A showcase of the worst examples of architecture, design, culture and humanity in Perth Western Australia. Posts may contain adult concepts and occasional coarse language.
“I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.”
Muhammad Ali
TWOP stalwart and notorious Rotto Bloggo heavy David “Fucking outrage” Cohen was having a break on Rottnest last week. In between rounds of mini-golf at the Brett Heady Family Fun Centre, he spent some time at the general store…
It was comforting to see the usual crap souvenirs: stubby holders, T-shirts in lurid primary colours, various unspeakable fridge magnets (the thong fridge magnets have been slashed to 50c each), wall plaques with built-in thermometers…but I gasped in horror when I saw this new abomination. The Rottnest Brown Quokka Hat looks nothing like a quokka. What’s with the huge red tongue, blue paws and striped tail? It’s as though a drunken Kiwi importer showed a blurry photo of a Tasmanian Tiger to a Chinese manufacturer…and the result was the Rottnest Brown Quokka Hat. $15.99 to be laughed out of the Quokka Arms
SOAK: Sir! This beer has the taste of a kitchen sponge, the nutritional value of a lentil enema, the alcohol content of a fart in a bottle and the texture – er also very much like a kitchen sponge. I believe I may be at the wrong tasting, damn your bartending eyes!
BARMAN: No sir, I believe you are drinking Speights, the world’s crappiest beer.
SOAK: Ah… yes…So I am. As you were my man.
Why didn’t they put these tastings on the same day, and let them fight it out mano a mano? The rooms are next door to each other in the same building. Would have been nice to have seen the beer tasters pile out, hopped up on piss and chocolate and take apart the tofu testers. Seen at Curtin University.
[Asking to meet with Italian businessmen instead of government officials.] I want to talk to these people because they stay in power and you change all the time.
Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev
World Youth Day shirts now are now available in Target according to Cimbali. They’re not content to drag a corpse to Australia, (although having watched Border Security, I’m not sure that the deadun won’t be heading for the secure incinerator at the airport), but displacing perfectly good joke tshirts at Target with these abominations? This will not stand! Can you get me a shot of them in the bargain bin after Youth Corpse Day is over Cimbali?
In dress, habits, manners, provincialism, routine and narrowness, he acquired that charming insolence, that irritating completeness, that sophisticated crassness, that overbalanced poise that makes the Manhattan gentleman so delightfully small in his greatness.
O. Henry
First time submitter Ant was passing through Myers, saw this scene and immediately thought The Worst of Perth. Thanks Ant. You thoit good.
The Lazy Aussie Live! – Brian Burke Ringtone – Team America goes down. – Free Beer
I will be performing in the The Conservation Council Great Debate on Thursday Week 5th of June. The topic is that Green is the New Black. (ah fuck). Unfortunately I am on the affirmative team. (AH FUCK!) What the hell am I going to say? Seriously give me something. Anything.
Date: WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY, Thursday 5th June 2008.
Time: 8pm (Doors open 7pm with meals available from Charles Hotel)
Where: Comedy Lounge, Charles Hotel, 509 Charles St, North Perth
Tickets: $20
Further information: For tickets or further information contact the Council at conswa@conservationwa.asn.au or (08) 9420 7266
Perhaps you can ask for more information on why they chose such a crappy topic?
Here’s something from a time when I did know what to say.
As a special treat I have crafted youse all the coolest ring tone. With genuine audio from The Corruption and Crime Commission, I give you The Brian Burke Ringtone. Astound your friends when your phone says “Brian Burke speaking.” when someone calls. Davis Cohen has been testing it out and declares it a winner. You should be able to download the mp3 file through the link, then use your phone’s software to add it. I am not going to enter into installation instructions. It works. It’s fantastic.
In more sombre news, it seems that the Team America Van is no more. Last week I went past and saw that the rocket launchers and machine guns had been removed, and even more ominously, the van itself seems to be gone now. Vale Team, vale.
Haven’t visited Bret Treasure’s Free Beer site for a while. (he used to do an I hate The West site). He mostly does online marketing stuff, and he has an excellent photo of bad haircuts at Radio National. He also looks at the so called Wine Dominion, a half arsed attempt to market WA wine outside the Margaret River region. Bret looks mainly at the marketing strategy, but I was more taken with the shithouse logo. That may be two bandaids on a logo that looks like it’s been puked up. What a stinker. Worse even than Howing Wolves Wines.
Have a great weekend, and give me suggestions for Green is The new Black.
How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.
William Faulkner
A nice first submission from Turf. Turf says…
I have driven past this one for years, and wonder if the sign has been left there as a joke. It’s at the intersection of Canning Highway and Stirling Highway, East Fremantle.I think it speaks for itself, the ROOFING 2000 building has a really rusty roof. You don’t see very many houses with a rusty roof these days, but the ROOFING 2000 building has one.
And 2000 sounds so futuristic doesn’t it? Thanks Turf?
Tell me what you feel in your room when the full moon is shining in upon you and your lamp is dying out, and I will tell you how old you are, and I shall know if you are happy.
Henri Frederic Amiel (who was a professor of aesthetics and philosophy. Fortunately he died out 100 years before this lamp began shining.)
Have I had a lamp up before? Cancel all other bets as the Computer Century lamp is the worst of them all. I haven’t even seen an Italian lamp in worse taste than this Chinese one.
Arise ye starvelings from your slumbers
Arise ye prisoners of want
For reason in revolt now thunders
And at last ends the age of cant.
The Internationale.
I’m not sure there isn’t a spelling mistake with that last word, but in any case, I was sent this submission, ostensibly for a new category “worst pay”, from the Australian Services Union who are aiming to increase community service workers’ (mental health/domestic violence/legal centres/financial counseling/homeless) salaries up from an average of about $35,000.
This is a shot of one of the offending offices where they will be demonstrating tomorrow.
I say yeah, workers flag and all that, and the pay does seem pathetically low, but as The Worst of Perth, I’m more outraged by the use of that fucking Papyrus font and the logo. Are the clients supposed to be brown stains to be wiped up by the absorbent paper towel of counselling? And if Ruah is an ancient Hebrew word, isn’t an Egyptian font a little in bad taste, what with the Pharoah and all that? What’s wrong with Comic sans? In any case, support the workers by either blowing your horn as you go by, or sending in any spare fonts or logos you might have. A shower of frogs on their bosses and the State Government, ie, to each according to their needs.
“Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame.”
God. Somewhere in the bible. (I’m not sure he would be getting the outcome he wanted by that course of action).
This neon sign is something of a Perth institution. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t lifting to reveal the neon bottom on Barrack Street. I’m sure it was there in the early 80s if not before. Quite bizarre, but hypnotising nonetheless. I’m going to have to put it in not worst, just for its historical value. Sorry about the footage of my foot though. Despite (or perhaps because of) a decade or more working in video production, I just couldn’t be stuffed editing it.
Thank you for your coffee, seignor.
I shall miss that when we leave Casablanca.
–Ingrid Bergman (Ilsa Lund) Casablanca
Do I have to create a new category of “worst rinsing of the coffee maker” in the office? I don’t want to point fingers, but Ljuke and Laser, J’ACCUSE!!! I’m dreading opening the toaster oven I can tell you.
The Worst of Perth 