The Last Soldier

A Sunday worst in the form of condemnation and a plea from the mining and Colin Barnett expert, MyNing. The fuel that powers the MyNing Barnett diatribes, Swan Stout, is apparently not being produced anymore. MyNing has scoured and emptied all the bottleshops in the Beaufort Street arrondisement of this magic elixir. So first he wants to shake his fist at Lion Nathan for stopping brewing it without any information about why, and secondly to ask any TWOP readers if their local piss shops still have a carton or two left.

As to the first. Lion Nathan are the makers of the world’s worst beer, Speights, so it’s not really a surprise that they are out of touch with what beer should be brewed. A poor man’s Fosters Lager is the best way to describe Speights, a NZ South Island brew, or perhaps Fosters made by a first time homebrewer. Insipid, sickly and sweet. Swan Stout however is described as “A distinctive full bodied stout…with an exceptional creamy flavour.” The 7.5% alcohol level is perhaps more relevant to the MyNing case in my opinion.

So next time you are in buying your Black Sambuca, ask the proprietor if they still have any Swan Stout left, and post a comment with the location.

The last known stubbie of Swan Stout

The last known stubbie of Swan Stout. Rest in peace.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in *Worst of New Zealand, *Worst of The World, worst food and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to The Last Soldier

  1. Barney says:

    Well if it stops the prick remembering every single stuff-up I’ve made in the last 25 years, and writing 3000 words about it here, then it can only be a good thing. Jeez he’s like a Paul Murray that actually knows something.


  2. Rachel says:

    I worked in a bottleshop a lifetime ago and it was always empties of swan stout that we’d find hidden behind the slabs of swan gold at the back of the store or shoved behind the fruity lexia.

    MyNing, the oracle that is boozle seems to indicate that Dan Murphy’s in *gulp* Balga or er, Albany might be a goer. You might even be able to snap some worsts on the way.

    However the price appears to be $59.95/carton which seems like an awfully toffy price for such a bogan drop.

    At $63.99/carton it also appears to be available at Liquorlands in Mirrabooka, Armadale, Beaumaris (is that a suburb?), Carramar (?), Belridge (?), Belmont, Bentley, Canning Vale, Cannington and ….. Cottesloe.

    Happy drinking.


  3. MyNing, I have queried Lion Nathan on your behalf.

    “Thank you for submitting your query or comments. A Lion Nathan representative will review your request and contact you shortly.”

    Lion Nathan Limited


  4. Snuff says:

    Political assassination is one thing, but discontinuing someone’s favourite beer is just dirty pool. Shame, Barney, shame.

    Just on the South Island, TLA, a little while ago I perused your best NZ photos, and like the other commenters, was very taken with your shot of the Monster Waves off Dunedin. I think I may recognise those rocks. Was the photo taken at Dunedin’s St. Kilda beach, or around on the Peninsula ?


  5. Rocketpants says:

    A long time ago Swan Stout used to be made by Coopers and was, unsurprisingly, very similar to Coopers stout. I preferred it then.


  6. rocketpants11 says:

    The last time I drank Speights I was in New Zealand. At the same time as one of those Fijian coups was going on – and to this day I have a fond memory of Speights* and still call them Georgies.

    * There are many worse beers than this. Budweiser, Coors, Emu Export….


  7. oldmate somecunt says:


    Oh well, back to Sheaf Stout for me then.


  8. Barney says:

    Cottesloe? Bahaha! Sadly no more Rachel. I have bought up the entire stock poisoning my electorate. Now MyNing, if you were just to ixnay on the ingstreamkay, we might be able to come to an arrangement.

    From the desk of Premier Barnett


  9. Frank Calabrese says:

    From the desk of Premier Barnett

    Colin, you Cuolo Stritto, fancy only coughing up $250,000 for Telethon, especially after PM Rudd gave $1.5 million, and he ain’t even a local.


  10. I don’t think I have drunk Coors, but I have never come across a beer anywhere near as bad as Speights. Some say that South Australian beer is worst, but have never tasted it.


  11. Rolly says:

    No worries, chasps,
    I’ll just continue to enjoy my Coopers stout as I do most evenings. Homebrewed, of course.


  12. The reply from Lion Nathan.

    We try to introduce new brands from time to time to meet the consumers changing tastes. Unfortunately the bottle shops don’t have the room available to store all of the different brands that are already on the market and the new brands being introduced. So to make room for the outlets to stock some of the new ranges coming out, we have had to delete some of our slower selling ones.

    Sadly Swan Stout is one of the brands that is a slower selling beer nationally, hence the decision to stop brewing it.

    Bassma Flaifel Lion Nathan.


  13. Bento says:

    @12 LA – did you reply to point out the unfortunate absence of an apostrophe?

    It was thoughtful of Lion Nathan to explain the fundamental problem of ‘unlimited wants v scarce resources’. Can you perhaps query them on the protestant work ethic? My friend has an essay to write.


