Maylands Time 3. Save the Pen

Before we leave Maylands, let’s go back to The Peninsula Tavern proposal that had the hide to quote this blog. I took the time to have another look. The current Pen, shitty as it is, is still better than the current proposal. Dear councillors. Please reject the new plans. A tiny tavern that is a pimple on the arse of a Dan Murphys is not an improvement for the ratepayers of Maylands. The applicant needs to demonstrate not only that there wil be no ill effect, but that it will be positive to the community. This is obviously not up to that.

Let me reiterate. A token tavern that is a pimple on the arse of a massive Dan Murphys is not a positive move. It is a negative one. Losing the Swan Gold, the Cocoses and adding a new carpet would be a positive to the current tavern. A giant Dan Murphys and a cookie cutter tavern that seems smaller than the present one (!) is a negative. Note that the new plans have more fucking Cocoses. It is hard to escape the feeling that the tavern is pure tokenism. Does this really have the Maylands community in mind, or is it doing the least possible to get a liquor warehouse in here?

I hope that councillors will have a look at other developments by this company. Is Bull Creek one if them? Yikes. Ten retailers at 100sq meters each is a step forward. One giant Dan Murphys is a step backwards. Look at what Maylands is becoming. So much promise. This is not helping the development of the liquor and tourism industries. Swallow Bar is (aka Mad Kuntz). This is not. Lest we forget.



About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
This entry was posted in worst pub/hotel/design and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

73 Responses to Maylands Time 3. Save the Pen

  1. Sir Skink says:

    I went into the Swallow Bar a few weeks ago near closing time and was asked by the delightful bar staff if I was drunk. If I was, they said, I would be declined service. I got quite huffy and, trying not to slur, I asserted my rights to a beer. A wanky European beer in a novelty glass, please.

    Then two blokes staggered in, clearly pissed, and asked for beer. They were declined, and left.

    It would appear that they get a lot of drinkers who have been declined service at The Pen and so go to the nearest establishment showing a light.

    I think Swallow will be quite happy to see The Pen demolished.


  2. Where else can we go for a pool cue to the face?


  3. Jules says:

    Absolutely. Check out their last development, the Bull Creek Tavern and bottleshop…

    A ‘big box’ liquor store with a minuscule box of a tavern stuck to it.
    I’d honestly prefer the current Pen than an ALH development.


  4. NF#1 says:

    Call me a pervert, but I’d rather imagine the pert chests of pretentious arts undergraduates at venues such as the less than ironically named Bird than be induced to gawk at the somewhat more fulsome examples often on show behind the Pen bar. The closest I’ve ever come to an outright barfight was at the Pen, though this had less to do with barmaids than my general obnoxiousness, alas. You won’t get a punch up at Bird either. That said, I deeply regret the Pen’s immanent gentrification, along with the demise of such fine establishments as Le Pub, the Sandringham, et al. There is simply nowhere now within the greater CBD safezone catering for the downwardly mobile gentleman.


    • Snuff says:

      Okay. You’re a pervert.


    • I don’t think it is going to be gentrified though. If only it was!


    • Yeah, don’t blame the Pen denizens. Didn’t we almost have a punch up about whether Dazza was funny? And I’m sure we brawled when you brought over that Wattsie record.


    • Sir Skink says:

      if you want to start a fight with a hipster at Bird, just tweak has beard and tell him that his fixie has brakes. Watch out though, they fight dirty. Scratching and biting are allowed in hipster brawls.


    • orbea says:

      The Charles?
      The Mighty Quim Quinn?
      The Inglewood is nasti
      Is the Civic still open?
      For cheap beers try the North Perth Bowlo (or even the Sportsmans Assoc Bowlo near Hamer Park/ECU) but they might close too early for the likes of youse packa shunts

      Liked by 1 person

      • NF#1 says:

        The Charles: Good call. Nothing like some twelve-bar boogie to liven up your Tuesday night. Let’s not even talk about the upstairs section.
        The Mighty Quinn: A little far out of the greater CBD safezone in my book. If you’re going to go that far, you’d have to include the Osborne Park Hotel and, especially, the Roundhouse next to Northlands shopping centre in Balcatta. Given your several Mirrabooka and Girrawheen worsts, I’m guessing you’re also familiar with these. For better or worse, I’ve never actually set foot in the Mirrabooka Tavern, but I can vouch for Sherlock’s in Alexander Heights. God, why has that place not been worsted?
        Inglewood: Way too upmarket: I’m not sure they’d even let me in. On the plus side, it’s got the only bottleshop I know open until midnight six days a week.
        The Civic: Never interesting, but even less so after Coles bought it. There is the bogan cover band shed however, and The Den was okay as long as it lasted.
        North Perth Bowls Club: Yep, or for a little more genteel with your shabby, its Mt Lawley counterpart.

