Dead Souls

Why are you being so stingy?”, Sobakevich demanded. “It’s cheap at the price. A rogue would cheat you, sell you some worthless rubbish instead of souls, but mine are as juicy as ripe nuts, all picked—they are all either craftsmen or sturdy peasants.” Dead Souls – Gogol

Whenever I get a submission from Bento, no matter how outre or even obscene the content, he always signs off with, “Should you have any queries, or wish to discuss the matter further, please do not hesitate to contact the undersigned.” Which I think is lovely. Yes, I definitely do wish to discuss  further the idea that Rockingham should have a crime fighting (or should that be crime retardant) penguin. There is no subject I would be more eager to discuss further with the undersigned. I assume Oscar will be undertaking Colin Barnett’s new bong confiscation project Bento?

Gogol wrote Dead Souls as the work that would redeem Mother Russia. Who is to write Rockingham’s Dead Souls? Tim fucking Winton? Who is to be Rockingham’s  Chichikov? Mark fucking McGowan?  The most remarkable thing is that if you substituted Rockingham for backwater Russia, the novel makes even more sense. The second most remarkable thing is that I’m not even drunk while preparing this!

Russia! Russia! Rockingham! Rockingham! I see you now, from my wondrous, beautiful past I behold you! How wretched, dispersed, and uncomfortable everything is about you…

Oscar is dead by now, right Bento?

penguin

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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121 Responses to Dead Souls

  1. monkeypants says:

    hmmm, interesting because the only penguin i know of who has anything to do with crime is this one and he is not best known for his crime fighting abilities

    Like

  2. shazza says:

    That penguin is my dad….

    I note they are introducing a “new mascot”. I wonder what happened to the last one?

    Like

    • Snuff says:

      Might not have been as smart as this one, whom I’m sure you remember, shaz.

      Like

    • skink says:

      I believe the last one mascot eaten by Tosh, the organised crime shark.

      Tosh – Tell O’Callahan to Screw Himself

      Like

      • Haven’t had ay fine words from Clag O’Calamty lately. Maybe this will bring him out of Fort Apache.

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        • skink says:

          you possibly did not see the news last night

          Barnett made a tit of himself regarding his bong laws, by saying that the new possession limit of ten grams was ‘equivalent to ten to twenty of those…what do you call them..”

          ‘joints?’

          “that’s it”

          been trying to find the video of it.

          Karlo was interviewed saying how very happy he was that Barney is giving him unrestricted powers to stop and search anyone, or enter any premises he likes, without the need to even suggest he has reasonable suspicion.

          good on Tom Percy for coming out with the necessary ‘it’s like the fucking Gestapo’ quotes

          hopefully this will be the catalyst to this country getting a Bill of Rights

          Like

          • curious says:

            aussie, karl is in fine fettle, looking forward to fortress perth.

            Like

          • Slanderer says:

            Did I hear correctly (ABC radio news this morning) that Labor are supporting it and suggesting that it does not go far enough?

            Like

            • curious says:

              i do believe eric the ripper was saying somethng like that on the 7pm news yesterday. obviously it’s perceived as a vote winner.

              Like

              • curious says:

                or even ‘something’ like that.

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                • Slanderer says:

                  By-election in Willagee, anyone?

                  Like

                  • Frank Calabrese says:

                    Willagee is safe as houses hence the “support”, but he qualifies that support in The West though.

                    Opposition Leader Eric Ripper said Labor had proposed similar laws in weapons legislation which had not been supported by the Government. He said checks were needed to support the powers and Parliament should have the right to veto regulations sought by the Commissioner.

                    http://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/-/wa/6196145/police-search-laws-cop-civil-rights-lobby-flak/

                    Quite different from Crazy Colins boots and all approach, but disappointing, yet understandable response from Labor considering the grief they would’ve copped from the Rattlers etc if they outright opposed it, as well from the WA Police Union, who are basically the CFMEU in a blue uniform :-)

                    Like

                    • skink says:

                      so what you ae saying is that he is a spineless weasel who does exactly what the police and talkback radio tell him to do, regardless of conscience or principle? No different than Barney, then, except that he might know what a joint is.

