9 forces Driving Vibrancy

I was seething with rage that I was only at number two for google searches on Perth vibrancy. Until I read the effort from the Chamber of Commerce and Industry. I’m sorry, I can’t compete with this. They win. There is page after page of this bilge. It goes beyond Future Perthing. Beyond Thunderdome. Beyond the Valley of The Dolls I think I’d rather have the moronic assertion by Tourism Minister Constable that The Hopman Cup IS Perth Vibrancy. I don’t know what vibrancy is, but they don’t got it. 9 forces of vibrancy sounds like Gramsci’s 3 spheres of hegemony. Hegemony by thought, hegemony by deed…

Note. Another attempt at Perth Vibrancy will also be attempted by Pica, who tell me that artists will be having a car boot sale at the home of Teh Vibrancy the Cultural Centre. Pica however just don’t GET vibrancy like the Chamber of Commerce. Who could argue with the following?

The discussion paper lays out a series of important measurements to assess the effectiveness of any policy recommendations. These economic measurements attempt to gauge changes in Perth’s vibrancy rather than directly measure it. These economic measures are followed by a discussion of the barriers that prohibit the development of Perth’s vibrancy, identified by both CCI’s policy agenda (which reflects the concerns and priorities of WA business), and through community input. Addressing the key policy challenges identified by CCI represents a critical way in which the vibrancy of Perth and liveability of the regions can be addressed. The community input, facilitated via a FORM Contemporary Craft and Design petition, involved almost 2,700 comments from individuals concerned about Perth’s vibrancy.1 Analysis of this petition identifies what the community perceives to be the major challenges, and some potential solutions, to Perth’s vibrancy. The major issue confronting regional WA is not vibrancy, but having sufficient access to infrastructure and services to establish sustainable liveable communities in the face of significant levels of investment in the resources sector…

The final section of this discussion paper considers the issue of vibrancy within the context of a framework (discussed in the Appendix to this discussion paper) and sets out a series of solutions to enable improvement in the vibrancy of Perth.

Establish vibrancy centres: Perth should actively encourage clusters of activity, or vibrancy centres…


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in Uncategorisable Worsts and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

145 Responses to 9 forces Driving Vibrancy

  1. monkeypants says:

    dear TLA,

    i might not be able to visit your site anymore as that CCI bollocks has forced me to consider gouging my own eyes out.

    yours in complete lack of vibrancy

    monkeypants xxx


  2. Paracleet says:

    Well, at the very least the document will assist in the process of helping identify those people who need to be lined up against the wall when the revolution comes.


  3. monkeypants says:

    vi·brant (vbrnt)
    a. Pulsing or throbbing with energy or activity:
    the vibrant streets of a big city.
    b. Vigorous, lively, and vital:
    “a vibrant group that challenged the . . . system” (Philip Taubman).

    vibran·cy, vibrance n.


    just to clear up any confusion


  4. orbea says:

    vibe rant – a verbose and angry ivory dildo?


  5. flynn says:

    i drive vibrantly or is it just the car needing a wheel balance?


  6. Bento says:

    These economic measurements attempt to gauge changes in Perth’s vibrancy rather than directly measure it.

    Most readers will be unaware the official unit of measurement of vibrancy is the Tapas (Tp). A Tp is defined as:

    Total length of laneway, multiplied by number of small bars, divided by the diameter of the city’s ferris wheel plus the area in m2 of the city’s public piazza.

    It is expressed as a ratio in terms of comparibility to Melbourne. Eg: Wolf Lane is a 0.7Tp locality. Wright Street, Belmont is a 0.0001Tp locality. Federation Square is a 1Tp locality.


    • flynn says:

      at least Melbourne’s ferris wheel had the good sense to die of embarrassment before it really got started. That and a heat wave.


    • skink says:

      when did the Tapas replace the Latte as the official unit of vibrancy?

      confound that blasted metric system

      I blame the Europeans


      • curious says:

        i believe that the latte is the unit of revitalization.


