Sorry Day Nurry Day

Some of you may have seen Paul (knowallus blowhardus) Murray’s call for an apology for the state of English teaching in Australia. It seems to me that Paul Murray has far more to apologise for than the teachers. I’ve sent in my reply, but TWOP readers should make the effort to ask for an apology from teh Paul for the particular torment that has touched their hearts the most. Perhaps you can get a reply, or even a letter in the rag. I’ve provided the text, and emails so cut and paste.

Letters editor.;

Regarding Paul Murray’s call for a sorry day, (Sorry Day for English teaching long overdue, 21/10)

I call on Paul Murray to apologise for…

Let me know if you get a response, so it can be pilloried here.

Dreaming of Pam Cassellas?

Dreaming of Pam Cassellas?

The West was very worst compliant today. Dickie Court talking about WA seceding (groan). A story suggesting Mandurah is about to sink into the sea, and letters agreeing with Paul Murray.

About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
This entry was posted in worst journalist, worst newspaper, worst people and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

113 Responses to Sorry Day Nurry Day

  1. Paul Nurry says:

    I, at first blush call upon myself to aplogise for finding a miniature version of The Sydney.


  2. I call on Paul Murray to apologise for pretending to be a film reviewer AND for having a voice like a dying chook when on radio.


  3. Frank Calabrese says:

    The West was very worst compliant today. Dickie Court talking about WA seceding (groan). A story suggesting Mandurah is about to sink into the sea, and letters agreeing with Paul Murray.

    You forgot the call for the Cultural Centre to be revamped by reopening James T and to put in more cafes etc.


  4. Oh yeah that too. Its problem is that is was opened by Brian Burke. It needs to be reconsecrated.


  5. And the death butane driver is wearing women’s sunglasses in the paper today.


  6. poor lisa says:

    … making it not ok to like Mamma Mia.


  7. Bento says:

    I believe Mr. Nurry has followed the AJA Code of Ethics with admirable rigor. In particular, he adopted appropriate safeguards in reviewing movies to ensure his objectivity was not compromised. Specifically, he refused to see the movie he was reviewing. Exemplary.

    Actually, Mr. Nurry appears to have taken extreme measures to maintain his objectivity, essentially making sure he acquires no knowledge whatsoever of his chosen subjects (except, possibly, himself and his own columns).


  8. Bento says:

    @6 poor lisa – it was never ok to like Mamma Mia. Please make a note of it.


  9. skink says:

    shouldn’t it be “Sorry Excuse for a Journalist” Day?


  10. skink says:

    LA – do you have the text of his better English article?

    I shall take great delight in sub-editing it for errors.

    Does the West have a style guide? I often wonder

    it has not been posted on The Worst’s website, perhaps on account of it being shite.

    he does however have a piece about the new Health Czar’s $560k salary, and how this is a bit hypocritical of the Libs.

    No mention is made of the hypocrisy of The Worst, who were handing out the torches and pitchforks for Neil Fong’s lynch mob.


  11. poor lisa says:

    … i also call on paul nurry to apologise for fucking up his own apology to the wrong english satirical magazine when he tried to fess up to his own blatant plagiarisation of decades-old unfunny-even-then ‘nig nog dialect’ humour.


  12. poor lisa says:

    I like Mamma Mia, and the Sound of Music.


  13. skink says:

    I am now picturing you dressed as a nun.

    not that I know what you look like, but I have a vivid imagination


  14. Bento says:

    At the risk of sounding like a man who is one step beyond sleeping with Asian girls (not that there’s anything wrong with that, as long as you don’t march in the streets, according to Mr. Nurry), I have no quarrel with musicals as a genre. Hell, I cried in Moulin Rouge (although I blamed a combination of dust and post-inebriated anxiety).

    I do, however, take issue with Mamma Mia, specifically.


  15. skink says:

    I too cried during Moulin Rouge

    tears of boredom and frustration.

    that feeling was swiftly overtaken by an urge to slam Nicole Kidman’s head in a car door.


  16. poor lisa says:

    @13 Well you’re close, I would be dressed as a nun but they don’t sell them in strippers world. I also can’t find any men that look like captain von trapp. Your avatar ain’t bad though

    @14 I thought in nurry world it was ok to like Mamma mia AND you could march down the streets as long as you didn’t hold hands and/or have your bum hanging out your pants. But nurry world has its own logic.


  17. poor lisa says:

    what skink said.


  18. Paul Nurrey says:

    hello dear,
    fuck it. i feel like chucking it all in. no-one is appreciating me today. the boy editor has cut my lunch expenses AGAIN. i tried to tell him that income is crucial for managing my sources and trying to pay off our credit card debt, but he said something about the paper being banned from the Art Gallery Cafe. Ungrateful little shit. especially when i rescued him from the nasty in his nappy during that incident 10 years ago. they’ve also spiked my next column (the one on how i could have played one of the male leads in Mamma Mia). the blokes here just don’t get it. they reckon i’m trying to blow my own horn, but they miss my amusing take on how the arts is hopeless here, and lefty handwringers only like violent films which bag America. it’s hard to soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys. one of the new cadets bumped into me in the canteen queue, and didn’t apologise! can you believe it! I, me, Paul Nurrey! he ran away, too – he made some lame excuse about chasing a front-page ball-tearer, but he was scared of me. i knew it. and, although it’s not a big deal at all, those cunts at The Worst of Perth are arking up again. more jealousy of my column. they think it’s funny to keep using the wrong picture of me – that one at the Chamber of Commerce dinner taken after I accidentally shat myself – but don’t give both sides of the story. how cheap is that? how vindictive? not that it bothers me in the slightest. at least the readers know sense – a couple wrote in in defense of me and my columns. those cunts at TWOP really are hopeless. next thing they’ll say is you have to have been Treasurer before you can comment about the economy! it’s so unfair – but I’m not fussed by them. listen Grace, try to give the plastic a breather for the rest of the week, ok? with the lunch expense money reduced we’re going to be on struggle street a bit until Chrissy. i might get a round delivering the western suburbs weekly round Allen Park. it’d keep me in tip-top shape – and hell, you never know, i might get a few column ideas! don’t tell anyone, though – they’ll just jump to the wrong conclusion and say i’m desparate. cunts! see you tonight love (can we have curried mince and vegies again tonight? – cheers darl). home around 8 after a few drinks with the boys at the club. my slippers need to be washed.


