City Bumpkin Bash

If anyone is in the Claremont area tomorrow night and sees ANY evidence of the impact of the City (excuse me while I vomit) Muster, please get a photo. Any rooting in the street. Any BMW burnouts. Any wet Prada contests. Any sincere but retarded bumpkins in the streets gawping at fancy city bathtubs. Anything.
Surprise surprise, creator of the worst song ever written in any genre “Hey True Blue”, John Williamson headlines. And also what a surprise Lee Kernigan and Kasey Chambers as also rans. Not Marilyn Chambers unfortunately, I think she ded. John The Bono Butler for Blues & Roots and Lee fucking Kernigan for a bumpkin bash. How imaginative. Here’s a shot which I assume is a rich farmer from Williams coming up for the bumpkathon. Unfortunately my phone pic is a little unclear, but it’s a Rolls Royce with a manky old roof rack. I assume only a farmer would put an old roof rack on their Roller. Probably for haybales or carting manure. WAtching, if you’re sniffing undies out Claremont way tomorrow…

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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97 Responses to City Bumpkin Bash

  1. Pfortner says:

    Gyaah, stone the crows cunt
    Lovely set of wheels ya got
    Does it go off road?

    Grace under carriage
    Flawless patina of wealth
    Bespecked with sheep shit

    Like

  2. Snuff says:

    Seek and ye shall find, TLA.

    Like

  3. rolly says:

    Dammit TLA, the bloody Roller is probably older than the roof rack screwed to it, and might even have cost less.

    What is it with you metrocentric twats that you can’t see past fucking brand labels?

    Saw a ‘sweet young thing’ admiring a whole rack of identical items of clothing with a gleam of avarice in her eyes as she said to her girlfriend: “Gee! That’s different.”

    Sad lot.

    Nearly as sad as the sycophantic Williamson followers.

    I hate CUNTry music.

    Like

  4. shazza says:

    Love the Rolls with the roof rack. Very Beverley Hillbillies. With a touch post modern juxtapostion to boot.

    And Rolly, I too hate cuntry music. But, Kasey is OK.

    Like

    • Natalia Fan #1 says:

      In that case Shaz, perhaps you could explain the Kasey Chambers, Poppa Bill and the Little Hillbillies CD and book abominations to me.

      http://www.thelittlehillbillies.com

      Like

      • Pfortner says:

        Defected to the Hordes of Chaos, eh Nat Fan? Great job!
        I actually have the Little Hillbillies on tape (it’s my Pastor Benny Montage tape) from their smash hit performance at the Woolworths Carols in the Domain Brought To You By The Telstra NextG Network. Talk about child labour. It’s KC at her shittest, some ole chervil wailin’ on the banjee, and a bunch of sugared-up whelps, each on an ill-tuned harmonica, tunelessly huffin’ their lil’ hearts out. Yee-haa. They’re no Prussian Blue, that’s fo’ sho.

        Like

        • poor lisa says:

          I have to say I LOVE a lot of country music, up to around the 1970’s, and done by southern Americans, but I don’t get how Australian country singers think it’s authentic to sing in accents and vernacular that aren’t even authentic to most Americans. Calling your dad Poppa? Calling your children hillbillies?

          (“The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain “hillbilly” characteristics. …
          Due to its strongly stereotypical connotations, the term is frequently considered derogatory, and so is usually offensive to those Americans of Ozarkan and Appalachian heritage. However, the term is also used in celebration of their culture by mountain people themselves. Such co-opting and neutralizing use is almost exclusively reserved for the mountain people themselves.”
          See also
          Cracker
          Hillbilly armor
          List of ethnic slurs
          Pikey
          Redneck
          Trailer trash
          Yokel
          source: wikipedia)

          Fuck off Australian country music.

          The Little Hillbillies make the Tin Lids look good.

          Like

        • Bento says:

          Wow – never thought I’d find another admirer of Prussian Blue’s work in these parts.

          Like

        • Natalia Fan #1 says:

          Defected a long time ago, as you very well know. Is the Benny Hinn montage tape the same as the Dr Phil montage tape? If not, you’ll have to show me next time we convene.

