Crisco Inferno

Other worst business.


Tod Johnston for me falls into the same category as Adrian Barich. A decent enough bloke who’s out and about doing lots of stuff. Yes the stuff he does is usually terrible, but he’s doing it. His blog however is so bad that it does deserve its own post. His spelling is worse than mine, the design is beyond terrible, and he goes all half arsed on our arses on several topics.


Also, news just in that Julie “The Frying Pan” Bishop has been demoted. The smartest dumbarse in politics no longer the shadow moneybags.


A reader asks, “What the fuck happened to the Beaufort Street Bloggers? It should be condemned as a worst that they get a great blog going and then stop posting before they reach the end of the street!” yes, reader, so true. the front page comes up blank for me. Has the credit crunch hit these formerly cashed up weekly diners?.


Speaking of restaurants, the Cookster was supposed to be posting the Cohen rant that helped earn The Rose and Crown a shit review from Broadfield in The West, which probably cost the place thousands of dollars in cancellations. Wherefore art the wince-words  Cookster?

There is a hilarious review from Broaders in Sat’s rag, which gives C restaurant the panning of a lifetime. He even takes one of the scallops away to be analysed! If you can view a free copy of the weekend paper, it’s very funny.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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79 Responses to Crisco Inferno

  1. skink says:

    I was talking about La Fou over the weekend, and someone said:

    “how bright can Bishop be? she sleeps with Peter Natrass for feck’s sake. That’s all you need to know about her. Eeeeew.”


  2. skink says:

    ‘comfortably knumb’

    genius, Tod


  3. Rolly says:

    Ms. Bishop has, over a protracted period, demonstrated a profound lack of connection with the realities of this world.
    She has a strong following of like minded folk.

    And between Natrass and a mattress too!


  4. Vic Demised says:

    He pulled out his speculum and looked into her soul.


  5. poor lisa says:

    Wooh being allowed inside Tod’s head is kind of like watching Eraserhead.

    So it has a silent b, why not add a silent k as well. Knumbscull.


  6. Snuff says:

    Classic Yes Minister. One day, full support and confidence of your leader, same day … history.

    Nice touch by Julia to warn her not to let the door smack her arse on the way out.


  7. My Ning says:

    He pulled out his speculum and liked what he saw (stolen from TH, but I couldn’t resist)


  8. skink says:

    re the review of C Restaurant

    much as I enjoyed it, and nobody enjoys a godd spray as much as me, could someone ask Mr Broadfield to stop trying so hard to be AA Gill and find his own voice?

    it displays that annoying habit of Perth journos to assume that nobody reads anything from outside the state.

    and don’t tell me it’s a ‘homage’

    homage fromage


  9. C’mon, taking the scallop away to be analysed was good no?


  10. It is patently obvious what has happened to the Beaufort Street Bloggers. They’ve imploded after eating at a worst of Beaufort Street (and Perth, for that matter), Sienas. Last post before the blankness of death.

    Their anonymity was also doing my head in. There cannot be THAT many lawyers of a certain age in North Perth, surely.. although it does seem that the North Perth is a bit of a refuge for young lawyers – the Comfort Zone(tm) is obviously now only within reach of plumbers and miners.


  11. Cookster says:

    I have to say, Mr Broadfield’s reviews are fast becoming my favourite Saturday toilet reading material and yes, this week’s column had the small room echoing with chuckles.

    The reference to Toto’s Africa was admirable and the scallop testing simply sublime. I want a photo of that scallop. Can’t someone find one in a bus shelter on Beaufort Street???

    TLA, yes, I have the wince-making review in full, however, my lawyers are still at odds over a few points.

    Bashing the Bishop – not long after she was boned I received an email saying that JulieBishop was following me on twitter. Hmmm.


  12. re: “TLA, yes, I have the wince-making review in full, however, my lawyers are still at odds over a few points.”

    Does the stylesheet say “buk, buk” for chicken, or “pwuk pwuk”?


  13. Apart from “the blonde” I didn’t really find it that similar. Gill’s reviews are usually about Gill. Broadfield has a more standard review technique.


  14. In search results today. Lisa Scaffidi naked, and Weld Club fees. Coincidence? I think not.


  15. skink says:

    “Broadfield has a more standard review technique”

    agreed, that ‘cos it’s The West

    Broadfield is about as ‘out there’ as they get, but credit to him for pushing the envelope.

    at what point does a bad review become bullying?


  16. poor lisa says:

    Well something in the west actually made me laugh & not with despair. Even just saying that he had the scallop analysed was a superb move, whether he did it or not. I wonder how valentine’s cancellations went. I just showed it to someone who has (had) a booking for lunch next saturday.