        Let’s not forget CJ’s Tavern in Maylands (for some reason dubbed “The Mill” by several of my associates), The Strand pub in Dianella, or the Broken Hill Hotel on Bourbon St, all of which have been discussed here previously, I’m sure.


      • Dame Shazza says:

        Orbea I missed your above list prior to my Civic comment. Yes to all above. Is that it?


        • orbea says:

          I’m struggling to recommend the Baysie. I did visit the shit awful Ettamogah pub in Morley once. Dire

          Morley alehouse is a trip back in time hey bru?

          I miss the Ashfield, senseless murder notwithstanding.

          I miss the Knutsford, known as Room K over the Mt Lawley High School PA system.

          Geez I even remember the Vegas.
          I’m old


    • Charrette says:

      The Civic?


  5. iranoverawheelchairguyonmypushie says:

    I have fond memories of the Pen. I saw my first skimpy there. The guy in the bottle shop (a few years back now) used to play bossa-nova and his music almost made up for the shit selection of wine. I remember staggering into the public bar after 24 hours drinking and debauchery which culminated in a general admission (WHAT FUCKING HORSES!) at the Perth Cup … and was served! GO PEN! I met a guy in the Bondi RSL with a huge scar down his shaved scalp and we got talking, as you do. When I told him where I lived he looked almost enthusiastic: “see this .. *points to scar* .. I got it at the Peninsula Tavern”.

    They have a huuuuge block there. It will be bashed down and gentrified for sure. The “Ponce – insula”


  6. NF#1 says:

    While I’m thinking of it, the very rarely used Pen back bar is a must see. From what I recall, it’s vaguely jungle themed and has a huge custom made polystyrene sign hanging up somewhere, saying simply “ROAR”.


  7. vegan says:

    the bridge, the pen, the wurst – the hood is changing, and not necessarily for the better.


  8. NF#1 says:

    Recalling a few of the inner or near city shitholes establishments I was known to frequent:

    The Garage: Oh yeah. Shitty motoring themed pub at southern end of Raine Square. Cheapest beer in town for a long time, $5 jugs during happy hour. Quite pleasant sitting outside and some interesting characters. Spent way too much time here.

    Ziggy’s: Still there but as the vastly gentrified Bar 138 on Barrack or something. Total dive back in the day, and apparently a good place for sourcing contraband. Never liked liked the idea of sitting underground for long periods.

    Northbridge Hotel: Also still there but greatly changed. I’m sure many here will recall the huge and highly salubrious pool playing area with great fondness.

    Tracks: Shite bar inside Perth Railway Station. Never went there much, but was it was reputed to be both aptly named (and not for being at the railway station) and a favoured copper drinking hole. Best avoided in my experience, and didn’t last long anyway.

    Hydey: Front bar. Enough said.

    Oak and Ivy: A more recently vanished dive, 3-4 years ago? Another underground pub on Barrack Street; cheap beer, favoured by the student crowd. Dark, pokey and dank. Often seemed to be some form of trouble occurring just outside its street level entrance.

    The Orchard complex nightclub and karaoke bar. Can’t remember the name of either despite spending bit of time there. Nightclub hosted a variety of events: alternative, singles, etc. Being about half the age of most of the singles to go to the singles didn’t deter one from enjoying the free food. Now I remember that the karaoke bar was called Ferrara and still exists, though somewhere else.

    Bobby Dazzlers: Why not? I actually liked BDs, especially in its earlier days when the staff were forced to don khaki bush outfits. I seem to recall hats with corks as well; hats anyway. The on-site microbrewery beer was bad; I think they ceased brewing it, on-site at least, a long time before the end.


