Claremont Crack Cleaner

Apart from a  pint of beer that cost $10, there was another worst in Claremont as I waited for my Chinese calligraphy class. This metrocentric bath. Or at least I think it is a bath. So this is how the Claremont crack is cleansed? Amazing. I would love to see the Claremont take on bucket bongs.  I believe these are also all the rage in Corrigin. claremont

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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88 Responses to Claremont Crack Cleaner

  1. For some reason this didn’t publish last night. It is an extraordinary glimpse into the world of the Claremontonian.


    • shazza says:

      Mr Shazza and I were in this very store but a few weeks ago. I boggled at the design also. Most uncomfortable I suspect.


    • skink says:

      we too visited that shop when renovating

      there was a bath carved from a solid block of marble.

      I asked the price, and when told I reflexively yelled “get the fuck outta here”, Eddie Murphy-style.

      even a soap dish was more than a hundred bucks.

      this bath appears to have no taps, nor a plug hole.

      that’s the problem with wank design, they forget the basics.

      where would you put the soap? don’t answer that.

      I can picture my kids treating this object as an indoor wet and wild skateboard ramp, with most of the water ending up on the floor


      • curious says:

        the tap is clearly visible to the right, as a separate item. i believe the holes across the bottom are for drainage.

        i like it, although i can imagine a claremontonian reclining in it whilst reading tim winton…


    • skink says:

      it apears to have some sort of kitty litter in the bottom

      do Claremont people shit in the bath?


      • shazza says:

        They are pebbles skink. Mini shazza was continually berated for playing with them.

        As someone who has a bath, installed by the previous wanker owner, that would be at home in this shop, I assure readers they are fucking impossible to lie back and relax in.


  2. monkeypants says:

    one would imagine of course that the bath is sold with some of this:


  3. David Cohen says:

    This is why you will never be a pencil-sucking gerbalist.

    You hint around the story, trying to be arty and evocative, instead of telling us the facts, like:

    Which store?

    How much?

    Who charged $10 for a beer?

    Where are the calligraphy classes and how much do they cost?

    God is in the details.


  4. Shop. Cant remember. On Stirling Hwy near Bay View. Didn’t have price tag viewable from window. I’d guess expensive. Why are you going to run a Post Story. “Decadent bath riles “real Aussies.”?

    The pub at the other end of Bay View chargen $10.

    Calligraphy, UWA extension via Confucius Institute. $199 including materials. Held at Lovely old building that used to be part of Edith Cowan. Also houses Taylor College.


    • David Cohen says:

      Surely the real story is eastern suburbs yokels are allowed to drink and paint in our leafy civilised bathing suburbs?

      Did you have to get a visa on your driver’s license when you emerged from Polly’s Pipe?


      • Claremont was as dead as a nun’s nightie.


        • B.T. says:

          Not even Captain Claremont around to enforce FOWF and make sure you left town?


        • margeryx says:

          I thought you were joking about the calligraphy class – that really does make you seem like a metrocentric twat of the first order.


            • pangy says:

              lookout its a newb.. I was thinking along the same lines as margeryx.. ya cant go on a spiel about the pretension of Claremont and then hint at your cultural superiority to everyone else through an advertisement of your interest in Chinese calligraphy. If only I could be as refined as you. I’d probably write ‘you’ instead of ‘ya’ for starters and use proper grammar instead of ellipsis…

              Is this blog some info-age attempt at an Ern Malley type literary hoax? I can’t find anything about said Perth comedian ‘Andrew Mcdonald’ anywhere. Yes I took the Fakes, Frauds and Fictions unit at Curtin in case you were wondering.

              Finally, why the fuck are you trying to flog ‘worst in Perth’ t shirts through this site? The policy clearly says this site has no commercial interests.


              • David Cohen says:

                Hear hear pangy: you’ll note he talks his Clare connections up – but doesn’t admit he lives about 25 suburbs east of Mount Lawley!

                I reckon he is as refined as white sugar.

                And I agree re the T-shirts: he should be like the ABC and have to not sell anything and instead bleed us hardworking taxpayers white.


              • Bento says:

                I second DFOC’s assessment – Pangy is bang on the money. It is essential these matters are addressed immediately, if this blog and TLA are to retain any credibility.

                1. All hobbies, cultural activities, and interests must immediately be abandoned by TLA. It is hypocritical to lampoon pretension, and then go and read books yourself.

                2. Immediate action to be taken by TLA to obtain Certified Practicing Comedian endorsement. Additional actions to increase Google ranking advised, also.

                3. TLA to address obvious hypocrisy in commercial activities. This must inevitably involve resigning from any paid employment (however paltry the remuneration) and burning all merchandise.

                I look forward to the new look TWOP – it sounds like it will be scintillating stuff.


                • Ljuke says:

                  Every now and then, a comment left by one of you guys makes me lose my shit while I sit at my desk, attracting stares from everyone in the office. Today, “It is hypocritical to lampoon pretension, and then go and read books yourself” has done it.

                  Champagne commenting.


                • Jeez, I’m invisible t Woogle search, but Perth’s worst anal comes straight here. What a world.


              • shazza says:

                Could you add some smiley faces and LOL’s next time if you are trying to be funny pangy?


              • O'Clammitty Klam says:

                Vibe on dued. I too am a new undercover lurker to the Vibraphone. Perhaps we can work thru this matter together. It all doesn’t make much grammatical sneese to me at the moment, but once a few of the LOLI have been arrested and the clear up rate improves ( and hence vibrancy) everything will be better. I think you may be able to find “Andrew McDonald” on Poogle.


  5. NVLII says:

    Next person who tries to charge me $10 for a pint of local beer, I’m glassing the cunt.


  6. Onanist says:

    My boss lives on Victoria Avenue in Claremont and his family bathes in this manner:


    • Ljuke says:

      Speaking of which, who has read this?

      WORD OF WARNING: the above story is not for the faint of heart. Since reading it, I feel as if my brain has been irrevocably changed. Once you have read that story, you cannot unread it. In fact, if you haven’t read it, I strongly suggest you don’t.


  7. ChaingeDaile says:

    Maybe this idea will sto $10 beers.,21598,26296984-5005369,00.html
    When Northbridge has a throbbing microbrewery scene, beer will go up to $21 a pint, with VBT (Vibrant Beer Tax).


  8. flynn says:

    it would be improved if the lower area housed a few gold fish or a couple of pet pythons instead.


    • ChaingeDaile says:

      Vibrant Access Grants are also in place in these breweries, to allow those from underprivelleged suburbs the chance to experience the throb.


  9. ronggly says:

    All this talk of ten-dollar thresholds makes me feel a lot better about being charged 21 dollars for three pints, at the Wembley Downs Golf Complex.


  10. Pingback: City Bumpkin Bash « The Worst of Perth

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