    The Little Cloud molecular gastronomy feud that he started is still running I think, judging from quite recent puff pieces from the restauranteur & his mum who funds the place appearing in the western suburbs papers.


  17. js says:

    Classic Yes Minister. One day, full support and confidence of your leader, same day … history.

    the only thing more damning is 110% support.


  18. Cookster says:

    I always like to tune in to Malcolm’s facebook page for these announcements and throw a few spanners into the works. A simple ‘bash the Bishop’ worked splendidly.


  19. smiths says:

    attended Chick Corea and John McLaughlin last night at kings park, encouraged on ticket to bring rug and picnic
    had our bottle of wine and water taken from us at the gate as did hundreds of others,
    once inside came across bar selling watershed wines for three times their real value,
    no eftpos facilities

    classic perth i reckon

    needless to say most people were pretty shat off

    and i will never buy a bottle of watershed wine again and will encourage everyone i ever meet to do likewise


  20. David Cohen says:

    smiths…the Post is here for your Western suburbs issues…

    why not give me a call if you need the press to look into this matter?

    Cookster can vouch for my solid reporting skills…


  21. Rolly says:

    Quite off topic, smiths.
    But I agree with you.
    There’s more than just a touch of mafia like behaviour in a number of these “organisations”.
    Perhaps the controlling authorities need to wake up to the nature of these actions.
    Just the “thin end of the wedge”.
    Shonky elements like this need to be weeded out before they proliferate.


  22. Frank Calabrese says:

    and in Breaking news, former Liberal Leader Dr Brendan Nelson has announced he will not stand at the next election.,25197,25064559-601,00.html

    It seems he can’t hack it in Opposition.


  23. cimbali says:

    Yes off topic Smiths but that has never been a hanging offence on this blog and if you just put the name Paul Murray in no one will notice
    and anyway I am going to join you off off topic.

    The very very worst of Perth as far as I am concerned is that you can’t go to a concert without hauling 5 tons of tupperware with you.
    is there some sort of massive pavlovian experiment going on where every time you hear a band you suddenly need to break out the cold chicken and chardonnay?
    Can’t we go back to eating at home where we have specially designed things like kitchens and tables to facilitate the process, and then go out without carrying a squashy eski and cut off folding aluminium chairs
    I just want to buy a ticket to see a band and not have to bring a picninc.
    and not have to bring a blanket
    and not have to bring a hat and sunscreen for the afternoon sun that is still shining in your eyes at 9pm
    and not have to bring a jumper for when the easterly kicks
    and not have to bring insect repellent
    and not have to bring bogan repellent
    and very occasionally see a band between march and October rather than have all your favourites jammed into four weekends in February with no time in between to save up for the exorbitant cost of renting a square metre of damp lawn for four hours …

    I just want to buy a ticket to see a band
    and expect a seat
    and expect a roof
    and expect plumbed toilets
    and expect the people around me not to be pissed
    and – ok sorry that is clearly expecting too much…
    I’ll stop now.

    Paul Murray


  24. Frank Calabrese says:


    I agree with your rant, but would like to point out the reason behind this bit.

    and very occasionally see a band between march and October rather than have all your favourites jammed into four weekends in February with no time in between to save up for the exorbitant cost of renting a square metre of damp lawn for four hours …

    The main reason behind this is because overseas acts perform in the US during the Northern Summer, which is our Winter, and thus are only availbale to tour here during the summer months, plus outdoor venues are only allowed X amount of concerts per year due to the Noise factor and the Football season.


  25. Kelly says:

    Smiths – look on the website. It says no BYO.


  26. I was right with you Cimbali, until
    and expect the people around me not to be pissed

    That’s un-nostralian.


  27. cimbali says:

    yes you are right Frank but it is the outdoor venues that annoy me the most. I want to go inside! I just don’t get why everyone thinks we need a new sporting stadium instead of a decent music venue – I say flatten a bit of Sandalford and play your footy there.

    And yes LA it is unaussie but I am a bit jaded after missing the end of a concert last week while pretty much carrying a colleague half a mile to the portaloos, wedging her upright in the cubicle and having to hold the door closed to protect the passers by. And then not being allowed to return to the concert coz she was too pissed.

    At another concert a lurching bogan asked me what had happened to his bourbon and I had to tell him that it had made its way into my shoe.


  28. Jeez really? The concert and colleague. Any clues? I know Styx weren’t in town. Toto was last year…


  29. cimbali says:

    Don’t you think Toto would be improved by viewing from the portaloos?


  30. Frank Calabrese says:

    Jeez really? The concert and colleague. Any clues? I know Styx weren’t in town. Toto was last year…

    Billy Joel ? Eros Rammaziotti ?