        • ljuke says:

          Yes, but they convert. I believe 1 Tapas = 3.14 Lattes.


          • shazza says:

            Depending on how far back you want to go Ljuke. Prior to the 90’s it was –
            4 nori rolls = 1 cappucino.


            • skink says:

              I believe that the Nori Roll went the same way as the Dim Sum, it was greatly devalued during the Asian Vibrancy Crisis of the late nineties.

              similarly, once the Italians joined the Single European Vibrancy system both the Latte and the Cappucino fell from usage at the same time that pavement tables were considered passe’

              Spanish units are similarly being put under pressure by the Spanish joining the European System, such that the Albindingas is now virtually worthless.

              I am investing all my spare vibrancy in gourmet burgers.


          • Pfortner says:

            I believe you’ll find the value of a tapas or number thereof undergoes an exponential increase when modulated against the Burlesque Index Graph (BIG).


  7. flynn says:

    Wont they need a permit for those vibrancy clusters?


    • Juffy says:

      No no, the government will declare that tourism precincts can host vibrancy clusters without a permit. Until 9pm, anyway.

      And since a vibrant place presumably attracts tourists, and is therefore a tourism precinct, if you establish a vibrancy cluster in a non-tourism precinct, it becomes vibrant by definition, therefore is a tourism precinct, and subsequently the shops can open later.

      Barnett’s secret plan: shopping hours by stealth vibrancy.


  8. curious says:

    i look forward to the typically vibrant cci representative to talk about this.


  9. skink says:

    the PICA car boot sale is great

    if you can’t support local artists by buying ther art, you can at least stop them from starving by buying their junk

    I want that foosball table in the photo


  10. G'day from WA says:

    Why isn’t this an uncatetorisable worst? Sure looks like one to me.


  11. skink says:

    Buzz Quotient Quadrant?

    Buzz fucking Quotient Quadrant?

    if you don’t know what that is, you’ll need to ask the Buzz Quotient Quadrant Question.

    and don’t get into an argument about it, or it would be a Buzz Quotient Quadrant Question Quarrel.

    which would need to be decided by committee, in which case you’ll need a Buzz Quotient Quadrant Question Quarrel Quorum

    and if tweetle beetles battle in a puddle in a bottle…


  12. shazza says:

    Where’s my fucking Vim!


  13. NVL_II says:

    Fuck small bars, if we could all just street drink legally this city would be vibrant out the yin yang. It wouldn’t cost anything either. CoP doesn’t really want vibrancy, they want Perth to be Melbourne. IE – they have no fucking idea what they actually want.

    CCI – nobody is actually serious about anything but making it through the day working in such a shit workaplace.

    I was a former contractor at CCI for nine months – fuck me its a genuinely old school boys club. I watched an ENTIRE department get out-sourced, as it was the only way to get rid of a woman who had started to break through the glass ceiling.

    May I add, fuck you CCI, you suck.


    • shazza says:

      I really like the small bar concept. For two primary reasons,
      1) Good wine lists.
      2) No yoof.

      But I did appreciate the dirt on the CCI, the fuckers.


      • poor lisa says:

        I’m surprised anyone would be surprised that the CCI is a genuinely old school boys club and a bunch of fuckers.

        I can’t even begin to comment on this astounding document and the way it grinds the word ‘vibrancy’ into a fine powder with relentless management-speak. But do have to comment that I love the non stop statements that WA needs to attract more people and workers, from an organisation whose sole reason for existence is to advocate reducing stamping out wage growth and reducing the market-determined wages & conditions of workers through legislation. Yes they’re fuckers.


  14. phreestyle says:

    It’s obvious we need another licence plate solution. Those ‘State of Excitement’ plates always made me feel so proud.

    Now we need ‘WA: The Vibrant State’. That’ll solve the problem.


  15. phreestyle says:

    I thought you were joking and then I searched for ‘The Smart State’.

    Fuck me. It’s a national disease.


  16. I’m visiting the vibrancy catchment area of Claremont tonight for my first chinese calligraphy class. I’m going early to see if I can find some worsts – apart from my brushwork.


