Get Tuscany out of my pussy

Posted on July 8, 2009 by AHC McDonald

Andrew was uncertain whether Catherine Deveney really meant to write being raped by beauty, but since she repeats it in the rest of her article, then she must have. Surely she meant “I’m being sodomised by Europe”? which would fit her crazy eye stare a little better. And if she’s really being raped by beauty, shouldn’t the title be “Get Tuscany out of my Pussy” (RIP MRS Slocomb)? Thanks Andrew for that. No thanks for reminding me about that other plonker with the glasses. I thought those other losers would have been given the arse by now. Or at least raped by beauty.

Raped by Europe

Raped by Europe

Posted in worst of perth | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Keep it Real Ellingtons – Please

Posted on July 8, 2009 by AHC McDonald

Only a few weeks old, and are fans suggesting that Ellingtons Jazz club is already not “keeping it real”? Whoa! Are 5ths not being flatted?And the please? Polite graffiti is only one step better than sanctioned graffiti.

I thought the place was plenty real when I was there a week or so ago, but perhaps my Twitter newsfeeds have come to reality?

Brawl over beret closes new Perth Jazz Club. 3 patrons of brand new Jazz dive Ellingtons were hospitalised after a fight…

Leave the berets at home! – warns club owner. Berets will be regarded as “colours” by Ellington Jazz Club management following the vicious…

Berets “Symptom not cause”. Jazz fans have hit back at the beret ban at Ellington’s. One member describing himself only as …

real

Posted in worst graffiti | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Matching Volvos

Posted on July 7, 2009 by AHC McDonald

There’s something rather touching about this picture by Hovean of matching old Volvos sharing a shed in Darlington in the Perth hills. Two Volvos, looking as safe as a donger wearing two condoms. I was only saying the other day how I had never had a worst from Darlington, Perth’s original artist colony, where a painter might have gone all plein air on on our arses in the 40’s and 50’s. Perhaps even in the nude. Plein air is French for “outside” for those of you who are not Rob Broadfield, (or even David Bromfield).

Hovean says… A great summation of how good it can get in the Perth hills (Darlington). His and her Volvos tail to tail yet discreetly apart.  Nearby a drum of lube, or maybe biodiesel. The knee braces on the carport posts combine with coloured cappings and clipped corners on the roof to suggest a disciplined yet friendly autonomy.

None of which really makes up for the fact that these plonkers have matching Volvos. Great traditional worst Hovean. I love it.

twice the safeyness

twice the safeyness

Hovean.

Posted in worst car | Tagged , , , , | 36 Comments

The Hanging Gardens of Balcatta

Posted on July 6, 2009 by AHC McDonald

I wanted to take the tone down from my recent rantings on Perth’s media, to take it way down, like a special breed of cat. And what better way to do so than with this lovely, desolate, classic worst shot from Humourworks’ Edward De Bozo. Since this site is of course being archived by The State Library, I can only hope that in a Balcatta 1000 000 years from now, residents looking at the history of of the suburb, will realise that although they have evolved from carbon based to silicon based life forms, that the cactus and sand garden is still there. Maybe there should be a sequel to the play Oh Calcutta titled Oh Balcatta?

garden2

Posted in worst garden | Tagged , | 15 Comments

Wankeurs

Posted on July 5, 2009 by AHC McDonald

I thought I had exhausted Inside Cover and The West rants for now, until Jian sent me their caption competition winner from last week. Japs? Really? Can we expect a photo of an old wall so “chinks” or even “dykes” can be worked in?

Japs? Really?

Japs? Really?

And the day afterI joked about Broadfield “getting wind” of another double parked car, IC does indeed run a follow up to their incredible “car parked in bus bay” expose. Wot fuck going on?

Also, did anyone read Broadfield’s cringeworthy food review of Parliament House dining room in The weekend West mag? The one where he takes IC colleague Daniel Hatch along as if he’s bestowing some noblesse oblige on the poor bastard. Noblesse oblige is French Mr Broadfield, like the word “wankeur”.

“Young Hatch, who’s background is rural, impressed us with his knowledge of all things fodder…” Fuck off you patronising cunt! I assume it shows just how badly “Young Hatch” needs the job that he didn’t ram the Dahl Gram Salmon up Broadfield’s left nostril.  And how does a kitchen where you’d have to “pay him to eat the food'” get a 14 out of 20, which according to his chart is a reccommendation?

On the bright side, you can’t help but applaud the “silken voiced public servant’ who told the the IC crew to fuck right off when they tried to take a photo of the dining room. Bravo.

Posted in worst journalist, worst newspaper | Tagged , , , , , | 118 Comments

The Stepford Comedians

Posted on July 5, 2009 by AHC McDonald

I haven’t done enough twitter news results for a best of this week, but let me offer a screenplay idea.

I have always wanted to write a screenplay called The Stepford Comedians, where a newly arrived guy to the small Perth suburb of Dangerfield, begins to notice that the wives of his new neighbours and colleagues are unnaturally witty. His wife scorns the idea, even as she begins to frequent to small town comedy scene.

To his horror, he notices that his wife suddenly develops incredible comic timing. She’s doing perfect deadpans, pratfalls, double takes, quadruple entendres, amazing repartee.

