Outrage Sunday Nein

This city gets sicker. It’s a mistake to think you’ve seen everything as a reporter. I’ve witnessed junkies dead for four days in brown Fremantle units; 50-year-old councillors square off by a rose garden; a woman in Nollamara try to breast-feed her dog; the burnt books at the Claremont library.

But something I saw last night shocked me. If I was TL 101 I would’ve thought, ‘What the hell?’ I was at dinner in Northbridge and talk was of, among other things, Rising Water. Eyes flashed, and there were snickers.

These…people are staging a play about a Koondoola teenager who blinds six dolphins with a bike pump. The kid, high one night on glue, is fascinated to read about the sexual habits of the creatures. He starts hanging out at Atlantis, cleaning their stables. But things go pear-shaped when he sits next to his father in a brothel near Bobbi’s. After learning the public prosecutor refuses to try dolphins in the Swan River for pack rape he goes to the water near the casino and commits his unspeakable crime. This masterpiece is to be called Dolphuus.

I felt my Mongolian scallops rising. The sinister dramaturges showed me napkins on which they had written bits of dialogue: ‘And Spankus begat Spunkus the Great, who was the greatest graffiti artist on Angove Street. And Dickwad begat Tightwad. And John Lennon begat John Waters, the King of Spit. And Dolphuus spoke out of his blow-hole.’

They claimed John Howard has already signed to play Dyson, the old counselor fart who tries to cure the boy. They said John has already advised on the production issues of a marine stage. They claimed it will have its premiere at…the Dolphin Theatre. A Black Swan production.

It was too much. I reeled out of the restaurant and up the street into Lux – where the men’s toilet looked as though a dolphin had given birth.

Later I wept over unnecessary quotation marks.

This entry was posted in Uncatetorisable worsts, worst animal, worst language, worst of the worst, worst people, worst sign, worst theatre, worst toilet and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Outrage Sunday Nein

  1. Equus with dolphins could also be called Porpuus.


  2. sharon says:



  3. Rebalehan says:

    Oh, “wine”…
    I get it.
    Hang on, no I don’t


  4. Rebalehan says:

    Good use of a cone to protect the Bluebird Muumuu from marauding choppers


  5. Russell Wolfe's Lovechild says:

    What a verdant swathe of kikuyu under that folding Hills hoist. If only Perth had migrating wilderbeast herds or at least a few gnus that could make use of this winter bounty.


  6. vegan says:

    on the absinthe again?


  7. The Legend 101 says:

    N.I.N.E spells 9 not Nein., If you people didnt know


    • Rebalehan says:

      Nein, ist es nicht


      • Bag O'Turnips says:

        A subtle reference to Channel Nine (Nein), methinks, for that’s a nationwide Worst in of itself, with all the shenanigans of the previous ownerships of Eva Presser’s Sunraysia Television and Bond Corporation of STW9 and Flapper, etc. giving it a distinct WA Worst flavour.


        • Bag O'Turnips says:

          Where’s Frank Calabrese when you need him on matters relating to either local media or the WA division of the ALP?


          • rottobloggo says:

            I fear he BAND us after couchette…


            • Bag O'Turnips says:

              I missed all the hoopla about this, as I was quite ill with bronchitis at the time and could barely even concentrate, much less do much else than sit upright and listen to music to pass the sickly days away until I got better…as much as this image may have been questionable of taste, I respect the reasons why you put it up. I did enjoy reading the thoughts of all the commenters, and their differing perspectives on the image, which has become something of a poser in the way of moral ambiguity and the question of relativism, which of course predictably would have incited the ire of those though of good intention, have an inflexible, sometimes binary approach to questions of morality…I come not to criticise these people who see things in those terms, but it’s not how I look at issues that can get mired in controversy myself.

              There are lots of angles and facets that may be discomfiting and one would sometimes do well not to personalise them, while not necessarily abandoning their moral perspective; doing so only stirs up unnecessary resentment and anger, which ultimately is moot. If they want to change the world, they can let it begin with themselves and if their example transplants to others by osmosis, then well and good, bur one should never expect other to fully comply with their own moral code. Even what we presume to be norms that are supposedly sacrosanct are not necessarily so; when those who maintain those rigid views have the misfortune of finding themselves embroiled in a compromising situation that would otherwise find Others being burned under the magnifying glass of their morality suddenly realise that they too would beg for understanding and ability see all the shades of grey, not mention all the colours, between the black-and-white views they’ve now found themselves hostage to.

              We could only speculate what the backstory was and it’s just that: pure speculation; likely scenarios, but none of us here really know, or should pretend to in the absence of this knowledge. Sometimes I wonder if there’s no room for some readers of this blog to consider the dimension of pathos—which this image, in my opinion, is laden with—when examining Worsts…it’s not all cheap laughs here in TWOP, and I for one can appreciate the pathos of certain posts that might appear on the surface to be nothing more that of a cheap laugh. But at the seat of many things one may find uproarious is often something quite pitiful. Take for example the whole “Cash Twon” running gag…I too have laughed at the misspelt and obviously amateurish signwriting, many laffs had. But it’s quite likely that the store was set up by some newly-arrived immigrants, armed with not much more than a few dollars and a burning entrepreneurial spirit that can catch flame in this country of opportunity, probably with a low level of English competency, ergo the “Twon” and “we [sic] sale household goods”. A likely backstory, yes, and one that could earn my sympathy. But that’s just that, a guess. And thus I can see the humour in that, albeit one with much pathos underscoring it.

              Pathos and humour are not mutually exclusive: Ancient Greek authors had done well in this line, after all. Humour doesn’t have to result in a light hearted chuckle, nor must one be compelled to bear some guilt without feeling like we are having a laugh at the protagonist’s expense, while we realise too that we would act differently if we were faced with the same scenario before our eyes ourselves. Wryly looking at the foibles and tragedies that people find themselves can inform us to be cognisant of our own behaviours, opinions and insights, rather than just casting stones at the afflicted, or question the morality of the agent, though no participant in the situation it must be stressed, who sheds light on these sad tableaux. That’s what a journalist does and though I find the image somewhat confronting, I do not think Outrage has crossed the line as such.


              • You are wise in the ways of valiants and bathos. Those two fuckers would kick arse in any venn diagram.


                • Bag O'Turnips says:

                  Especially if the Valiants were either one still quixotically kept alive forty years on despite being pretty much yellow sticker worthy and riddled with terminal tinworm, or one (excuse the pun) valiantly restored to be in better condition than how it rolled out of Tonsley Park a similar time ago…both type of owner would be worthy of both sympathy and ridicule in equally measure.

                  Add another circle of pathos to that of bathos and a Chrysler Valiant to the venn diagram, the owner would be the centre of it.


      • The Legend 101 says:



  8. Poor lisa says:

    Outrage! All is forgiven.


  9. Saltysuzy says:

    At least bare feet would be justifiable at opening night of Dolphinuus.


  10. Paul W. says:

    This could inspire an expansion of the Rottnest curse.


  11. rottobloggo says:

    My sources say the Dolphuus poster will seek inspiration from this:



  12. Trisha says:

    I got an unnecessary quotation marks photo at the Royal Show one year ;) It was about Equine Influenza, the reason there were no horses that year.


  13. rottobloggo says:

    Oh shit: killer dolphins on way. They seek revenge! We are doomed. Goodbye cruel dolphin-blinding world.



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