Friday Worstorama 1

You know that I generally prefer original material, but there are so many outside links and pics that deserve our attention, I’m going to make Fridays Worstorama Day, where we can look at some interesting snippets of Perth and even world worsts, with perhaps a little more snarkiness than the usual measured TWOP posts. This is where your suggestions and links may end up.

From The West classifieds this week. Tegan invites us to play with her Dble FF’s. Clear enough so far perhaps, but she goes on “Spanish is a must.” What does this mean? Do you need to say Hola when you arrive? Is it like French but cheaper? Greek but spicier? (update(!) explanation provided by Skink below) I’ve only just noticed the ad below too. Top-toe tic. She has a full body tic? No wonder she’s the best. Be like rooting a badly tuned lawnmower. And I mean that in a good sense.

In other worst news, Gary Shannon returns to 96fm after 8 years. It’s apparently a” new crew”. In the words of the song, “Is that all there is? Is that all there is?” I’m sorry, Gary, but Dunderklumpen was carrying you like a sack of doorknobs. The silver lining of the Gazza decamp is that Bob Maumill will start 2 hours earlier on 6PR. Ai Ya!

Moving from sad to – er well sadder, whatever happened to poor old Grok, the Student Guild newspaper at Curtin University? Old Schoolers will remember a feisty, controversial, sometimes even radical student rag. The first edition for 2008 had all the fire of a slightly damp teatowel. (Borrowed that phrase from the inimitable commenter Paul Nurry). The main feature is a piece from the Vice Chancellor, with the highlight being that the university has secured the services of four excellent new senior staff. This is indeed great news for Curtin, with some exciting appointments, including sustainability expert Professor Peter Newman, but it belongs in Curtin’s glossy corporate mag Cite, not Grok. Apart from this, the bulk of Grok is taken up by ads. Go to Grok’s submission page. Someone write something. Anyone. Please. Anything. Greg Hoey, Grok needs one of your Young White Lesbian rants badly.

Speaking of Paul Nurry, if you want to see why sales of The West are slumping, have a look at his namesake Paul Murray’s column on “Youth” from Tuesday. I hoped to be able to link this cringmaking piece of self indulgence for you, but it’s not up yet. Murray begins with a meeting at The Art Gallery with a West reader who happens to have a clipping of one of his (Murray’s) columns on their person. (Gawd!). Murray then pads out his column to the max with extensive quotes from high school artists. One of the worst pieces of writing you are ever likely to see. See if you can snag a copy of the paper out of the bin. Delightfully and hilariously skewered by commenter My Ning. This week it looks like Kerry Stokes took the advice of TWOP (who attempted to send him several emails on the topic) and finally started talking about the poor readers of The West rather than the shareholders. Kerry’s Refresh The West website is still very dry and boring though. Turn it into a blog and watch the whingers roll in Kerry. You might even get Premier Carpenter writing in.

Speaking of Carps, this week (well behind TWOP hepcats might I say) he declared the airport an embarrassment. That’s him on the left not being an embarrassment. (Via Dolphinquay)

Perth Worsts are vanishing faster than a Nun’s nightie. This week, it appears that Perth’s ugliest church the purple brain drain has been reborn as an Op Shop. At least it’s an improvement on being a church. (Or is the shop in addition to the church?) (Via Bassendean.net) opshop.jpg

Worstorama might also be a good forum to display the best of the thousands of bizarre search results that end up at TWOP each week. (ie what people have typed into google to arrive at this site.) The best one this week was “The Hawaiian term for testicles.” I hope you found what you were looking for big Kahuna. Thanks for all the links everyone.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in worst church, worst journalist, worst newspaper, worst of perth, worst people, worst shop design and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

114 Responses to Friday Worstorama 1

  1. skink says:

    LA

    for your education:

    I believe that “Spanish” is when a lady places a gentleman’s pride and joy in her double F decolletage and offers frottage to completion

    a tit wank, if you will.

