Weekend Worstoff 7

The Lazy Aussie Live! – Brian Burke Ringtone – Team America goes down. – Free Beer

I will be performing in the The Conservation Council Great Debate on Thursday Week 5th of June. The topic is that Green is the New Black. (ah fuck). Unfortunately I am on the affirmative team. (AH FUCK!) What the hell am I going to say? Seriously give me something. Anything.

Date: WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY, Thursday 5th June 2008.
Time: 8pm (Doors open 7pm with meals available from Charles Hotel)
Where: Comedy Lounge, Charles Hotel, 509 Charles St, North Perth
Tickets: $20
Further information: For tickets or further information contact the Council at conswa@conservationwa.asn.au or (08) 9420 7266

Perhaps you can ask for more information on why they chose such a crappy topic?

Here’s something from a time when I did know what to say.

As a special treat I have crafted youse all the coolest ring tone. With genuine audio from The Corruption and Crime Commission, I give you The Brian Burke Ringtone. Astound your friends when your phone says “Brian Burke speaking.” when someone calls. Davis Cohen has been testing it out and declares it a winner. You should be able to download the mp3 file through the link, then use your phone’s software to add it. I am not going to enter into installation instructions. It works. It’s fantastic.

In more sombre news, it seems that the Team America Van is no more. Last week I went past and saw that the rocket launchers and machine guns had been removed, and even more ominously, the van itself seems to be gone now. Vale Team, vale.

Haven’t visited Bret Treasure’s Free Beer site for a while. (he used to do an I hate The West site). He mostly does online marketing stuff, and he has an excellent photo of bad haircuts at Radio National. He also looks at the so called Wine Dominion, a half arsed attempt to market WA wine outside the Margaret River region. Bret looks mainly at the marketing strategy, but I was more taken with the shithouse logo. That may be two bandaids on a logo that looks like it’s been puked up. What a stinker. Worse even than Howing Wolves Wines.

Have a great weekend, and give me suggestions for Green is The new Black.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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29 Responses to Weekend Worstoff 7

  1. Squib says:

    Maybe you could interpret it literally and talk about how every girl must have that little green dress for the party season… I mean that’s hilarious, right?

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  2. cimbali says:

    It is reasonable as a serious topic but I am not sure how you can make it funny since there is nothing that amusing about those idiots in their black rooved eaveless Tuscan horrors paying some poor bastard to plant a couple of trees in Doodlakine so they can run their air conditioners 24 hours a day without feeling guilty.
    It is fashionable to be seen to be green – it makes you look younger and slimmer and very hip, whereas actually being green (stomping about in your wellies and homespun and eating your vegies grown in your own garden and manured with your own night soil) just makes you look weird.
    Hey – maybe you should hook your whole talk on night soil I mean there is nothing funnier than toilet humour.

    Like

  3. cimbali says:

    Oh and LA since not becoming green could bring about the end of the world as we know it, maybe you can weave in the story about the Russian cult who had to leave the cave where they were waiting for the world to end because the decaying bodies of two of their former members was causing some serious health concerns.
    I mean if the world is going to end then why can’t we wait for it in the luxury of our air conditioned houses?

    BTW I have just heard that the Wine Dominion logo was done by a very serious and reputable graphic design company!

    Like

  4. Not someone I know I hope!

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  5. cimbali says:

    Not sure who the actual culprit was but it came out of a biggish company that has recently wound down to a backyard office.

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  6. Mr Nguyen* says:

    Green is yesterday’s black. In Melbourne we call it olive.

    Pronounced Nuh-goo-wen.

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  7. There might be something in the baggy green.

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  8. What does the wine logo represent?

    Is it the stain the red sputum makes on the persian after one glass too many?

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  9. Sunili says:

    Thanks for the ringtone, that is GREAT!

    As for the debate topic… heh, you really are Lazy, aren’t you LH?

    I’d mention the facts that some Stella-McCartney-worshiping hippie has written a book with that exact title, that every women’s fashion magazine has done at least one “green” issue, which are all, of course, printed on non-recycled paper (eg current issue of “Madison) and point out that when Cate Blanchett is the spokesperson for http://www.whoonearthcares.com/ you know it’s the new black.

    Like

  10. lactatingbookworm says:

    It’s kind of cool now to come out and say you don’t flush the toilet. So you have an excuse if you’ve left a turd in the toilet when you have visitors.

    Like

  11. I’m writing all these down. Wait, my pencil is broken.

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  12. flynn says:

    A green pencil I hope.

