100 Perth things to do before you die…

My Twitter suggestions of “100 Perth things to do before you die” seems fairly popular. Non Twitterers can add suggestions here.

So far…

Spill wine on Verity James’ rack. (Most popular so far.)

Blacklist Patti Chong,

Wax Barra’s back,

Fill cracks in Greg Pearce’s face

Grease Russel Woolfe

Spend 3 hours catching a Dolphin Fish on light tackle. Then throw it in the bin in Rockingham

Remake The Big Chill with the music of V Capri & Basil Zempilas as Jeff Goldblum

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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150 Responses to 100 Perth things to do before you die…

  1. Someone has ticked the Verity’s rack task as completed. Sheraton wine awards late 90s apparently.

    Like

  2. Ljuke says:

    Go to the bell tower (or ferris wheel) and complain about the entry price then leave without going in.

    Like

    • RubyRuby says:

      Stay at home with the plasma screen and Bali DVDs, never get out to live culture performances, be totally ignorant of the existence of “underground” venues like… The Blue Room… (wtf?!), and then bitch about the lack of arts or vibrancy in Perth.

      Like

  3. Groucho says:

    BYO Beer Festival

    Like

  4. poor lisa says:

    Get arrested at the Old Shanghai food hall for having a beer without a meal, while a nodded out junkie sleeps unmolested at the next table.

    Like

  5. Jesters Daggiesman says:

    Just die.( Hat tep Be-not).

    Like

  6. Wear shoes while attending Murdoch University.

    Like

  7. Tell underground water aquifers to “toughen the fuck up”. Especially that pussy the Gnangara Mound.

    Like

  8. From Mike Hopkin on Twitter

    Catch swine flu from eastern states. Stand facing afternoon onshore breeze in erroneous belief it has medicinal powers

    Like

  9. Leave chardonnay bottle on Bon Scott’s grave.

    Like

  10. David Cohen says:

    Laugh like a drain when a cafe asks for more than $4 for a take-away flat white…

    Like

  11. Bill O'Slatter says:

    Watch the comedy that results from a Perth TV “personality” visiting a Zen garden.
    “I’m feeling the peace , the bliss overcomin me, an the rocks an nat , it truly is a bong on moment ” This is part of their training prior to the celebrity boxing.

    Like

  12. Pierre says:

    Punch Colin Barnett in the vagina.

    Like

  13. Via Chris Pudney Twitter
    No. 13 Execute a hook turn at the corner of William St. and St. George’s Tce.

    Like

  14. Richarbl says:

    Have a carefree afternoon in Murray St Mall, be entertained by talented street performers, marvel at the cleanliness, eat some delicious food, breathe the fresh air, be inspired by the architecture, feel free to mingle with the locals.

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      When you have had enough of Perth’s best, wander down to the Lucky Shag for a few cheap beers and excellent food served by English speaking natives. Then return to Murray St via a cruise through the park stopping by to chat with the inhabitants and share a few drinks. BYO of course!

      Like

  15. 13th Oyster says:

    Talk to the driver while the Burswood Tram is in motion.

    Be ignored by Myer shop-assistants.

    Get a hand-job from a prossie in Hyde Park.

    Get stabbed in Northbridge.

    Ride the train almost to Mandurah.

    Count teen mums at Kwinana hub.

    Buy bathtub speed from a Gypsy Joker.

    Get stabbed on the Armadale Line.

    Punch a private school kid in Claremont.

    Go to the Western Derby – WA team guaranteed to win.

    Be underwhelmed by a Fremantle busker.

    Stab a tourist.

    Like

  16. phreestyle says:

    Attend opening night of theatre in best jeans and untucked shirt.

    Fend off cigarette cadging street person while walking to work.

    Like

  17. poor lisa says:

    Bore people stupid by lamenting the cottesloe pylon.

    Like

  18. Thomo says:

    See Keith from Fat Cat at the OBH (Osborne Park Hotel) TAB every single time you go there..

    Like

  19. orbea says:

    I still can’t (and don’t want to) get past Variety’s rack especially in the Bailey’s fertiliser TV advert

    Like

  20. skink says:

    do one lap of the revolving restaurant and say: “is that all there is? fifty thousand bungalows in every direction?””

    Like

  21. Perineum says:

    set fire to a recently heritage-listed pub

    or King’s Park

    set a world record for stacking up a 14 story apartment block down near the causeway

    design yr own foreshore redevelopment plan

    (I know there’s a theme here)

    mug a jogger in Hyde Park

    plant 32 palm trees in the front yard of your Ballajura house

    Like

  22. Bento says:

    Spend a fortune on a rendered brick wall across your front boundary. Watch it turn brown to waist height.

    Like

  23. Sarah says:

    Run from a booze bus and go for a swim

    Like

  24. shazza says:

    Streak through an A grade cricket match at Lilac Hill.