  19. Del Quant says:

    Funnily enough, Nurry doesn’t take constructive, well-intentioned criticism lightly – I managed to get this one through on one of his blogs 6 months ago; the fat turd must’ve then sacked his ‘moderator’ and taken personal responsibility, because since then not one of my responses has made it through…

    March 26th, 2008 at 11:18 am
    John Connor – I was merely pointing out the disingenuousness of this blog, and Murray’s complete hypocrisy in decrying Earth Hour as a “stunt” while offering absolutely nothing in the way of practical solutions to what is now – in the civilised world – the scientific orthodoxy of climate change. I wasn’t for a moment seriously suggesting he’d become an environmental pragmatist, or indeed anything other than what he’s always been – a doughnut-inhaling right-wing waste of real estate who writes petulant, carping piffle for the consumption of illiterate colonial throwbacks.

    report as inappropriate


  20. Snuff says:

    @ 16 poor lisa

    Yes, poor lisa, skink’s avatar’s not bad, especially with beer goggles on, but I think this might be more to your liking.


  21. skink says:

    talk of nuns made me go looking for the Kate Winslet clip:


  22. David Cohen says:

    my favourite bit in The Sound of Music is when the Mother Superior says to Maria: “What is it you can’t face?” In the faux Austrian accent, it sounds like “What is it, you cunt face?”


  23. Ljuke says:

    @ 19 Del

    I am officially adding “Doughnut Inhaler” to my list of criticisms now deemed “constructive”. I’ve been waiting for someone to green-light that one.


  24. skink says:

    Cohen is right (for once), although it’s a close call:

    I prefer this one:


  25. Del Quant says:

    I gave up waiting for someone to green-light “pointless fat cunt” and just went right ahead and added it.


  26. Snuff says:

    @ 18 Paul Nurrey

    Although it’s not a big deal at all, Paul, we are indeed arking up again.

    Two by two, of course.


  27. Midlandia says:

    As a future English teacher, a rather large swath of folks like Murray and company make me wish to reach for the garroting wire. What I find absolutely glorious is that in upper secondary school, when told to read expository texts such as newspaper articles, our teachers explicitly told us to avoid The West Australian like it was the plague.

    Who ever said English teachers don’t have a sense for texts worth studying?

    I will be writing a response. I may or may not allude to the above fact, but I’ll avoid the phrase “doughnut-inhaling” for now, at least.


  28. Snuff says:

    Welcome aboard, Midlandia. Of course we can allow Marlowe, and we blog commenters, some poetic license, but watch out for those typos. Whoever is definitely one word.


  29. johnnyscrotum says:

    I just heard on 6PR that Paul Nurry has just died? Is this true? Bags driving the hearse and pushing the button on the cremator type machine thingy with flames and burning hot stuff that melts human bone and pubic hair alike.

    I will name my next pet herring in his honour.

    RIP Mr Nurry.


  30. My Ning says:

    Petty professional jealousy that is fit for the schoolyard antics of grade fivers is something Muzza should also apologise for.

    Take, for example, his appearance at a uranium conference in Fremantle a few years ago.

    During his time at the podium, PM went to great lengths to bag Joe Spagnolo at The Sunday Times for an article which appeared in the Murdoch rag circa June 2006 vis-à-vis rumours that a nuke power plant may be built in his home suburb of Swanbourne.

    His attack was loosely disguised as an example of the sometimes unnecessary media hype surrounding the uranium debate. However, given what we know about the man through his writings – and taking into account that The Worst claimed it discovered the wreck of the Sydney partly via an article penned by the maestro himself – his atomic discourse was nothing more than piss poor character assassination. Of course this style of writing probably doesn’t come under the journalists’ code of ethics, but who gives a fuck? After all, neither does passing off racist nig nog ravings (thank you Poor Lisa) as satire.

    Any way, here’s some of the transcript from PM’s presentation.

    “The author (of the offending article) is a senior journalist who was formally chief of staff of a regional newspaper.

    “The single unsubstantiated source for this one is one of the most senior ministers in the Carpenter Government, a lawyer, who runs one of the government’s biggest portfolios – transport and infrastructure (yes, it was Alannah McTiernan).

    “The Sunday Times newspaper claims it gets to about 800,000 West Australians each weekend, so no matter what you think of it, you can’t say that it isn’t affecting someone.

    “And it thought so highly of this report that it tagged it as an exclusive. When I read it, I thought the only reason to give it an exclusive tag was because no other editor in Australia would run such rubbish (take note, Paul Armstrong).

    “So here we have the state planning minister warning West Australians that the Howard Government might foist a nuclear plant on them. Not only that, it might be sited on army land at Swanbourne slap-bang in the middle of the metropolitan area just 10 kilometres as the crow flies from the CBD and in a Liberal electorate.

    “We don’t really need to examine much more than that.

    “This crap was swallowing, without gagging it seems, by the reporter. None of the assertions made by the politicians are put to any sort of test.

    “Point one – why would the Howard Government want a nuclear power station in WA? Power generation is a state issue. Has the Federal Government ever dictated the fuel source of any power station in any Australian state?

