How to buy a shredder

This is from Hokusan, seen at Officeworks in Melbourne, but there’s still time to catch a flight over for the shredder buying course. Officeworks Carlisle might even hold a masterclass here if the numbers are solid. And while we’re in Melbourne, a baffling and bad picture in Yarraville from Meccano.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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74 Responses to How to buy a shredder

  1. Bag O'Turnips says:

    If Burkie, or any party political apparatchik with experience cleaning out the files of an MHR voted out of office is going to be their guest speaker, I’d go. Only if funds permitted, though; maybe I could prevail upon their connections to fly me over to Melbourne for this informative event.


  2. Bag O'Turnips says:

    As for the bottom illustration, is that an illustration as to how to correctly stop a train in the Western Suburbs of Melbourne? I know it can be a bit rough in parts out there…


  3. shazza says:

    There are many vexing issues to be considered when it comes to purchasing the correct shredder. After determining which type, manual (the Bob Brown model) versus electric (the Troy Buswell model), there’s the question of how many pages at a time can the shredder handle. Noise level. Space restrictions. Left handed or right handed. Colour for the fashion minded. Easily storage, or hidability, should the Feds come a knockin.
    I congratulate Officeworks for taking on this highly complex and challenging topic.

    And I 2nd Turnips. Burke for WA Masterclasses.


    • I think he would favour one of those Vermeer tree mulchers.


      • Bag O'Turnips says:

        Perhaps, but a compact model that can be concealed in someone’s garage. And hope that they have a slow combustion stove to serve as a handy incinerator, after pressing the shredded paper trail into paper logs. Great to keep the house warm, as well as destroy any, ahem, alleged evidence! Win-win.


        • Russell Woolf's Lovechild says:

          I think Western Women’s Robin Greenburg will be taking the class on incineration. Main points will be no 44 gallon drums and ensure all records are shredded outside Perth’s fire season. Another fine piece of affirmative action from Premier Carmen Lawrence.


    • Bill O'Slatter says:

      It could get worse Shazz, as you mention , but at least you need Tax Office advice on what to shred and not to shred. Is shredding effective? How do those documents fit into the whole document trail ?I hope the lesson also goes over the pros and cons of shredding v burning i,e, have the Feds got enough staff to paste the document(s) back together and when to shred e.g. is just prior to tax time optimal ?
      What to do in the worst case scenario: you shred your fake book of accounts.
      Now backing up to an external device is a deep and complex question , similar to shredding, except that your hard drive may automagically decide on a random document(s) shredding.


  4. skink says:

    I have the pleasure of working in an office containing half a dozen South Africans and one gentleman who insists on calling himself Rhodesian, so I appreciated your Bryce Courtenay tweet.

    I thought that what Courtenay said about Peter Carey was funny, although not so much that it made me want to read one of his books.

    there’s a man that needs a shredder


  5. Mikaela says:

    I was backing up with an external hard drive as I opened up TWOP this morning. Now I am worried that I needed to do something more than just plugging it in.


  6. WAtching says:

    TLA: This is OT but here goes.

    Do you happen to know the location of any “miracle Maos” in China? You know, just like the Jesus ones- a staue crying, the image of Mao in some burnt toast or a roast duck.

    A friend wants to see some…


  7. Bedlam says:

    Just a word of explanation of these two otherwise baffling examples.

    Firstly, having been shanghaid by my boss into sourcing a $15,000 shredder, I can tell you they’re not as obvious as you think. For a start there’s straight vs cross-cut and there’s various capacity issues. But I can’t see how anyone buying one from Officeworks would give a toss about any of that.

    Secondly, that fine piece of urban art is depicting a gentleman playing trugo. Kind of like croquet but played with a sledgehammer and massive rubber ring. I think there are about 5 miserable bastards, all octogenarians, who still play it.


  8. Cookster says:

    Ahhhh, Yarraville – in my beloved Melbourne with its beloved daylight saving. Indeed Bedlam, trugo is alive and well in the Greek heartland of Yarraville where I lived for eight years.

    I remember when that piece of art went up. It was around the same time that a film crew had transformed the town centre overnight by transforming all the shop and street facades to make it look like some hunting town in mid-western USA… complete with billboards, street signage etc. Problem was, I walked into the village after a largish night out and thought I had done something to my brain.

    Great place to live though and some great characters, like the ‘Rosary Man’ who wanders the streets playing with his rosary beads all day. Also has two supermarkets in the main street, right next to each other.


    • And those supermarkets would have reasonable opening hours? Is THAT your next Wanjina piece theme. Cmon, it’s the foreshore isn’t it?


      • orbea says:

        footy stadium


      • Cookster says:

        Foreshore it is, just for you. However, the stadium is going to be right up there, along with extended trading hours. Did I mention roster petrol stations yet TLA?


        • I knew it. At least I had enough self respect to turn down a Wanjina invite. Why would I do unpaid rantings on someone else’s website?


        • Grrr says:

          I thought you were having a lend about re-introducing the roster system.
          You were, right.

          I mean, I can see how it would be great for people with young families, and how it would make Perth a more righteous city under God (or G-d, if we extend the plan to Saturdays), but not even Perth is that backwards, is it?

          What’s next? Chopping the Freeway of at Marmion (or getting rid of it completely)? Restricting TV operating hours from 10.30am-12pm? Closing down the Fremantle and Clarkson/Joondalup line? Rationing?

          We could really take Perth back to the ’40s.


          • Bag O'Turnips says:

            We’ve got Barnett Rubble doing just that right now.

            Mind you, I’d be all in favour of TV stations closing after midnight: not only do I prefer to find out who wins the naughts and crosses game (I’ve got $20 riding on the clown), but yer might actually learn something moderately useful, like how to calibrate your telly to get the best picture. And besides, it’d fuck up the sex chat lines and infomercial industries in one fell swoop.

            Surely five or six hours of test pattern and static are better than almost all the dross that populates the graveyard shift currently, hmm?


            • Jaidyn-Jaxxon says:

              as someone who routinely tapes/splices the graveyard feed I would have to protest. The Sunday morning christians are particularly choice.


              • Bag O'Turnips says:

                J-J, that’s a bit masochistic, isn’t it? I couldn’t even stomach that sort of fervent literalist preaching, much less at some, forgive the pun, ungodly hour.


          • WAtching says:

            No Grrr.

            That was the eighties and we only just left them.


  9. richarbl says:

    Kevin Rudd is a prime candidate for that course. His office shredder will be completely worn out after chewing its way through the Henry Tax Review and all documents relating to the RSPT.


  10. Perineum says:

    I’d imagine the “How to Buy a Shredder” class at OfficeWorks would be a brief one, consisting of:
    A) approaching a young lady named Sharlene, who would be busy filing her nails, and saying, ‘I’d like to know how to buy a shredder:’ and
    B) being told, ‘go see the knobhead with the orange tie.’


  11. Perineum says:


    Maybe, but Sharlene hates being called ‘toots’ and she’d throw a withering look at your back as you headed off with some uncertainty down the paperclips aisle looking for ‘knobhead.’


  12. Cobbler says:

    After buying your shredder, be careful when using.


    • Shreiking Wombat says:

      I thought for a moment that must have been the result of a horrible masturbation accident.


      • Bag O'Turnips says:

        I wonder if that’s on the instruction manual inside the pack, under “things NOT to be inserted into the paper shredder”? I’m certain hands are not the only thing on that list…


  13. Ljuke says:

    Oh right, a paper shredder.

    I thought…


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