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                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      No, it’s called damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I don’t like it one bit, bu I do understand it politically, especially in a place like Perth.

                      Oh and stories like this.

                      Like

                    • Bento says:

                      Don’t let him off the hook so easily Frank. Ripper is a spineless poll-watcher, and this is a bullshit sellout of all principles.

                      There are already plenty of laws which enable the police to take action against people who are disorderly, violent, carrying weapons, selling drugs, or whatever. All the police have to do is show reasonable grounds for suspicion.

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      I know that, you know that, but try telling that to the Kath & Kims who hang off EVERY word of Beaumont, Sattler & Co and Dr Karl etc.

                      If Labor had stuck to their prinicples and opposed it, you would’ve seen the Libs win by a 10 seat majority.

                      That I’m afraid is the political reality.

                      Like

                    • skink says:

                      whatever happened to those 500 officers that Barney promised?

                      I don’t see the Laura Norder media brigade holding him accountable to that, or to any of his other bullshit election promises.

                      all it shows is laziness, on behalf of the pollies and the media. The media are happy to have the police media department write their stories for them and create a climate of fear.

                      Get rid of the Police media office, and make the police directly accountable to the electorate. I am sick of seeing coppers making their own statements in the media, as if they have some say in policy. They enforce the law, they do not make it.

                      Like

                    • Cookster says:

                      Jesus, I hope you don’t get pulled over for speeding today Skink…

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      And note Dr Karl’s Media bugle is none other than former Ch 7 & 9 CCrime Reporter Neil Poh, and another bugle is Ch 10 Crime Reporter (and lawyer (he studied externally) Rex Haw. Oh and one of Dr Karl’s colleagues at Curtin FM Peter Newman was Bob Falconer’s Media adviser as well, plus another well known media media identity and one time National Party candidate Ian Haselby also is in the inner circle of police Meeja.

                      Like

                    • Bill O'Slatter says:

                      Political reality pig’s arse Frank. Barney and Dripper are the kind of spineless wonders who allow the police to put police in police state.

                      Like

                    • curious says:

                      no frank, it’s called selling out.

                      i would pay good money to see a politician actually stand up for something that is right.

                      but i guess my money is safe.

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      And be massacred in the following election.

                      Like

                    • Bento says:

                      What’s the point in winning elections if you don’t stand for anything?

                      Like

                    • curious says:

                      exactly bento.

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                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      Promising the world is one thing, delivering in a political reality is another thing altogether.

                      Two words why:

                      Matthew Butcher.

                      Like

                    • skink says:

                      but only because the pollies allow the police to control the stories, and are too gutless to take on the coppers, and the media are to lazy to mount any real investigations.

                      Boris Johnson took on the coppers in London. I am no fan of Johnson, but at least he showed that he had a pair.

                      It would be quite easy for the Government to just sack Karlo, and get in a new Chief. The previous one was more open minded, but did not have the political backing to make the reforms he wanted and to get rid of the redneck rump that still runs the force.

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      If that was the case, then why are the Greens only winning lower house seats in By-Elections instead of in a General Election ? :-)

                      Like

                    • CB One says:

                      Bigger golden handshake when you finally lose?

                      Like

                    • shazza says:

                      You funny idealists. It’s all about the glory.
                      Nicki had it, than TLA had it all at his house, and now Barnett has it and Ripper wants it. It’s all about the glory I tells ya.

                      Like

          • Bento says:

            My initial reaction to unrestricted stop & search powers was much the same as yours, skink. But on reflection, I find the idea of being patted down at the Swinging Pig by a penguin a little intriguing, to say the least.

            Like

          • phreestyle says:

            Colon knows nothing about cannabis, but wants to change the related laws anyway.

