And get with child a mandrake root…

Go and catch a falling star
Get with child a mandrake root
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil’s foot… John Donne

Cimbali caught this extraordinary sign at the Fremantle Arts Centre. It was particularly galling to the C Bomb as she had specifically travelled all the way from Kala-fucking-munda to have her leprosy cleared up. And a goitre. I wasn’t sure between which stool this worst was falling. Either it was a garden designed for healing but they’re telling you to fuck off despite your obvious and hideous afflictions, (no tyre kickers), or is it a wanker’s way of saying the garden is under repair? I note that the history museum is closing due to lack of funding, so perhaps budget cuts are affecting the fertilising of the mandrake root and henbane patch. F.A.C. heal thyself! How about applying some of those healing herbs to your print awards, which ranged from the mediocre to complete shite this year.

Posted in worst garden | Tagged , , | 109 Comments

When The Worst was Young

I was sent this charming picture of a very young The Worst of Perth elite, back in the days when the worst was young and WAY79 cotton blend Tshirts were white and new. Who is that young worster daring the camera to record his socks and sandals? Lovely shot. Definitely not worst. And it’s not me.

Posted in not worst | Tagged | 46 Comments

My Sweet Goon

My sweet goon (gurur brahma)
My sweet goon (krishna krishna)

Outrage Cohen reports from the Lagos of Perth, Guildford where kiddies are now cutting their fruity lexia with orange fruit cup. That’s two fruitys in the same drink. Hooo-eee! That bladder is sucked as dry as a nun’s nightie. More goon baggery. Surely the end of days? Or perhaps a view to a kill? Reminds me a little of the undies exploded by Passion pop. Outrage uses the Cookster method of getting the subject out of focus, but fortunately a severe unsharp mask did the trick.

Posted in worst drink, worst food | Tagged | 34 Comments

Registered Wankers

Another in the essence of Perth summed up by worstness. Orbea sends in two “lawn shots”. I always want to do burnouts on the patches of land that have registered lawn written on them. Also conduct wet Tshirt competitions on them. Even evoke metaphors. The only other way to improve a lawn like this is a plastic drink container full of water to attract dogs to piss on it.

Posted in worst garden | Tagged , | 24 Comments

Brock Mystery Deepens

Some light may have been shone on the metal head recently featured, with this cryptic story in the Hills Gazette (or was it the Banjo Players & Albino News?). It does nail down the fact that it is Brocky not Dave from Diffs that is “pictured” but the whole thing is still baffling. The pic file blurb says that this is not the actual sculpture. So it’s a what? An ambit claim? Also the reason that it is so bad and that it is stuck in a Gooseberry Hill garden is still not addressed. Also the mystery of why there would be a club for such a shitty car as a Torana XU1, or any Torana for that matter is also still unclear. Or why someone would create another memorial for Brocky who it seems from all evidence was a bit of a knob. Strange days indeed. An iron Mainy with a metal speech balloon full of incoherent babble I could get behind. This? Not. Thanks Cimbali for snaggin a copy of the B&A News.

Posted in worst art, worst public art, worst sculpture | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

The Best of The Worst of Perth Twitter

The Worst of Perth Twitter has been running pretty hot lately.

Here’s the Best of the TWOP twitter newsfeed. Current news alerts are in the sidebar, or subscribe to them all with The Worst of Perth rss news feed so you don’t miss any gold. Whoa, reading agin, these are pretty funny.

Tim Winton fights “No shoes no service policy”. A Sydney restaurant got more than it bargained for, when the dishevelled “Bum” they refuse…

Dolphins died of “ennui”. Murdoch vets have confirmed that Swan Rivers dolphins are dying from a combination of wistfulness and nostalgia. T…

Susannah Carr’s sensational tell all book “Newzhound”released by Fremntle Press. On Rick Ardon. Hands like an octopus, head like a squid…

Zempilas to Patti Chong. – “You’re not A List anymore. Deal with it!” Basil Zempilas, Perth’s George Clooney was opening a new footpath in…

Lagos to Lisa Scaffidi, “We are not Perth’s Sister City!” Furious Nigerian Officials claimed they were duped by the Mayor into a Sister City…

Cook & The Chef’s Maggie Beer describes herself as “Biddy -licious” and sidekick Simon as a “smouldering voil au vent of energy.”…

Mitchell Johnson’s mother hits back. “You’re adopted. And you smell.”…

90% of journalists still drive Sigmas. – Wheels. “An undercover journo driving a Sigma, might as well have a sign on their head. ” said the…

Cundall “Too pretty for jail” – Defence. Fearing he would become “someone’s bitch” the vivacious 84 year old begged the bail court judge for…

Peter Cundall had shiv made out of carrot. Tas Police confirm the veteran gardener “somehow obtained pointed vegetables” while in custody in…

Edith Cowan to Issue 2ply and quilted degrees. Following the Australian University audit (AUQA) Edith Cowan University has decided to make…

Julie Bishop’s personality “cured” after touching Tony Abbot’s robe. Formerly described as having the personality of a frying pan…

Posted in Best of banned by The West, The Worst of Perth Twitter | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Weekend Worstoff 85

Been an outstanding week of worsts, donger aerial, airport toilet, TAB ooshta and many more. For the weekend WAtching sends a shot of Rolls Royce with gold nurries that I’m sure has been spoken about before, but I don’t think it’s been submitted. I hope not, because WAtching complains that none of his pics have ever been featured.Damian is astounded that someone would add their dog as a place of interest on google maps, but we are talking about Osborne Park, so I guess it would be one of the major attractions for tourists in the Cedric Street area.

Teh Cookster is ultra concerned that the Western suburbs is going gangsta. Or is it Gangsta Santa? And John M sends this from Canberra to show that Perth is not the only city where vibrancy drips from evry lip. Thanks everyone. Worst well

Posted in weekend worstoff, worst car, worst graffiti | Tagged , | 23 Comments

Sniff a Black Swan

Another in the infinite regression of bad swan logos. I assume it’s not just me that sees a person getting their nose right up a swan’s ringhole? Right up there?  Maybe it’s too soon after this one. In any case Black Swan Theatre (who I am sure would go all Wintony on our arses at any opportunity,) try again.

Posted in worst graphic design | Tagged | 15 Comments

Luckshop Goonbag

Luck shop, Goon Bag, she’s there, I say
Please share my Moselle -a

That old goon bag we employed it
The Mandurah dogs did shine

Luck shop goonbag and some ciggies,
By CHOGM she was mine  – The Hollies

From first time (I think) submitter David B who saw this vibrancy wormhole outside Northbridge TAB. Not only do they have a rather generous interpretation of 5 metres vis a vis the smoking, but an upturned crate with an inflated goonbag has also been added for increased ooshta. A nice advertisement for the gambling lifestyle. Maybe they can get She-Ra Scaffidi to ceremonially blow up the bag. I think this is all part of Colin Barnett’s Northbridge revival package. Nicely done. That almost looks like Bento sitting inside. Nah, couldn’t be. I’m sure he’d be a Chemin de Fer man. Forget I even mentioned it.

Another excellent worst. Thanks David.

Posted in worst objects | Tagged , | 36 Comments

The Worst of Perth Live

For those that didn’t see the last TWOP Live Show, there is a reprise version next Thursday at The Charles. The last one was very well received, even by a drunken slapper.

Posted in worst of perth | 4 Comments