  14. And does “Bassma Flaifel” have the vibe of “Keyser Soze” to you?


  15. Cookster says:

    Hannan’s Lager… the best cure for constipation known to mankind.


  16. skink says:

    Coors is bad, but I nominate Cristal Beer from Cuba as the worst in the world

    (I disqualify Swan Gold, since this is no longer produced since that bout of cat flu wiped out their herd)

    I am guessing there are no hops grown in Cuba, and the embargo prevents their importation, but this has not stopped them making beer. Beer devoid of taste or finish.

    according to their PR it is however ‘clean’ – in the same way that Drano is clean.


  17. Snuff#4. Sorry, I didn’t reply about New Zealand. yes, on the penninsula. The photo cannot do justice to those waves. They were monsters. they were terrifying from a long distance away.


  18. Ljuke says:

    I nearly cried when I heard that Swan Stout was no longer being brewed. It’s by far the best locally available stout. Cooper’s Extra Stout tastes exactly the same as the homebrew stout I used to make, so I never saw the point in paying such a high price for it.

    Rachel#2 – The reason it’s so expensive is that it’s strength makes each stubby the equivalent of two stubbies of any other beer. All of the stronger ones are more expensive.


  19. forkboy says:

    skink @ 16 – Im sorry but the worst beer ever made (and still produced) would have to WEST END Lager (South Australia)…………………………….the loss of swan stout to the general drinking populace is a massive blow, kinda like a death in the family…..hang your head in shame Loin Nathan…..fucking Lion Nancy more like it……general tip – bucks off in Innaloo still have a good stock of this “laying around” if your after a fix…………if you miss out….head straight to the Carlsurg Speciall Brew…$4.95 600ml can 9%………..fucking mind bending gear……..better than the local smoked herrings.

    or you could buy good quality SAF yeast and pump up your home brew to about 12-13%……..without the tax……NICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE……hic*


  20. David Cohen says:

    Goldstar beer in Israel is pretty dire.

    I love the old Perth euphemism (which I saw in a Tom Hungerford short story) for alcoholism: “The two birds got him.” The birds in question being Swan Lager and Emu Export.


  21. forkboy says:

    Swan Lager used to be a great drop……..something happened on the way to the name change……Emu Export…hmmmmmm lets not talk about it.


  22. Snuff says:

    @ 17 TLA

    Thanks, TLA. I wasn’t sure. Actually, after I’d posted I surfed around, (sorry), and discovered that St. Kilda beach now has some bloody great pier sewerage outlet thingy smack bang in the middle of the tubes. As you’ll see in this fantastic blog, the hardy locals are unfazed, and appear to just play chicken with it.

    The rock I thought I recognised is definitely Lion’s Head Rock, so did you roll down those massive dunes at Sandfly Bay ?

    I spent 2 wonderful years in magical Dunedin, and whilst the swells were truly daunting, even for someone who’d spent many holidays at Yalingup and Margs, I was often more scared of freezing to death.

    @ 13 Bento

    I think TLA has wisely outsourced the apostrophe patrol overseas, as it’s precisely the kind of nonsense I’m (over)paid to research, anyway.


  23. My Ning says:

    Hey wait a minute – I thought this was about my alcoholism and drunken anti-CB rants, not the sewer that is St Kilda Beach or memories of NZ…

    But on the subject of bad beer, I always thought Fosters was particularly dire … and the letter to the Lazy Aussie from Lion Nathan explains the disappearance of Swan Gold, which I had such a low regard for that I hadn’t even thought about it for 10 years, meaning I wasn’t even aware of the fact that they had actually yanked it (or any other beers for that matter).

    One of the biggest blows, I believe, was when they knocked Guinness down from 6.8% to 6% in 2000. I seem to recall they didn’t drop the price of longnecks – they just did this to make us grateful that its price didn’t increase. That was when I switched to SS….

    Thank you Rachel @2 for the advice on where to buy the bogan drop. I’ll wear my red and black flannel shirt when I cruise the suburbs in my 1972 HQ this weekend looking for the last of this most fattenening of brews…..


  24. Hughie says:

    Pffft. 1972 HQ my arse… Red mid-80s Astra, isn’t it?


  25. BrownBook says:

    LA you would have had a few warm Snow pi jius up in the North-East? Pretty much on the other end of the spectrum to a frosty Tsingtao…


  26. Yes snow beer was not so nice. The Dalian beer was Black Eagle or something. Not too bad. the Beijing one was nan jing also not so bad.


  27. The BCF says:

    You could borrow me ute Ninger!!!! Get a cupla crates Bro!! :)


  28. Pingback: New Zealand Piss Fest – The Reckoning « The Worst of Perth

  29. Lumberjack says:

    In 2014 I am still devastated that Swan Stout is no longer produced. Everytime I have a Guinness Stout or Coopers I long for that brilliant, robust flavour and head spinning alcohol volume. Damn you lion nathan! Damn you to hell!


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