    This is not to be confused with Paul Nurry, who is a tit and a wanker

    Like

  2. Thanks mate. I wasn’t aware of that. What about top to toe tic? Is there such a thing as an “Australian”?

    Like

  3. BrownBook says:

    A minor observation, but I’m continually stunned by the many inventive variant spellings of Alicia.

    Like

  4. Simon says:

    So we have French, Greek and now Spanish. I wonder what German would be ?

    Like

  5. Ljuke says:

    Allow me to go all Seinfeld on yer arses for a second:

    “What is the deal with people spelling Aleisha with a Y?”

    Like

  6. Levon says:

    I think a German is when you go next door and invade your neighbour’s prostitute.

    Like

  7. Crackpots ! says:

    Philadelphia Cheese??? I dont think so!! Gorgonzola maybe !! No even thats too flattering – love those smelly blue vein cheeses with my olives and crackers! Perhaps just “Kraft Mould”!!

    Like

  8. poor lisa says:

    I just lost what vestigial innocence was left to me after viewing Alsation Rampant.

    Like

  9. Rolly says:

    @4 Simon

    And all with oral proficiency ?

    Like

  10. skink says:

    I think the second ad reads “Top to Toe TLC”, but lost some ink in transit

    I hope this doesn’t give the impression that I am a regular kerb crawler through the back pages of the West

    whenever the West gets on its moral high horse about any issue, it is worthwhile reminding them that they take money to advertise these services

    Like

  11. skink says:

    I note that Gary Shannon’s show is sponsored by Philadelphia, who must clearly recognize something really cheezy when they hear it

    he’s got good hair for radio

    Like

  12. poor lisa says:

    I dunno about the back pages of the west, but somehow you knew what ‘spanish’ is. Now we all do.

    Like

  13. I’m glad I wasn’t the only ignorant one. These ads are always next to the accommodation section. It may need explaining that the Asian Playhouse is not a rental property. Not long term anyway. My favourite of these which unfortunately I didn’t keep was
    “Morley Asian $70”

    Like

  14. Bill O'Slatter says:

    Carps is just about to have some German with that dolphin by the looks of it. He’s a quick learner that lad having now discovered that the Perth Airport is Shiite , I wonder what more amazing discoveries he may make.

    Like

  15. Frank Calabrese says:

    [Gary Shannon returns to 96fm after 8 years]

    Slight correction, that should be back to 96FM BREAKFAST, he did 6 years on Mornings, then the 2 years on 6PR, as well as the “Saturday Night Party Mix”. which he still did after first joining PR for about 6 months or so. He moved to Mornings aftger Redman & Kaye joined 96, and he refused to continue because of some fued with his former “Best Mate”, Paul Redman, when they were at 92.9.

    Like

  16. poor lisa says:

    I’m waiting for skink to tell us:
    what’s ‘Asian’?
    and furthermore what’s ‘Morley’?

    Like

  17. skink says:

    how did I become the local expert on mediterranean proclivities?

    my reference for all terminology in the trouser department is the excellent “Roger’s Profanisaurus”, which is the most authoritative dictionary of swearing and lude language

    available from all good book stores, and amazon.

    all I can suggest with regard to the Asian in Morley is that you may be in danger of a dose of Galleria Gonorrhoea, perhaps from Goa.

    Like

  18. poor lisa says:

    LOL Galleria Gonorrhoea!!! That’d be a double GG

    Thank you, the Roger’s explains it all. I’m now reassured that you are merely an armchair theorist and not a practitioner of Morley Spanish German or Goan.

    Maybe Kerry’s new West could just go there and be more like a daily Viz. I think we’d all be happy with that.

    Like

  19. skink says:

    only if Armstrong does a Big Vern:
    “you’ll never take me alive”

    Like

  20. Mez says:

    I was trawling through the West on Tuesday looking for a crazy April Fools joke article but couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary but now you mention Paul Murray’s column I now realise that it was a subtly crafted joke on himself.
    Evidence:
    1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?
    2. Why would Paul Murray quote entire blocks of text from high school sudents when we all know he is perfectly capable of writing like a 16 year old?
    3. Why would anyone be carrying any article cut out of The West when we all know that a complete issue of the paper is far more useful for swatting flies?

