My Twitter suggestions of “100 Perth things to do before you die” seems fairly popular. Non Twitterers can add suggestions here.
So far…
Spill wine on Verity James’ rack. (Most popular so far.)
Blacklist Patti Chong,
Wax Barra’s back,
Fill cracks in Greg Pearce’s face
Grease Russel Woolfe
Spend 3 hours catching a Dolphin Fish on light tackle. Then throw it in the bin in Rockingham
Remake The Big Chill with the music of V Capri & Basil Zempilas as Jeff Goldblum
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The Asia Beat
The Worst of Perth 
Someone has ticked the Verity’s rack task as completed. Sheraton wine awards late 90s apparently.
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Go to the bell tower (or ferris wheel) and complain about the entry price then leave without going in.
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Stay at home with the plasma screen and Bali DVDs, never get out to live culture performances, be totally ignorant of the existence of “underground” venues like… The Blue Room… (wtf?!), and then bitch about the lack of arts or vibrancy in Perth.
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BYO Beer Festival
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Get arrested at the Old Shanghai food hall for having a beer without a meal, while a nodded out junkie sleeps unmolested at the next table.
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You did that?
I had a beer without a meal at The Moon once. Got away with it.
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Just die.( Hat tep Be-not).
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create a blog in an unfamiliar language
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Wear shoes while attending Murdoch University.
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Tell underground water aquifers to “toughen the fuck up”. Especially that pussy the Gnangara Mound.
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Fuck me this is stupid – an aquifer that toughens up is no longer an aquifer but an aquitard or in extreme examples an aquiclude. Shove that in your reticulation system
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If a so called “mound” can’t take us watering our roll on lawn, then it can just fuck off. Wait, it has fucked off.
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I take it this one is now ‘ticked off’?
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From Mike Hopkin on Twitter
Catch swine flu from eastern states. Stand facing afternoon onshore breeze in erroneous belief it has medicinal powers
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Leave chardonnay bottle on Bon Scott’s grave.
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Laugh like a drain when a cafe asks for more than $4 for a take-away flat white…
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Watch the comedy that results from a Perth TV “personality” visiting a Zen garden.
“I’m feeling the peace , the bliss overcomin me, an the rocks an nat , it truly is a bong on moment ” This is part of their training prior to the celebrity boxing.
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Punch Colin Barnett in the vagina.
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pith on Heath Ledger’th plinth
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Via Chris Pudney Twitter
No. 13 Execute a hook turn at the corner of William St. and St. George’s Tce.
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Have a carefree afternoon in Murray St Mall, be entertained by talented street performers, marvel at the cleanliness, eat some delicious food, breathe the fresh air, be inspired by the architecture, feel free to mingle with the locals.
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When you have had enough of Perth’s best, wander down to the Lucky Shag for a few cheap beers and excellent food served by English speaking natives. Then return to Murray St via a cruise through the park stopping by to chat with the inhabitants and share a few drinks. BYO of course!
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Talk to the driver while the Burswood Tram is in motion.
Be ignored by Myer shop-assistants.
Get a hand-job from a prossie in Hyde Park.
Get stabbed in Northbridge.
Ride the train almost to Mandurah.
Count teen mums at Kwinana hub.
Buy bathtub speed from a Gypsy Joker.
Get stabbed on the Armadale Line.
Punch a private school kid in Claremont.
Go to the Western Derby – WA team guaranteed to win.
Be underwhelmed by a Fremantle busker.
Stab a tourist.
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Number 5 is a perfect sentence. I wish I’d said that.
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Attend opening night of theatre in best jeans and untucked shirt.
Fend off cigarette cadging street person while walking to work.
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Bore people stupid by lamenting the cottesloe pylon.
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See Keith from Fat Cat at the OBH (Osborne Park Hotel) TAB every single time you go there..
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I’m sure he says the same thing about you.
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I still can’t (and don’t want to) get past Variety’s rack especially in the Bailey’s fertiliser TV advert
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do one lap of the revolving restaurant and say: “is that all there is? fifty thousand bungalows in every direction?””
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set fire to a recently heritage-listed pub
or King’s Park
set a world record for stacking up a 14 story apartment block down near the causeway
design yr own foreshore redevelopment plan
(I know there’s a theme here)
mug a jogger in Hyde Park
plant 32 palm trees in the front yard of your Ballajura house
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Spend a fortune on a rendered brick wall across your front boundary. Watch it turn brown to waist height.
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Run from a booze bus and go for a swim
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Streak through an A grade cricket match at Lilac Hill.
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Wahey! Tick!
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employ a design consultant for your next tag
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moan about Perth’s isolation
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Write a Perth foreshore masterplan
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perineum beat me to it. soz
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Moan about what a back-water Perth is, leave to live OS/interstate, then realise it’s not that bad and return..again, and again.
