Lipstick on Your Blowhole

Worst Challenge from Melbourne’s Bruce Bruce. Since so many wanted Perth separate, I have decided to only allow outside worst if they are challenging one of our own. Bruce Bruce says…

Perth, your smug certainty that you have the best of Australian worst is ill founded. Our Melbourne fellating dolphins can take your walrus any day. This life size bronze of fellating sea mammals is a reminder of just how human-like these creatures can be. It’s called “Dolphin Returns” or as we prefer “Dolphin Returns the Favour” this sculpture has recently been relegated to a park in Melbourne’s inner west from it’s more high profile spot in the Footscray mall. Originally the upper dolphin had six teats that sprayed high pressure jets of water obscenely over the back of the lower dolphin offering us an image of excruciating and perpetual sea ecstasy.

dolphins footscray

C’mon. You Melbourne pussies will have to do worse than that! You really think these can challenge this walrus? I think not. The sculptor seems like he knows what he is doing, whereas the Walrus Wrangler obviously has no idea of anything. And you want dolphins? Check out the eyelines of the dolphin sculpture at the Galleria below. Perth 1, Melbourne 0.


We’ll take you, blowhole by blowhole Melbourne.

dolphins galleria

About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
This entry was posted in *Worst of Australia, worst public art, worst sculpture and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Lipstick on Your Blowhole

  1. tomthrett says:

    genius. melbourne go die, with your culture, and high art. our dolphin sculpture is the bestest! best of awful


  2. Anonymous Perthon says:

    Bruce Bruce, thats pretty good and maybe if the top dolphin was still urinating you would be in with a chance. Unfortunately there is a gracefulness to the sculpture which overshadows the 69 business – sorry mate, but ours is lumpier.


  3. meccano101 says:

    L.A it is a little sad that you have deliberately resorted to poor photography to make your dolphins look bad. The Melbourne dolphins have been shot head on [so to speak] hiding nothing. And as for “The sculptor seems like he knows what he is doing” – I suppose if he was deliberately trying to depict dolphins heavily engaged the pleasures of the beak, then he has indeed succeeded. But judging from the plaque I don’t think that was his intention. [Although, after reading the plaque, it is difficult to know exactly what his intention was].
    BTW are the walruses urinating?


  4. brucebrucebruce says:

    I agree Anon, the urinating takes the piece to a whole new level, I am very disappointed that I missed getting a snap of it in action. If anyone in has a pic of it in its original glory please send it in, I have never seen anything like it, except maybe at the saatchi gallery in London. But even in its current state I think it trumps your dolphins. Although it does appear as if the dolphin on the right is about to eat that little girl which, perhaps, is a little worse than eating each other.


  5. meccano101 says:

    I love the plaque:
    “if nature ceases to be abused and the salt water once again flows freely…”
    The real abuse is on the eye I’m afraid Tom Boland.


  6. Trader Horn says:

    Melbourne. you have shittiest beaches, apart from that, don’t bother. we worst. you just crap.


  7. dingo pilot says:

    I believe you have been looking for this Brucebrucebruce,
    As bad as footscray is it is a better place now it has been moved.


  8. dingo pilot says:

    Try this link for piddling dolphins if the other doesn’t work


  9. brucebrucebruce says:

    L.A – Now that the new waterworks pics have surfaced , I believe these guys take out your piddling honkies also -
    All it need now is for someone to stick two of those green shopping bags on their beaks [lets keep things environmental] to blow away king Walrus.


  10. Del Quant says:

    People, people – just like the fellating dolphins, haven’t we all at one time or another told ourselves “if this is wrong, I just don’t wanna be right…” ?


  11. hokusan says:

    Del Quant.

    dolphins SHOULD NOT be s*cking each other off in a public park.
    under ANY circumstance.


  12. DingoRob says:

    Not a day goes by that I don’t regret taking my camera with me for a Worst of Perth snap!
    What have you done to me, LA!!??

    In the walrus-vs-dolphins contest the walrus wins hands down. Not even a contest!


  13. meccano101 says:

    I’m the same Dingo and I don’t even live in Perth any more. It really is a superb blog.
    I’m a big fan of the Dolphins.


  14. yasmin bordello says:

    A fantastic post, but an official protest at the final score clearly needs to be lodged. As an ex-resident of Footscray this sculpture haunted my dreams and occasionally my waking thoughts with it’s provocative challenge to all that is civilized. On every conceivable criteria the self-pleasuring sea-creatures out-worst their counterpart in Perth. It appears the sculptor’s intent has simply been to provide a display of unabashed exhibitionism to shock and undermine the local community. Anatomical inaccuracies are overlooked as six spraying teats were positioned on the defenseless dolphin at the expense of any aesthetic and moral standards. Now they nose each other, old and barren, in a waterless park as a final indignity. The worst that can be said of the walrus is that its hat doesn’t fit and you don’t get a proper view of the eyes. I demand a rematch.


  15. meccano101 says:

    “Now they nose each other, old and barren, in a waterless park as a final indignity.”

    hehehehehehehehe. I wish I’d said that. beautifully put yasmin.


  16. Rolly says:

    #16 LA No Thanks!!!!!


  17. Pingback: Romancing The Wombat « The Worst of Perth

  18. Pingback: Lustre your blowhole « The Worst of Perth

We can handle the worst

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s