          Like

          • Pfortner says:

            It’s a different tape, 7 hours of Pastor Benny et al with a bunch of nuke footage, Farmer wants a Wife, etc cut in. Main project at the moment is a Fat people montage, Dance Your Ass Off etc..

            Like

      • shazza says:

        I wasn’t referring to her music Natalia Fan.

        Like

  5. poor lisa says:

    Beccy, Amber, Harmony… They sound like My Little Ponies.

    Like

  6. Ljuke says:

    I love country music. As long as it’s performed by Gram Parsons, Will Oldham, Johnny Cash or Jon Spencer. Oh, and The Gourds.

    Like

  7. Shreiking Wombat says:

    Mainly dead people?

    Like

  8. Shreiking Wombat says:

    Yes. I quite agree PL.

    Although Tammy did team up with KLF for Justified Ancients of Mu-Mu.

    Like

  9. skink says:

    I will only believe that this Rolls Royce belongs to a farmer if it has cowhorns on the front

    Like

  10. skink says:

    and here’s some proper country music

    Like

  11. skink says:

    try again…

    Like

  12. Gregoryno6 says:

    If God is in His Heaven tomorrow the Bundy Bear will show up to make John Williamson squeal like a pig.

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      Yeh, I am seein’ that.

      Bundy Bear turns up at the City Muster.
      Williamson croons, “Hey True Blue
      Bundy Bear replies, “get fucked you worthless cunt, can’t you see I am white, now bend over”

      Like

  13. Frank Calabrese says:

    Test – I posted this earlier but somehow it shows up then disappears. Re Shannon Noll- that song was written by Bryan Adams who inflicted the following.

    Like

  14. Frank Calabrese says:

    hmm, my original post showed up after all – TLA, can you delete the bottom one ?

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      Don’t worry Frank C, I get your point….. Shannon Noll, Bryan Adams, Sting, Rod Stewart should all be killed.

      No problem from my point of view

      Like

  15. Natalia Fan #1 says:

    A disappointingly low number of comments today, I must say. To atone for the absence of my sorely, surely needed guiding hand – the hand that grabs your horns and corrals y’all away from profligacy and sin – I append the following post.

    Many City Muster attendees profess communion in the Christian faith. This however is a claim that must be examined more closely. We best challenge supposed Christians on their own putative grounds, on the ground of Holy Scripture, to make ’em see the error of their ways. In this case, we require analysis of sinful Muster practices, which I propose to breakdown as follows:

    (1) Music
    (2) Drinking of alcohol
    (3) Utes
    (4) Fornication
    (5) Relations with animals

    With our hearts filled with the Lord, let us now address each of these in turn:

    (1) Music, as we all know, is of Satan. The King James Version of the bible makes this very clear, as when the Lord attributes to Satan “the workmanship of … tabrets and of … pipes” (Ezek 28:13). The elision of this phrase from more contemporary translations of the bible suggests the extent to which modern humankind, and even Christendom, is enthralled by radio, MTV, and the I-Pod. An all too convenient exclusion, non?
    Note 1: The I-Pod is the latest, and certainly end-times,
    development in this respect – i.e. when music becomes
    simply about I/me.
    Note 2: The teachings of the so-called Church of Satan,
    for instance, espouse individualism and self-indulgence;
    also the essence of late-stage (end-times) capitalism, of
    which the I-Pod must be seen as an integral part.
    Note 3: You are all damned on this account.

    (2) As Scripture attests, the righteous Christian tolerates alcohol whilst abhorring drunkenness. The worship and excessive imbibing of Bundaberg Rum (henceforth “Bundy”) will aid their cause no more than excessive supping on the Holy communion wine. Bundy is a sin against God; a drink that leads to sin and the consequences of sin: syphilis, gonorrhea, and death (“You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the Tent of Meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come” [Lev 10:9]).