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leave glib comments on a blog
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wonder why the perth tram is a truck
Gaze fondly at Paul Murray’s manly bearing
Marvel at the mental health Care-in-the-Community success story that is Graham Jacobs
bemoan the good-old days in pubs before Pam Beggs ruined it all
drive a car and complain about all the traffic
read the West, look for another newspaper, read the West again
visit Hillary’s boat harbour – lose the will to live
moon the entire population of Perth from Exchange Plaza during the Skyshow
go nang crazy in Nedlands
run over livestock while on the Variety Club Bash
sniff a seat recently vacated by a liberals member
play pool in the Hydey (seriously)
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Dude nangs in Nedlands is pretty insane.
also nangs at Curtin, bongs at Murdoch, joints at ECU and hit the goon at Yew-Dub. if you can do it in that exact order you get a gold star. i promise.
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where r the nangs in nedlands? Or anywhere else for that matter?
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Get lobbied by Brian and Julian.
Pass on rumours about the Claremont serial killer.
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have your tits screwed off by NCB
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Believe Halden Burns when they deny rumours that Peter Newman’s wig reserved its own condominium at North Port Quay
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And sell your soul by appearing on a North Port Quay advertisement.
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Urinate in a Guildford street after Spring in the Valley.
Set up a restaurant and have corkage, cakeage and a no-split-bills policy.
Complain TWOP isn’t as funny as it used to be.
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Listen to Howard Sattler and consider it Quality Journalism.
Watch Today Tonight and agree with above.
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Forward the Barbie Dolls especially for the WA market email without trying to dream up a new example (Rottnest Barbie? Canning Vale Barbie? Gero Barbie?)
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Complain about lack of local voices in arts, but don’t go see local theatre or plays.
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Yes. That I can dig.
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Experience a frisson of terror opening a bottle of wine on the foreshore.
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Use the word “Dullsville”.
Drink a Swan Brewery product in a park.
Boast that you saw John Butler play before he was famous.
Get kicked out of the casino.
Romanticise living in Freo, despite the fact that your house has been burgled eight times in the last six weeks.
Admire a friend’s V8 Holden in a McDonald’s car park.
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tell people you live in Freo when you really live in Coolbellup
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tell people you live in Coolbellup when you really live in Freo
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I can almost tick this one, cheers.
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Get thrown out of Sexpo for having an erection.
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Correction: have an erection at Sexpo.
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Get a *visible* erection at Sexpo — and you are a woman.
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Get excited about the grand opening of Harbourtown.
Firmly believe that an economic cycle consists of boom-boom.
Pronounce “Subi Centro” “Subi Chentro” with an Italian hard-C to put some more distance between it and Centro Galleria. (which sounds more Italian and has more Italians in and near it).
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correction: Harbourtown is pronounced “Horrortown” in recognition of all the good work George A Romero has done to promote outlet shopping. And school holidays the zombies come out to play…
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zing.
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Have your baby in a private hospital because you’re worried you might have to share a room with an Aboriginal woman if you go to King Eddy.
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Or Swan Districts Hospital or Armadale-Kelmscott for the same reason, and add a Bogan single mum to the mix.
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Rave about week-old stale Krispy Kreme donuts brought back by a friend who went to Sydney.
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Enjoy a sumptuous smorgasbord dinner in the Miss Mauds Hotel restaurant, retire to your cosily appointed Swedish style room, then arise to enjoy a sumptous smorgasbord breakfast in the Miss Mauds Hotel restaurant.
Do 80 in the right hand lanes of the Kwinana Freeway.
Talk about the great times you shared with Hugh Jackman/Heath Ledger/Little Birdy/Megan Gale before they were famous.
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Scoop Editor in Chief – if you’re reading this, please employ Poor Lisa.
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Watch the Dockers play in a final … any final.
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Now you’re just being silly
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Insist that Western Derbys are equivalent to a Grand Final.
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Go to a Kalamunda community consultation workshop on long overdue art and cultural centre and listen to people worry about the yet to be built toilets – size, position and lockability ” it only takes one or two vandals you know”
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It’s not only Kalamunda, it’s prevalent in the Shires of Mundaring and Swan as well – bunch of arty-farty Nimby feral Greens :-)
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You left out us Freo peeps Frank.
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And it will get worse that now you Fremantle People have a Greens Member of Parlaiment :-) Lobbying to force all Fremantle Eating Establishments to serve Tofu Burgers and Mung Beans :-)
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Spend a night of unprecedented luxury and class at the Observation City complex.
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Hang on. If you’re in Perth, wouldn’t dying be redundant ?
Leave.
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Snuff I thought you had a change of identity on TWOP today. Gazza the Gasman at #2 on the Tankmaster Chronicles had me fooled.
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Nope, shaz. Always just little ol’ me here. I was waylaid by one of those pesky “justify your exorbitant salary” days. TGIF night. Cheers.
