A long long time ago I pitched my brilliant idea about a toast column to an editor: a weekly interview with a Perthonality about their toaster and the way they like their toast. There are some wired toasters out there and people do the strangest things when their eyes are still gummed with sleep. But tragically the editor did not share my enthusiasm. If she had green-lighted Toast Breakfast the Walkleys would have rolled in and I might would be editor of the Times Literary Supplement by now. Instead I’m marooned in fucking Guildford and our toaster blows the fuse because it’s so choked with crumbs and the sparky yells at us in outrage when he shakes our four-slice DeLonghi over the sink.
I am prepared to suffer such indignities when our toaster regularly produces blackened treasures: Amy Winehouse popped out the morning after she died!
I am a toast reporter anyway. This crowd emailed me about their press card: “Union dues mounting? Cost of membership a burden without any real benefit? OfficialWire’s International Press Card is an affordable solution…you’ll find the OfficialWire press card a useful tool that will grant you access to your next story.” Of course that is just the right tack to take with me so I took advantage of the tremendous offer: only 45 quid a year and 35 quid a year afterwards!
I know TWOPers share my concern about homeless toasters: I saw this one in Shenton Park. I showed it my press card and said I was there to get its story and it said:
From a factory deep I burned with hate,
And I lunched on old disgusting crusts froze.
Vegemite and quince paste caused me strife,
I woke to black smoke under a laminated sign.
When I died they found in me a ferret with no nose.
The Worst of Perth 
Best ever Outrage Sunday.
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Cheers – really? I preferred the graffiti and bong graveyard (NO OFFENCE.)
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This Outrage Sunday is the best yet, the slow burn, the crusty exterior, the vicissitudes of the banal quotidian, the humungous nescafe smokers bucket.
Its all happening
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Yay, first toast post (no offence).
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bah, post first post toast post.
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Roast boast.
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Toast post boast hosed by host!
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Does it work?, Anyway talking about applicanes my Oven broke last night so we went to my Nans house and used hers to finish cooking Apple Pie.
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I heard your Nan’s oven can cook a mean tubesteak or three
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Go Away, Whats a Tubesteak by the way is it like a Regular Steak?
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Oh I googled it,You cook a tubesteak on a BBQ that an oven because its a Hotdog you Idiot!
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7 comments in a row. Dude, are you OK?
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Yes,Sorrry About That
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http://jesustoasters.com/
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Thanks for the link, Very Strange Website
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Awful. Back to black.
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vair amusing.
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A toast to your post DFOC.
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A savagely lyrical meditation on toasters, toast and MEAA fees, whose ruminative bathos is wincefully deepened by images of despoiled items including rudely charred bread; and a citrus squeezer (used to extract life-giving morning juice? or bitter juice of limes for soul-eating Saturday night mojitos?) arrayed, together with bowls and a queasily symmetrical yet unidentifiable metal utensil, in artlessly careful fashion on the base of a crumbed sink whose circularity evokes the terminal ennui of Guildford weekends.
These and the closing shot of an expectantly white toaster of apparently generic styling and Asian mass produced heritage, sound in appearance but apparently rooted and abandoned outside its western suburbs kitchen, lead the viewer to ponder (inter alia!) “Are European brands such as DeLonghi a better long term buy despite their higher price tag?”. Bravo that journalist!
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And yet…after identifying the queasy utensil as an ice-cream scoop, the reader questions whether this gerbalist subconsciously mourns the damage done to his craft by the News of the World scandal and if the meta-owner Rupert Murdoch has left the trade feeling “crumby” and then makes the connection between the morning deadline of the quotidian toaster vis-a-vs the placement of the scoop and reflects if the gerbalist realises it’s “washed-up” placement is a metaphor for his own placement in his profession, while knowing the sweetness implicit in the scoop has been scarified by the sour in the engorged citrus squeezer and wonders if the gerbalist is futilely resorting to cliche of the “square sponge in the round hole” of the sink(ing) domestic tableaux…and yet…
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You really miss being union heavyweight don’t you?
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Dumbest thing you ever did was give him the password to mod his own comments.
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Your press card is a fraud…how dare you mix up Helvetica with Arial, for shame! (Never mind the obvious paste job, just wanted to be facetious, Deefock).
I hate cheap toasters…someone once presented me with a CNN (not the news station, but as an acronym for “Cheap ‘N’ Nasty) toaster, which lasted only several weeks before the plastic outer casing began to warp…urgh.
I have a Sunbeam Café Series, which is a contender for possibly the best toaster around: cast aluminium and stainless steel that weighs a tonnes, evenly cooked toast, a spot-on crumpet function and replaceable elements, should you ever need to replace them. And to top it off, a spring-loaded and damped pop-out crumb tray that Audi would be proud of (just so long as they don’t become a a barbecue that seats four).
And yes Outrage, you should empty the crumb tray on a regular basis. I hope you’ve learned your lesson :)
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Just use the grill on the kitchen cooker: Better toast, less expense.
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If you’re rustling up a Vegemite, tomato and cheese toastie when you’ve got the munchies, I agree with that.
But I have one of those modern ovens that has the grill integrated into the oven (albeit with a fan-forced au gratin function, which is great for baked vegies and rhubarb crumbles), so there’s a fair bit of fartarsing about in doing that each morning. When I’m scurrying along in the dark of morning wanting a couple of slices of toast cooking while I slurp down my Weetbix or porridge, ready so I butter them up hot once I’ve downed my cereal, I’l value convenience every time…the Café Series has the most consistent browning this side of a decent oven grill.
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Oh, that’s where Amy Winehouse turned up…I believe she was cremated.
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How do you register for this thing anyway?
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What instrument of sexual torture, lurks inside your sink?
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At least I now know where to find the nipple-clamps, when in Cloverdale?
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What setting is that toaster on – nigger?
All it be turning out is Al Jolson and pre-1980 Michael Jacksons. Fo shizz.
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