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  13. meccano101 says:

    L.A, these anagrams for ‘Green is the new Black”may help you with your debate.
    Bricks Lengthen A Wee
    A New rebel sketching
    A Benign Heckler Wets
    A Rebel Chewing Kents
    A Benign Elk Wretches
    A Bestrewn Leech King
    As Beer Heckling Newt
    A New Berets Heckling
    A Welsh Beret Necking
    Beg A Wenches Tinkler
    A Gerbils Thence Knew
    As being a heckler went
    A Binge Hecklers Went
    A Brewing Stench Keel
    When Selecting A Kerb
    A Bike Screw Lengthen

    A Bike Crew Lengthens
    A Bent Heckle Swinger

    A Bent Heckler Sewing

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  14. meccano101 says:

    ….and many more just as pertinent.

    Like

  15. The BCF says:

    Two hippie Germans where living in an eco village in Denmark WA, and thought the views of the bay from the top of the composting toilets deck were so spectacular they would sleep up there of an evening. This was allowed by the owners on the proviso they not light any cigarettes up there!! They & the methane digester below would have all gone up together!!

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  16. lactatingbookworm says:

    Before this “it’s cool to be Green” trend my folks would be considered as complete weirdos. But everything we did as new migrants, and kept on doing to this day, was up until recently considered quite eccentric. eg. organic gardening – planting their own vegies in the backyard and using some of the space in the front yard, pissing in pots to save water and provide ammonia fertiliser for plants, capturing rain water in pots and pans (now they have these stainless steel rainwater tanks), saving grey water (they lived through water restrictions in HKG so mum has a fear of running out of water), only ever switching on the lights if you were in the room. When we got new clothes they were usually hand me downs – I think they call it “vintage” now.
    I know this guy, former finance dude, who is now starting a business teaching people how to live – well like cheap and ethnic migrants except you have to pay him lots. It’s so weird to see our new migrant lifestyle, one that made us different and battlers – of the non-Howard variety, is now packaged and marketed in very sleek colours and stylish font.
    Just when my parents decided they would start decluttering their home …

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  17. Impress them with your command of ill-logic : non sequiturs , argument ad hominem , ad nauseum , te deum , name drop, argument by authority ,red herrings , use advanced statistical techniques on a truly crap model of the situation, and my personal favourite : post hoc ergo propter hoc. This would result in a truly Murrian feast.

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  18. cimbali says:

    La here is the link to the creators of the Dominion of Wine logo http://rebdesign.com.au/corp_010.html

    Like

  19. Laser says:

    KERMIT!

    Take your inspiration from that wise frog and the song I remember from my childhood; “It’s Not Easy Being Green”.

    Now that Green is in vogue, at the cutting edge, and the new Black, lets bring back Kermit.

    Like

  20. 18 Cimbali. The portfolio has all these categories, beverage, gourmet, fast moving consumer goods etc, but they are all empty.

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  21. skink says:

    if Al Gore endorses Barack Obama, he’ll be both Green and Black

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  22. skink, I may be using that

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  23. YeahButNoBut says:

    Remember the basis of all comedy debates: Ranga jokes. Everyone loves it when the fantapants take all the hits. Who cares about green and black when there are gingers to be mocked?

    Like

  24. Rage says:

    All I know about the green versus black debate, is that every man and his dog will not stop talking about sustainability. Making it an issue for your corporation is now the easiest way to gain credibility without actually understanding anything about politics, the environment or what sustainability actually means… or how to put it into practice.

    It’s replaced name dropping and claiming to only ever watch the ABC as the number one way for people to appear socially aware.

    Mmm, alleviating upper/ middle class guilt.

    Like

  25. cimbali says:

    (18 Cimbali. The portfolio has all these categories, beverage, gourmet, fast moving consumer goods etc, but they are all empty.)
    LA It is a slightly weird website – once you have clicked onto a category you have to click next before it will show you anything.

    Like

  26. Oh, the next in tiny letters you can hardly see. They did Hawaiian? I always wondered why they used the chinese chracter ren (person) for a building company. There are some nice packages in there though once you find the pics.

    Like

  27. skink says:

    how about “clean coal” for being both black and green.

    if only it weren’t a figment of some marketing man’s fevered imagination, along with ‘virtually fat free’ and ‘light but filling’

    Like

  28. Yeah Skink summarised well. Clean coal always gets a laugh out of me. It would be even funnier if politicians got the joke, but both Howard and his successor Howard Lite will happily rabbit on about it as if it could ever be feasible. Anything to avoid having to do the hard yards of telling the none too bright electorate that they actually may have to give up certain things ( like cheap petrol ,LPG and diesel) in order to “Save the Planet”(TM).

    Like

  29. Pingback: Attributeless on The Membrane « The Worst of Perth

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