New Zealand Piss Fest – The Reckoning

First let me welcome new readers to The Worst of Perth. Stats from around the planet are rising nicely, and Perth numbers are climbing sharply too. Maybe we will get those million hits by September after all. (Even if half of them are from Patti Chong.)

On the strength of my extorting a bottle of fine NZ chardonnay out of Air NewZealand, TWOP decided to have a NZ piss fest last week. Who knew there was New Zealand vodka? Astoundingly, despite the fermenting/distilling process being excellent, every one had a fatal marketing cock-up, like Islamic art, where there has to be a flaw. (Or something).

We’ve already talked about the extorted bottle and the unusual choice of  Swamp Reserve as a title. (Perhaps toxic waste ground was already registered?) The contents though were very, very nice. I didn’t really get to taste too much of the others as they evaporated on the gathered tongues faster than the first rain on a dingo’s clacka. The tongues included such TWOP luminaries as Ljuke and his Frail “Pigalle” Anne,   Le Teh Outrage Cohen, plus his frail “Krazy Kym“), and My Ning and his Frail, “No link Cath”. NB. Bedford Crackpot & his Frail “Rear View Rachel” were pointedly absent. Svenkage expert Jesper had not made his presence felt by this time, so his name was not on the door. Next time.

swampBut moving on, Steely Dan. Listen, nice wine I’m sure, but really, why would anyone name their wine after a dildo? Or even a band who had named themselves after a dildo? Insane. Absolutely insane. According to this website, it mates beautifully with all good faire and is a coup de grâce with good runny cheese.” Oh my god, it’s worse than I thought. It MATES and is a dildo? Whatever happened to “fruity overtones”?

steelyAnd perhaps even more distasteful than a dildo wine would be a Crowded House wine. Weren’t they Australian? No I make joke. Why would we want to be associated with those turkeys. And why would a wine want to be lashed to the mast of such crap music? More marketing insanity. Crowded House? What next, Dave fucking Dobbin Pinot? Now a Helen Clarke Chardonnay…

crowdedPerhaps most astounding was finding a New Zealand beer that isn’t vying for the title of world’s shittiest. Unlike Speights (fucking revolting) Tui (pure crap) and Monteiths, (more crap),  this Mac’s brewery product was excellent. Really, really nice. For Perth readers, Macs is a kinda Wellington little Creatures. Once again, nice drop, but as I posted when I visited the place in Wellington, why would someone advertise like this? You don’t EVER suggest your beer may contain bodily fluids people. Didn’t you go to marketing 101? (You can buy the product without the dumb advertising at Devine Cellars in Bedford. Say that I sent you, so I might be able to lever some more free piss. No seriously.)

macsAnd here’s the vodka. Maybe they also have some incredibly stupid marketing campaign, but I haven’t seen it. Wait, let me go check the website before I go on. Oh, fuck me drunk, they’ve got a cat done up as as Hitler. No, that’s it. I’m going to bed. A Cat Hitler? I’m outta here. Perhaps Gruen factor needs a NZ piss special. What NZ needs is a Cat Hitler, sweat and blood infused, dildo dipped, swamp fever, Sauvingnon Blanc, as drunk by Crowded fucking House. Now THAT you could put me down for a case of.


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in *Worst of New Zealand and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to New Zealand Piss Fest – The Reckoning

  1. Grrr says:

    Funny you should post this.
    I had a stubby of Black Mac last night.
    It was awful.
    Just awful.
    Of course, I’m no Little Creatures fan.
    It was not the worst of the two beers I had last night.
    (That was a Redoak Wee Heavy, from Sydney – I too raided The Beer Store on Saturday night).

    The bottle noted that it was “shaped like a marital aide”.
    I’m not married, so that confused me.

    Must try 42 Below and see how it stacks up against Wild Swan.

    (PS: That cat is the well known LOLcat Hitler Cat. If I knew how there would be an in-line image of the LOLcat community frowning on your shennanigans — maybe linked to Shennanigans Pub in Morley.)


  2. Grrr says:

    Mention of NZ beers, but no loathing for Steinlarger?

    For shame.


  3. mrs stone says:

    Good to see your’e having your greens, with your grains TLA.


  4. Rolly says:

    If Aussie boozers had even the slightest modicum of taste, the mainstream mass manufacturers of the piss that they falsely advertise as beer would simply not have a market.

    Thank god Coopers have those brewing kits that produce ale with flavour – a concept not understood by the mainstream imbibers of equine urine.

    Must go; I have a brew to bottle.


  5. David Cohen says:

    It was a delightful afternoon.

    Disappointing, however, there was no hangi to accompany the fine wines.


  6. Groucho says:

    They have a kiwi fruit flavoured vodka too….


  7. Frank Calabrese says:
  8. Hughie says:

    Geez you’re quick, Frank. I was just about to post the same…


  9. flynn says:

    Thats why you can feel so shitty next morning – furballs


  10. Richarbl says:

    Can there be a more warming sight than a bottle of cheap frozen Vodka nestled into a nearly empty bag of goon?


  11. Richarbl says:

    Does the label give an indication to the recommended temperature at which the vodka should be drunk at?

    I could go on, y’now like how good would it be to have a cat that actually looked like Hitler. Makes me want to buy a white cat and a texta.


  12. David Cohen says:

    There’s quite a bit of frozen food in that fridge.

    No purveyors of fresh goodies out your way, TLA? You don’t pick up some rocket and chervil from the Beaufort Street Merchant on the way home?


  13. Aileen Wuornos says:

    I didn’t know 42 below was Kiwi. There I was for many years thinking it was you know. Regular vodka.

    That shit is fucking tasty though.


  14. Cookster says:

    Where the fucking fuck was my invitation?


    • I knew you’d be cashew deep in Sexpo stuff. And anyway didn’t you say you wouldn’t touch Kiwi piss with someone else’s dick?


      • Cookster says:

        Chockas to the apricots if you will… cashews? Puhleeze…

        I’m still fucking outraged. And no, ordinarily I wouldn’t piss on NZ ‘puss’ if et wuz on fire… but I’ve hed a revelation.

        Had a visit from The Perth File’s Melbourne correspondent not long ago and after we polished off a bottle of Grey Goose I sent him to the bottlo to get more.

        He returns with this 42 Below gear, so with furrowed brown I peruse the label and on spying the Made in NZ label immediately burst forth with a ‘what the fuck did you buy this shit for?’ His response, ‘I knew you’d say that you cock head, but they were out of Goose and this is the second most expensive vodka they sell.’

        ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I’m preparing myself to forgive you…’


  15. David Cohen says:

    You were blacklisted because of your pro-daylight saving propaganda, Cookster. I only went because Krazy Kym got an invite – someone had to drive her.


  16. Slanderer says:

    Hey Cockster, if it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t invited either. I know, let’s organise our own Wurst of Perth get together… Let’s have it at Sexpo, ready with the NZ plonk at hand…

    Can’t believe you’re a daylight saving denier.


  17. Pingback: Rusted Hoist « The Worst of Perth

  18. Pingback: Bloody Oath | The Worst of Perth

  19. Pingback: Babydoll | The Worst of Perth

We can handle the worst

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s