You can stay as you are for the rest of your life…

What’s the deal with me not being on Perth A List? More to the point, what’s the deal with alcohol distributors not slipping me a case or two. Howling Wolves! Where are you bastards? That Spanish wine with the label that looked like tits? Nothing! The only ones that have come to the party have neen Air New Zealand to the tune of one fucking bottle! Maybe stories of the infamous Mainstay Rum Launch which I was videoing at The Merlin Hotel (now Hyatt) in 1983 have been holding everyone back. I seem to remember prawns on the barbecue next to the Merlin pool, then a long blank period. Later in the evening, rings were puked. Punches might even have been thrown. Or was the vomiting brought on by the slogan “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life, or you can change to Mainstay.”? In any case, piss purveyors, what better publicity. If the TWOP enourage at The Brisbane the other day is anything to go by, this is your prime fucking demographic. You’ll get a couple of pars of insouciant prose and an audience of thousands. 

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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51 Responses to You can stay as you are for the rest of your life…

  1. Richarbl says:

    The problem TLA, is that alcohol companies won’t give you/us booze because we are already buying their delicious nectar.

    What we need to do is start criticising various wine and beers and the cartons will start flowing to placate our searing words.
    Once word is on the street that TWOP dislikes a particular tipple the phones will be (metaphorically) jumping off the hook and you/we can wallow in happy oblivion forever.


    • shazza says:

      These things require a little more imagination richarbl. It’s never enough to just speak lowly of a product. One must talk as if they were once a fan, than experienced some bitter disappointment. The intended company will be open then to winning back your patronage with goodies.


  2. Onanist says:

    It’s worth a shot.

    I fucking hate Penfolds Grange 1990!


  3. skink says:

    “it attained national status by 1967′


    this bottle is an independent country?

    did it attend CHOGM?

    who is the king of this country?

    can I be king?

    “is as special to this country as Bundaberg Rum is to Queensland bogans”


  4. Ljuke says:

    You will always be on the A List of our hearts. No velvet ropes shall deny you access to our ventricles, no surly bouncers to lamp you and drag you by your shirt collar from our collective aortas.

    That analogy got creepy even quicker than I expected.


  5. Orbea says:

    The only Gavin I know is a complete cunt. He attends B&S’s and does circlejerks in his ute. Fucken country bumpkin. and he drinks that foul cats piss Bundy


  6. CB One says:

    1983? How fucking old are you TLA?
    I wasn’t even aware of the existence of rum in 1983, let alone able to video it.

    But closer to home, may I say, I think they’ve changed something down Freo way. I used to love Little Creatures Pale Ale, but the beer has changed for the worse ever since they opened the Melbourne branch. I think they’ve compromised quality in their push for a larger market share. How un-Freo!! Time to move headquarters up to Mosman Park!

    Or send 3 cases to:
    CB One
    c/o TWOP
    Somewhere just west of Kalgoorlie

    I’m prepared to give it another crack.


  7. Bento says:

    Claims to sovereignty notwithstanding, that is a curiously self-effacing promotional blurb.

    “We used to be very popular with the nig-nogs and wogs (assorted, but particularly Indians), but we’re not as popular these days as we used to be.”


  8. Phreestyle says:

    Me, I am drinking Bintang ’til it it comes out my nose (or other parts – depending on how well the class has been washed). When I’m not drinking Bintang then a Bali Storm will do the trick. Still waiting for the wilderbeast to make an appearance though.


    “Bronze Ale” – 5.4%Alc. – Rich and tasty. A complex full-flavoured chestnut-coloured ale. Sweet malt in the mouth balanced by honeyed hop notes. Best enjoyed with anticipation, a large gathering of friends, or alone with a Wilderbeest on the beach at sunset.

    Bali Storm


  9. flynn says:

    as a poor student, and wood alcohol not being fancied, the drink of max alcohol units per cent…. was stout. The advantage also was not many people stole it at parties, unless it was well into the wee small hours then anything at all was consumed by any-one left standing.


    • Ljuke says:

      So true. You should try brewing your own. No one goes near it unless you insist. Malthouse in Welshpool is particularly good for learners.


      • rolly says:

        Ljuke: I wish.

        I have to call in a security mob to defend the premises whenever I crack a bottle or two of a well cellared brew.

        Mind you, I do have friends with rather refined tastes.


  10. cookster says:

    Polish Pure Spirit – gets you drunker than a lord very quickly and removes all sorts of stains from garments. Even jizz Monkeypants.


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