  31. Rolly says:

    I’m with you on your first rant, including the bit about enjoying a concert or other entertainment without the need to gorge oneself and get obnoxiously intoxicated in the process.
    I know that this is a ‘young’ country but the picnic and piss up is positively puerile.


  32. Kill Teen Angst Fan Boi says:

    Geeez… does anyone know if Tod still lives on Vincent St? Incidentally, right across the road from the Ten Speed/ Kill Teen Angst house…

    Someone I know tried to set fire to Tod’s apparently… Has cred IMO.


  33. Frank Calabrese says:

    Geeez… does anyone know if Tod still lives on Vincent St? Incidentally, right across the road from the Ten Speed/ Kill Teen Angst house…

    According to Tod last Sunday on 6PR he did mention that he now lives by the Swan River,which I’m assuming is somewhere either in Maylands, ot more likely Applecross and surrounds and was commenting that the peaceful surrounds were disturbed by a boat playing Doof Doof music and he was complaining like a typical 6PR listener :-)


  34. Grrr says:

    disturbed by a boat playing Doof Doof?

    I’d be outraged too.

    Rivers are for watching, not raving I say.

    I don’t know about anyone else but the Beaufort Street Bloggers er… blog is still up for me showing Siennas.
    Maybe they stopped by Jacksons or Richies and were sold into white slavery? I would not be surprised.

    And, I’m going to defend the review of the C. I, sadly, ate there in December, while while I didn’t slip a scallop into my pants for later examination, and I don’t make a habit of over-analysing my food, he was otherwise bang on:
    Great service, but the food is over-priced and decidedly average (and a little frou-frou if you like your simple pleasures like me) but the sweeping view across the rooftops of Perth on a scorching hot day cannot be beat.


  35. skink says:

    you seem to be forgetting the simple economics:
    these dinosaur acts and their high ticket prices only appeal to people of a certain age, who no longer want to mosh, but prefer to have a nice sit down whilst enjoying music from the last LP they bought some years ago before the technology became difficult to work. Music for people who don’t really like music: Simply Red, Dido, David Grey, that nice James Blunt. People with nice singing voices who write a proper tune, rather than all that doof doof and shouty angry rap stuff. Something you can tap your feet to, and cheer when you recognise the song, and maybe sing along if you know the words, and wave a glow stick because obviously candles are a fire risk.

    and if you are sat down, you are going to want a nice glass of wine, and then something tasty to nibble, in a nice venue that doesn’t stink of sweaty bodies and patchouli, and with adequate parking for your SUV.

    Ideally all such concerts would be held at Leeuwin, but since that’s a bit far why not create a similar ambience in King’s Park or Supreme Court Gardens?

    I realised that this was the dominant trend when I went to the Big Day Out and noticed a youngish couple next to me, with golf sweaters draped across their shoulders, sipping chardonnay from plastic glasses and wearing ear plugs.


  36. Bill O"Slatter says:

    Skink Chick Corea and John McLaughlin don’t equal Simply Red , Dido, David Grey, that nice James Blunt. Anybody who plays with Miles Davis is not to be lightly dismissed.


  37. Rolly says:

    Fashions change, but the thin strands of memorable music and performers persist.
    God, I could survive well on a tiny percentage of the current royalties from the Beatles outpourings.


  38. David Cohen says:

    Yes you could, Rolly. But you didn’t write any of the songs.


  39. skink says:

    well then he really should be in a dark underground jazz club.



  40. Rolly says:

    Very true, DFOC, more’s the pity.
    I’d have been very proud to have been associated with some of them.


  41. smiths says:

    i saw four topics and mistakenly thought it a general comments thread, sorry,
    didnt mean to take it off topic

    in response to skink it really would have been better in a dark jazz club but it was still very good where it was,

    and in response to kelly,
    i dont check the website of every event i go to and read all the small print,
    on my ticket it said bring a rug and a picnic
    it did not say, no byo,
    not only that but they took my water off me as well which was in a glass bottle,
    and finally, if they are going to strip people of their stuff and then offer them the same stuff at ridiculous prices, the least they can offer is eftpos

    the rug munching gets hostile as well, the thin veneer of civilisation as people quaff their wines deteriorates as latecomers bundle in a fill the gaps near the front and people try and keep polite as they seethe with resentment at some arsehole who stole their leg room or put their foot in the salad, ha ha


  42. skink says:

    there was rug munching?


  43. smiths says:

    yes, much rug munching


  44. There’s always rug munching.


  45. Off topic, who cares.


  46. Bento says:

    Was this Chick Corea and John McLaughlin or Tegan & Sara?


  47. Bill O"Slatter says:

    Or in Bento’s case a coffin and a shovel.


  48. Cookster says:

    Was there nude twister?