    • CB One says:

      Chinese calligraphy over the vibrant opening of the very vibrant Northbridge Piazza?

      You’ll be missing a great night. It is going to be hell vibrant.


  17. 13th Oyster says:

    So what are the “economic measurements attempt to gauge changes in Perth’s vibrancy”? Sales figures for anti-depressants and Tim Winton novels?


    • skink says:

      Vibrancy can be measured with a Polytec PSV-400 three dimensional Scanning Vibro-Meter.

      we have one right now directed at Colon Bayonet’s head, and it is flat-lining


    • phreestyle says:

      These scanners should be installed at all entry and exit points to WA. Any person exporting vibrancy out of the state must be forced to relinquish any excess.


  18. B.T. says:

    You’re not using the right tool for the job.

    I’d spec a displacement probe for that application… http://www.vibro-meter.com/aerospace/displacement.html


  19. Klam O'Clamitty says:

    Vibe in ,vibe on an vibe out fo the vibe news ,fo schnizzle ma Nietszchell , listen up Taser Hos and Homies, yo too uppity. The K’OKStar Perth’s leading futurer is crankin daddio
    My new word fo the internet is the Vibraphone, I’m sure it will catch on.
    CUNPI at Curiousiversity’s Vibemeister Centre (The Vibe Centre of Perth!) has several new items in the police vibracy policy pipeline: New! New! New!
    • The Vibraphone 24/7/ keyboard monkeying,crackpot and ancient drug deals surveillance squad has imminent arrests
    • The application to the State Nomenclature Department (SND) has been approved and the B spot (William St Maccas) has been upgraded to the BL spot (covering both bag ladies and bald headed loons) Needless to say this has had no effect on the unabated and untreated psychoses there.
    • The Vibrancy arrester squad continues its good work around Fort Carlton (FC). In our day you got pissed, golden showered , laid a fat steamer on a hot chix, vomited on a random bystander all by one o’clock but these bastards want to continue the whole shemozzle till six .We’ll form a staring committee, gather in a circle and have a look at it. Then we’ll run through it or maybe even over it and decide that FC needs to be closed by 1:30 A.M. We’ll keep you in the loop as long as you’re not a loop.
    • The Good, good vibrinations (cue theremin) Rock Fest up drug free event sponsored by Quokka lite bitter for the yooves. Air Supply, Cold Chisel and Jethro Tull (“Hey Aqualung “is the BL spot anthem) are reforming to get along to that one.
    • In the too hard vibed out AFP basket “Tatts” Mercanti. I just hope the right one hasn’t “Finks” and the left one “MC” or even “Finks” in a ring. Talk about identifying marks.
    • Poogle it , the new Police vibraphone search engine. It’ll be on everybody’s lips just like how to be a Perthenarian A-Lister.
    • We expect to meet the shortfall by a massive increase in speed cameras or vibameras; it’s all up before the SND. I’m also giving the call out to the Western suburbs to donate any unused Porsches, Aston Martins (any “Top gear” gear ) or even a souped up Light burn Zeta to the police.
    Anyway, enough of this shit, I’m out of here, to have a few squirts with The Buzz. “Mr Stinky WorkChoices”: He’s a winner with that one ……not, (lolz) but it has to be said that he’s had his nose to the grindstone lately. if we can’t get a compromising situation out of the Buzzster I’m not worth me weight in horse shit, but that’s a topic for another PhD.
    Also If Col’n was alive today, he’d wear pants occasionally I just know it.


  20. Frank Calabrese says:

    Speaking of Vibrancy, those fun loving Greens are really practising it in sleepy old Willagee :-)



  21. mandible claw says:

    Vibrancy (n): the quality of being vibrant.

    I’m sure if the CCI wanted to locate things that are vibrant they could find them here


  22. Rolly says:

    For the CCI good vibrations emanate only from the “…slurp, slurp into the barrels” (the music that excels) accompanied by the “ching” of the tills and the rustle of the banknote counting machines.