            And, presumably, this is all aimed at combatting the cannabis fuelled crime epidemic. Mars Bars will be free to walk the streets again, and the bean bag will finally become desirable for the non-stoner.

            Better ban rollie papers too Colon, some of us are traditionalists.

            Like

          • Frank Calabrese says:

            Skink,

            Here is the Video from our ABC of Crazy Colin having difficulty in mentioning the J word :-)

            http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2009/10/11/2710952.htm

            Like

  3. Vic Demised says:

    There was Percy Penguin once (cue Frank for links), but he allegedly had illicit drugs issues himself, even before he was supplanted by the obese feline.

    Like

    • Snuff says:

      I still think TWOP should have a caption competition for this, Vic.

      Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      According to the WA TV History site (and Peter Harries excellent thesis on WA TV, Percy was originally given life by Tod Johnston’s father, Kevan, who I doubt would be a partaker of non legal pharmaceuticals, though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was during Todd McKenney’s time in the suit that the alleged pharmaceuticals were consumed, though I do know from a former second cousin in law, that when she portrayed a baby penquin during a Miss West Coast final ( I do hope they play the footage on Friday Night’s TVW special) ol Percy was quite drunk and apparently vomited in the suit before the performance.

      Like

  4. WAtching says:

    Dear TLA
    I used to like your blog
    It was funny
    Now you wankers have upset all the bns apologists and they all ran away.
    Would you mind going to the top paddock and opening the gate.

    Or perhaps you could talk about the plan to move Muresk to Bentley. What a crackpot plan. The soil type is comple tely wrong for cattle and beef. It is much better for AWOL/FIFO and FOWF stickers…

    Cattle and wheat grow well at Muresk alongside a smattering of obvious metaphors.

    Perhaps we can stand side by side with our country cousins on this one?

    Like

    • My employment situation does not allow me to comment on Curtin Muresk situation. I am now apparently less funny but three times more popular. How worst is that?

      Like

      • skink says:

        I think it is a comedians’ version of ‘Animal Farm’

        unpopular, laconic and snarky stand-up comedian attempts to disturb the established order, but slowly changes to resemble those he replaced.

        At some point he becomes so popular, and so unfunny, as to become indistinguishable from Daryl Somers

        Like

      • WAtching says:

        Not Worst. Don’t flatter yourself.
        I probably should comment on the post.
        I think Rockinham have nailed it with this one.
        They’ve created a safer community and added much needed vibrancy in onr fell swoop. It is reminscent of the highly successful Captain Cleanup program. Kudos to Rockingham.
        You WAnkers shouldn’t sit around and snigger.

        Like

        • At least Cleanup has some kind of getaway vehicle. Oscar has no chance. No need to keep on topic.

          Like

        • Bento says:

          Hello, I would like to hire a superhero costume… What do you mean you have no superhero costumes?… Oh, Spring in the Valley. Right… Umm… Police uniform?… What about some sort of vicious animal?… No, more vicious than that… No lion?… Eagle?… Oh. Fucken Spring in the Valley. Just give me the fucken penguin, then.

          Like

    • Rolly says:

      WA-tching///////

      Has undertones of tWAt Chong…….

      Like

  5. WAtching says:

    There are huge risks moving an Ag college to Perth.
    What if their Round Up resistant strains of RM Williams stickers cross pollinate with our local FIFO/FOWF strains. Or even worse… Mike Ward

    Like

  6. Cookster says:

    I knew this would happen. Has Tealou got something to do with this?

    McDonald’s names a burger after her son and all of a sudden there’s a crime fighting penguin sharing my son’s name… coincidence? I think not!

    BTW, I met Harry Connick Jnr in Glass restaurant at the Sydney Hilton last Friday morning. I was tempted to do something hilarious with Vegemite, but opted to buy him a wheatgrass shooter instead.

    Like

  7. Cookster says:

    Well, lucky me, it’s the Skink & Bento show. Three product placements, but only one paying customer.

