I wouldn’t piss on Mandurah if it was on fire…

Finally some media. And it’s not Teh West or La Chong  for a change.

Here I was at the Queens hotel, lathered in sex wipes and admiring the naff decor when I saw a piece by John Eales in Fin Review sports section. I believe he’s an ex rugby player. Since we don’t really have rugby here in Perth (and I include the Western Force in this) I don’t know which style he played. I remember telling New Zealand relatives that I didn’t see any difference between Rugby League and the real one, and they looked at me as though I couldn’t see the difference between golf and darts. Whatever. Darts players have tighter shorts right?

Anyway, I thought that sportsmen, not being trained in the art of the word are routinely given ghost writers so they don’t appear as total cockheads in their highly paid columns. As a journalist like Zoltan Kovacs might need a “Ghost kicker” if he had to play football rather than write “Is that english? Fucked if I know.” every week. But what has happened here? Eales or his ghostwriter seem to have been itching to label Italian women as hairy chimps for some time, but are unable to connect it with the rest of the story. John, if you have a ghost writer, ask for your money back. They’re making you look like a cockhead. What does it even mean? OK, you feel Italian women are excessively hairy, I understand that, but what about the rest? There are still plenty of hairs on what?

Let’s just set it out and get it all straight. Right, Mr Eales. You think that:

a) Italians, particularly their women are hairy, and monkey like.

b) Notwithstanding this, the current team are not hairy at all. (Except for the bloke in the Pav beard).

c) Notwithstanding THIS, there are still plenty of “hairs” on Italian rugby.

Ipso facto

d) This hairiness is not surprising because Italian players have often been fashionable.

Well fuck me with a Cingiali (wild boar) salami John, are these cunts hairy or not? You are sending out mixed messages on Italian rugby players vis a vis their hairiness.  I have to admit to being totally up in the air on this matter now.

John EalsCloser to home but still with the Oz,  from Fairfax, Jina spotted these Mandurah gems in the business pages of the weekend  paper. “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire” was a lovely quote, but I did like Mandurah being described as Perth’s answer to Venice. For those not in the know, Mandurah is actually Perth’s answer to a polished turd. Some may remember a recent TWOP trip to the canals, where Rolly Tasker attempted to show us some crack while gardening or even the incomprehensible and sinister burnt miniature village.

Most will not remember that Venice was indeed invoked when the canals were first advertised, prompting my T shirt design which I never get around to printing. The canal layout looks suspiciously like a section of large intestine.

Ah, now that felt better. A good media rant. I feel 5 kilos lighter.


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in worst journalist, worst newspaper and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to I wouldn’t piss on Mandurah if it was on fire…

  1. David Cohen says:


    Err, but I believe the Venice coverage is from Fairfax – the Weekend Financial Review.

    Lawyers are loving the fallout from the end of the boom. One person’s trash is another’s treasure!


  2. skink says:

    if only, like Venice, it was sinking into the sea

    I blame Rex Hunt.


  3. Snuff says:

    If we’re talking sport and fashion, TLA, then you can’t go past german soccer.


  4. BrownBook says:

    Peter Blakeley has stacked it on since “Crying in the Chapel” days


  5. Richarbl says:

    Referring to Mandurah as “Australia’s answer to Venice” is an even bigger stretch than the hilarious tourism campaign that marketed the Swat Valley in the North West Frontier Province of Pakistan as the “Switzerland of the East”.

    A piece of pure irony gold that has diminished somewhat since the Taliban did some renovations recently.


  6. margeryx says:

    Does this mean that King Street, Perth, is Australia’s answer to Rodeo Drive, Los Angeles?


  7. margeryx says:

    Hey I got my avatar thingy back, I missed it!


  8. bean says:

    Pedantic, but it’s “see Naples and die” not Venice.
    I like it applied to Mandurah nonetheless, more in a “Is this what my life has come to? May as well top myself” sort of way.


  9. jallenha says:

    No, no, no! Once again there is far more to the fine city than we realise.

    King St is actually the “Paris End”of Perth according to numerous real estate agents. Google it and see.


    Located on the 14th floor, this near new fully furnished two bedroom apartment is situated in an unparalleled city location.

    Known as the “Paris End” of Perth, you will find the boutique shopping of King Street, cafes, restaurants and bars all within walking distance from your front door.


  10. Pingback: Weekend Worstoff 62 « The Worst of Perth

  11. laurie robert says:

    Did you know MANDURAH IS FOR SALE the whole city complete with all councilors the CEO and the biggest MAYOR in Australia.The city has been for sale for over 12 months now still no offers yet.The council is due to meet to dicuss the possible Auction of the complete City which would include only 21 of the 28 Real Estate Agents and MIRVAC developments.The bonus being a 10 Billion Dollars worth of Commercial Property ,Penthouse units and 3 and 4 bedroom homes some on cannals.ALL this comes complete with only 55 Billion Dollars in mortages.


  12. looking back on this post. I appear to have been intoxicated while writing.


  13. Bill O'Slatter says:

    ……….most of the contributors were as well.


  14. Anonymous says:

    I should’ve had a drink before reading it.


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