    “Point two – anyone who knows the SAS land at Swanbourne would realise that it is the most valuable, undeveloped potential residential land along the metropolitan coast bar none – sited between unobtainable Cottesloe and the new millionaires’ paradise at City Beach. Would a nuclear power station be an economically viable use of this land?

    “It’s like saying the Federal Government will use its magnificent land at South and North Head on Sydney Harbour for a nuclear power plant just because it was near the ocean.

    “It’s too stupid for words.

    “Why would you put an industrial plant on such valuable real estate in a city when you can site a nuclear power plant anywhere in the south west integrated grid if you wanted to.

    “Point three – this land is very narrow land, just over 500 metres wide, it’s bounded on the east by the main north-south route to the Port of Fremantle, and within homes within an immediate proximity. Is it the best site for a nuclear power station?

    “Point four – who would the nuclear power be sold to? Would it be sold into the State Government-controlled integrated power network? Would this give the state government a vetoed power – even in the bizarre circumstance that the Federal Government would want to foist a nuke power plant on WA?

    “The truth is there are many, many reasons why you wouldn’t site a nuclear power plant on either of the locations mentioned in this story. None of these reasons are even hinted at in this report.

    “A serious reporter would not have allowed this to get onto the keyboard. A less serious one would have at least covered his backside by raising some of these obvious issues.

    “Only a complete dill swallows this sort of muck from a politician hook line and sinker.

    “But what about the minister who produces this bilge? It was a conscious attempt at instilling fear in the minds of the public by a minister whose responsibility is for planning our future.

    “This is very much part of Labor’s mindset when approaching nuclear and uranium issues. It doesn’t matter the truth of what they say. They believe they can get away with saying just about anything on nuclear issues, so go for the doctor – play on the community’s emotions, don’t worry about your obligations to inform your public honestly.

    “Don’t worry about the responsibilities to create sound policy for future generations. Just milk an emotional political issue for all you can get from it, for one day’s headline in a sad little rag.”

    If anything, PM should change any references to “nuclear” in this script to “wreck of Sydney” or “The West Australian”. Then he should stand before a mirror and read it out aloud to himself. Only then he might see that this rant is – in many ways – kind of self-reflective and sadly autobiographical.


  31. Paul Nurry says:

    #29 J’Scro. You made me look at the West online to see if it was true! Shame.


  32. A new Paul Nurry pic added! It’s one taken when he fell asleep reading his column on Multanovas.

    By the way, The West is blocking The Worst of Perth. The State Library is archiving it as an historical document, but West journos are not allowed to look at it.

    A fucking outrage.


  33. B.T. says:

    Great shot of Nurry falling asleep. I can’t make it through his columns either. Will he apologize for wasting my time?


  34. My Ning says:

    The Worst obviously isn’t as thick skinned or as tough as it likes to think it is, despite its continual chest beating, grandstanding and overall sense of self righteousness.

    Interestingly, Armstrong made some dumb-arse comment to the press (I can’t exactly remember when) that McGinty’s refusal to speak to The Worst circa 2007/08 was akin to something out of Stalinist Russia.

    Gee – I don’t recall seeing any show trials or gulags being set up under Carps (although this could change under this new coalition of fools). And certainly the train wheel oilers weren’t being sent to the penal colonies. Another example of the paper’s beat up policy, perhaps?

    If anything, the TWOP gag order is another example of The Worst’s knee jerk reaction to legitimate criticism – which is kind of ironic as the newspaper is the first to cry foul and stamp its little feet when it comes across any form of censorship or restriction of the flow of information.


  35. skink says:

    you can always email stuff direct to Inside Cover.

    I emailed the Amin and Gay mock-ups to them.

    I don’t expect them to print them, but my hope is that they get circulated virally around the office and a few folk have a laugh at Teh Paul’s expense. I have no doubt that most West employees have a similar opinion of him to us.

    what you really need is a list of all the West journos direct email addresses, and then send the choicest bits of West-baiting direct to them from an anonymous hotmail account.

    if only we knew of someone who might have such a list…


  36. Inside cover not so good since Luke went. I would hope that it’s blocked because youse cunts keep saying cunt all the time, but even so, you’d think journos would have a pretty free reign with web research.


  37. Looking closer, is that a Mona Lisa smile?


  38. poor lisa says:

    @35 don’t you just go like this… (or wanews or whatever it is)


  39. Yes you do. as in


  40. Bill O'Slatter says:

    Nurries a bore. Let’s do an expose on the other Troy : Mercanti. What’s he doing now he’s being kicked out of the Coffin Cheaters. Also the last I heard the Cheaters were going to recycle all that “We are just innocent businessmen who’ve had a little bit of bad luck and got caught in the crossfire ” shit.


  41. Don’t you have a blog to do that on?


  42. skink says:

    good idea Bill

    we have already pissed off all the important Italian families in Vincent

    now let’s poke the Coffin Cheaters with a stick and see what happens.

    I ride a Vespa. Harley riders are under-endowed.


  43. Ixnay on the offincay. Do I have to xxx you again skink? They weren’t too pleased when I photographed their burnt clubhouse, so I might keep them in the queue for now.


  44. skink says:

    it has just dawned on me who Nurry reminds me of:

    I think it’s the chins


  45. David Cohen says:

    what’s happening with the arm on Teh Paul’s glasses?


  46. Bento says:

    Icing sugar.


  47. Lazy Aussie says:

    Looks like a beer tap. His frozen brain is icing up the glasses.


  48. Del Quant says:

    I think icing sugar’s a definite possibility; there seems to be some on his lower lip as well. It could be that, rather than being asleep, he’s actually looking down at his ample tum-tum because the fat fuck’s just realised that his 19th icing sugar-coated doughnut has snapped his lap band.


