The Rapist

Since the million hits will come in the next few weeks, perhaps now is the time to open up for suggestions for a venue/date  for celebration. I’m thinking that I’ll just go to the pub, and if anyone else cares to be there for a whle so be it. If they don’t, I’ll mutter into my beer and leave. How about Jacksons Hotel, or the Guildford? Whoops no. How about The Baysie, Inglewood? Bar 399? While you’re thinking, a submission from Bendito listing the jobs available in last Saturday’s West. therapist

And there has been a lot of interest in my Malaysian Singaporean tweets lately. Let me expand one into a full news story. Now there’s something worthy of a media award!

The Malaysian Government has confirmed that no charges will be laid against a man who for 20 years organised secret “urination parties” to the Johore River, near to the intakes for fresh water piped to Singapore.The man named in documents as Tiang Cheng, has been leading groups of up to 50 locals to the location, just upstream from the Johore reservoir since 1990. Mr Cheng claims to have been inspired by hearing his father exclaim “This one’s for you Lee!” while relieving himself on the riverbank in the 1970’s. “I see it as a tribute to my father,” said Mr Cheng. “He was always against Singaporean arrogance.” Although out of respect for his father, Mr Cheng always draws the line at urination, he claimed that some members of the group “used other methods.”

Khoo Teng Chye, Chief Executive of PUB, Singapore’s national water agency,said that most Singaporeans would not be surprised to hear of the practice, but should not be alarmed, as Malaysian water had always received “extra levels” of treatment.

Singapore’s agreement with Malaysia to import water via the Johore reservoir runs until 2061.

And if you missed the other stories…

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Singapore “The Perth of Asia” – Forbes. The China edition of Forbes magazine has labelled Singapore as the Perthiest Asian City, ahead of B…

 

Singapore Govt slams “Perth of Asia” tag. A description of the Lion City in Forbes Magazine as “Like Perth but with slightly more Asians” has…

 

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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34 Responses to The Rapist

  1. skink says:

    at the suggestion of some supercilious twat who was bleating on about how exciting the new small bar scene is, mrs skink and I did a trawl of the new hip and trendy spots that have opened during the time we were occupied with parturition.

    Helvetica is good, except for an excess of male hair product and the occasional braying stockbroker

    Andaluz was not quite sure what it wants to be: seems to have inherited furniture from a cafe in Benidorm, a hotel foyer and a Scottish country pub. Nice octopus.

    Wolfe Lane is so pretentious it hurts: drinks were expensive and poorly served, acoustics were terrible, and the smart set seemed to have moved on and left behind some wannabes in uncomfortable footwear.

    1907: just the appearance of the door staff gave us the shits at a hundred paces, so we kept walking.

    Ezra Pound was great – even the affectation of serving drinks in jam jars did not put us off. Made me nostalgic for my yoof. Need to return much later in a much greater state of world-weariness.

    399 is great, even if the building is rather uninspiring. Great wine list, excellent service and Monty Python playing in the gents. It would be my choice for an evening, and may even prompt the missus and me to break cover.

    Try and comandeer the little courtyard out the back, since the booths are not conducive to a large group (or can the entire sphincter elite fit around one table?)

    Like

    • 399 used to be a Chinese pinball place that I used to frequent.

      Like

    • shazza says:

      The only joint listed above I have even heard of is 1907, and you didn’t go in. I am obviously too far up my ivory dildo to make any suggestions.

      Like

    • Bento says:

      The booth design at 399 is absolutely atrocious. The service, beer and wine list are excellent. The bog music is certainly the highlight.

      The old Jackson’s site would be perfect – a few verge tables (it’s bring out your dead month in the Shire of Kalamunda – plenty of crap scattered around High Wycombe), beaucoup Howling Wolves, perhaps order some takeaway from the Peking Restaurant whose bog was a previous feature? Sounds delightful.

      Like

    • Paracleet says:

      My wallet is still in counselling after assault & battery at Helvetica.

      Like

  2. David Cohen says:

    Where did that come from?

    Are you trying to take over the mantle of the Beaufort Street Bloggers?

