You know that I generally prefer original material, but there are so many outside links and pics that deserve our attention, I’m going to make Fridays Worstorama Day, where we can look at some interesting snippets of Perth and even world worsts, with perhaps a little more snarkiness than the usual measured TWOP posts. This is where your suggestions and links may end up.
From The West classifieds this week. Tegan invites us to play with her Dble FF’s. Clear enough so far perhaps, but she goes on “Spanish is a must.” What does this mean? Do you need to say Hola when you arrive? Is it like French but cheaper? Greek but spicier? (update(!) explanation provided by Skink below) I’ve only just noticed the ad below too. Top-toe tic. She has a full body tic? No wonder she’s the best. Be like rooting a badly tuned lawnmower. And I mean that in a good sense.
In other worst news, Gary Shannon returns to 96fm after 8 years. It’s apparently a” new crew”. In the words of the song, “Is that all there is? Is that all there is?” I’m sorry, Gary, but Dunderklumpen was carrying you like a sack of doorknobs. 
The silver lining of the Gazza decamp is that Bob Maumill will start 2 hours earlier on 6PR. Ai Ya!
Moving from sad to – er well sadder, whatever happened to poor old Grok, the Student Guild newspaper at Curtin University? Old Schoolers will remember a feisty, controversial, sometimes even radical student rag. The first edition for 2008 had all the fire of a slightly damp teatowel. (Borrowed that phrase from the inimitable commenter Paul Nurry).
The main feature is a piece from the Vice Chancellor, with the highlight being that the university has secured the services of four excellent new senior staff. This is indeed great news for Curtin, with some exciting appointments, including sustainability expert Professor Peter Newman, but it belongs in Curtin’s glossy corporate mag Cite, not Grok. Apart from this, the bulk of Grok is taken up by ads. Go to Grok’s submission page. Someone write something. Anyone. Please. Anything. Greg Hoey, Grok needs one of your Young White Lesbian rants badly.
Speaking of Paul Nurry, if you want to see why sales of The West are slumping, have a look at his namesake Paul Murray’s column on “Youth” from Tuesday. I hoped to be able to link this cringmaking piece of self indulgence for you, but it’s not up yet. Murray begins with a meeting at The Art Gallery with a West reader who happens to have a 
clipping of one of his (Murray’s) columns on their person. (Gawd!). Murray then pads out his column to the max with extensive quotes from high school artists. One of the worst pieces of writing you are ever likely to see. See if you can snag a copy of the paper out of the bin. Delightfully and hilariously skewered by commenter My Ning. This week it looks like Kerry Stokes took the advice of TWOP (who attempted to send him several emails on the topic) and finally started talking about the poor readers of The West rather than the shareholders. Kerry’s Refresh The West website is still very dry and 
boring though. Turn it into a blog and watch the whingers roll in Kerry. You might even get Premier Carpenter writing in.
Speaking of Carps, this week (well behind TWOP hepcats might I say) he declared the airport an embarrassment. That’s him on the left not being an embarrassment. (Via Dolphinquay)
Perth Worsts are vanishing faster than a Nun’s nightie. This week, it appears that Perth’s ugliest church the purple brain drain has been reborn as an Op Shop. At least it’s an improvement on being a church. (Or is the shop in addition to the church?) (Via Bassendean.net) 
Worstorama might also be a good forum to display the best of the thousands of bizarre search results that end up at TWOP each week. (ie what people have typed into google to arrive at this site.) The best one this week was “The Hawaiian term for testicles.” I hope you found what you were looking for big Kahuna. Thanks for all the links everyone.
The Worst of Perth 
LA
for your education:
I believe that “Spanish” is when a lady places a gentleman’s pride and joy in her double F decolletage and offers frottage to completion
a tit wank, if you will.
This is not to be confused with Paul Nurry, who is a tit and a wanker
LikeLike
Thanks mate. I wasn’t aware of that. What about top to toe tic? Is there such a thing as an “Australian”?
LikeLike
A minor observation, but I’m continually stunned by the many inventive variant spellings of Alicia.
LikeLike
So we have French, Greek and now Spanish. I wonder what German would be ?
LikeLike
Allow me to go all Seinfeld on yer arses for a second:
“What is the deal with people spelling Aleisha with a Y?”
LikeLike
I think a German is when you go next door and invade your neighbour’s prostitute.
LikeLike
Philadelphia Cheese??? I dont think so!! Gorgonzola maybe !! No even thats too flattering – love those smelly blue vein cheeses with my olives and crackers! Perhaps just “Kraft Mould”!!
