Do you have The Kahunas (or even cohones?) to be West editor?

Here’s the call to West Australian Staff to put up their hands for editor, as reported in The Content Makers. Can I say what a fucking outrage it is that I didn’t get this before Crikey Blogs from MEEAA mouthpiece David Fucking Outrage Cohen. Why am I paying all the kickbacks if I’m reading this second hand from Madge Simons? Anyhow, here’s the call to staff who “think they have what it takes” to be West editor. There are numerous TWOP commenters who have the “Kahunas” to take it on. Send CV NOW.

Dear All,

Bob Cronin has urged staff who believe they are up to the task to apply for the vacant editor’s position.

I also encourage our people to apply for the job if they think they have got what it takes.

We have engaged some outside help to assist in the recruitment and selection process.

If you want to throw your hat in the ring, in the first instance please send your CV to Company Secretary, Peter Bryant, as soon as possible.


Chris Wharton

Chief Executive Officer

West Australian Newspapers Limited

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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24 Responses to Do you have The Kahunas (or even cohones?) to be West editor?

  1. Pam Mosellas says:

    Hello Dearies, just me Pam Mosellas! Hi Bob, Hi Chris! Just putting in my CV dearies. Can I say that someone who is always aware just how wacky the differences between men and women are, would make a lovely editor.

    I mean dearies, to some extent we are all men and women right? How wacky is that? And the differences between us? Well they’re just wacky!

    Anyway, you have asked us to put down our strengths and weaknesses. Strengths, well do I need to spell it our dearies? The ability to point out how wacky men and women are vis a vis the different ways they do things. Also cats and dogs dearies. How wacky are they? Isn’t it wacky how dogs do their thing and cats do theirs? Are you with me?

    Weakness: I’m a bit too fond of **Pam’s weaknesses edited by TWOP moderator** . How wacky is that?

    Bye dearies. Pam Mosellas.


  2. Paul Nurry says:

    Let me say at the outset, “Martian cow farts”. At first blush, let that be my CV. At second blush, let that be my epitaph. Strengths: Lack of sense of humour, an essential.
    Weakness: None.


  3. David Cohen says:

    I apologise fulsomely LA.

    Perhaps if the flow of Howling Wolves was increased, so would the information.


  4. Cookster says:

    I’m still waiting on your restaurant review…


  5. Bento says:

    ful⋅some  (ˈfʊlsəm),
    1. offensive to good taste, esp. as being excessive; overdone or gross: fulsome praise that embarrassed her deeply; fulsome décor.
    2. disgusting; sickening; repulsive: a table heaped with fulsome mounds of greasy foods.
    3. excessively or insincerely lavish: fulsome admiration.
    4. encompassing all aspects; comprehensive: a fulsome survey of the political situation in Central America.
    5. abundant or copious.

    I assume, DFOC, you meant either #1, 2 or 3?


  6. skink says:

    he shot a man in Reno,
    just to watch him die


  7. David Cohen says:

    Mmmm: greasy food, a table heaped with…


  8. Bento says:

    Skink – your lame pun made me hang my head and cry.


  9. Hugh Jass says:

    Oh shit….why???


  10. Frank Calabrese says:

    Hmm, Burkie might be available to edit the paper, if it forms part of some kind of plea bargain to avoid Jail, and to help Christian Porter with his overcrowding problem.


  11. I’ll guess I’ll try and get a little further down the line…


  12. Snuff says:

    A table heaped with greasy food, DFOC ? I bet there’s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car.


  13. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    Only the most cynical among us could remain unimpressed by the spectacle of the inauguration of president Barack Obama.

    Not only did it see lotsa people gather in Washington to watch this one man being vested with enormous power, but it also gave me the opportunity to write an absolute stunner which I will put with my CV when I put my hand up (again) for the editorship at the Worst.

    However, there was a cloud on the horizon. You see, I’m a bit worried that Bob may not overlook some of the tripe I’ve spewed out over the years in the same way that Paul did, which means I can’t cut and paste too many direct quotes.

    With this in mind, I writhed in my seat in frustration when I watched the whole thing on TV the other night as I started facing one of the biggest dilemas of my career as a newspaper “columnist”.

    After all, here was a golden opportunity to not only write another 2000 word hackneyed piece on how Obama is all talk and promise, but I had before me a speech chock full of quotes which, if I was clever, I could use to fill up at least 3/4s of my word count. Furthermore, I was taping the thing on the family VCR – I needn’t have to wait until it was transcibed and published by some other news agency before being able to sit down and write the thing.

    What to do? I needed the money from the column quickly, but I wanted my old job back.

    So I fooled everyone by not only cutting down on my direct quotes, but actually writing something that was coherent and sans that pious self congratulatory stuff that I usually pepper my columns with just to let everyone know that I’m an expert on everything.

    Sure I had to make sacrifices, but that’s what Obama’s speech was about, right? When he praised those workers who were taking pay cuts to save their collegues’ jobs, I thought of those who would also have to take a pay cut at the Worst when I arrived so that I too could have a job. To be sure it’ll hurt – I still charge $7 a word – but it’ll be worth it.

