Vacu-tard

She’s been a bad girl.
She’s like a chemical.
Though you try to stop it,
she’s like a narcotic.
You wanna torture her.
You wanna talk to her.
All the things you bought for her,
putting up your temperature.
Pump it up until you can feel it.
Pump it up when you don’t really need it.
Elvis Costello

Hokusan sent me one of the most extraordinary ads I’ve ever seen. I had to check it wasn’t a hoax. It’s a machine designed to reduce cellulite by encasing your body (and a treadmill) in a slight vacuum. I don’t know my physiology or physics, but I would have thought it would expand your arse. Put a balloon in below atmospheric pressure and see what happens. Apparently this doesn’t happen, and a reduction can be expected. I didn’t see any medical testimonials though. I would also have thought the reduction in pressure would increase the risk of some kind of “blowback”. Hokusan added the picture he assumed would be on the screen.

vacuvacuwdvacuopraPump it up!

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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23 Responses to Vacu-tard

  1. sigga says:

    This is how the Darleks were created..

    Like

  2. David Cohen says:

    Isn’t that Charlotte from Sex and the City?

    Like

  3. Golden1 says:

    Why does she need gloves?

    Like

  4. shazza says:

    I don’t find this contraption to be remarkable. When your’e a woman you become desensitised to all the crap peddled with promises of weight loss, wrinkle erasion blah, blah, blah.

    What is of interest however is that strangely erotic photo on the screen. It reads Oprah Winfrey. I’m not sure of it is Oprah but what a behind!!!! That pic is begging for a porn title.

    Like

  5. skink says:

    I just made the mistake of typing ‘rectal prolapse’ into Google image search

    not pretty

    Like

    • satay steve says:

      How the hell do you make a “mistake” like that!

      Unless you’re Frank and you were trying to type perths worst anal or something and its a typo…

      Like

  6. The biggest problem with this is that you can’t fold it up and put it under the bed.

    Like

  7. shazza says:

    In that case I assume (pun intended) there is already a porn title.

    Like

  8. Shreiking wombat says:

    She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.

    Like

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