The Case of The Vanishing Dead

A puzzling worst from David Cohen. As he points out, why shouldn’t we know how many smoking deaths there were in 2006? Or perhaps the numbers didn’t fit with “official” expectations. Perhaps smokers increased their life expectancy during 2006 and the numbers were running backwards? A conspiracy is at play here. I want answers and I want deaths. A sinister sign in Subiaco.

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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39 Responses to The Case of The Vanishing Dead

  1. David Cohen says:

    Cheers LA. I admire and respect your immediate consideration of conspiracy. I had been lamely thinking they were trying to conserve power during Teh Gas Crisis.


  2. So they knew there would be a gas crisis in 2006 David? Another conspiracy I think. (Or as Paul nurry would say, “methinks”).
    Perhaps the most sensible thing would to have had “This year’s smoking deaths” so it wouldn’t become redundant so quickly.


  3. CK says:

    Well at least there’s one thing we know for sure – Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.


  4. Cookster says:

    They’ve moved on – the issue of the day is now trans-fatty acids. Evil fucking stuff that is too.

    TLA, maybe you could offer to host a digital death toll right here on TWOP?


  5. Cookster says:

    Fyi, apologies for straying off topic, but I got called a ‘pinko’ by some bloke called Ian Campbell (no, not that one) on Malcolm Turnbull’s facebook page. Go figure!


  6. I thought you were more of a Menzies man.


  7. skink says:

    I believe that they have taken all the dead to Subi oval and they put them in the stands during Dockers games to make the place look busy.


  8. CK says:

    Aaaarrrgghh! Zombies!


  9. Groucho says:

    They lost count when the Toll had to include passive smokers


  10. I think it should count the number of times Paul Murray has said “At first blush” since 2006. I think it might need another zero though.


  11. No Cookster smoking is still teh evil in the epidemiology world.
    It beats all other known methods hands down : dictators , environmental pollutants , cars , naturally occurring heart disease and cancers . One in two of the smoketards will die of it .My friends the health promotion people at the Heart foundation and the Cancer council have fallen down on their jobs. Trans Fats. are a minor issue compared to smoking.


  12. Cookster says:

    @ Skink… and the crowd is just so much more animated at West Coast games? The clickity-click of 35,000 pairs of knitting needles?


  13. David Cohen says:

    I emailed the Cancer Council with a please-explain this morning, but no reply so far. Keep you informed…


  14. CK says:

    Fucking outrage.


  15. skink says:

    @12 Cookster

    so easy to get a rise out of Dockers fans: so simple-minded that they assume that anyone who finds the Dockers amusing must be an Eagles fan.

    both sets of fans are an embarrassment, but only to themselves

    the evil of two lessers


  16. Groucho says:

    Dockers amusing ??? I thought it was more of a “pity” thing. I hear they are going to bring Big Brother in for motivational talks before the game, during the game and when the players get home.

    Nevertheless, it has been an exceptional year for all non WCE fans, exceptional.


  17. Cookster says:

    @ Skink

    A “simple-mided embarrassment” no less… Rather a harsh generalisation don’t you think?

    Okay, I assumed you were an Eagles fan, apologies, but in this two horse town it’s rare that insults come from any other quarter.

    The chardy set does love to bait us purple mob, but when you bite back they display about as much sense of humour as a Ukranian prison guard.

    Spending 11 years as a Dockers fan in Melbourne was a far more cosmopolitan experience.


  18. Cookster says:

    @ Groucho. Case in point.


  19. The Dockers are un Australian. It’s an experiment that just hasn’t worked. Time to end the embarrassment.


  20. Cookster says:

    You’ve had your morning ‘rise’ as Gordon Ramsay so eloquently put it.


  21. Cookster says:

    @ 19 – LA, speaking of football, were you finally able to open the Subiaco poo disaster MPEGs?


  22. I haven’t had time. I have just remembered I can’t host video directly either. I have to embed youtube. Do you have youtube account? If so I will embed from there. otherwise I’ll have to put on my own youtube.


  23. Groucho says:

    @19 … or relocate the team to Success


  24. Cookster says:

    I’m fairly 1337 savvy, but have never had much time to dabble in you tube. Happy for you to put them up if that’s easy enough for you to do?

    Fyi, the postman just turned up with a parcel of chocolates a mate sent me while travelling in NZ – Pineapple Lumps, Jet Planes and Cadbury Creme Brulee. ‘Kin choice bro! Lumps?


  25. THAT’s the first sensible solution i’ve heard Grouch. Then merge them with Peel.


  26. Groucho says:

    ….merge or integrate ?


  27. skink says:

    a two horse town? – typical oval ball myopia.

    Leaving aside the fact that the two AFL teams are from separate cities, something I would have thought a Freo person would have been very pedantic about, there is another purple mob here in Perth, a team with something more in their trophy cabinet than cobwebs and Peter Bell’s jockstrap.


  28. Groucho says:

    So if you merged Peel and Dockers what would the team be called ?….. Chooks ?


  29. David Cohen says:

    Email in from the clock people:

    Hi David

    The National Heart Foundation is currently in the process of exploring options for repair of the death clock.


    Susan Stewart
    Manager, Make Smoking History
    Tobacco Programs
    The Cancer Council Western Australia
    46 Ventnor Avenue
    West Perth WA 6005


  30. Did you give them the link to hurry them up? Shame will get them moving.


  31. #28 The Peckers. merge, then deregister the next year.


  32. Snuff says:

    Good score, Cookster. But no Peanut Slab ?


  33. Cookster says:

    @ Snuff – Nah bro… not innuf room in thu chully bun thus trip.


  34. Vic Demised says:

    FACTOID: Smokers don’t get colds. Their frequent inhalation of cigarette smoke coats their lungs in a gently protective layer of tar, which not even the nastiest viruses can penetrate.

    ANOTHER FACTOID: Nicotine-addicted rats perform 15 % better than their non-addict peers on concentration and memory tests.

    Swings and roundabouts? We smokers live shorter, but more fulfilllng lives.


  35. Paracleet says:

    “Exploring options” to repair the clock? What are they going to do? Put it out to tender? Are the potential repairers ISO 9000 acredited?
    Surely the options include, and are restricted to, calling the digital display repair guy and then him fixing it…


  36. CK says:

    Actually, para, as a former spin paramedic, I can assure you that the mysterious continent of Options really does exist.

    Oh yes, I have done the exploration. And a unique and terrifying experience it was.

    Pithy helmet, Dr Stangelove I presume, and a copy of Kipling in my vestments.

    The horror. The horror.


  37. CK says:

    By which I mean: “The West. The West.”


  38. Snuff says:

    Should they replace the lacky band and get it running again, I don’t want to seem unsympathetic, but 2006 ?

    Might it not be more effective for them to display the results of some predictive modelling, interspersed with flashing neon – “Yes, you !”


  39. Yeah well Snuff , Vic Demised’s name is a result of predictive modelling. Yeh an Vic you can get your rats to do that , mine are’nt as clever., they just eat.


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