LikeLike
I just lost what vestigial innocence was left to me after viewing Alsation Rampant.
LikeLike
@4 Simon
And all with oral proficiency ?
LikeLike
I think the second ad reads “Top to Toe TLC”, but lost some ink in transit
I hope this doesn’t give the impression that I am a regular kerb crawler through the back pages of the West
whenever the West gets on its moral high horse about any issue, it is worthwhile reminding them that they take money to advertise these services
LikeLike
I note that Gary Shannon’s show is sponsored by Philadelphia, who must clearly recognize something really cheezy when they hear it
he’s got good hair for radio
LikeLike
I dunno about the back pages of the west, but somehow you knew what ‘spanish’ is. Now we all do.
LikeLike
I’m glad I wasn’t the only ignorant one. These ads are always next to the accommodation section. It may need explaining that the Asian Playhouse is not a rental property. Not long term anyway. My favourite of these which unfortunately I didn’t keep was
“Morley Asian $70”
LikeLike
Carps is just about to have some German with that dolphin by the looks of it. He’s a quick learner that lad having now discovered that the Perth Airport is Shiite , I wonder what more amazing discoveries he may make.
LikeLike
[Gary Shannon returns to 96fm after 8 years]
Slight correction, that should be back to 96FM BREAKFAST, he did 6 years on Mornings, then the 2 years on 6PR, as well as the “Saturday Night Party Mix”. which he still did after first joining PR for about 6 months or so. He moved to Mornings aftger Redman & Kaye joined 96, and he refused to continue because of some fued with his former “Best Mate”, Paul Redman, when they were at 92.9.
LikeLike
I’m waiting for skink to tell us:
what’s ‘Asian’?
and furthermore what’s ‘Morley’?
LikeLike
how did I become the local expert on mediterranean proclivities?
my reference for all terminology in the trouser department is the excellent “Roger’s Profanisaurus”, which is the most authoritative dictionary of swearing and lude language
available from all good book stores, and amazon.
all I can suggest with regard to the Asian in Morley is that you may be in danger of a dose of Galleria Gonorrhoea, perhaps from Goa.
LikeLike
LOL Galleria Gonorrhoea!!! That’d be a double GG
Thank you, the Roger’s explains it all. I’m now reassured that you are merely an armchair theorist and not a practitioner of Morley Spanish German or Goan.
Maybe Kerry’s new West could just go there and be more like a daily Viz. I think we’d all be happy with that.
LikeLike
only if Armstrong does a Big Vern:
“you’ll never take me alive”
LikeLike
I was trawling through the West on Tuesday looking for a crazy April Fools joke article but couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary but now you mention Paul Murray’s column I now realise that it was a subtly crafted joke on himself.
Evidence:
1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?
2. Why would Paul Murray quote entire blocks of text from high school sudents when we all know he is perfectly capable of writing like a 16 year old?
3. Why would anyone be carrying any article cut out of The West when we all know that a complete issue of the paper is far more useful for swatting flies?
LikeLike
So the boffins at Kraft figured..” ok so Gary Shanons probably the closest thing alive to a Mr PotatoHead so lets make up a Philadelphia campaign – make sure the head shot resembles a potato a carrot and a pudding!!!
LikeLike
the poor old op shop has had its limelight usurped by Tegan and Gary. I think it’s only fair to point out that that is the saddest op shop I’ve ever seen. Does this mean aramageddon’s on the way when Jesus shuts up shop? What made him leave – the purple paint, the heinously amateur signwriting, or the bogans doing burn outs in the car park?
LikeLike
[So the boffins at Kraft figured..” ok so Gary Shanons probably the closest thing alive to a Mr PotatoHead so lets make up a Philadelphia campaign – make sure the head shot resembles a potato a carrot and a pudding!!!]
Or a more likely scenario, that Philadelphia Cheese is ideal for Toast, which is usually eaten at Breakfast – hence the sponsorship of surprise – the BREAKFAST SHOW :-).
LikeLike
also, did anyone else notice yuki (yucky) and yumi (yummy) further down the page from Tegan?
LikeLike
dammit LA! you’ve got me reading the personals now and there seems to be a definite exotic theme going on. They are all from somewhere else.
Phukett Princess
Jamaican CoCo
Korean Sisters
Mexican Isabella
Busty Hula Girl from Bali(?)
Tans Euro Barbie
what ever happened to Doreen from Girrawheen or Sandra from Mandurah?
