Piss and teh Devil had done for teh rest.

The broccoli and the zucchini still lie, for all that I know, where Sumich buried them; and certainly they shall lie there for me. Oxen and wain-ropes would not bring me back again to that accursed Spearwood; and the worst dreams that ever I have are when I hear the surf booming about Phoenix Plaza, or start upright in bed, with the sharp voice of Peter Sumich still ringing in my ears: ‘Pieces of carrot pieces of carrot!”
Robert Louis Stephenson
“Two captains will sink the ship”
Turkish quote.

In that case the two steering wheels are definitely a bad idea. Turf continues to astound with his expose on Perth’s Deep South worsts. Nice to have something from Albino territory. Turf also points out that the hose is always there, but the grass is always dead. AND there’s sort of rendered coke bottles on top. Turf you’re too good, and there’s still another to come.

Garbage Scow Winfield Street Spearwood from Turf

Garbage Scow Winfield Street Spearwood from Turf

Scorched earth at the garbage scow, from Turf.

Scorched earth at the garbage scow, from Turf.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in worst art, worst garden, worst public art, worst sculpture and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to Piss and teh Devil had done for teh rest.

  1. David Cohen says:

    You are joking me.


  2. squib says:



  3. Rolly says:


    World class European styling!

    Two driving positions reminiscent of New York Fire Trucks!

    Neglected garden hose and concreted beer stubbies adding a local touch:
    Like Holden badges on imported foreign vehicles.


  4. Greg Tangey says:

    umm somebody somewhere lives at this house?


  5. Snuff says:

    Jesus wept.


  6. Groucho says:

    The grass is always dead because of the seawater salt from washing the boat down with the hose. Obviously you guys are not boaties.


  7. Rolly says:


    Some of us have to make do with a plastic soap dish in the bath tub :D


  8. CK says:

    Wow. Just wow.


  9. squib says:

    We have to make do with a galleon


  10. Cookster says:

    Personally, I think that sort of creativity should be encouraged. My late Nanna’s brother-in-law Ron, husband of Sheila, did a nice line in concrete Aboriginies and kookaburras.

    LA – speaking of things harking back to this era. I went for a roll at North Fremantle Bowling Club on Saturday and spied some most excellent TWOP material, however, I was sans camera.

    The Ladie’s (sic) lounge is manna from heaven – I even rummaged up a David Seoul (Starsky & Hutch) LP, hiding in behind a portrait of the Queen.

    No matter though, Cookster Senior is managing the place, so I’ll be back there soon with my balls in one hand and the digi in the other.

    By crikey, it’d make the perfect venue for a TWOP outing.

    Fyi, the club Patron is none other than Ben Elton.


  11. forkboy says:

    It appears you have found the Australian Navy’s new TOP SECRET Singapore Harbour entrance simulator……………………………….LA….ASIO are outside you place right now!


  12. Well I hope they don’t run over my retic like they did last time.


  13. forkboy says:



  14. Tony T says:

    And to think people ask me why I moved to Melbourne.


  15. flynn says:

    Yeah, a Melbournian would have painted the paving slabs blue.


  16. They wouldn’t be allowed to use that hose either.


  17. Cookster says:

    Tony T – take a long drive out to the back of Sunshine or Melton one arvo and you’ll be smack bang right back in TWOP territory.

    You could also try Mooroolbark or Boronia out east… Healesville or Powelltown for the full hillbilly experience.


  18. Groucho says:

    I got it !!!….it is a Noah’s Ark thing happening right there in downtown Spearwood. Everything is in twos….two lions…..two steering wheels (his and hers), two seater and did anyone see the two multi directional weather vanes. It all makes sense now….I think


  19. Tony T says:

    Sunshie? Melton? No self-respecting Tigerlander would ever venture that far into the suburbs.

    And the slabs are green around my joint.


  20. Snuff says:

    Ben Elton, you say, Cookster ? Well, I guess he did get lucky with a North Freo Jam Tart.

    Curiously, 11 of his 12 novels were published by Black Swan, the exception being Stark, the television series of which he starred in as “whinging pom” CD, alongside a very hawt Jacqueline McKenzie. Despite being largely set in WA, it was apparently filmed in Victoria and South Australia. Fair enough … the Breakaways near Coober Pedy do scrub up nicely in decent light.