    (3) Utility vehicles (henceforth “utes”) are the closest end-times equivalent to the chariot, the traditional vehicle of God. This suggests either of two things: one, that the ute is of God; or two, that the ute is built in mockery of all that is of God. Only one or two example are needed to prove that the latter is in fact the case (see note 4, image 1; and, in particular, image 2). Of further note here is the traditional Hebrew secrecy surrounding the first chapter of Ezekiel, known as the Merkabah (the chariot). Rabbis who pursued this forbidden text were characteristically “driven” to death, madness, or heresy. Need we expend more words in the denunciation of this utile sin?
    Note 4:
    http://www.citymuster.com.au/Photos/2008/Ash/IMG_3054.jpg;

    (4) “Fornication” refers to sex outside of the legal and Holy union of man and woman (1 Cor 6:18-20). There will be many at City Muster who respect the sanctity of this bond. Others, inflamed by unbecoming passions, will willingly degrade themselves, seeking exemption from this immortal law. Adulterers and fornicators beware, for the spirit-storm is coming (Ezek 1:4) to wipe away your sins. Unrepentant sinners shall likewise be blown away, like chaff in the wind (Ps 1:4).

    (5) Fornication, as we have seen, refers to extra-marital sex, where “marriage” refers to the union of man and woman only. Yet the notion of fornication is surely wider than the mere bodily or even spiritual abrogation by humans of such sacred bonds. Intoxicated by the Devilry of music and wine, attendees of the City Muster surely succumb to far less Holy trysts; to such animal lusts that the object of such lusts becomes the animals, the bush-pigs, with which they so frequently associate. Scripture is particularly forceful on this point: (Ex 22:19; Lev 18:23; Lev 20:15-16).

    Finally, I have worried deeply for you all – for your Eternal Salvation – on the basis of your constant and at times unseemly mockery. However, I once again find counsel in Scripture, which tells us that the prophet Elijah mocked Baal and his worshipers (1 Kings 18:27). So let us all be as Elijah, mocking the believers, unto the end of days.

    Like

  16. skink says:

    did anyone see Ben Elton on Stateline last night?

    he has broken his media silence to promote a Freo charity for homelessness (which of course, according toe Brer Abbott, is a lifestyle choice)

    he flipped me to Not Worst

    apart from the musicals, of course

    Like

    • shazza says:

      He is a groovy guy skink, agreed.
      Gimme Shelter was probably the charity you are referring to.
      In honour of our rooting rural friends here’s some old Elton.

      thttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ_f9nO3zwIo.

      Like

    • poor lisa says:

      Bah does this mean if Tim switched from saving dugongs to saving the homeless you would flip as well? Irrational hatred is a fickle thing for some.

      Like

    • Well thank god I didn’t see it. Would he shit me less supporting charity? Probably not. Probably saw himself in irrational hatreds and thought he better improve the image.

      Like

      • poor lisa says:

        I’m waiting for the celebrity who comes out and says they oppose charity on principle. Them I would follow. (only not including politicians as that would mean Tony Abbott.

        Like

        • skink says:

          I oppose charity for all issues that should be the responsibility of the government

          not only on political and ethical grounds, but also because I am a tightwad.

          this is why I disagree with sainthood being conferred on Mary Mackillop, rather than Shane Warne. What was the Gatting ball if it wasn’t a miracle?

          Like

          • shazza says:

            Praise the lord, someone else feels that way skink. I’m getting fed up with people sticking their hands out for cash everytime I visit the supermarket. I pay taxes people. Fuck off.

            Though I do admit to giving in with kids cancer stalls. I thrust as much as I can into their tins before scurrying off in tears. Stupid mummy hormones.

            Like

            • poor lisa says:

              I agree on all that and I too shazza succumb to magical thinking on kids’ illnesses. “If I don’t hand over a dollar, I’ll make something bad happen to my kids.”

              Interestingly, given that this thread is about bumpkins, dicussion of Belton has led us to a topic brushed upon in the other monster of bumpkin thread Inseminators 09, where the bumpkins defended the poster on the basis that the event raised funds for charity, the charities being ag schools and local shires.

              Like

              • skink says:

                and if we are having an uncharitable whinge…

                I hate those bastards from the SIDS charity that always ring me at home at the exact moment that I have put my fork into my dinner.

                last year the phone rang during dinner and someone with a heavy indian accent started talking without introduction

                I told him we don’t accept cold calls on our silent home number and hung up.

                He rang back. I told him I wasn’t interested in whatever he was selling and hung up.

                he rang back. I told him to fuck off and put the phone down

                he rang back again: “please, this is Gogo’s Curry House ringing to confirm your party booking for your wife’s birthday…”

                oops

                try the lamb chops, they’re bloody marvellous.