  49. skink says:

    There was a terrific typo in the West on Saturday.

    the magazine had a feature on Janet Holmes-a-Court (they hadn’t done one for a few weeks), and in the headline they referred to her husband a “corporate radar”

    you would have thought with that ability she would have seen the financial crisis coming a mile off.

    one for the “who needs English lessons?” file.


  50. Not corporate gaydar?


  51. poor lisa says:

    Nice ‘the kindly paternalistic grammar school tried to help the local picanninnies clean their ears out and learn the lord’s prayer but the bad government interfered’ effort today.


  52. skink says:

    and he did the classic Nurry – padded out his piece with quotes from somebody’s book.

    did that English teacher never teach Teh Paul that one should never start a sentence with a conjunction?

    is that acceptable now? it is rampant across The Worst and WAToady. I should like to see their style guides (if they exist)


  53. skink says:

    from Crikey today:

    “West Australian editor Paul Armstrong read an article in the Fin Review a couple of Fridays ago about how the National Party’s Royalties for Region Fund was being seen by both the Nats and the Libs.

    Been a big story here.

    Anyway, he flipped because he thought the Nats had given the Fin an exclusive — picked up the phone and rang Brendon Grylls directly. For 30 minutes he apparently abused the Nats leader and told him he would “end” him. When Grylls asked him what he meant Armstrong apparently told him he would “dismember” Mr Grylls — or words to that effect.

    Armstrong actually belives he runs the state and politicians of all persuasions should bow before him. This story is all over Perth but not sure if anyone has reported it. Yet another of Armstrong’s petulant, ego-driven outbursts.”


  54. Frank Calabrese says:


    I’ve taken the opportunityh to post that limpwrist revelation over on Pollbludger.

    This is an abuse of power on a big scale, no wonder no-one trusts the West.


  55. Did you mean Armstrong’s mother rang Grylls or Armstrong himself? I’m not sure he’s allowed to use the phone.


  56. Rolly says:

    Praps he’s been watching re-runs of ‘Citizen Kane”.
    Or maybe he even has his own copy which he uses as a form of ‘affirmation’ therapy.
    He’s that far out of date in his ideas that he may not yet have realised that 1938 was a long time ago.


  57. But we had hope that Fairfax was going to make a difference.


  58. Rolly says:

    “Rosebud my arse.”
    No thanks.
    Go visit a tattoo “artist”.


  59. skink says:

    Fairfax did make a difference.

    we now have two useless bunches of lame amateur hacks, where once we only had one.

    twice the ineptitude.

    quantity beats quality, just ask Tony Sadler.

    It’s the Perth way


  60. Snuff says:

    Rosebud my arse, TLA ? Actually, it belonged to Marion Davies, and it wasn’t her arse, but you’re very close.


  61. Frank Calabrese says:

    BillBowe has to downplay it.

    William Bowe
    Posted Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    Far be it from me to downplay the veracity of what you might read in Crikey, but I should note that the Paul Armstrong anecdote appeared in the “tips and rumours” section.


  62. skink says:

    he is correct, and Crikey will indeed print any old scurrilous unattributable claptrap under their ‘tips and rumours’, and I have often used that to my advantage.

    it’s still a good story, and Limpwrist is still a dick.


  63. D. says:

    I guess I’ll out myself at the risk of being eviscerated…

    skink @ #35:

    I work as a casual copyrunner (fancy terms for “gopher”) at the West Australian.

    I know for sure that someone taped the “gay Murray” photoshop onto his computer monitor one morning, so you’re getting through to somebody.


  64. That’s made my friday D. I’ve got a whole series of these hideous shots as above.


  65. skink says:

    it has made my Friday too.

    I have a big cheesy grin on my face.

    who knows, maybe Nurry himself logs in to TWOP every now and then.


  66. Bento says:



  67. Pingback: Shame, - Shame! | The Boomtown Rap

  68. paul slurry says:

    As the west’s, indeed the world’s foremost expert on race, I Paul Slurry am eminently qualified to provide incisive commentary on yesterday’s alleged victory by Barack Obama. I know many things about race, and Africans, as here in Allen Park we have many people who my expertise tells me at a glance are probably from Africa who clean our pristine schools, albeit run by interfering state government employees.

    I see them at the bus stop sometimes as I walk my little dog. My expertise tells me at a glance that none of them are African Americans although they probably carry tattered copies of my Idi Amin column in their pockets.

    In the golden years of my young childhood I was precociously the world’s foremost expert on race, as I attended a school, run by caring members of the clergy and not evil government-paid social engineers, with some picanninnies, who were lovely as long as they washed and stayed away from their family homes which were unfortunately not in the suburbs like mine. I kindly and patiently tutored them in basic English (yes sir, kind thanks master slurry, please sir, etc) and sometimes they looked so attractive with their shiny white teeth smiling gratefully at me.

    I also saw through and exposed Condoleeza Rice, who may look like a statesperson of substance but in fact is an African American (I saw this at a glance) and she inspired me to hilariously mimick Stephen Smith speaking in nig-nog, a language which I have studied intensively.

    And as I incisively pointed out in my own column of this morning, 20 years ago I was a guest of American leaders who brought me to their capital to attend meetings of heads of state – although I ended up advising them on matters of race, on which I am the world’s foremost expert. There I learned that the people who live in boxes on the streets of American cities are in fact African American, and some of them are mentally ill, and some are both. I was in fact the first person to notice this fact.

    Which brings me to US President-Elect Barack Obama. He does not live in a box and never has. He is not mentally ill. His father is from Kenya (a country in AFRICA – not America), and he grew up in America. Therefore, how can he be African American? He has hoodwinked millions of people into thinking that he is African American, when in fact he is a person raised in America whose father was African.