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Fuck them, Snuff: don’t they know who you are. We hope you told them “Good riddance.”
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Nope, DFOC. The mask and cape are still working a treat. I told them “Good riddance”, but those masters of svenkage just politely bowed, and bade me a very good riddance, too.
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Leave bag in airport labelled ‘bomb’ to test capabilities of security.
Leave Perth $3000 poorer as a result of previous activity.
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Buy something electrical from a Perth store and own it for twelve months with a single warranty claim.
Better still…. just buy two of everything.
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Fuck me, I am slower than a frozen sloth.
That should be…..own it for twelve months WITHOUT a single warranty claim.
Ha! like that is going to happen
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Or even worse, have the item break down a few days/weeks AFTER the Warrenty Period finishes.
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Use Naltrexone to clean coins.
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Order a tank from Tankmaster without the extras.
No electric trees, no dodgy dogs, no totem poles, no pesky photographers, no shit fences, no blog ratings, no excess signage, no …..look, just forget it ok!
I am going to Tankworld.
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run a fertility clinic for desperate couples and show a picture of your eight children facing said desperate couples. Cunt.
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Make Naltrexone the new Dexamphetamine at your next party.
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Shh, or else you’ll give Dr George O’Neil crazy ideas for funding his program.
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Be able to get a Bunnings staff member to meet your eye when you need help.
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Join a blog and complain about your avatar
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Rthyme “Wanjina” with vagina.
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He he he!
When Meccano was here in Perth he was trying to make me order an orangina from the french patisserie with the same pronunciation. Luckily they were out of stock and I didn’t have to go through with it.
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Seem to be less Wan -jinas painted lateley.
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The middle-class whities have graduated from Mt Lawley TAFE. Moved into advertising so one day they can get ads on PMFM, and Gruen
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Compare everything unfavourably with Melbourne.
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Via Winebybrad on twitter.
http://www.winebybrad.com.au
Sabotage a Freo busker’s fire-juggling performance (ensure you have bucket of water handy).
Meet an Australian-born taxi driver.
Swim with sharks. At Cottesloe, not Hilary’s.
Go to The Rock nightclub in Northbridge and NOT start a fight.
Punch a bikie in the face. (Best to save this for No. 100 on your list).
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punch eddie withnell in the vagina
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project movies on John Quigley’s head
ring up 6PR talkback and tell them you’ve just eaten you own foot
Go to the pool, do 30 laps and a gym session, then go to kiosk and order burger and chips with mayo
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Take the “L” out of lover.
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heaven must be there, well its just got to be there
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Become rich from rutile mining, but still snigger every time you say rutile.
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Move away from Perth because you hate it so much and read TWOP daily because you miss Perth so much. Snuff that is for you. (if there was TWOP when I lived away I wouldn’t have had to come back)
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Thanks, poor lisa. Your defensiveness, however, is as unnecessary as it is understandable. I’ve always lived where I’ve wanted to because I’ve wanted to, never because I’ve hated some other place. Nor do I read TWOP daily because I miss Perth. It’s one of the many sites I read for a laugh, and because I like the people who hang around here.
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Might have to make this 1000 Perth things…Already exceeding 100.
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refuse to go to Margaret River because its ‘just so crowded these days’
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A forward thinking decision TLA, I felt like counting but couldn’t be bothered.
Apathy can be defeated if we all just try.
My question is….what happens to TWOP when you are OS?
Does Skink or Bento inherit the power or will you use an internet to control the madness?
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I have programmed all next week’s posts, as TWOP is blocked in China. I should be able to proxy some access, but comment moderation, or if you have to be rescued from the spam bin may take a little longer than usual.
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Sort of like Automated Radio Shifts (Hello Commercial Music Stations post 6pm)
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Skink is too beautiful for this world. I’m not sure he could “handle the truth” that is TWOP moderation. Bento maybe could, but I’m hoping proxies will allow me to subvert Chinese firewall.
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Get married by Yorkie.
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Damn, too late to be in the competition. That’s a hot one.
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Get married TO Rose Porteous.
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Buy a shit mansion from Willie Porteous.
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Try and get yourself booted out of every Northbridge establishment
Try and find a Club X that doesn’t smell like spunk
Go and laugh at the stupid teenagers outside Central Park
Smoke yourself to psychosis (because it’s better than Northbridge!)
Buy underage kids booze and cigarettes and charge them extra. You make a nice profit.
Start an illegal taxi business – it’s also profitable and sure as fuck beats Swan.
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Wow Aileen look at you now! I guess that anti wrinkle cream is really starting to take hold.
I mean you were starting to look a bit shabby but I suppose trawling the streets of Northbridge will do that to a girl.
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yeah it’s all that oil olay i’ve been using bro.
i just had to suck it from a straw in an alleyway with my eyes closed from this really nice old guy.