                Like

          • Gregoryno6 says:

            I got tired of donating to worthy causes and then having my donation come back to me in the form of begging letters. FOYC, I didn’t pull that $20 out of my wallet so you could buy A4 and envelopes.

            Like

          • CB One says:

            I’m not too sure if you’re taking the piss here. “Fuck the homeless, let them die. I think they’re the governments responsibility” Seems harsh – even for you.

            Like

            • shazza says:

              CB One, it’s a bit of a stretch to claim I said ‘fuck the homeless, let them die’. I said I am fed up with being pestered by charities when I’m going about my daily business.

              Having said that, I do give money that goes towards support and feeding of homeless people, via taxes.

              I spent many years working with the disenfranchised, homeless and mentally ill. So am well aware of the complex issues surrounding homelessness. And would never say ‘let them die’.

              Like

              • CB One says:

                I was intrigued by the “responsibility of the government” reason for not giving to charity, as I was struggling to think of a charity that couldn’t be argued as a short-coming of government.

                Probably a bit harsh on my point, but I do like making up quotes and attributing them to other people.

                Like

                • Pfortner says:

                  sure you do, just like HITLER!

                  Like

                • shazza says:

                  Isn’t it the responsibility of government to look after it’s citizens? Isn’t that why we pay tax, so the gov. has the cash to build hospitals, roads, schools, have a welfare safety net, homeless shelters etc etc?

                  It was a bit harsh, the sting in the tail was “even for you”. Ouch!

                  Like

                  • skink says:

                    I did notice Brer Abbott say yesterday in Parliament that McKillop ‘understood that the poor were not the responsibility of the government and so just rolled up her sleeves and got on with it’

                    Tony is clearly happy for Australia to return to a period where there was no state care, no public health system and no government schools.

                    Forwards to the nineteenth century

                    I think he wants to make Mary the Patron Saint of Private Outsourcing of Government Services

                    Like

                  • CB One says:

                    whoops! It was originally directed to skink – it was his original message I replied to. Must have hit the wrong message reply. You’re nothing but niceness shazza. That skink though…;-)

                    What governments are supposed to do and what they actually do are two different things, I think. And there is never enough money for everyone. What happens then? People do volunteer work and donate to charities in an effort to pick up the slack. It’s a personal thing in the end. I don’t really want to beef about it – was just curious.

                    Godwin’s Law in 5 steps. I guess this thread is dead…. I need to pick up my game and get it down to 1.

                    Like

                    • skink says:

                      hey, I don’t think I said ‘fuck the homeless’ either

                      I am just of the opinion, as Abbott showed yesterday, that charity allows the government to shirk its responsibilities where the old, sick, and disadvantaged are concerned.

                      The government doesn’t seem to have any problem in middle class welfare such as baby bonuses, private health fund rebates and subsidies for private schools.

                      socialism for the middle classes, capitalism for the poor.

                      I once climbed the three highest mountains in Britain within24 hours in aid of a brain injury charity that helped my sister, don’t don’t get all Chong on me about charity.

                      harumph

                      Like

                    • shazza says:

                      It’s an interesting question CB1. Something I grapple with. AS Iv’e also come to think some welfare agencies perpetuate the very problem they are claiming to alleviate.
                      Anyway as you say, it’s a personal thing.

                      Like

      • skink says:

        no doubt he did. They all change their ways when faced with the collective sanctimony of Twop

        I heard that Barra went on a diet and Nurry had the Cntl-V keys removed from his keyboard

        Like

  17. Frank Calabrese says:

    From 720’s Facebook page – be afraid – VERY afraid.

    720 ABC Perth – Afternoons You can hear John Williamson sing True Blue in the 720 studio today, also we want to know your most embarrassing fishing story. Mine involves a blue manna crab, a dash for freedom and an untimely end.

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/720-ABC-Perth-Afternoons/248104332750?ref=mf

    Like

    • Onanist says:

      I am not sure which is worst, that ABC show or Howard Sattler’s “Mad As Hell Monday”.

      Caller: “Errr Howard, there is a park in our street and it is watered every day”.

      Sattler: “Is it?”

      Caller “Yes, it is”

      Like

  18. Shreiking Wombat says:

    Sparkling dialogue. No wonder he’s had such a glittering career.

    Like

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