    He also claims links with the African American community and its (admittedly sometimes valid, although if they consulted I Paul Slurry they would know that it is better to let bygones be bygones) struggle for justice. Did he move to the back of the bus with Rosa Parkes on that fateful day decades before his birth which gave birth to that struggle for justice? I allege sir that he did not. Did he hold Dr Martin Luther King Jr’s hand during the March on Washington? I allege sir that he did not. Neither did I, but I do not claim to be African American, despite my expertise on the subject. Therefore, how can be a part of the Civil Rights movement?

    Millions of people all over the world have been hoodwinked into thinking that Obama’s ascension to the White House is symbolic but I Paul Slurry know better. Just because millions of people see it as a symbol does not make it so. I do not know what would take for a person of African descent raised in America being elected to the most powerful office in the world to be symbolically significant, but I do know that someone should apologise for making millions of people all over the world think that this victory is symbolic when I Paul Slurry say that it is in fact sir not symbolic.

    Obama also possibly has some policies which I may not agree with, although I am unsure about this because I can’t be arsed to find out what his policies are. However, he is probably some kind of a socialist, despite claiming to be African American. We will never know what some other kind of black leader could have been like and we the people of Allen Park, indeed the Western Suburbs, demand that somebody apologise for that.


  69. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    Oh how I pine for the good old days at Guilford Grammar. But while my memory is as sharp as a tack (I can, for example, go to a number of news webpages to steal quotes without having to google them first), I’m still trying to figure out exactly why I left that prestigious school in 1962.

    This wouldn’t be strange under normal circumstances, but if I left wonderful Guilford after completing year 12, that would make me 63, and I’m certainly not that old.

    Maybe I didn’t complete all of schooling there, in which case why the fuck am I wasting my time going down private school memory lane when my formative years were spent elsewhere?

    Furthermore, why have I become so anti-education when mum and dad forked out the cash to give me the best possible high school education? Has this got something to do with me dropping out of geology at uni to pursue a career as the world’s smartest newspaper columnist?

    Anyway, what difference does it make. I can still go to school reunions and old boys rugby matches and chew the fat with some of the guys who I may or may not have gone to kindergarten with. Trouble is, at either 53 or 63, I’ve got lotsa fat to chew….


  70. skink says:

    at the WAN annual meeting on Wednesday the directors commented that they need to reduce operating costs and plan to “trim the fat”

    I was wondering if that was a euphemism for giving Nurry the sack.


  71. My Ning says:

    Whoever the fuck wrote number 70 – kudos to you. It was completely hilarious…..


  72. Rolly says:

    …… “trim the fat”

    As the Red Queen would say “Off with his head!”


  73. paul slurry says:

    My dear ning, I merely cut and pasted it together out of my own recent columns, a technique which I paul slurry pioneered.


  74. paul slurry says:

    and I DID mention that I was precocious, a fact borne out by the fact that I graduated from high school when I was 7 years old. Unlike Mr Obama, who has never studied geology.


  75. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    As I was out walking my little doggie in the park, the thought of complex moral issues were crossing my mind as I came across a snail making its way across a cement path from one patch of grass to another.

    It was a pathetic sight in what was a quiet week, as the mollusc slithered along slowly, leaving its tiny trail of thin slime that quickly started drying in the heat of the sun. How long would it be, I started to wonder, until the sun became so hot that it would burn out all of this park as a result of the global warming that was being caused by motor mouths like me who were increasing their carbon footprint via raving on and on and on about useless crap (such as how slow snails were when they slid across paths).

    When would the day come, I wondered, when the heat became so unbearable that we would no longer have snails in the park at all? And if this happened, where could I walk my little doggie? Then I noticed the poor snail had a cracked shell.

    I became incensed. What laws of nature, I asked myself, were so cruel as to inflict such an impost on this beautiful, but defenceless creature? And what should me and the doggie do – take this poor thing to the Swanborne Snail Rescue Centre or carry it home and put it in the garden? The latter idea, I decided, was out of the question, as I know Gracie had been putting snail pellets around the place to protect the roses. Luckily a young family came along with some scaffolding they had taken from a nearby building site and, together, we put the snail high in a tree where it would be safe from both the sun and the pellets. For their efforts, I tried giving them a copy of the column I wrote about coal and Kevin Rudd on the weekend, only to find that both the father (who I must admit didn’t look much like a builder) and the oldest child already had one hanging out of their pockets.

    As all of this was unfolding, an equally as profround event was taking place – it was announced that the Archbishop of Canterbury had admitted God was pretty useless on 9/11. Being an expert on all things religious – and on 9/11 for that matter – it got me thinking about why people would want to think that God had anything to do with anything. I mean God couldn’t even help that poor snail climb a tree, let alone stop people taking scaffolding from building sites. Given this, how on Earth could it be expected that God would stop the hijacking of a few planes by some arabs who were intent on flying them into buildings?

    Too many people, and probably too many snails for that matter, place too much emphasis on God. I know this, not because I don’t go to church, but because I read about it in a newspaper column that I’m sure many people carry about with them. Admittedly it was written by me, but because I did write it (and because I’m an expert on everything) it must be true.

    It was then my mind crossed to World War I and Remembrance Day – something I don’t think snails celebrate. Where, I asked my little doggie, was God when men (and no doubt European snails) were dying in the trenches of France. Why didn’t he (yes – God is a man, because I said so) stop that Serbian prick from shooting the Austrian archduke on that fateful 1914 day? Wouldn’t there be more snails in the world if this hadn’t happened?

    It was then I realised I was more concerned for the snail than I was for the either the archduke or the serb, who no doubt adhered to the “justice and law” principles of the Koran, even if he wasn’t a muslim. Come to think of it, I wasn’t too worried about the hijack victms either.

    FOOTNOTE: I went back to check on the snail the next day and came across another group of people who, this time, not only had some scaffolding, but also a couple of shovels and a wheelbarrow as well (plus an article I wrote bagging Jim McGinty two years ago). As I stood there and recounted the saga which had unfolded the day before, I felt the environment becoming a little warmer. Was it because I was creating my own little hole in the ozone layer above the park as I blathered on and on about God, 9/11 and the mollusc?