I found another to add to the list – explore all those seedy as fuck looking alleyways in Perth that no-one ever seems to go down. they are the best place to pull cones.
fuck, i can’t wait till i get to amsterdam this weekend and can sit in a park, read, drink a coffee and smoke a joint in fucking peace.
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Hey you can’t disparage our “seedy as fuck laneways”
I live next door to one and I prefer to call it
“throbbing with colour and movement”. It may be only sixty metres long but we are secretly proud of the fact if you walked it barefooted, you would die from loss of blood due to the amount of broken glass before you got halfway. There is another school of thought that suggests that your feet would be reduced to bloody stumps before halfway but that theory is yet to be proven.
On a brighter point however, it does have several nook and crannies where one can enjoy a toke or two in peace whilst enjoying the work of talented “street artistes”
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Not sure if this counts as a “100 Perth things to do before you die” thing but you would be mad not to!
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take advantage of the burswood casino free below ground child minding centre.
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drive for a whole day without ever using your flicker
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That’s pretty well normal for many Perthites.
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Watch eastern-staters scurry as they realise turning vehicles have no intention of giving way to pedestrians.
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Complain about the Xmas Pagaent being on too late for the kiddies due to Daylight Savings, then still complain when they shift it to a Sunday morning cos it looks crap without the pretty lights.
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Learn how to use a roundabout. Correctly.
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But never, not ever, put it into practice because you’ll confuse the majority of other drivers.
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Drive a car without using your mobile phone.
Don’t cross double white lines.
Use your indicator when turning.
Drive faster than 40 kph.
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Pretend that 43 Below is just like “Cheers”
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Get your best boardies on, tie an australian flag around your neck and go fookin mental at the sky show.
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Board a plane to the Gold Coast
Board a plane to Melbourne
Board a plane to Sydney
Drive 10 hours to Monkey Mia
Drive 3.5 hours to Busselton and look a swing
Drive 6 hours inland and look at a man made out of old rusted pipe
Visit Dog Rock
Visit Bruce rock
Visit two rocks
Visit Quinns Rock
Kick a rock
Drive 5 hours to Wave Rock and then drive back and board that plane
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So… you work for Tourism WA, then? Perth division?
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pick up a ho in highgate
shoot smack in a mt lawley alley
sleep in hyde park
buy nangs from hungry spot
get drunk at the Hydey
play in a band
root everyone you know and then some
get stabbed in northbridge
buy speed from bikies
owe money to gangstas
move to melbourne
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oh yeah… and never ever bother to learn how to merge in traffic at speed!!!!!!!!
perth drivers suck!
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Well if you don’t come to a complete stop, the world ends
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i dare someone to get in a bus or taxi go one stop and get out or tell them you want to be let out. Just watch the drivers reaction you dont pay.
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Dare? Have you done this TL? Would you like to?
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Done and done.
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Draw a crude representation of a penis on something, anything.
Evidently.
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as long as it isn’t actually connected to anything.
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Get dazzled by the array of hi viz at the airport when doing the pre-dawn FIFO run. Try not to collect any of the taxis that see lane selection as an option of left, right, or both. Avoid being collected by same.
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Splurge on a state-of-the-art professional tour bike complete with officially endorsed Tour de France flourescent lycra accessories and join the prestigious Tour de Perth Saturday morning paleton set as they monopolise the streets, strictly avoid cycle paths and dominate beach side cafes on mass, reveling in their resplendence and sense of self importance.
To avoid a frosty reception pre-book a full Tour de Brazilian body wax, order yourself an organic light soya latte and mention that you’ve briefly popped back to Perth while your Bordeaux villa estate residence is being renovated.
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scratch the periodic table into a train window
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Haa at 80 in the right hand lane. I feel like I’m the only one in wa who doesn’t do this …
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Have an all nighter until you get kicked out of every pub and club at midnight.
Go to Freo on a Sunday morning and enjoy the smell of fresh vomit and urine.
Live south of the river and believe everyone who lives north of the river is a douche.
Live north of the river and believe everyone who lives south of the river is a douche.
Go to any beach and get bitten by an awesome shark.
Score free sausages when some Queen visits.
Go to Harbourtown, and realise you’re the only English speaking shopper there.
Get the Sunday times for the STM and curse when it’s not there, again!
Drive from Joondalup to Mandurah.
Go through a drive thru bottle-o in Kwinana without getting mugged.
Find free legal parking in the city.
Become a teenage parent.
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Get involved in a rental bidding war for a cheap flat in Mt Lawley Highgate Maylands. Think it’s a bargain at $600 per week for a two bedroom place you proceed to time share with a ragbag assortment of FIFO housemates.
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aii i live in rocko leave it alone -_-
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Oh, alright then.
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Bow down to our reptilian leader Colin Barnett and let his demonic spawn the west Australian police force control your every move
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