  49. David Cohen says:

    No wonder there are brown-outs at these things.


  50. skink says:



  51. Bento says:

    Bill O – ??

    I don’t get it…


  52. Ljuke says:

    Had a similar experience at the last Nick Cave gig at Belvoir. As soon as the band started, the bars closed up most of their tills, making it impossible to get a drink without standing in line so long that you missed three songs (and his songs are mostly quite long.

    Also, I copped a pretty harsh stare from some old bat who refused to move her legs two inches so I could get past her, causing me to trip and nearly tumble down the steps.

    Gigs would be so awesome if the crowds weren’t peppered with uptight, rude pricks.


  53. Snuff says:

    Much, and hostile, smiths ? I hope they got visas.


  54. Snuff says:

    You were lucky that’s all you copped, Ljuke, if this was her.


  55. skink says:

    and since we are going off-piste

    Cookster and DFOC have missed the opportunity of buying the perfect little holiday home:


  56. smiths says:

    woah there!

    i was innocently referring to sitting on a rug and munching on some food,

    and dear me snuff, a woman who constantly ate her own hair would be very popular, a fringe dweller i’d imagine


  57. At least Tod will get a visitor spike to his blog. half expected to hear from him. I know TWOP’s all the rage at 6PR.


  58. Ljuke says:

    Hey man, I got no problem with cock touching. It’s acting like a cock that I’m against.


  59. David Cohen says:

    Letter to Editor:

    Dear Sir,

    I read Alexandra Topping’s story on the sale of the Withnail & I farmhouse in Cumbria with mounting disquiet and disgust.

    There was not one clever reference to a line in the film.

    Did Ms Topping’s thumbs go weird while word-processing her story?

    It’s a sad, sad day when young journalists don’t have the cultural references – or sense of humour – to have a little joke with their readers.

    She should throw herself into the road to escape the hideousness of her copy.

    Yours sincerely,
    David Cohen


  60. Bento says:



  61. Snuff says:

    Find your neutral space, DFOC. You got a rush. It’ll pass. Be seated.

    “Kate Moss, perhaps a fitting successor”, wasn’t the worst start, but you’re right … there was so much more Alexandra could have done. The company’s spokewoman’s “everyone will be welcome if they want to pass by for a cup of tea”, was very dry.


  62. Bill O"Slatter says:

    DFOC if it’s any consolation I feel the same way when rabbitting on about Dad’s Army , the Sudan and whirling dervishes.


  63. skink says:

    the fuzzy-wuzzies, they don’t like it up ’em


  64. David Cohen says:

    No-one likes the cold steel up ’em any more, Bill…


  65. Cookster says:

    This website has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with octopus.

    The least Topping could have done is made reference to the crowd gathered around at the auction wearing plastic bags on their feet, poking around in the ground with forks!

    Fucking travesty!


  66. Cookster says:

    PS – I saw that film twice in the one day when it came out.


  67. skink says:

    it shows


  68. Slanderer says:

    Withnal and I? I thought you were in it, Cookster. Then I remembered another film shown the once on a blanket in the beer garden of the WAIT Tavern. You were sure in that one!


  69. Was that the hard to find “Fleet’s in down under”, with Cookster in the role of Jack Fleet?”


  70. Cookster says:

    Slanderous stuff there slanderer… I think it was already CURTIN by that stage. So, come on, where do you fit in here?

    If it’s the film that I think you’re talking about, I believe all copies were burned back in 1988.


  71. Now this is turning a whiter shade of worst. Email me the title Slanderer, and I’ll try and find a copy. Perhaps even MyNing might have it in his archives? Cookster In flagrante video? Bring it on.


  72. Rolly says:

    “Cookster In flagrante video? Bring it on.’

    Oh! Please NO!

    Hammer films will never seem the same again.


  73. Frank Calabrese says:

    Speaking of Fillums and posters on this blog – I hope Reece Whitby has included in the forthcoming 50th Anniversary Special of TVW 7 Vic Demised’s famous appearance with Fat Cat which involved a rabbit jumping into the obese feline’s mouth, plus the Mr Demised’s juggling act involving Raw Eggs and a hefty dry cleaning bill . :-)


  74. David Cohen says:

    Sounds very delicto…John ‘Holmes’ Cookster??


  75. Klaatu Barada Delicto


  76. Thanks LA , you’ve cajoled us back into posting. We firmly believe we deserve the worst tag though, abysmal performance all round. For the record, the eating hasn’t slowed down, just the posting.

    Also for the record, we thought the scallop incident was funny. Also also for the record, none of us have been to a festival in years as we wouldn’t know what do with our arms and would spend most of the time feeling awkward. And old.


  77. Great Gourmand’s Ghost! Yay they’re still with us.


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