LikeLike
that was meant to be “Trans” Euro…
apologies Barbie
LikeLike
[dammit LA! you’ve got me reading the personals now and there seems to be a definite exotic theme going on. They are all from somewhere else.]
I think you’ll find that their Birth Certificates say something completely different :-)
But I’m waiting for Beryl From Balga, who I believe is Armstrong’s “Typical Reader” for which his journalists are instructed to aim for when writing their stories.
LikeLike
Uh…
Just to put on my dour feminist hat & take all the fun out of worstorama for everyone and hopefully goad greg out of wherever he lurks… could it just maybe be something to do with the “third world immigrant with no prospects and kids to support” experience (not too sure about trans euro barbie, that sounds like a spezialiste type of thing)?
or even the (all jokes aside) international sex slave trade?
Doreen from Girrawheen probably has a job as an aged care worker where she gets penalty rates, and Sandra from Mandurah drives a haulpak in Paraburdoo…
But there is AAA Tegan – perhaps just shrewdly capitalising on her assets.
LikeLike
Armstrong = Big Vern
Paul Nurry = Aldridge Prior Hopeless Liar
LikeLike
[But there is AAA Tegan – perhaps just shrewdly capitalising on her assets.]
Who’s most likely a Uni student studying for her degree in Physiotherapy (yes, there was a story a few years back of a Physio student moonlighting in activities which could result in her receiving medical attention from any injuries sustained).
LikeLike
I imagine you are right Lisa and while Sandra is off earning big bucks her husband Ted, who used to run a successful lunch bar on Old Coast Rd until Hungry Jacks opened up on Kwinanna Freewayand now is battling depression and an online gambling habit, has to find some comfort on the weekend to help him feel more like the young man he was in 1992
LikeLike
continuing the West-Viz riff:
how about Di Bauwens and Michelle Roberts as The Fat Slags?
Mark Naglazas as Roger Irrelevant?
Pam Casellas as Mrs Brady the Old Lady?
Mark Drummond as Spoilt Bastard?
Bethany Hiatt as Millie Tant?
LikeLike
That’s exactly what I was thinking! The boom is meeting all of our various needs, one way or another.
LikeLike
Mez,
That’s altogether too close to many people’s reality :(
LikeLike
I was referring to 29 but skink… I love Pam as Mrs Brady.
I would say Robert Taylor = Roger Irrelevant. I’m with the controversial ‘Mark Naglasaz is not completely worst’ faction.
LikeLike
Naglasaz is in my bad books after he completely ripped off his Oscar predictions format from the Guardian
the thing that most annoys me about the West is that they assume that none of their readers read or watch any other media, so won’t notice if they nick a joke or an idea ,or just print a wire story three days after everybody else.
LikeLike
Gary Shannon = Finbarr Saunders
LikeLike
and Naglasaz was the only person in the world who thought the remake of “Sleuth” was a good movie.
the movie was described by Peter Bradshaw as ” a perfect storm of rubbishness… unendurably boring, stagey, boring, arthritic, misconceived – and did I mention boring ”
a description that could easily apply to the West.
LikeLike
I’ve already given Mark Nag his “Not Worst” cerificate. Can’t take it back now. I think only Naglazas, Steve Pennells and of course TWOP supporter Luke Morfesse have any chance of a job at Kerry and Twiggy’s new fantasy paper.
LikeLike
[I think only Naglazas, Steve Pennells and of course TWOP supporter Luke Morfesse have any chance of a job at Kerry and Twiggy’s new fantasy paper.]
I felt sorry for Mrs Morfesse, aka Dixie Marshall the other night having to introduce the news item on Kerry’s attack .
I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Luke & Dixie were having dinner that night :-).
LikeLike
Mez “1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?”
I really wish I had said that. That really sums up Paul Murray. (Latin name blowhardus knowallus).
LikeLike
…so Tegan doesnt have a huge cello with Double F’s in it..?……. and you do some sort of wierdo Spanish Toreodore type bullring thing!!
LikeLike
I was hoping you weren’t going to bring your bullring into this cracky.
LikeLike
Gees was it really 2001 when Gary S moved over to 96FM ?
http://groups.google.com.au/group/aus.radio.broadcast/browse_thread/thread/40c9f0222d7c178e/5b7cc87d2a5fb868?hl=en&lnk=gst&q=Perth+Radio#
And a bit of Trivia, Gary S has been on Every Perth Commercial Station except for Nova and 6IX, we don’t count 94.5 cos Gary S started on it’s forerunner, 6KY.