    You haven’t even turned plate into a verb, a la Broadfield.

    Like

  3. skink says:

    I have shaved my head and am affecting a squint.

    note the Python reference

    the last post was in fact written by Daniel Hatch, but I am taking credit for it

    Like

  4. Orbea says:

    The Malaysia Singapore pissing incident is timely.

    The State Guvmint are looking at relaxing the rules for recreational use of drinking water catchments.

    Soon Terry Fuckwit from Pinjarra will be on his jetski, shitting in Serpentine Dam, dumping corpses to fish for marron and then blaming the greenies for increasing the price of drinking water.

    Like

  5. ljuke says:

    Will the Tafecuntz be coming?

    I’m thinking I might just go down the park with a few longnecks and if anyone shows up, great. If not, I’ll just cry onto my shoes and then see if I can drink whilst hanging upside-down from the swings.

    Like

  6. ChaingeDaile says:

    Just like to point out for ‘Coraline’ fans the position of ‘OTHER RAPIST’ on botom line of employment advert :)

    Like

  7. Couple of good pieces in the West today, Julie Hosking attempting to be the new Pamm Cassellllas, writes an acre of text on how raodhouse food is bad. I also liked the breaking news “Newspaper deliverer turns 90.”

    Like

    • WAtching says:

      Saw that one TLA and i am ashamed to say i read it in its entireity. Also ashamed to say i had an opinion on it. I do believe i am going mushy in my dotage.

      Think i’ll go for a pint with CVC

      Like

  8. ChaingeDaile says:

    It was 97 actually.. i like the sentence in that story ‘he has a work wthic that would put men 30 years his junior to shame’… what, 67 year olds?? yeah bunch of lazy cunts they is.

    Like

  9. skink says:

    there is also a job as ‘Troller’

    we get a few of them here

    Like

  10. Paracleet says:

    There is also a “Practitioner”. Presumably what they practise is based entirely on the whim of the day.

    Like

  11. curious says:

    archeol – i know a few of those.

    Like

  12. NVL_II says:

    Ezra Pound is great.

    Bar 399 – characterless. A cider was $22.

    Ezra – longnecks in paper bags, tinnies, and jars.

    I also used to frequent the games arcade where 399 is now – it was called “Spectrum Amusements”.

    The whitey ratio was off the chain.

    Like

  13. NVL_II says:

    I remember both those pinnies being there.

    The big crowds were the asians battling each-other at street-fighter. It would get pretty intense on occassion…

    They also had those random mah-jong type games, that seemed to all end up with really pixelated picture a nude chick on the screen, if you played long enough.

    Also – I noticed today that “Orbit” has finally closed (its last bit above off ya tree) – that was THE LAST VIDEO GAMES ARCADE in the Perth CBD….

    Like

  14. Pam Mosellas says:

    Hello dearies! Just letting you know that as of today my pussy shuts up shop for good! My last day at the dear old West. They’re throwing a lovely party for me in the canteen later with crabsticks at cost price and warm reisling in a bowl.

    I heard dear old Paul Nurry mumbling something about a crazy old bag, so it sounds like I will be getting a litttle prezzie. Apparently in a crazy old bag. But that’s just how wacky I am!

    And to my lovely little friend Daniel Hatch. No hard feelings dearie. You can’t blame a girl for trying. I think if i had been given a few more years and a palette or two more of moselle, i could have lured you back to our team. Like I did for John Doust when the dearie was writing those lovely columns with us.

    And I’m so sad that my dearest dearie of them all Michele Phillips has already gone. It was so flatttering that you wrote the same fucking columns as I did week in week out. Anyway, the public never tired of hearing how wacky men and women are and how funny husbands and pets are too, so there was always room for both of us saying how wacky men were and how different the wacky things that men did were different from the wacky things women did and how wacky cats were vis a vis the wackiness of dogs.

    Bye bye, dearies, BYE! Bye, bye bye! Don’t worry, you’ll still see me beavering about the place from time to time! Bye, bye…

    Like

  15. Pingback: Weekend Worstoff 79 « The Worst of Perth

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