    Partly. The other reason was my little doggie had just farted. At this point I decided not to tell my audience about the time I took on the WA Potato Board – he had just stolen the show. Sometimes we just can’t escape the cruel laws of nature.

    PS: Mr editor – that’ll be $2000 please.


  76. poor lisa says:

    Thanks for the reminder that he actually gets paid.


  77. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    It’s a strange turn of events indeed when a newspaper editor chooses to allow valuable column space on the same page as his editorial to be filled with useless and under-researched waffle about a slew of subjects which, when handled by different writers, could be quite interesting.

    When the offending article is written by a former editor who made everybody at the newspaper breath a sigh of relief when they thought they had seen the back of him after he was given the push a few years ago, it’s likely to be noticed.

    For some years now Perth newspaper readers have been subjected to mind numbing, long winded and rambling diatribes on a whole bunch of disparate things ranging from ABBA songs in non-violent movies and highly paid public servants to the price of petrol and the road safety record.

    Central to the concerns of the readers is the fact that these unresearched articles don’t normally say anything new and usually rely on the work of other people to fill the generous amount of space that they take up.

    These pieces can also manage to be simultaneously condescending (like when dealing with gays, for example), arrogant (trying to pass off nig nog speech as satire comes to mind here) as well as deeply deceptive (last year’s non-coverage of the federal election was a classic case where more really was much, much less).

    The ex-editor likes to taunt others in the media who he feels are below him (which, lets face it, means anybody who isn’t writing him a pay cheque) – a case in point being his unwarrented attack on The Sunday Times over some nuke ’em beat up.

    This matter once again details the self-aggrandising nature of the writer, who claims to be an expert in just about everything, but who comes across as an ill-informed whinger who has a hefty chip on both his shoulders about everything (except ABBA songs and potatoes from the eastern states).

    He’s so off the mark, in fact, that when he writes about another newspaper editor who berates “gallery reporters who have pursued the story”, he fails to see any irony.

    Of course this comes as no surprise really given his stuff looks like it’s written by somebody who doesn’t have much of a sense of humour.


  78. My Ning says:

    Dear Mr Lazy Aussie

    Just when you thought journalism couldn’t get any dumber we are confronted with a writer that even makes PM look reasonable.

    I am, of course, talking about Gerard Henderson, who is probably the most offensive Howard/Bush/Blair apologist on Earth.

    Not that I really give a rats arse about David Hicks, but wasn’t he forced by the US to confess so he could out of that legal torture chamber in Cuba?

    And the fact Blair introduced even more draconian national security laws than Howard should not be used as a justification for the introduction of a fascist state.

    I don’t really want to sound like a leftist looney here (although, in all honesty I probably am), but where’s the evidence that it was actually the Taliban per se who declared war on the US back in 2001.

    Teh Worst should dump Henderson’s right wing lies and rantings and hand over the space to PM – I’d rather read about his little doggie and those quiet days in Allen Park than have to wade through these distortions that some nutjob tries to pass off as facts.


  79. Why does the West continue with Henderson?

    On teh West, The Worst of Perth is now unblocked at the paper, so now all the young journos can more easily read about what a plonker teh Paul is.


  80. Is the text of Naglazas’ Australia review anywhere? Would like to read it.


  81. Frank Calabrese says:

    Is the text of Naglazas’ Australia review anywhere? Would like to read it.

    Yep :-)


  82. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    It’s been a quiet week in Allen Park. Or so it seems. But we never really know what happens behind the neighbourhood’s front doors, do we?

    Just the other week I was walking though the park (sans my little doggie), past a white picket fence, when I came across someone’s ear that had been cut off and left behind in the grass.

    Was this a sordid attempt to make a statement about Van Gogh? I asked myself. Was it a result of domestic violence? Or was it something else? Was it something dark, and dangerous, yet seductive? It was then I saw a man in a mask accompanying a scowling, quiet man in the loud checked suit and stupid tie coming out of a nearby flat. I knew the latter man because I had seen him at the police station where my father-in-law worked. He was a corrupt detective.

    I waited until nightfall and entered the block of flats. The ambience spooked me to my very soul – a slight wind silently going “woooooooooooooo” counterpointing my heavy footsteps as I climbed the empty concrete stairwell.

    I approachd the door – number 13 – unlucky for some I thought, and an omen perhaps, but I had to know who owned the ear.

    I tapped quiety. There was a pause that seemed to go on forever. Suddenly: “Who is it?”

    It was a sulltry voice, definitely European, moaning quietly from the other side.

    “It’s me, PM,” I began nervously. “You might have heard of me – I write long winded articles using quotes gathered from other sources – mostly radio.”

    “What is it?” she replied.

    “I have something.” I said, “a mystery.”

    She opened the door: “I have a dark secret,” she confessed. “I like to be punched while having sex – it makes me roar like a lion.”

    I had heard about such things, I thought to myself. This would probably make a good column.

    Suddenly they appeared – Frank and his four goons – one of them looking like an older version of that actor who was in that horrible, miscomprehensible, so-called art house movie Eraserhead.

    Oh how I hated that film.

    “What’s your fucking name boy?” Frank barked at me.

    “It’s PM,” I replied.

    “Are you a fucking neighbour?” Frank asked.

    “Yes,” I said, “I’m a neighbour.”

    Frank turned to the boys.

    “Hey, look what we fucking have here, we have a fucking neighbour. What fucking beer do you like. neighbour?” he asked as he turned back to me.

    Unfortunately I now only drink chardonnay (despite the fact I regularly attack the chardonnay crowd in my columns), so I told him so.

    “Fuck that shit – Pabst, blue ribbon,” he yelled.