    Like

  21. Crackpots ! says:

    So the boffins at Kraft figured..” ok so Gary Shanons probably the closest thing alive to a Mr PotatoHead so lets make up a Philadelphia campaign – make sure the head shot resembles a potato a carrot and a pudding!!!

    Like

  22. mazarina says:

    the poor old op shop has had its limelight usurped by Tegan and Gary. I think it’s only fair to point out that that is the saddest op shop I’ve ever seen. Does this mean aramageddon’s on the way when Jesus shuts up shop? What made him leave – the purple paint, the heinously amateur signwriting, or the bogans doing burn outs in the car park?

    Like

  23. Frank Calabrese says:

    [So the boffins at Kraft figured..” ok so Gary Shanons probably the closest thing alive to a Mr PotatoHead so lets make up a Philadelphia campaign – make sure the head shot resembles a potato a carrot and a pudding!!!]

    Or a more likely scenario, that Philadelphia Cheese is ideal for Toast, which is usually eaten at Breakfast – hence the sponsorship of surprise – the BREAKFAST SHOW :-).

    Like

  24. mazarina says:

    also, did anyone else notice yuki (yucky) and yumi (yummy) further down the page from Tegan?

    Like

  25. Mez says:

    dammit LA! you’ve got me reading the personals now and there seems to be a definite exotic theme going on. They are all from somewhere else.
    Phukett Princess
    Jamaican CoCo
    Korean Sisters
    Mexican Isabella
    Busty Hula Girl from Bali(?)
    Tans Euro Barbie
    what ever happened to Doreen from Girrawheen or Sandra from Mandurah?

    Like

  26. Mez says:

    that was meant to be “Trans” Euro…
    apologies Barbie

    Like

  27. Frank Calabrese says:

    [dammit LA! you’ve got me reading the personals now and there seems to be a definite exotic theme going on. They are all from somewhere else.]

    I think you’ll find that their Birth Certificates say something completely different :-)

    But I’m waiting for Beryl From Balga, who I believe is Armstrong’s “Typical Reader” for which his journalists are instructed to aim for when writing their stories.

    Like

  28. poor lisa says:

    Uh…
    Just to put on my dour feminist hat & take all the fun out of worstorama for everyone and hopefully goad greg out of wherever he lurks… could it just maybe be something to do with the “third world immigrant with no prospects and kids to support” experience (not too sure about trans euro barbie, that sounds like a spezialiste type of thing)?
    or even the (all jokes aside) international sex slave trade?

    Doreen from Girrawheen probably has a job as an aged care worker where she gets penalty rates, and Sandra from Mandurah drives a haulpak in Paraburdoo…

    But there is AAA Tegan – perhaps just shrewdly capitalising on her assets.

    Like

  29. poor lisa says:

    Armstrong = Big Vern
    Paul Nurry = Aldridge Prior Hopeless Liar

    Like

  30. Frank Calabrese says:

    [But there is AAA Tegan – perhaps just shrewdly capitalising on her assets.]

    Who’s most likely a Uni student studying for her degree in Physiotherapy (yes, there was a story a few years back of a Physio student moonlighting in activities which could result in her receiving medical attention from any injuries sustained).

    Like

  31. Mez says:

    I imagine you are right Lisa and while Sandra is off earning big bucks her husband Ted, who used to run a successful lunch bar on Old Coast Rd until Hungry Jacks opened up on Kwinanna Freewayand now is battling depression and an online gambling habit, has to find some comfort on the weekend to help him feel more like the young man he was in 1992

    Like

  32. skink says:

    continuing the West-Viz riff:

    how about Di Bauwens and Michelle Roberts as The Fat Slags?

    Mark Naglazas as Roger Irrelevant?

    Pam Casellas as Mrs Brady the Old Lady?

    Mark Drummond as Spoilt Bastard?

    Bethany Hiatt as Millie Tant?

    Like

  33. poor lisa says:

    That’s exactly what I was thinking! The boom is meeting all of our various needs, one way or another.

