Bidet as it may…

I know we Perth people are not particularly “bidet savvy”, hey, I don’t think we’ve even gotten the washing hands thing going yet, however what I now know about bidets is that you always check the hot tap settings BEFORE you use one. I believe it is traditional for travellers to turn off the cold and set the hot tap to boiling when they leave a hotel. This combined with inexperienced aiming, can result in roasted chestnuts. Enough said.

Bathroom, Shangrila Hotel, Dalian, North China. Thanks again poxy proxy Meccano.

The Worst of Perth on Tour XX


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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21 Responses to Bidet as it may…

  1. Anonymous Perthon says:

    The bidet is just a joke foisted on us by a more humorous and developed culture – I mean look at the tap set have you ever seen anything more suggestively humorous?


  2. David Cohen says:

    Is there a small sculpted bust on the drain? Or is it a trick of the light?


  3. Return of the Crackpots says:

    The image in my head of a Lazy Aussie having troubles with a bidet is a very funny one must say!! They’re a clever lot those Chinese – do they calculate displacement and flush in syncronicity if you want to go tandem style?


  4. Bento says:

    David – I think you’re right! Is it the face of Jesus in a bidet drain???


  5. The Lazy Aussie says:

    Wow,, you are right it IS Jesus! No wait, It’s Che isn’t it.


  6. The Lazy Aussie says:

    Crackpots, do you lie back on it, or is the style more like you’re on the starting blocks for a sprint? Also, you don’t flush paper down the bidet, so do you take your wet arse back to toilet 1?


  7. skink says:

    the face in the drain looks more like Bruce Ruxton to me, and that’s probably where he belongs


  8. Enter the Crackpots! says:

    All they need is a long drop and you’d have the matching set!! Hope you’re practising your floaters – can you lay something in the shape of the Aussie flag in there? A few stars from the Southern cross perhaps?


  9. Russell says:

    So, that’s where you are – I was picturing you in some grimy hovel unable to sleep because of the tubercular hacking cough of your dormitory neighbours, and remembering this:

    “I don’t know, but sometimes people are unaware that we live in a utopia here in Perth compared to the vast majority of people on the planet.”

    Only to find you posting a picture that’s hard to look at because of the glare of porcelain and marble! And complaining of hot water! when I lived in China (OK, a long time ago) you had ONE thermos of hot water to wash with.

    Wuhan might toughen you up though.


  10. cimbali says:

    I reckon voluntarily boiling your buttocks of a morning would toughen you up a fair bit. It sounds like something the spartans would do, although they would probably then run outside to roll them (the buttocks) about in the snow.
    LA surely the pictured towel hanging next to the bidet is for gently patting your scalded arse dry?
    I think the face is a bas relief of Chopper Reed.


  11. Revenge of the Crackpots! says:

    Theres something in this for the 100m at Beijing I think. A row of bidets lined up might just get a few world records rocketing out of the blocks if the temperature was high enough!! Wasnt the 2004 World Toilet conference held in Beijing? They’ve come a long way russell….


  12. Bento says:

    To be honest, my first thought was Laurence Fishburne, but that didn’t really make any sense. Why would the likeness of Laurence Fishburne appear in a bidet drain?

    Jesus, on the other hand…


  13. Ljuke says:

    Fools! That’s clearly Isaac Hayes. He gonna clean all your crevices so good.


  14. Heh, heh. Russell, I meant the locals. Foregners have utopias laid on wherever they go. It’s even worse than that, there was some problem with my room, so I was upraded to a suite which was without joking, larger than my house, with 2 giant TV’s, and several rooms. I only found out just before checking out that I had another bathroom and bidet. It was a place a vsiting ambassador wouldn’t turn their nose up at. They kept delivering golfing magazines.

    Wuhan only standard good hotel room.


  15. Nettie says:

    You know, I will *never* understand bidets. Maybe once you’ve used one it gets clearer but from here they look complicated, awkward and not exactly reliable.

    However, the image of Jesus in a bidet. That I get!


  16. The Intellectual Bogan says:

    For those not already aware, you’re supposed to straddle it facing the wall.

    And I thought it might be Kurt Russell.


  17. Anonymous Perthon says:

    Actually if I could correct a few people here, the right way to use a bidet is to put your left foot on the base at the back, index finger on the tap set, raise your right arm turn three times and extend your right leg into the air. Repeat as necessary.


  18. Thanks anon. I didn’t think that wall facing advice was right.


  19. Kat Black says:

    “It is generally understood that the user should sit on a bidet facing the tap and nozzle to clean the genitalia, or with their back to the tap and wall to clean the anus.” – wikipedia, so it must be true.


  20. mazarina says:

    so much to learn!


  21. Gravatar working Maz! It was your email address. Lower case only.


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