I still can’t Swallow

(Alarmingly) small small bar Swallow, (aka Madcuntz MadKûntz aka Knobgoblins) is still nowhere near completion. The photo makes it look twice the size it actually is. I looked in the other day and there’s not even a bar in there yet. I did like the old timey lettering, but It’s a bit hard to see where the 75 patrons would go if you did install an actual bar in there. The toileting arrangements seem to have been completed, with a sandy patch outside, (There’s a rotary hoe which you use to churn your waste into the soil.) but seems to me that the actual bar is months away. This is disappointing, as it is a venue I would actually be interested to go to. Can’t you pull some strings Alannah? You are seriously missing out on substantial portions of my disposable income! I want tapas and (cheeky) mojitos at a bar I can ride my bike to. Now.

About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
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109 Responses to I still can’t Swallow

  1. WarriorTom says:

    I’ll let you swallow ;)


  2. The Legend 101 says:

    oh well, you can always do the house up so you can like the colours.


  3. NF#1 says:

    I move that the Pen be renamed Spit. Not only is that appropriate, but Maylands punters, on deciding which venue to patronise, could ask themselves the eternal question.


  4. shazza says:

    It’s really small isn’t it? It’s a mini bar.


  5. skink says:

    still some work to do on teh wiring, by the look of it.

    they’re still waiting for a building licence for the toilet block at teh back, but you’re right, you’d think the Mayor of Vincent could call the Mayor of Minglewood Gaylands and get it sorted.

    I like the booths. Makes me feel nostalgic for Caffe Sport


  6. pete says:

    There’s not going to be an actual bar. They nip down around the corner and get your drinks from the Sip n Save after you order. Then they add a $16 surcharge for the ambiance.


    • The gun shop also handy.


    • RubyRuby says:

      They were doing that at xxxxxxxxxxx in Alexander Heights a couple of licencees ago. He hadn’t paid his suppliers, so they cut him off. You’d order a beer or some wine at the bar, they’d write it down, one of the barmaids would duck out to Liquorland and then charge you $38 for a $12 bottle of wine they’d just paid retail for…


  7. skink says:

    they might want to scratch off that ‘Est. 2011’ from the window,
    or add ‘but opened 2012, maybe 2013’

    I’m surprised WT missed the opportunity to give us one of his hilarious one-liners about the ‘coming soon’ sign


    • Russell Woolfe's Lovechild says:

      Yeah lucky BGC hasn’t stuck an “Opened in 2009” plaque on the Perth Arena.

      Actually it would be a useful law if all plaques stuck on publicly funded buildings were required to show the original budget, deadline and approving Minister. How much did Carps reckon that POS was going to cost?


  8. Oh, as seen by Outrage Cohen btw.


  9. Grilla says:

    Looks like a touch of Led Zeppelin font…

    …with extra points for kerning.


  10. UPDATE Have added some type suggestions via urbanfonts


  11. Russell Woolfe's Lovechild says:

    None Swallow does not make a summer.


  12. Pete says:

    The first font is a hands down winner TLA, produced in squiggle vision just like Lannies fringe.


  13. DudeCloverdale says:

    what no picture of the sand or raotary hoe, seriously the editprial content has sunk to West levels now :(


  14. UPDATED UPDATE See Skink’s inspired Steadman version.


  15. Poiyter says:

    how would a girl explain that she is just going down to Swallow for a bit?


  16. Tullio says:

    No mention of the beer of choice so far


  17. whats up with effing Perth. Why is every 2nd bar named after a bird? The bird, the aviary, the cheeky sparrow, now the swallow bar.
    Soon they will open a bar called upper swan


  18. Scanners says:

    Police commissioner Karl O’Callaghan had opposed the application, claiming another liquor outlet would cause “public disorder”.
    But liquor licensing director Barry Sargeant disagreed, ruling the bar would be in the public interest.
    That’s from an article in The Voice 21/01/2012 (yes I know that’s tomorrow, it’s obviously arrived in my mail box via a time worm-hole thingy)
    If Karl and Barry were animated a’la South Park, after Barry spoke you’d hear people singing “smart, smart, smart”, whereas when Karl said something it would be “dumb, de, dumb, dumb, dumb”


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  20. Bazza from Bunghole says:

    Just noticed this fine establishment has a facebook page. Was intrigued by this wall post
    “Oooh, a shipping container has just arrived from NSW with something very exciting inside for our bar….”
    Have no idea how anything requiring a shipping container to transport it could fit inside the bloody place. Thoughts on contents?


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  23. Martyn says:

    Another front page TWOP mention and another wander by on the weekend and another sighed ‘no small bar for *you*’. One of these days. Maybe? Or is it all long gone belly up and they’re just not telling us?


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  27. Scanners says:

    . Received Swallow Newsletter Volume 3 (I honestly don’t remember getting Volumes 1 or 2) but it announced this:-
    “Could it be? Yes! We finally see a light at the end of the tunnel! With our opening hopefully only a few weeks off, maybe it’s time to tell you a little about the who and the what behind Swallow…”
    ” Swallow is the culmination of a five year long dream, dreamt up by the two of us, Meredith Bastian and Zoe Roy. As two Melbourne based chefs, we were chasing the ambition of finding a way to share with the world our passion for rustic European style cooking, and its’ ultimate boozy bedfellows of wine, beer and the like. Whilst Melbourne made perfect culinary sense to our ambitions, Perth beckoned wildly with its’ newly introduced small bar license waving proudly in the air.”
    Well that’s enough copying a pasting. The rest of Volume 3 dealt with how ideal a location Whatley Crescent in Maylands is, the venue iself being small, dusty and crumbly, BUT that it had great energy (does that mean it’s hooked up to an electrical supply? Handy for the refrigerator). Then there was some stuff about Art Deco, and the Beaux-Arts Ball. Drinks wise Alvarinho wine from Portugal, and Samual Smith Organic Best Ale cracked a mention.
    But we still don’t actually have an official opening date.


  28. An insider says Monday now.
    I’m detoxing now.


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  30. Scanners says:

    It took ten months to get the electrical supply upgraded? My house is pretty old, 1930’s, and when I had my electrical wiring replaced/extra power points installed, I seem to remember it took three days, albeit with some fairly strong language from the sparkies during their time in the roofspace. Still, any day now, eh?


  31. Scanners says:

    Wonder what the record is for a delay in opening a venue, from conception to becoming operational, in Perth?


  32. Bento says:

    Opening date confirmed – 9 August 2012. Also birthday of Whitney Houston. It’s what she would have wanted.


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