The Worst of Perth

Designs are increasingly winning competitions because they are literally green, and because somewhere they feature a small windmill.
Rem Koolhaas

Simply by not owning three medium-sized castles in Tuscany I have saved enough money in the last forty years on insurance premiums alone to buy a medium-sized castle in Tuscany.
Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

In a rather heated post, where a couple of brave architectural compliant types tried to defend the generally indefensible state of Perth architecture, Designinperth asked, -once everyone had established their hip Speer and Mies knowledge, what we should have in the way of Perth public architecture. Although this site has spasmodically half seriously taken on the built environment over the last four and a half years, smartarsery is generally the forte. However, some guidelines have I feel been established, even while often in the negative. Add your own dos and dont’s with links onsite or off.  How about one of these architectural types whip up something with the Yokens based on these guidelines, or better still, something that subverts it all, with all of the don’ts. (Apart from the Smiths sculpture).  Can’t be worse than all those bogus architectural awards they’re always submitting for only to have some wanker like Koolhaas &cetera swoop in and get the job. So new Perth public architecture, should not:

Have Glass bricks involved.
Have Budget sapping lawsuits.
Be opened by Max Kay
Be built of Salmon brick (although it should have Rolling Stones as tenants).
Have patterned brick.
A testicular motif.
Tilt ups.
Rely on dubious size claims to substitute quality, particularly in reference to Southern hemisphere. Let  me be clear. If the design is claiming to have the biggest sheets of titanium in the southern hemisphere, then tread warily.
A log or load bearing jarrah burl.
Be on the site of something more interesting or better that has been demolished.
Have public art by The Smiths anywhere nearby.
Fucking bells that after construction it is found cannot be rung because of well, loudness.
Mermaids. Although I’m not wedded to that rejection.
Do I need to specify no walruses?

Perth public architecture should have:

Load bearing boozies. Totally. If not load bearing, then walk away.
Eaves.
Alexander The Great and funparks.
Computer generated maps of Tassie in the artist impression.
A cave of creativity.(Possibly the most important piece of the puzzle.)
Suicide prevention initiatives if tall.
public art scratching its arse.
Cthulhu.
A small bar.
A large bar.
State of the art toilets.
Child friendly areas.
Dogging friendly areas.
An island in the shape of a swan. I know, I know, I’ve come round.