    So against the odds, it was the substance of Mr Obama’s speech that will be remembered, not the elegant rhetoric we expected. And, maybe, it was all the better for that.

    I hope Bob (and Chris for that matter) takes this the right way. After all it is only proper that I too, in my job application, temporarily abandon my own form of “eleagnt rhetoric” and attempt something closer to substance. (Of course, I hope they ignore the “things will be better” remark if I don’t get the job.)

    Any way, a big congrats to Obama for showing us his substance.

    And a triumph of substance over style is welcome in politics anywhere these days.

    (A triumph of substance over style is also welcome in journalism, you fucking idiot – ed).


  14. Rolly says:

    “(A triumph of substance over style is also welcome in journalism, you fucking idiot – ed).”

    But rarely achieved.
    Though, perhaps, not as rarely as the endangered species; Style *and* Substance.


  15. john Ryan says:

    Why not Burke,that would put the cat among the fleas on Perths on 6pr.
    Wonder if Beaumont would talk to Burke as editor of the paper Simon loves


  16. Sir Mull Pottage says:

    You bastards , you hunger for it, you dream of it, but you’ll never get the gig , commies.
    Chong chong san ripped your balls off , No ballsed from the maiden over . In any case you need the blue balls of freedom or freedom balls not red balls. You can’t keep up with the cojonesies required.
    We don’t employ weirdos , commies or women in management apart from trannies. We employ a few of them further down the feeding frenzy so we can jerk their chains.( see Needsglasses )
    Mosellas you old bag you don’t have any balls so you’re an early scratching.
    Personally I woudn’t mind if Bob Normal got up .He’s an old ,slow, dumb horse who can’t write but stays the distance.

    You know I depend greatly on up to date information about Mars. Frinstance the tone of my articles is set by that great fillum “ Mars Atttack” : “Ack ack”. Also Muttsie goes nuts when their brains get squished. I just swish “Our Baz” has directed it.
    I had woken up and realized I was in a dire predicament, I couldn’t remember writing my column. I return to my columns as surely as Muttsie returns to a yak : even when it isn’t his. So I had to know where to file this Martian one : “ Beyond parody” or “ On the piss”
    I had to contact the experts on lunar right symbolism. Rattler or Liar O’Fartlett. Liar O’Fartlett was no good : couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it.
    Rattler said he thought he could crack the code but the meter was set to $ 250 an hour . I told him to shove it
    He didn’t get the right amount of wonga for his house and now he’s hungry as a shark that ate a chunk of wettie.
    I had to do the deciphering myself of the Potty code.
    Guide to Life on Mars
    There is a level of indirection. You have to view things from the viewpoint of a Martian looking at Earth using the West Australian as a source of information. The earth has discovered that Mars is warming caused by methane from cows. But get this …. in reality Mars has no cows so how come its warming ? ( Answer , in reality , it isn’t).
    Connect this with earth related global warming mechanisms ?
    Methane …. farts
    farts….. methane
    Paul Murray………flatulence
    milk……. money
    Dix-Ie,,,,,,,,,,Channel 9 reporter Dixie MarsHo geddit !!!
    This following bit I could not decipher I assume it was just to get the word count up.
    “But now the Martian love of milk and cheese had brought them undone. Just like on Earth, methane emissions from cows, in reality from burping not farting, were proving an environmental headache.”
    “burping not farting,” that’s disappointing, and why do I have to keep repeating “in reality”.
    Quote some statistic about methane on earth.
    Then get emissions based trading completely wrong and voila the compete shambozzle.
    I’ll send this in to Psychology Today with the title “Auf die Psychologie der Marsmenschen” and call myself Goethe.


  17. Awesome. Fucking awesome Sir Mull.
    You should know that if you use the exact same name and email address each time you comment, you will go up immediately automatically. if you change anything, it automatically goes into moderation.


  18. Cookster says:

    TLA, did you hit the howling wolves again and log in as one of your other pers… sorry, I should say, Perthonalities?


  19. Frank Calabrese says:

    Shallow Spice on speculation on who will get the gig.

    But be VERY afraid of this choice.

    West investigative reporter Gary Adshead, who has worked for Seven News in the past, is also rumoured to be a possible candidate.


  20. Is he so bad? What are his worst credentials?


  21. Frank Calabrese says:

    Is he so bad? What are his worst credentials?

    His West TV reports during the State Election are a prime example :-)


  22. Didn’t he get the arse from 6PR for being too soft on refugees? or am I thinking of someone else?


  23. Frank Calabrese says:

    Didn’t he get the arse from 6PR for being too soft on refugees? or am I thinking of someone else?

    He might have, but maybe our guru of all thing political My Ning may know more.


  24. Bill O"Slatter says:

    For persons puzzled by Pottage’s Mars Methane references. Martian sunrises and sunsets can also be found at that site.


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