He confronts the other husbands, and he realises that even though they know something is wrong, they don’t say anything because their womenfolk have become just SO DAMN FUNNY.

After research at the local comedy museum, he becomes convinced that all Dangerfield wives have been replaced by gynoids, robotic woman comedians.

He tries to escape, but his wife convinces him he is mistaken, distracting him by doing Abott and Costello’s “Who’s on first?” routine and then going straight into The Parrot Sketch.

She lures him to the local standup venue, where he is attacked by the comedian wives led by a murderous Magda Szubanski.

As they attack, he says “I don’t get no respect.” but Magda plunges a knife into him. His last words are “Tough crowd.” which gets him some respectful light laughter from the killer robotic female comedians.

What do you think? Any producers out there?

(c) The Lazy Aussie

Posted in worst of perth | Tagged | 8 Comments

Weekend Worstoff 63

Posted on July 4, 2009 by AHC McDonald

I have got a lot of numberplates, but this one is the best i’ve seen for a while. In the carpark of The Brisbane Hotel.
week63mobwogAnd Cookster saw these “Perky Nanas”, as in Red Bull for nanas. Perhaps “Perky bananas” was a little outre. Perky NanaA Guildford letterbox from Outrage Cohen. I think saying no junk mail is a little hoighty toighty for this box. Looks like it would only be good for junk mail.

week63letterboxAnd Thomo took this pic of a shoeless child tux model in Mirrabooka. Shoeless I can accept, but when was the last time a tux was worn in Mirrabooka by an adult, let alone a child. Pants are considered an affectation down that way. Looking closer, I see he is missing a foot. Now THAT’s Mirrabooka. Thanks Thom.

week63tux

Worst well this weekend.

Posted in weekend worstoff | Tagged | 11 Comments

Pam you all to Hell!

Posted on July 3, 2009 by AHC McDonald

Alright, alright, ALRIGHT! I’m doing it. When journalists and media types (not Barra) keep asking when the next Paul Murray rant is coming, I have to oblige. The trouble with Murray is that lately he just hasn’t been bad enough. Ponderous, yes. Boring, most certainly, but unfortunately for us, he hasn’t recently taken to film reviewing or comedy, areas where he is farcically under endowed. He did use his signature phrase “first blush” this week though. Enough? Dear senior journalist, why not walk over and suggest Teh Paul reviews Benjamin Button? That should give me something to get my teeth into. He’s your own colleague!

nurryriver

Much more interesting West wise is that the old work horse (or is that tug boat?) Pam Casellas is finally FINALLY, leaving. She makes sure she doesn’t go without some typical dross though. What? Jeff Newman knew when to retire and did? What are you talking about woman? He was past it when bathtub racing was popular on The Swan. I don’t think you’re really in the best position to judge when someone has overstayed their welcome Pam.

I'm free!

I'm free!

And how many have asked me when I’m again going to put the boot into Inside Cover, the It’s Academic of  contemporary humour. Someone rang me at work in some kind of foaming rage to tell me that they had a police car parked in a bus bay as their highlight. What the fuck is going on down there? What happened to the IC renaissance? It’s like a boring version of The Worst of Perth where they can’t say cunt. When is Daniel Hatch going to just kill Rob Broadfield? I was given a sneak photo of Broadfield’s workflow and layout techniques, which might go a ways to explain La Hatch’s problems. Click for larger version.

icovermockup2

Posted in worst journalist, worst newspaper | Tagged , , , , , | 21 Comments

Drunk Highway

Posted on July 2, 2009 by AHC McDonald

Outrage Cohen snapped this one on a Shenton park bus stop. Not quite as arresting as finding THIS at a bus stop, but a great worst nonetheless. “Redder than our nearest competitors”? Sounds a bit like “Never mind the quality, feel the width.” And on the theme of piss, someone has graffitied “cider” on this bus. Are our graffitiing youth drinking fucking cider now? I won’t be surprised to see Scrumpy, or even “White Wine Spritzer” scratched into some long suffering public transport servant. Cider. Jeezus.

I wanted to find some video of the excellent Perth band The Bamboos, performing “Bottle of Wine” or even “Drunk Highway” as they did so many times at the Shenton Park Hotel, not far from this bus stop. What a great band they were. Was that really a quarter of a century ago? Shents, as discussed here several times before is sadly now an oldie home. Maybe lead Craig Hallsworth is ready for that retirement home by now.  Could only find this clip.

redglobecider

Posted in worst food, worst graffiti | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Nougat Lamb – of Satan

Posted on July 1, 2009 by AHC McDonald

And did not Satan see Jesus as The Lamb? Did he not shew him the way of the lamb until on that cross did Gang A’glae? And then Satan saw too late, no lamb was he, but The Lion of Judah? A nougat Lion of Judah? The lazy Aussie explaining to Cookster how Jesus was Bob Marley.

Curious saw and snapped this at Mondo Nougat in the Swan Valley. Not at  Mondo Bizarro C? A lamb (?) sculpted by Satan himself. Can’t you just feel the eeeeeevil pouring through that flimsy plastic? This is the most sinister confectionary I’ve seen since Sexpo left town. Evil. Eeeeeeevil.

nougatlambnougatlambcu

Posted in worst food | Tagged , | 26 Comments