    • NF#1 says:

      Speaking of Raine Square: Horsefeathers. Crap theme restaurant, though I seem to remember drinking there on at least a few occasions. Existed for years seemingly with no customers.


      • JaneZ says:

        Oh the Northbridge. I preferred it to the Hydey in some ways. Less fraught and crowded.


        • Bento says:

          I remember Ziggy’s. I recall it had an uncodified, but widely known, apartheid policy.

          I was told Tracks’ was one of only 2 places in Perth able to sell alcohol on Good Friday and Christmas Day, because the terms of its liquor licence allowed it to sell alcohol for a certain period before and after the first and last trains of the day. Possibly an urban myth, I never checked for myself.

          The nightclub at The Orchard was Jeremiah’s, wasn’t it? Was where 18-year old Bento started every Saturday night – free entry and 50c beers until 9pm. Towards the tail end of a very boozy day and night, I got caught short and had to do a poo in the little garden bit out the front of Jeremiah’s. I don’t think that would have reduced the class of the place by even one iota.

          Slightly off topic, but you’ve reminded me of Interzone, the once a month goth nighclub in the Zone 3 Laser Games building on Murray Street. A BYO nightclub! You handed your drinks over at the bar, they tagged them with a number, and gave you a numbered peg that you had to show to get one of your drinks. Magic. Why don’t they do that any more?


    • Dame Shazza says:

      The Lonestar?


  9. JaneZ says:

    There was also a bar opposite the Perth train station, upstairs: maybe next to Myers where the children’s clothing store is now? Was that ‘Tracks’ that you mention? Seem to remember it had a few identities before closing.


  10. JaneZ says:

    And if we are celebrating the dive:
    the Stoned Crow where, rumour had it, they’d let you in if you signed a statutory declaration as to your age; but when it came to the point I don’t think they ever asked me; and
    the blessed loud perfect Shents


  11. JaneZ says:

    Was there a bar under where the Grosvenor is now, entry on Hill st? With loud music?
    Shall I stop posting? Perhaps if someone can remind me the name of the manky pub on Hay st further east than the Grosvenor I will. Too awful for me even.


  12. NF#1 says:

    Despite living in a long-gone ramshackle mansion just off Plane Street for a couple of years, I never did East Perth that much, though Club O and The Carlton (I think still in business) are worthy additions to the list. Not exactly a dive, but I’d have to add the Grosvenor as well. But of course the Shents. Got quite used to having my pool game or conversation interrupted by M-People’s “Moving on Up” each time the Sydney Swans (favoured team of Jim, the publican) did something vaguely commendable. Shents band room was good for a while too. And yes, Jeremiahs: dare I say you were hardly the first nor last. And despite being a hardcore Sisters/Mission/Cult etc. fan
    at the time, Interzone always seemed a bridge too far.


  13. human246 says:

    What a boring, cookie-cutter development ALH is proposing. And such an inappropriate site for on of their liquor barns. It’s like ALH is TRYING to have their venues featured in this blog!!!


    • Sir Bill says:

      The key thing is how to manage the protests about these barns. Socks aren’t going to cut it. We are going to have to crowd sauce a protest movement. Just because you have a Advanced Management Program diploma from Harvard, as Sir Granttie O’Brien of Woolworths has, means you know anything about architecture.


  14. richarbl says:

    Keep the original hotel but the bottle shop and everything else should be eradicated.
    In particular, those fucking palms and the XXXX sign.


  15. Pocko says:

    Speaking of that XXXX sign, i can see that from my house at night. The funny thing is, at the right angle with the SW breeze at 12 knots, you can use the cocos palms to block out one of the X’s and the last ‘N’ to give you the real nature of this fine establishment – The ‘XXX PENIS(ula) Tavern. Childish yes, but takes a bit of effort to get right. Try it, you’ll like it.


  16. maylandstrainrobber says:

    I am sticking up for the Baysie back bar. It has jag the joker, cracking pizza’s and whole families of bogans from Noranda.


  17. Pingback: Outrage Sunday wrong side of the tracks | The Worst of Perth

  18. Greg D says:

    Where close to the City can skimpies be found these days, I was big fan years ago


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