LikeLike
And here are the results of the 2nd Radio Ratings for this year.
Click to access perth208.pdf
And this is BEFORE the “New Crew” started.
LikeLike
Hrrmmm… “Australian Sex”
http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=term&d=8&t=517
“To start one partner licks the back of the neck and shoulders of his lover, then lifts his tongue and moves it a tiny bit down the spine. Then he slowly works his way back up the spine to lick the back of the neck and shoulders, perhaps moving around to the side or front to lick the side of the neck or kiss the mouth.
He then lifts his tongue and places it a tiny bit further down the spine than the last time. You take 15 to 60 minutes to work your way down to the anus and beyond. That’s the Australian part.”
LikeLike
I had to ask, didn’t I?
LikeLike
Yeah, well, they mention “New Zealand Sex” – I have a fairly strong constitution, but I was too afraid to look.
Seemed like it might be a, ummm… baaaaad choice…
LikeLike
Mez: “1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?”
Please, please, PLEASE send to The Worst. You’ll automatically become the most eloquent and intelligent letter writer they have ever seen.
Or send it to P. Nurry as fan mail. Either way.
LikeLike
Re: Grok
According to my source, last years writers are refusing to submit anything. Allegedly, the new editor is a friend/lackey of the guild prez, who hasnt actually worked for Grok before this. The regulars are upset at this, for good reason.
Personally, I think it sucks because the best series ever – Rick and Cam Review Everything – is not returning. Although thats mainly because we were too lazy to organise it.
LikeLike
Rick I’m sure as LA says Grogg Hoey could help you out with a series : The View from the Tav , Internet Surfin'(sic) at the Tav, My First Ten Years at the Tav etc.
LikeLike
The Op Shop is in addition to the church I gather. A friend lives nearby and we had a garage sale at her house and have people from the church there (disturbingly in purple clothes) and they were asking if we would donate anything left over to the ‘drop in centre’ and op shop they were going to open.
LikeLike
As I say, TWOP headquarters mainframe has been down, and I’m not at work, so reduced to dropping in to a library like some filthy animal to check the posts. For some reason a number of regulars are being apprehended by the spam filter. I have just resued youse from the dung pile.
BTW can anyone tell me if the has been a Paul Murray column this week? I’m sure I haven’t seen one, perhaps I missed it. Doesn’t he usually bore the world on Satudays? Don’t tell me the management has been taking notice of TWOP or the incredibly Vicious letter I wrote to the paper? Couldn’t be could it?
LikeLike
Re Grok:
I was a lacky of the President when I edited Grok and that didn’t stop me going with a front page crucifix wrapped in a condom. Ah, those were the days.
LikeLike
Well, well. I’m most impressed by the Viz awareness shown on this thread. I’d no idea that Viz had made such an impression here in Oz. Surely you can’t all be thirty-something ex-pats.
LikeLike
Correct IB. I’ve never set foot in the UK but Viz speaks to me.
LikeLike
er… how about forty-something expat?
LikeLike
Please, somebody tell this age-pensioned ex-pat what this viz biz is all about.
LikeLike
#55 Are we talkin’ two Fat slags? Roger Melly the man on the telly etc…?
LikeLike
Oh Rolly. You haven’t lived until you’ve read the adventures of Roger Mellie (The Man on the Telly) and others…see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viz_%28comic%29
The Wikipedia entry isn’t bad.
It’s been going since 1979 (the year Heath Ledger was born). Like Private Eye, it’s been established long enough now that it has its own hilarious in-jokes.
One of Roger Mellie’s finest achievements – IIRC – was devising a game show called ‘Celebrity Shit in a Bucket’ (in which the celebs would excrete from the top of ladders).
LikeLike
and Viz.co.uk has a small archive of classic cartoons such as “Mickey’s Monkey Spunk Moped” and “Paul Daniel’s Jetski journey to the centre of Elvis”
LikeLike
Top tips were a special favourite of mine…..completely hatstand!!
http://fishtank.org.uk/humour/humour.php3?articleid=61
LikeLike
Pingback: Weekend Worstoff « The Worst of Perth
A ‘Morley’ is when you do it in the back of your station wagon, and at the end they push you out and drive off with it…
LikeLike
This page got a mention on Gary’s show this morning.
He had been reminiscing about his TV show – and mentioned Prof Peter Harries! – and one of his underlings said this was the only place on Teh ‘Tubes that had the words Shannon and Dunderklumpen.
