don’t. Just don’t.

Posted in played, Wall murals, worst art, worst public art, worst wall | Tagged | 16 Comments

Scott of the Bad Carpet

For the TWOP diaspora around the planet still holding onto Tim Winton level nostalgia for the Scotto (The Flying Scotsman née Candy Store) well, it’s just another vanished worst now. Despite seeing the last of the hipsters flat capped and stubbled, pathetically dipping into the Champion Ruby outside last week, the new version The Elford would be more suited to FIFOs draining pints of 50 Lashes at 6:50am on their way to Telfer. And once you’ve seen the interior then you can never unthink “airport bar” I always thought the place was an unpleasant hole myself, perhaps coloured by its proximity to the appalling Seinfeld mural. But many loved the dump. If you’re back for a visit, don’t bother. You might also avoid someone with a guitar doing Billy Joel covers in the corner.

No.
Posted in vanished worst, Wall murals, worst interior design, worst of perth | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

Backside by The Sea

This would have been classic The Worst of Perth back in the day. City Beach. Had to post it even in retirement. I was laughing too much to even check the artist. Nice that Perth public sculpture can still deliver.

Posted in Worst buttocks, worst of perth, worst sculpture | Tagged , | 21 Comments

Buttocks Silenced!

The wonderful neon buttocks – an institution for decades on Barrack Street, were silenced yesterday by a fire, possibly caused by two dildos rubbing together. I hope this upskirting icon can still return.

Here it is in all its glory in 2008

Posted in not worst, phwoar, Worst buttocks, worst of perth, worst shop design, worst sign | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

The Stronghold at El-Kabong

This site has finally been sold. Will the stronghold at El Kabong finally fall? Or will it be the home of a super rich Perth influencer?

The Worst of Perth

Worst Architecture. Guest Post from Master Splinter

For years I’ve lived in hope that the majestic stallions from El Caballo Blanco would come galloping into the old Midland Brick display centre (cnr Scarborough Beach Rd & London St North Perth).It’s begging for it. Would be a shame to see this go, I mean it should remain as a memorial to mighty Midland Brick and what it’s done for Perth, it’s really shaped our city!

el-caballo.jpg

Is there really another option to building with brick in Perth? Obviously not…..Ed, maybe you have some ideas for this site. Ok, the cocos palms have to go, but I could see a string of woodfired pizza ovens in those arches (drive-in style!).

Putting aside your well known stallion fantasies for a moment, can I say Ai Ya! Well posted Splinter! To me it looks more like one of those giant sewer interchanges, or one of…

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