First let me welcome new readers to The Worst of Perth. Stats from around the planet are rising nicely, and Perth numbers are climbing sharply too. Maybe we will get those million hits by September after all. (Even if half of them are from Patti Chong.)
On the strength of my extorting a bottle of fine NZ chardonnay out of Air NewZealand, TWOP decided to have a NZ piss fest last week. Who knew there was New Zealand vodka? Astoundingly, despite the fermenting/distilling process being excellent, every one had a fatal marketing cock-up, like Islamic art, where there has to be a flaw. (Or something).
We’ve already talked about the extorted bottle and the unusual choice of Swamp Reserve as a title. (Perhaps toxic waste ground was already registered?) The contents though were very, very nice. I didn’t really get to taste too much of the others as they evaporated on the gathered tongues faster than the first rain on a dingo’s clacka. The tongues included such TWOP luminaries as Ljuke and his Frail “Pigalle” Anne, Le Teh Outrage Cohen, plus his frail “Krazy Kym“), and My Ning and his Frail, “No link Cath”. NB. Bedford Crackpot & his Frail “Rear View Rachel” were pointedly absent. Svenkage expert Jesper had not made his presence felt by this time, so his name was not on the door. Next time.
But moving on, Steely Dan. Listen, nice wine I’m sure, but really, why would anyone name their wine after a dildo? Or even a band who had named themselves after a dildo? Insane. Absolutely insane. According to this website, it mates beautifully with all good faire and is a coup de grâce with good runny cheese.” Oh my god, it’s worse than I thought. It MATES and is a dildo? Whatever happened to “fruity overtones”?
And perhaps even more distasteful than a dildo wine would be a Crowded House wine. Weren’t they Australian? No I make joke. Why would we want to be associated with those turkeys. And why would a wine want to be lashed to the mast of such crap music? More marketing insanity. Crowded House? What next, Dave fucking Dobbin Pinot? Now a Helen Clarke Chardonnay…
Perhaps most astounding was finding a New Zealand beer that isn’t vying for the title of world’s shittiest. Unlike Speights (fucking revolting) Tui (pure crap) and Monteiths, (more crap), this Mac’s brewery product was excellent. Really, really nice. For Perth readers, Macs is a kinda Wellington little Creatures. Once again, nice drop, but as I posted when I visited the place in Wellington, why would someone advertise like this? You don’t EVER suggest your beer may contain bodily fluids people. Didn’t you go to marketing 101? (You can buy the product without the dumb advertising at Devine Cellars in Bedford. Say that I sent you, so I might be able to lever some more free piss. No seriously.)
And here’s the vodka. Maybe they also have some incredibly stupid marketing campaign, but I haven’t seen it. Wait, let me go check the website before I go on. Oh, fuck me drunk, they’ve got a cat done up as as Hitler. No, that’s it. I’m going to bed. A Cat Hitler? I’m outta here. Perhaps Gruen factor needs a NZ piss special. What NZ needs is a Cat Hitler, sweat and blood infused, dildo dipped, swamp fever, Sauvingnon Blanc, as drunk by Crowded fucking House. Now THAT you could put me down for a case of.