    If I’m getting the big dollars Bento, then you must be living in a cardboard box?

    Like

  8. Rolly says:

    Own up, please.

    Who’s got the keys to the fucking hermitage?

    I need them right now.

    Like

  9. Bento says:

    TLA – I must congratulate you on taking a picture of a crime retardant penguin, and turning into a treatise on Russian intellectualism. Bravo, sir.

    Like

    • Rockingham intelectualism. Haven’t had any other Dead Souls fans so far today. It is a wonderful and often hilarious book. Gogol went crazy afterwards, and a religious nutjob convinced him to burn his work, but most of Dead Souls was saved.

      Like

  10. Bento says:

    It will no doubt mark me as a philistine if I say my first thought was of Nine Inch Nails. Not only did I not think of Gogol, I did not even think of Joy Division. For shame.

    Like

  11. Rolly says:

    Crime

    Reduction

    And

    Prevention

    Would probably be more appropriate

    Why one would want target the under 8 year olds in a crime prevention operation seems just a little strange.

    Getting them early is one thing, but………..

    Like

  12. shazza says:

    “I wrote this before Bento and Frank….”

    Fuck it, I can’t parent and do TWOP. The kids have to go.

    Like

  13. skink says:

    I hear that the penguin has been issued with a taser

    if any of the little kiddies start getting lippy, then under the new legislation the penguin has the power to zap the little bastards

    Like

    • Cimbali says:

      Those piezoelectric mozzie bite zapper things are quite a good taser alternative on the very young skink. You can conceal it in your hand and they don’t even know what’s hit them!

      Like

    • Bento says:

      Note to Rockingham kiddies – as an official crime retardant penguin, OSCAR is a public officer for the purposes of mandatory sentencing legislation. Pulling his flipper will unavoidably land you in the Big House for 6 months.

      Like

  14. And there’s nearly 100 comments and I’m like Meh. Whatever. I don’t get out of bed for less than 150 comments.

    Like

  15. my ning says:

    Dear P Nurry

    Arguably the biggest problem facing Mark McGowan’s mooted “premiership” is the weight of expectations placed on his shoulders.

    The downside to building up everyone’s hopes too high is that the time eventually arrives when many more people will realise that he is a complete tool.

    You need look no further than the time he was the opposition spokesman for local government (circa 1998) to see what a total whitewash this clown actually is.

    Had McGowan been a character in Dead Souls, no doubt even the ever resourceful Chickikov would have been totally dumbfounded as to how how to fleece this idiot of the rights to the dead Rockingham peasants who, no doubt, passed away from sheer bordom after sitting in on a few council meetings when this wet rag of a politician was a local alderman.

    And now, thanks to the piss poor leadership of the Labor Party, which has somehow deteriorated to even further incompetent lows post the Carpenter reign, McGowan is expected to bring law and order to this fair coastal hamlet.

    A measureness of McGowan’s hollowness was the way he threw his hat in the leadership ring before the stench of Carpenter’s rotting carcus started to fill the halls of parliament.

    Sure the Labor Party is desperate – anyone would be with the goofy Ripper at the helm. But to even entertain the idea that McGowan is leadership material is the product of a demented mind that doesn’t even have a drug induced sense of humour to go with it.

    I was going to quote a few passages from Hansard here to build up the word count, but for the life of me I can’t find anything McGowan has said in parliament quote worthy – not even when I’m being paid 80 cents a word!

    To hell with it – I’ll cut to the end.

    People of good faith would wish Mr McGowan well in reaching his peaceful aims of making Rockingham crime free.

    But even soaring rhetoric in this case would be prefeable to what this bonehead has to offer – which is nothing short of uninspirational aspirations.

    Like

  16. Finally someone who has read Dead Souls. The regional dumbarses of Russia are “so Rockingham” that the book is uncanny. The petty politics, the stupidity, the bad fashion. The colour of the sea at Rockingham is also the exact shade of “The flame and smoke of Navarino.