    Like

  34. Rolly says:

    Mez,
    That’s altogether too close to many people’s reality :(

    Like

  35. poor lisa says:

    I was referring to 29 but skink… I love Pam as Mrs Brady.

    I would say Robert Taylor = Roger Irrelevant. I’m with the controversial ‘Mark Naglasaz is not completely worst’ faction.

    Like

  36. skink says:

    Naglasaz is in my bad books after he completely ripped off his Oscar predictions format from the Guardian

    the thing that most annoys me about the West is that they assume that none of their readers read or watch any other media, so won’t notice if they nick a joke or an idea ,or just print a wire story three days after everybody else.

    Like

  37. Bento says:

    Gary Shannon = Finbarr Saunders

    Like

  38. skink says:

    and Naglasaz was the only person in the world who thought the remake of “Sleuth” was a good movie.

    the movie was described by Peter Bradshaw as ” a perfect storm of rubbishness… unendurably boring, stagey, boring, arthritic, misconceived – and did I mention boring ”

    a description that could easily apply to the West.

    Like

  39. I’ve already given Mark Nag his “Not Worst” cerificate. Can’t take it back now. I think only Naglazas, Steve Pennells and of course TWOP supporter Luke Morfesse have any chance of a job at Kerry and Twiggy’s new fantasy paper.

    Like

  40. Frank Calabrese says:

    [I think only Naglazas, Steve Pennells and of course TWOP supporter Luke Morfesse have any chance of a job at Kerry and Twiggy’s new fantasy paper.]

    I felt sorry for Mrs Morfesse, aka Dixie Marshall the other night having to introduce the news item on Kerry’s attack .

    I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Luke & Dixie were having dinner that night :-).

    Like

  41. Mez “1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?”

    I really wish I had said that. That really sums up Paul Murray. (Latin name blowhardus knowallus).

    Like

  42. Crackpot Dogs says:

    …so Tegan doesnt have a huge cello with Double F’s in it..?……. and you do some sort of wierdo Spanish Toreodore type bullring thing!!

    Like

  43. I was hoping you weren’t going to bring your bullring into this cracky.

    Like

  44. Frank Calabrese says:

    Gees was it really 2001 when Gary S moved over to 96FM ?

    http://groups.google.com.au/group/aus.radio.broadcast/browse_thread/thread/40c9f0222d7c178e/5b7cc87d2a5fb868?hl=en&lnk=gst&q=Perth+Radio#

    And a bit of Trivia, Gary S has been on Every Perth Commercial Station except for Nova and 6IX, we don’t count 94.5 cos Gary S started on it’s forerunner, 6KY.

    Like

  45. Frank Calabrese says:

    And here are the results of the 2nd Radio Ratings for this year.

    http://www.nielsenmedia.com.au/files/perth208.pdf

    And this is BEFORE the “New Crew” started.

    Like

  46. Hrrmmm… “Australian Sex”

    http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=term&d=8&t=517

    “To start one partner licks the back of the neck and shoulders of his lover, then lifts his tongue and moves it a tiny bit down the spine. Then he slowly works his way back up the spine to lick the back of the neck and shoulders, perhaps moving around to the side or front to lick the side of the neck or kiss the mouth.

    He then lifts his tongue and places it a tiny bit further down the spine than the last time. You take 15 to 60 minutes to work your way down to the anus and beyond. That’s the Australian part.”

    Like

  47. I had to ask, didn’t I?

    Like

  48. Yeah, well, they mention “New Zealand Sex” – I have a fairly strong constitution, but I was too afraid to look.

    Seemed like it might be a, ummm… baaaaad choice…

    Like

  49. Rage says:

    Mez: “1. Why would Paul Murray be bothered going inside an art gallery when he is perfectly capable of criticising it from outside?”

    Please, please, PLEASE send to The Worst. You’ll automatically become the most eloquent and intelligent letter writer they have ever seen.

    Or send it to P. Nurry as fan mail. Either way.

