Apple and Eve

Open letter to New Zealand apple producers. PLEASE devastate our local apple industry. West Australian apple producers and sellers are relying on bogus protectionism to continue serving up fifth rate apples to Perth consumers. We are begging for fantastic New Zealand apples in Perth, but we don’t get them why?
Our local apple producers export all the best of their crop, but because competition is banned, they can get away with dumping the dregs onto the local market.
Everyone understands that claims of disease in NZ apples are ridiculous and are only made because producers and sellers are aware that they couldn’t get away with selling shit ( or “shut” as they say here) if consumers were aware how good an apple should be. We admit it, the disease claims are fake.

Without exaggeration, many people in Perth will NEVER have tasted a really good apple. This is despite the fact that we grow apples only a few hours away.
Consumers would be completely in support of removing protection barriers if they had the chance to see what a real apple should taste like. Our local growers deserve to go out of business for the way they have treated the local consumers for so many years.
The worst new Zealand apple is equal to the best you can buy in a Perth supermarket. Literally.


And for those that are bored with my campaign against the wankers in Albany who send us all their shitty apples, here’s a New Zealand worst. An almost bucolic scene of a Sigma parked outside a Speights seller. Obviously there’s some breaking news about to happen in the sports bar. A valued member of the trans tasman journalistic community Outrage? The Kiwis may have good apples, but their mainstream beer is complete “pus” and or “shut”. Two worsts in one pic, Hanmer Springs. About to hit the sauna. Seeing if I can beat the 80 degree mark.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in *Worst of New Zealand, worst car, worst food and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Apple and Eve

  1. Thomo says:

    Don’t be too harsh. During the 2007 Cricket world cup final this was the only place in Hanmer Springs showing the game, at 6am, as there was an Aussie working behind the bar. And they served me brekky early and were not fazed when I used up a table watching the cricket when the tourists started filling up the place hours later.

    Like

    • I heard kiwis laughing, so I assume Australia doing badly in Ashes. Please tell me that that hideous cunt Ponting is out. He makes me feel I’ll.,

      Like

      • Juffy says:

        For 9, no less. The TV coverage followed up his dismissal with a well-placed ad of Sir Ricky extolling the virtues of one overpriced drug or another, claiming it helps him perform better….

        Like

      • Bag O'Turnips says:

        …makes me feel I’ll…wanna glass the cunt.

        I want to meet the bouncer from Beefsteak And Bourbon who turfed Tricky Poontang out all those years ago and tell them most sincerely what a legend they are.

        Like

  2. I was trying to include the patches of snow on the mountains in that pic, but the jour no was staring at me and this affected my aim.

    Like

  3. skink says:

    Paul Murray back on the radio
    Troy Buswell back in the cabinet
    Oprah Winfrey giving out Kailis pearl necklaces
    Ponting and Clarke flailing about outside off stump at the WACA
    drowned boat people being airlifted into Perth
    and Dennis Lillee talking vibrancy

    Perth is at the centre of a perfect storm of Worst at this exact moment,
    and you’re talking about apples

    did you jump the shark on the way to New Zealand?

    Like

    • I’m glad I’m here then. Just got out of 80 degree sauna, sat in thermal pool in the rain looking at patches of snow on mt Doom. Lovely. The fact that the sulfurous hot pool smelt like the fart of someone who’d sunk a carton of Speights washed down with a pallet of barbecue shapes was neither her nor there.

      Like

      • E.V. says:

        When the Kiwis start complaining about all their good apples getting exported to Australia, leaving them with the dregs, perhaps we can sell some of our finest Donnybrook apples to NZ, or are we already doing that?

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        • We export to eastern states, a market that would also collapse if kiwi apples imported. Hopefully those cunts in Albany might start sending a few crisp ones our way if they don’t have an export market. Wankers.

          Like

  4. Bartender's Skills with a Manhatten says:

    Re: apples — NY State is a major producer of apples for North America and the Hudson River Valley was the first place where they were cultivated (thus “The Big Apple” for New York). We can buy excellent apples, though. Are there no farmstand/farmer’s market options in the Perth area? Granted, also, it occurs to me that our colder climate may make storage issues easier.

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    • You can drive to Albany, which is a different proposition (and pronunciation) than US version. The thing is that the export price is higher, so few good apples end up in Perth. Farmers markets here tend to sell stuff that can’t be sold in supermarkets, such as fruit that has been pecked by birds. And I dont see why you should have to seek out some crackpot shop or drive to hillbilly country. Why shouldn’t there be anything good in the main shops like here in NZ?

      Like

      • Bartender's Skills with a Manhatten says:

        “You can drive to Albany, which is a different proposition (and pronunciation) than US version.”

        Er…do I win or do I lose?

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        • Is Albany the sort of place Thurston Howell would go?

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          • Bartender's Skills with a Manhatten says:

            The millionaire or the rap star?

            Albany, NY, was designed by Count Dracula and Darth Vader, who both got drunk one night, each boasting that he could come up with the scariest building. Thus the vast Death Star/Haunted Mansion mishmash that comprises downtown:

            The populace were indeed terrified and fled screaming to the hills, leaving the city inhabited by the one form of life that not even renegade Jedis and vampires can defeat: politicians.

            Good art museum, though.

            Like

  5. Russell Woolf's Lovechild says:

    Thank goodness we still have the WA Potato Marketing Board so the State government can tell people what and how many potatoes to grow. Can now get at least 4 types of mediocre, expensive potatoes. Thanks Colin and your Liberal government. No potato anarchy in the State of Excitement.

    Like

  6. Hey Lazy Aussie – Have just realized that you didn’t you didn’t log out after staying with me. Now I am you. Oh the power!! Ahhhahahahahahahaha….. am logging out now, too much pressure.

    Like

  7. Ljuke says:

    I feel as though we are trapped in some kind of apple Matrix. Quick everyone, swallow the red delicious.

    Like

  8. Ljuke says:

    It’s giving me asigmatism.

    Like

  9. The Legend 101 says:

    The food at consents is so expensive i mean it like $8.00 for a tiny box of chips its ridiculous and the foods diggusting anyway.

    Like

  10. I had some China apples when over there. Just as bad as perth apples, but if they can supply bad apples at half the cost WA rurotardians can supply bad apples, then I’m still all for it.

    Like

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