The Worst of Perth

Update. Russel Woolf passed away on 28/10/2021.

I contacted Russell Woolf for a TWOP interview. Initially he was reluctant, but when I pointed out that our thousands of readers consisted of a large proportion of unenthusiastic Labor and Greens voters (and Frank obviously) he jumped at it. Do I need to point out that this is not made up?

Russell Sez

A vote for me and Verity James is a vote to Save Our ABC. We want a strong, independent national broadcaster that remains fair & trustworthy and insist it cannot be muzzled nor can it operate in fear of consequences for simply holding a light to the government of the day. We are deeply concerned about a government that appears to be withholding information and operating under a veil of secrecy when we have a public that wants nothing more than to remain informed. Can I implore you to either vote 1 ‘above the line’ for VJ and me (we’re got 3rd spot on the ballot .. but remember there’s is no party name there, just a blank space). Or better take the time to vote 1 through to 77 ‘below the line’ to get the preferences you want.

TWOP response: Totes.

The interview:
TWOP: Russell, do you think a scooter would be an appropriate vehicle for a senator? Would you consider a Caprice?
RW: If I get elected I’ll be buying a Canberra based Vespa (when I say buying, it will probably be leased under some sort of tax advantageous parliamentary scheme, I guess) I think I could start a Thursday night competition where a Senator races against a House of Reps member around a roundabout until someone vomits and loses.

TWOP response: So Verity’s on the back here? Dude, go for the Caprice.

TWOP: The Senate. Like what’s the deal with that house?
RW: I know what you want to know, so let’s start with secondly. Secondly, it’s where legislation is reviewed and this is it’s most important function. Thirdly, it’s where committees get the chance to ask the best questions of the country’s decision makers in politics, bureaucracy, media, business etc. Fourthly it is RED. I mean really, really red. The only red thing I’ve ever looked good in was my 1983 Toyota Corolla hatchback and that was only after it became sun bleached in the mid to late 90’s .. kind of looked more the colour of a red sucked-on Smartie by then. And firstly, yes I do think I’ll get to meet Queensland National’s Senator Ron Boswell because he is in da house! Do you know he is not the guy who played Mr Cunningham in Happy Days? He was actually born in Perth as a matter of fact. Who could forget whilst debating marriage inequality in the Senate his classic speech “”Two mothers or two fathers can’t raise a child properly. Who takes the boy to football? Who tells him what’s right from wrong? What does he do? Go along with mum, or two mums? How does he go camping or fishing? It won’t work, it’s defying nature!” YEEHAH

TWOP: Would you consider that the electorate DOES need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows?
RW: This is a trap question and I might be Senate-naive but I am not falling for it. Let me just say this, I believe weather is a science.

TWOP: What’s your stand on Cocos palms?
RW: I have to be honest, I’m not a fan of the Cocos palm. It’s a weed. Back in ’99, I planted one in Karratha and two days ago it popped up out of my Perth toilet.

TWOP response: Yes! Yes! Well you have at least 2 votes now. Mine and Serena Hahn.

TWOP: Would you accept votes from Dockers supporters?
RW: Regarding the whole Dockers supporters thing, I sort of softened on that when Ross Lyon was appointed but I understand if they perhaps don’t want to preference me too high up. I still think Gillian O’Shaughnessy smells a bit funny.

TWOP response: Well that’s our takeaway. “Gillo smells”. Woolf.

TWOP: Yourself and Verity would seem to have legislating in the drive and afternoons slots covered. What about breakfast and late night legislating?
RW: I think late night or early morning legislating is fraught with danger in the same way as drunk texting or tweeting.

TWOP response: What are you talking about? What other kind of texting is there?

TWOP: Can I have a tshirt? Make that two. One to keep and one to give away to readers.
RW: I would love to give you two of our t-shirts but .. and we didn’t see this one coming, I promise .. we honestly have none left!

TWOP response: Fucking Outrage! Possibly some kind if “reordering” is necessary?

TWOP: Will your bowls suffer should you be elected and btw how heavy is your bias?
RW: I don’t think my lawn bowls will suffer because I think I will find a Canberra club to call my second home (again, that will be more for tax and parliamentary privileges purposes).

TWOP: Can you guarantee that your advertising will not be written and spoken by Tony Delroy?
RW: I would love Tony Delroy to voice any ads we produce, but he’d probably get two thirds of the way through and declare it a clue-free zone.

Thank you Mr Woolf.