There’s No Such Thing as Free Tofu

SOAK: Sir! This beer has the taste of a kitchen sponge, the nutritional value of a lentil enema, the alcohol content of a fart in a bottle and the texture – er also very much like a kitchen sponge. I believe I may be at the wrong tasting, damn your bartending eyes!

BARMAN: No sir, I believe you are drinking Speights, the world’s crappiest beer.

SOAK: Ah… yes…So I am. As you were my man.

Why didn’t they put these tastings on the same day, and let them fight it out mano a mano? The rooms are next door to each other in the same building. Would have been nice to have seen the beer tasters pile out, hopped up on piss and chocolate and take apart the tofu testers. Seen at Curtin University.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in *Worst of New Zealand, *Worst of The World, worst advertising, worst food and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to There’s No Such Thing as Free Tofu

  1. David Cohen says:

    “A small gift will be given…(even smaller than the font size we’re using).”


  2. Doesn’t sound like they’re getting a big block of chocolate does it?


  3. B. T. says:

    I think the beer flyer uses too many words. It’s going to put people off. It would have been more effective if it read:



    PHB 400, Room 107.



  4. Rage says:

    Why they would need to tempt people with chocolate when there’s beer available is beyond me. Also, they totally should have offered salty snacks. What is WRONG with the youth of today? too many alcopops, says I.


  5. James says:

    Speights isn’t so bad, if my memory serves me correctly. Emu Export on the other hand… actually, you should do a poll or something to determine the worst beer in Perth. And then take photos of advertisements for said beer brand outside dodgy pubs with Toranas outside. Oh yeah.


  6. “Speights isn’t so bad, if my memory serves me correctly.”

    In that case your memory definitely doesn’t serve you


  7. Beware of public health people bearing gifts . A year later you’ll appear in scientific journal slightly disguised with a statement along the lines ” it was found amongst overweight , intellectually impaired persons that a diet of beer and chocolates followed a week later by tofu results in a 50% increase in fecal accidents”, I was going to participate but the door was blocked by Grog Hoggy to whom this process was already occurring.


  8. Rolly says:

    Nah, Billy O’S, GH’s problem is mainly mental constipation combined with verbal diarrhea. Though, perhaps, oesophageal reflux originating from the lower sigmoid may be a contributing factor.


  9. Mazarina says:

    worst beer in Perth – Swan Gold. Even I know that and I’m not a beer drinker


  10. Frank Calabrese says:

    [worst beer in Perth – Swan Gold. Even I know that and I’m not a beer drinker]

    And the ad was highlighted on The Gruen Factor last night as an example of dud ad.

    The ad is the 3rd one on the page :-).


  11. lactatingbookworm says:

    I always giggle when I hear the word tofu because my grandma told me that in Chinese they call lesbian sex rubbing tofu.


  12. Really LB? I know that tofu is Dofu in putonghua, but have never learned the phrase for lesbian sex rubbing, and if I had it wouldn’t have been from nana.


  13. OK, have just consulted my massive english/mandarin dictionary, but it is apparently not big enough for lesbian sex rubbing. You wouldn’t have the characters handy would you LBW?


  14. Well that explains something. When Groggy was stuck in that door filling his diapers he was singing ” Caint get no young white tofu” to the tune of “Caint get no satisfaction”.


  15. SkyLantern says:

    I see TWOP has progressed from Young White Lesbians to Chinese Lesbian Grandmothers!!!

    Apparently the translation is “Grinding Tofu”


  16. Jeez. OK. I did have to ask didn’t i?


  17. Rolly says:

    Well into retirement and I’m learning new stuff every day.
    How the hell can anyone justify claiming to be bored?
    Young Pepsodent cleaned lesbians – Now there’s a mind picture.
    A variation on the term “scrubber” I suppose.


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