    I would never touch American bear anyway, I thought.

    “I want to drink to fuck,” Frank exclaimed. “Let’s hit the fucking road.”

    Boy, did he say fuck a lot.

    The Erasaerhead goon led me out to Frank’s sports car, appropriately by the ear, and we all climbed in and sped off into the darkness.

    As we drove, Frank broke open his oxygen mask, put it over his face and started breathing the contents. When he too roared like a lion it seemed to turn the European woman on. He started to fondle her breasts. In hindsight, this wasn’t the time to say anything.

    “Look,” I started, “I have this ear….”

    Frank stopped molesting the woman. “Who is this fuck?” he yelled. “Stop the fucking car!”

    We screeched to a halt and they pulled me into an empty space. Frank started yelling and screaming about some old crooner’s song, which I hadn’t heard of because it wasn’t by ABBA.

    Thoughts of Momma Mia briefly went through my head before Frank’s voice brought me back to the grim reality.

    “…do you know what a fucking love letter is?” he screamed. “It’s a bullet from my gun.”

    He then covered his lips with lipstick and him and the boys started punching into me.

    I fell to the ground as the repeated blows bruised my poor body. It was then I looked up to the sky and saw….


    As I walked out onto Helena Street, where I got my first school holiday job as a 14-year-old, I realised all three speakers had posed difficult questions about the way we define masculinity in Australian society.


  83. Jeez. Do I need to come back early? I see from teh west that some viewers were crying with emotion after seeing Oztralia.


  84. paul slurry says:

    It’s been a quiet week in Australia, Lazy Aussie. At least so it seems. Behind closed doors however, My Ning raises discomfiting questions about the way we define masculinity in Australian society, and as I have written in previous colulmns, the urgent need for so many ageing slacker arthouse fans to replace their dog-eared Beatrice Dalle posters with a radiant shot of botox-mugged Nicole, in the interests of not being elitist Melbourne wankers who can’t appreciate the good honest value of home-grown entertainment featuring picanninnies with white teeth who know how to show gratitude.

    What the fuck paraphrasing some worthy speeches on domestic violence has got to do with my first job as a 14-year-old, only I know, as I am Australia’s foremost expert on overweight little doggie-walking google-dependent gin-addled columnists. As a prominent male in the public eye, as requested I hereby make a statment against the notion that I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, and please go and post this now Grace then warm my slippers.


  85. skink says:

    if the staff are reading this, may I just take this opportunity to say that your newspaper is a joke, the quality of journalism is shite, your editor is a tosser, and you will all be first against the wall when the revolution comes.


  86. poor lisa says:

    Aah I hope you’re not making promises you can’t keep.


  87. Frank Calabrese says:

    And the racist fucktards are out in force on PerthNow, imn response to the latest Terrorist attack in Mumbai.

    oh and the biggest part of the story ?

    AUSTRALIAN actress Brooke Satchwell hid inside a tiny bathroom cupboard for about an hour to escape gunfire in the Indian city of Mumbai.,21598,24714186-948,00.html


  88. skink says:

    clearly the media have missed the point of the story

    these terrorists are clearly outraged by the quality of acting on Australian TV and this whole attack was aimed at eliminating Satchwell.

    Dannii Minogue has gone into hiding


  89. skink says:

    the Walkleys have been announced, and once again the outrageous eastern states bias is evident, with Teh Paul getting overlooked yet again.


  90. Bill O"Slatter says:

    Not a single gong for anybody at the Worst least of all Nurries.


  91. Frank Calabrese says:

    Not a single gong for anybody at the Worst least of all Nurries.

    But the Slimes got a gong though.

    Did anyone see the letter in The Worst urging Teh Paul of the Nurries to enter Parliament ?


  92. poor lisa says:

    Yes Frank, also spotted the letter… because of his ‘vast array of knowledge exhibited… on almost any subject’. In my world such people are usually drunks in the corner of the pub hoping someone will join them so they can talk at length about their solutions to The Aboriginal Problem and ALP factions, and how they coulda been a contender if everyone wasn’t out to get them…. But Paul managed to make a column out of it.


  93. Bill O"Slatter says:

    What is TWOP going to offer the Worst as a suitable replacement for its missing Walkley . I would suggest a hubcap ( or some other piece of junk/ found art ) retrieved from the Causeway .


  94. Due to a surfeit of quality material at the moment, i was unable to use Skink’s submission where The West gets its spelling wrong when publishing the school league tables (against the wishes of the schools). he has submitted it to Crikey instead.


  95. Frank Calabrese says:

    WARNING !!!!

    The West are about to give away another 10 Cars in 10 Weeks.

    Expect the Crap factor to increase proportionally.


  96. And yes, my spelling is worse, but I revel in it. And Outrage. You should know. What’s the deal with The West and Armstrong? Not a peep from cronin or Stokes.


  97. skink says:

    I see that Murray has today big-noted the West’s school league tables, so clearly this is another one of their ‘crusades’, creating controversy where none exists, and provoking lots of correspondence from parents and teachers that Murray can cut-and-paste into his column.

    might be an opportune moment to post their typo from Saturday


  98. My Ning says:

    Today I’m going to write some old codswallop about the debate over the publication of secondary school academic performance statistics – the so-called league tables – because it’s an easy way to get my word count up so I can collect another $2000 while doing virtually bugger all work.

    First of all I’m going to quote not one, but three ads which appeared in the Worst on the weekend.

    By doing this, I can not only fill centimetres of white page space, but I will be justified when I use my favourite phrases and words like “double standards” and “hypocrisy”.

    Then I can quote from an editorial I wrote back in 1999 (before I was shown the door). At first blush this is quite shrewd, as I don’t have to write anything new – all I have to do is repeat myself verbatim (and the fact it was written by me means it must be right, for I am the purveyor of all true and meaningful knowledge).