    Most of them are as remote from reality as “Free to Air” TV is from fact.


  23. phreestyle says:

    Last night the Northbridge piazza opening rated about 2.2 on the vibrancy scale.

    COP need to get the technical issues sorted before inviting people and groups to perform. And, where was the free piss?


  24. skink says:

    from Crikey’s Leader today:

    “Former WA premier Alan Carpenter joining Wesfarmers as its chief spinner and lobbyist is, in a word, a disgrace.

    You can bet Carpenter won’t earn his keep at Wesfarmers writing press releases. His job will be to lobby the State and Federal Governments. As the full-time employee of Wesfarmers, he won’t even have to go on any Lobbyist Registers.

    For the former Premier who complained that Brian Burke was able to get his phone number, it’s the height of hypocrisy.

    The only difference between Burke and Carpenter’s roles is that Carpenter will be working exclusively for one company, while Burke had his shingle out for anyone who would hire him.”


    • No time for your pic Skink, but you may have seen the twitter feed

      Alan Carpenter vows to “avoid eye contact” and “walk the other way as if he has something to do” as he joins Bunnings/Wesfarmers board.


    • Bill O'Slatter says:

      Carpenter’s move to Wesfarmers negates any talk that Carpenter ever made about Burke’s baleful infleunce on the Labor party.He is now in the same position as Burke . All Carpenter’s political decisions will now be viewed through the lens of his career outside of politics. The people of WA have once more been served ( up) by the self serving. In fact Carpenter will be a more powerful lobbyist than Burke because of the size of Wesfarmers.


      • Frank Calabrese says:

        But the difference is that Burke had the likes of Malborough & Archer by the Kahunas and when he said jump, they replied “How High”.

        Carpenter’s performance will be judged on how how the current ALP Leadrship deal with his approaches etc.


        • Bill O'Slatter says:

          We now have a reasonable explanation for Carpenter’s previously thought stupid decision to go for an early election.How will the Labor party handle it ? With Dripper in charge very badly.


          • Frank Calabrese says:

            Hate to disappoint you Bill, but according to my sources Eric may decide to follow Carps lead and seek a life outside of politics.


  25. It’s true that Carps won’t be able to use any influence on factionals, but he could threaten to lobby for them if they don’t comply.


  26. Sandy Balls says:

    I’d like to get this discussion back around to the notion of throbbing as opposed to vibrant. I think ‘throbbing’ could just be the concept to bring Perth into the 21st century – if only 10 years later than the rest of the world (apart from the Middle East, which still has a few centuries to go yet).

    Ah yes… I can see it now: “Perth – It Throbs!”. We could have the irrepressible Patti Chong in a beach setting – “So where the throbbing hell are you?” If Patti’s not available I’m sure her twin Lee Lin Chin would step up to bat for WA.

    I need to get onto CCI straight away – their vibrancy could get us all killed! This town needs a good throbbing and I’m going to see Perth gets it…


    • monkeypants says:

      a branding masterstroke to be sure sandy balls. I can see TLA’s t-shirts already!


      • Sandy Balls says:

        Thank you Mr/s Pants – I’m actually getting a minor throbbing in the nether zone just thinking about it… It’s a matter of standing erect and moving forwards, backwards, forwards from where I stand and nothing will stop the momentum of getting Perth a-throbbin’ like the best of them.

        …Just off to the loo – got a little something to offload.


  27. ChaingeDaile says:


    This will aurely add much needed TLP to the CBD. GJAR.


    • Bento says:

      Well, you can’t deny it ties in with the architecture of the Perth Arena.

      That’s a 0.8Tp hotel, right there.


      • curious says:

        activation – a concept seriously missing from this site.


      • ChaingeDaile says:

        “It is basically trying to modernise this part of town and provide things particularly for the younger professionals who work in the CBD,” he said

        In addition to the two new towers, almost one third of the area will be dedicated to public space such as wide boulevards, public squares, alfresco areas, shade and public art.”

        Yes, cause there just isn’t ENOUGH public art for those poor younger professionals in the CBD.


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