  21. My gripe with him that although he supposedly spends a lot of time here, have never seen him at local stand-up. Also those musicals he wrote were appallingly bad. Tried to start a couple of his novels, but they seemed pretty bad too. On the other hand, the Elizabethan Blackadder series was fantastic.


  22. Tony T says:

    Back in 1990 Elton hosted Vizard (A Melbourne late night talk show which was a direct rip off from Letterman) for a week.


  23. forkboy says:

    I hear that his wife is really a man and that he has never written his own material. It’s an automated script from a secret microsoft supercomputer called BIGBUCKS…………the same supercomputer also paid Kasperov to “take a dive” against his second cousin BIGBLUE in that infamous chess match some years ago………fucking conspiricies abound about this mofo…………..the trash published in his name has a much more sinister message…………..fucking bible code my arse…………………this guy is evil.

    Just wish Freo wasnt a nuclear free zone…………fucking hippies.


  24. Snuff says:

    Fair enough, TLA. Sir Ben, (surely it’s only a matter of time), has come in for a fair bit of stick from all quarters. In this interesting interview published in the Scottish Sunday Herald in 2006 >


    he contends that, “I would have loved a honeymoon period, but I’ve been irritating journos from the beginning. Originally I was knocked for being too left-wing, and now apparently I’ve sold out and I’m too right-wing, but all the time I’ve been being me, and that certainly isn’t the person I recognise in anything that’s written about me.”

    Personally, I’ve found his output patchy too, but I’m willing to ignore the stuff that does nothing for me, if I get to keep Blackadder.


  25. Cookster says:

    Personally I’m a big fan of the Sir Elton novels and not ashamed to say that I’ve read ’em all – thoroughly amusing I find. But then my taste in literature is all over the shop… from Hanif Kureishi through to Robert G Barrett.

    TLA, he does indeed spend a lot of time here, but is hunkered down a fair bit getting words on paper. I would think he’ll be out and about a lot more come summer.

    In the meantime, could I interest you in a gig at the NFBC???


  26. What do those letters mean?


  27. Groucho says:

    I get :
    Northwest Filipino Baptist Church
    National Fantasy Baseball Championship
    Niagara Frontier Bicycle Club
    North Florida Bicycle Club
    National Financial Brokerage Company
    Northern Finland Birth Cohorts


    North Fremantly Bowling Club


  28. Cookster says:

    You got it Groucho – TLA’s been on the herring again obviously.

    Speaking of herring, where’s teh Cohen boy today? I’ll bet he’s holed up with a half ounce of dried octopus and his uncle Leonard’s records spinning on the three-in-one.

    C’mon DC, cat got your haiku?


  29. David Cohen says:


    Like ships in the blight
    Hearty things of stone and wood
    Pave the way to worst.


  30. As Cyprus Hill say
    “Just got a blue ring in the mail”


  31. Cookster says:

    If I dose you wiv blue ring man, you will know you’ve been dosed…


  32. David Cohen says:

    Balls. I’ll swallow it and run a mile.


  33. Cookster says:

    Cool your boots, man, this blue ring’s valued at two quid.


  34. Groucho says:

    Inkling of a bargain….


  35. Frankenchokey says:

    Jesus I was wondering when this would show up. Ive been meaning to take a photo of it every time I go to my parent’s house.
    One of the many reasons to move out of Spearwood…


  36. Groucho says:

    Come on ! Sunsets must be beautiful in that part of Spearwood, sitting on the upper deck, sipping Asti from imported plastic tumblers, listening to Split Enz “Six months in a leaky boat”, the echo of roaring lions in the distance and the wife and 10 kids arguing over whose turn it is to steer…watching the sun go down over tile roofs…sheer bliss


  37. Turf says:

    Good one Groucho.
    Those weather vanes you noticed are welded in place, they don’t even turn to the wind direction.


  38. Groucho says:

    What ????? Next you’re going to tell me the boat is cemented to the ground !


  39. A rare piece. Two words: The Tate.


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