    Like

  50. Rick says:

    Re: Grok

    According to my source, last years writers are refusing to submit anything. Allegedly, the new editor is a friend/lackey of the guild prez, who hasnt actually worked for Grok before this. The regulars are upset at this, for good reason.

    Personally, I think it sucks because the best series ever – Rick and Cam Review Everything – is not returning. Although thats mainly because we were too lazy to organise it.

    Like

  51. Rick I’m sure as LA says Grogg Hoey could help you out with a series : The View from the Tav , Internet Surfin'(sic) at the Tav, My First Ten Years at the Tav etc.

    Like

  52. Grouchiegrrl says:

    The Op Shop is in addition to the church I gather. A friend lives nearby and we had a garage sale at her house and have people from the church there (disturbingly in purple clothes) and they were asking if we would donate anything left over to the ‘drop in centre’ and op shop they were going to open.

    Like

  53. As I say, TWOP headquarters mainframe has been down, and I’m not at work, so reduced to dropping in to a library like some filthy animal to check the posts. For some reason a number of regulars are being apprehended by the spam filter. I have just resued youse from the dung pile.

    BTW can anyone tell me if the has been a Paul Murray column this week? I’m sure I haven’t seen one, perhaps I missed it. Doesn’t he usually bore the world on Satudays? Don’t tell me the management has been taking notice of TWOP or the incredibly Vicious letter I wrote to the paper? Couldn’t be could it?

    Like

  54. Slanderer says:

    Re Grok:

    I was a lacky of the President when I edited Grok and that didn’t stop me going with a front page crucifix wrapped in a condom. Ah, those were the days.

    Like

  55. The Intellectual Bogan says:

    Well, well. I’m most impressed by the Viz awareness shown on this thread. I’d no idea that Viz had made such an impression here in Oz. Surely you can’t all be thirty-something ex-pats.

    Like

  56. poor lisa says:

    Correct IB. I’ve never set foot in the UK but Viz speaks to me.

    Like

  57. skink says:

    er… how about forty-something expat?

    Like

  58. Rolly says:

    Please, somebody tell this age-pensioned ex-pat what this viz biz is all about.

    Like

  59. Crackpot Punters! says:

    #55 Are we talkin’ two Fat slags? Roger Melly the man on the telly etc…?

    Like

  60. David Cohen says:

    Oh Rolly. You haven’t lived until you’ve read the adventures of Roger Mellie (The Man on the Telly) and others…see:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viz_%28comic%29
    The Wikipedia entry isn’t bad.
    It’s been going since 1979 (the year Heath Ledger was born). Like Private Eye, it’s been established long enough now that it has its own hilarious in-jokes.
    One of Roger Mellie’s finest achievements – IIRC – was devising a game show called ‘Celebrity Shit in a Bucket’ (in which the celebs would excrete from the top of ladders).

    Like

  61. skink says:

    and Viz.co.uk has a small archive of classic cartoons such as “Mickey’s Monkey Spunk Moped” and “Paul Daniel’s Jetski journey to the centre of Elvis”

    Like

  62. Badfords Crackpot Fraternity! says:

    Top tips were a special favourite of mine…..completely hatstand!!

    http://fishtank.org.uk/humour/humour.php3?articleid=61

    Like

  63. Pingback: Weekend Worstoff « The Worst of Perth

  64. Rewey says:

    A ‘Morley’ is when you do it in the back of your station wagon, and at the end they push you out and drive off with it…

    Like

  65. David Cohen says:

    This page got a mention on Gary’s show this morning.

    He had been reminiscing about his TV show – and mentioned Prof Peter Harries! – and one of his underlings said this was the only place on Teh ‘Tubes that had the words Shannon and Dunderklumpen.

    One of the underlings recommended people have a look at theworstofperth.com

    Like

  66. leslie Neil says:

    greg hoey’s written a raging diatribe about david cohen actually and twop, rather fun.

    Like

  67. The Legend 101 says:

    LOL that mascot is so funny and look at that guys face its so funny.

    Like

  68. Garrhy says:

    i once fucked xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx up the arse. worst fuck ever.

    Like

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