    Then I can raid a few blogs, which again is kind of shrewd as it shows that I am willing to cut and paste from yet another source (and not just my usual sources such as my own columns, letters to the editor, ABC radio transcripts and TV docos on John Howard) and implies that I am well read on contemporary issues . This also shows those fuckers at the TWOP that the stuff blogged on that particular website isn’t worth repeating – even if omitting it will actually hinder my word count quest (plus, by not acknowleding that offensive little group of undergraduates, it shows my regular readers that I have at least one principle).

    Finally, I can close my piece by cut and pasting from another blogger who seems to think that he’s got the whole education thing worked out (hell – it saves me from having to talk to somebody with an official title to get a more informed view).

    It’s all too easy – easier, at least, than what I was told to expect of lief while a tinier tacker at Guilford Grammar.

    It’s time the private schools realised that the world has moved on and it’s now easy to cut and paste from the flow of information.

    At the very least, they should just accept my peculiar double standard that tries to pass itself off as serious journalistic commentary.


  99. Gawd, Murray is attempting comedy again this morning.


  100. Grrr says:

    As much as I find the bagging of Mr Murray’s columns tiresome (usually) I’m going to have to agree with you there.

    Today’s piece is and abysmal attempt at satire — missing the point at being ‘wry’ or ‘teh funnez’ by several Astronomical Units.

    It speaks volumes that any editor worth his (or her) salt would pay for it, or allow it to be published.

    In my humble opinion. No doubt the letter writers of Perth will rush to praise him and his point, if he had one. I think it was something about how Perth should immediately eradicate its diary herds and ship in melamine milk from China to help refloat the economy.


  101. If you’re tired of Murray column carping, you’re tired of life.


  102. My Ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    The news on Mars wasn’t good.

    At first blush, looking at Mars is like a first blush as it’s red. This doesn’t mean it’s communist, although we did have commie cows in Russia when Stalin was in charge. I seemed to recall I wrote an editorial back in 1972 when just a wee whippersnapper out of geo school about the red menace. Today it’s a green one (ha, ha).

    Ah, geo school and the time we looked for that red metal, copper. One of my classmates was a David Bowie fan and he kept listening to that song Life on Mars. Later there was Simply Red.

    Now getting back to the news on Mars. It’s not good? Why? Fucked if I know. Indeed, I’m really not sure if I have a point at all today – come to think of it, I’m running out of whaffle.

    Maybe I can write about writers’ block. Haven’t done that one for a while. There’s a lot to say about Esperance port, but 12 articles in a week is perhaps a bit much – even for the idiotic readers who buy this rag.

    Jeeez – there must be a way I can write another tirade about that hypocrite Rudd and his broken ETS promise.

    I know. I’ll be satirical, just like the time I pretended to be Idi Amin after Condi’s visit. Oh what a laugh – still, more observant readers would have noticed my sensitivity when I failed to mention her black tits or raise the possibilty that she may be a lezbo. No, no – making slurs against both race and gender is below me.

    Anyway, must think, need wordcount – back to Rudd.

    I know – I can do a piece that mentions Mars, cows and farts. Yes, that will be funny. Here we go:

    The news on Mars wasn’t good….


  103. Rolly says:

    “…- even for the idiotic readers who buy this rag.” My Ning.

    That could become “quote of the month” or maybe even decade.

    Justifiably we bag the Worst, it’s editor and a variety of other contributors to this pathetic rag, but what of the punters who purchase the thing?

    Surely there’s an academic thesis that needs to be written on the ovine behaviour of the masses who keep this parody of a newspaper in business.


  104. From Content makers, The west trawls the newsroom. They’ll need to trawl more than that.

    Dear All,

    Bob Cronin has urged staff who believe they are up to the task to apply for the vacant editor’s position.

    I also encourage our people to apply for the job if they think they have got what it takes.

    We have engaged some outside help to assist in the recruitment and selection process.

    If you want to throw your hat in the ring, in the first instance please send your CV to Company Secretary, Peter Bryant, as soon as possible.


    Chris Wharton

    Chief Executive Officer

    West Australian Newspapers Limited


  105. skink says:

    good grief

    maybe I will apply

    hopefully Nurry’s Martian Cow Flatulence piece has ruled him out


  106. Frank Calabrese says:

    I reckon William Bowe should apply – he’s wasted reviewing CDS, and if he can manage to wrangle the Pollbludgers, I’m sure he could run te West :-)


  107. poor lisa says:

    Just got around to reading the martian/cows/methane piece. It’s actually gibberish. Not really interesting enough to be psychotically deranged, just drunken gibberish. Did anyone read it before they printed it? I was close to feeling sorry for the guy then i remembered he got paid to write it.


  108. My Ning says:

    I can’t see how anyone could have read it – it came across as an ill-fated attempt at political allegory by a 12 year old. Surely a sub (or Bob himself) would have ditched it if they saw this immature monstrosity before the thing was printed.

    One can’t help feel that if someone was to run a worst story of the year contest for the Worst, this one would win hands down. It was so childish – what the hell was it doing on the opinion pages?

    (Stoopid bastard – he should have stuck with his stories on Esperance port or rants about how Obama is still all talk – ed).

    But wait a minute – I just had a scary thought. Could it be that we are the ones missing the point here? Is there something we don’t understand about modern journalism which goes over our heads everytime PM sits at his keyboard and farts one out? Maybe this story was an act of genius and we are just too stupid to realise it?

    It’s a sad state of affairs when self doubt sets in, but I think we will be asking ourselves these questions when a new editor is appointed, but the paper continues to print Murryesque shite.


  109. Rolly says:

    “Maybe this story was an act of genius and we are just too stupid to realise it? ”

    Like the Emperor’s new clothes??

    Some one deserves to catch cold at the Worst.


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