    Like

    • Chainge Daile says:

      Russian peasants have southern cross tattoos and have the model car they drive emblazoned accross said car in ten inch letters?

      Like

      • Paul Nurry says:

        Troikas. The make of their troikas in big letters at first blush.

        Like

        • Chainge Daile says:

          Wife Beaters and Stubby shorts are an international costume of social superiority.

          Like

        • Snuff says:

          Rockingham, are you not speeding along like a fiery and matchless troika?

          Like

          • David Cohen says:

            Fair suck of the sauce bottle, Snuff…

            If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing Rockingham and the rest of Perth cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?

            And not forgetting…

            In the winter of 1934, the agronomists of Rockingham sowed flax on the snow — exactly as McGowan had ordered. The seeds expanded, grew mouldy and died. The vast fields stayed empty throughout the year. McGowan of course couldn’t call the snow a kulak or himself an idiot. He accused the agronomists of being kulaks and distorting his technology. And the agronomists were sent to Siberia.

            Like

      • Bento says:

        And tattoos of Ursa Minor, presumably.

        Like

        • Chainge Daile says:

          “there is no word so perk and quick, which bursts from the heart with such spontaneity, which seethes and bubbles with such vitality, as the aptly spoken Rockingham word”
          The word in question being ‘export’ or perhaps ‘centrelink’.
          I really can’t comment, being a permanent resident of BunVegas.

          Like

  17. my ning says:

    Mr LA – don’t forget the fact that the mere mention of McGowan or Rockingham will make every vein in one’s body shudder with revulsion….also, at the end of book one, Chickikov was undone by malicious gossip – if only McGowan was interesting enough to gossip about….

    Like

  18. Hughie says:

    It’s been too long since I’ve read a My Ning effort…

    Like

  19. Cookster says:

    TLA – just identified a kick arse opportunity for you to flog a few Bunbury of the North tees:

    http://bit.ly/1f4Zxp

    Like

  20. “…everywhere in Rockingham was the same as everywhere else, except that in the tavern, the nymph in the oil painting over the fire had such enormous breasts that the reader cannot possibly have seen anything like it before…”
    Dead Souls

    Like

    • I hope that these quotes will get a few readers turned to Dead Souls. Outrage, surely you have read this hilarious masterpiece?

      Like

      • Snuff says:

        I don’t know why I’ve never gotten around to it, TLA, but I will on your recommendation.

        Anyone else who wants to download it, (it’s tiny, and free), can do so here from Project Gutenberg.

        Like

        • The tragedy of the writing of the book is so very interesting too, with the religious nutjob almost suceeding in getting Gogol to burn it. I think he starved himself to death on religious grounds. The Penguin edition is good because of the foreword. It bridges the gap between some of the burnt bits which are lost. And just substitute Rockingham for Town N.

          Like

      • David Cohen says:

        Natch, TLA. Lermontov, Turgenev, Gogol, Babel – the old Russians are the original funsters.

        As much as I like them all, I believe you can’t ignore the Gulag. Now there’s a yarn of epic proportions.

        Like

  21. Frank Calabrese says:

    And Crazy Colin’s crackdown on Graffiti will also affect legitimate art students as well.

    http://blogs.abc.net.au/wa/2009/10/under-18s-artists-or-criminals.html#more

    Like

  22. I like the story about Rockingham police officer’s ear being ripped off. Where was this penguin?
    http://click.email.watoday.com.au/?qs=b7e5b52c89588b363bd92afba2ffc4963212eec496c28dcba586bbfae696cd1b

    Like

    • Jaidyn-Jaxxon says:

      ‘During this conversation the man got aggressive and spat saliva onto the shirt of one of the officers.’ Definitely saliva then? Not ‘a quantity of fluid’?

      Like

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  25. The Legend 101 says:

    LOL this is funny and I love the penguin.

    Like

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