One of the underlings recommended people have a look at theworstofperth.com
LikeLike
Whoa hold on there DFOC. I know the harried Peter Harries is going for Professor of Kulcharal Studification at Curtin , but at the moment he is just a Dr. (PhD).
LikeLike
What’s the doc up to now? I didn’t understand why he was mentioned.
LikeLike
Dr Harries PHd, Professor of narcissicm and ill humour.
LikeLike
Narcissistic? Of course I am and with good cause! Ill humoured? Moi? The nicest person that you could wish to meet! Nah! You must be really ‘homely’ Shazz to hide behind a pic of probably the world’s most disagreeable woman. Some girls just never get over the fact that they were not born boys!
LikeLike
Wow. You had a hell of a Christmas Doc (if that’s your real name).
LikeLike
Biggest wanker I could wish to meet I reckon Pete.
LikeLike
Pete, God kills a kitten every time you do that.
LikeLike
I happened to see Ace of Knobs Peter Harries Phd, WC on West TV just then. For some reason he had a headband on. The it went to black and it said insert break here, then it had a countdown to a tafe ad that never appeared.
LikeLike
That just seems to sum up so much.
LikeLike
And then it went to a weird 1950s western in the wrong aspect ratio?
I think you just summed up the West TV experience, right there.
LikeLike
Just a Doctor Eh? Try many years of dedicated study Pal, get a Ph.D and then you just might be qualified to use my name on equal terms!
Love, laughter and longevity,
The Ace of Klubs
LikeLike
Enlightenment never has a vacation.
LikeLike
Report to the Curtin Review on Academic Performance of Peter Harries progress on his Phd.
So far the candidate has shown that he can retell a type of history with himself as centre piece. Has trouble with women and minorities in his history however. Almost completely devoid of any type of theory, and , most egregious sin of all, has delusions of professorship. On the plus side high profile candidates look good for Curtin.
Recommend we get him through via the Asian stream of Curtin business school.
LikeLike
I see two plusses. Delusions of professorship, and Asian streams.
LikeLike
This is satire right, not Wikileaks?
LikeLike
Ha. It’s a fine line.
LikeLike
And need more Jenny Satan action.
LikeLike
WikiCrap will release that video in the next few weeks.
LikeLike
Saw a billboard featuring Nikki in William St yesterday, you want a photo ?
LikeLike
Nips?
LikeLike
no
LikeLike
greg hoey’s written a raging diatribe about david cohen actually and twop, rather fun.
LikeLike
Link?
LikeLike
Anything in there about killing Jesus?
LikeLike
YWL on YWL action?
LikeLike
LikeLike
http://bit.ly/k7A1tt
LikeLike
Is this the one that Leslie was talking about? It seems to have taken its time finding its way back here?
LikeLike
I think we’ve probably seen it before.
LikeLike
Where where where?
LikeLike
You must remember. Claimed he was king of the jews? Beard and a dress. No? Nothing?
LikeLike
Tell it to the magistrate.
LikeLike
Wonderful.
LikeLike
And I was just mentioning Opus dei too.
Breaking News. Glen Mitchell to join Dixie Marshall at Opus Dei.
LikeLike
“And is’nt it only right that people with the sartorial splendour of the david cohen’s of the world should be able to go on and have fruitful role’s as media adjudicators or public intellectuals in the area of politics and the humanity’s.”
fruitful? he thinks you get paid for it
Oh, the humanity’s!
LikeLike
If you pay peanut-and-banana flavoured brittle, you get monkeys…
LikeLike
is greg calling you gay?
LikeLike
For saluting my wardrobe? Or calling me a “cnut”?
LikeLike
your “fruitful role”?
LikeLike
Greg’s the one following Diana Ross.
LikeLike
Does he mean your fishing hat, Outrage?
LikeLike
Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!
LikeLike
sue, sue!
LikeLike
I hope he goes running off to Labia Legal like the lickspittle he is. Bring it on .
LikeLike
you bastards, you made me look
I like his rant about feminism, followed by his gallery titled ‘favourite newsreaders’
http://www.myspace.com/gregoriusgregorius/photos/41574809#%7B%22ImageId%22%3A41558728%7D
LikeLike
LOL that mascot is so funny and look at that guys face its so funny.
LikeLike
i once fucked xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx up the arse. worst fuck ever.
LikeLike
Gary Shannon and Paul Murray… I can see how the chemistry may not have all been good?
LikeLike
That’s what he said Garrhy
LikeLike