    Like

  25. orbea says:

    employ a design consultant for your next tag

    Like

  26. orbea says:

    moan about Perth’s isolation

    Like

  27. orbea says:

    Write a Perth foreshore masterplan

    Like

  28. shazza says:

    Moan about what a back-water Perth is, leave to live OS/interstate, then realise it’s not that bad and return..again, and again.

    Like

  29. junglejunkie says:

    leave glib comments on a blog

    Like

  30. orbea says:

    wonder why the perth tram is a truck

    Gaze fondly at Paul Murray’s manly bearing

    Marvel at the mental health Care-in-the-Community success story that is Graham Jacobs

    bemoan the good-old days in pubs before Pam Beggs ruined it all

    drive a car and complain about all the traffic

    read the West, look for another newspaper, read the West again

    visit Hillary’s boat harbour – lose the will to live

    moon the entire population of Perth from Exchange Plaza during the Skyshow

    go nang crazy in Nedlands

    run over livestock while on the Variety Club Bash

    sniff a seat recently vacated by a liberals member

    play pool in the Hydey (seriously)

    Like

    • Aileen Wuornos says:

      Dude nangs in Nedlands is pretty insane.
      also nangs at Curtin, bongs at Murdoch, joints at ECU and hit the goon at Yew-Dub. if you can do it in that exact order you get a gold star. i promise.

      Like

    • nangcrazy says:

      where r the nangs in nedlands? Or anywhere else for that matter?

      Like

  31. David Cohen says:

    Get lobbied by Brian and Julian.

    Pass on rumours about the Claremont serial killer.

    Like

  32. David Cohen says:

    Urinate in a Guildford street after Spring in the Valley.

    Set up a restaurant and have corkage, cakeage and a no-split-bills policy.

    Complain TWOP isn’t as funny as it used to be.

    Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      Listen to Howard Sattler and consider it Quality Journalism.

      Watch Today Tonight and agree with above.

      Like

  33. David Cohen says:

    Forward the Barbie Dolls especially for the WA market email without trying to dream up a new example (Rottnest Barbie? Canning Vale Barbie? Gero Barbie?)

    Like

  34. David Cohen says:

    Complain about lack of local voices in arts, but don’t go see local theatre or plays.

    Like

  35. Bento says:

    Experience a frisson of terror opening a bottle of wine on the foreshore.

    Like

  36. Ljuke says:

    Use the word “Dullsville”.

    Drink a Swan Brewery product in a park.

    Boast that you saw John Butler play before he was famous.

    Get kicked out of the casino.

    Romanticise living in Freo, despite the fact that your house has been burgled eight times in the last six weeks.

    Admire a friend’s V8 Holden in a McDonald’s car park.

    Like

  37. Get thrown out of Sexpo for having an erection.

    Like

  38. poor lisa says:

    Get excited about the grand opening of Harbourtown.

    Firmly believe that an economic cycle consists of boom-boom.

    Pronounce “Subi Centro” “Subi Chentro” with an Italian hard-C to put some more distance between it and Centro Galleria. (which sounds more Italian and has more Italians in and near it).

    Like

  39. poor lisa says:

    Have your baby in a private hospital because you’re worried you might have to share a room with an Aboriginal woman if you go to King Eddy.

    Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      Or Swan Districts Hospital or Armadale-Kelmscott for the same reason, and add a Bogan single mum to the mix.

      Like

  40. Bento says:

    Rave about week-old stale Krispy Kreme donuts brought back by a friend who went to Sydney.

    Like

  41. poor lisa says:

    Enjoy a sumptuous smorgasbord dinner in the Miss Mauds Hotel restaurant, retire to your cosily appointed Swedish style room, then arise to enjoy a sumptous smorgasbord breakfast in the Miss Mauds Hotel restaurant.

    Do 80 in the right hand lanes of the Kwinana Freeway.

    Talk about the great times you shared with Hugh Jackman/Heath Ledger/Little Birdy/Megan Gale before they were famous.

    Like

  42. Bento says:

    Scoop Editor in Chief – if you’re reading this, please employ Poor Lisa.

    Like

  43. neen says:

    Watch the Dockers play in a final … any final.

    Like

  44. shazza says:

    Insist that Western Derbys are equivalent to a Grand Final.

    Like

  45. Cimbali says:

    Go to a Kalamunda community consultation workshop on long overdue art and cultural centre and listen to people worry about the yet to be built toilets – size, position and lockability ” it only takes one or two vandals you know”

    Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      It’s not only Kalamunda, it’s prevalent in the Shires of Mundaring and Swan as well – bunch of arty-farty Nimby feral Greens :-)

      Like

      • shazza says:

        You left out us Freo peeps Frank.

        Like

        • Frank Calabrese says:

          And it will get worse that now you Fremantle People have a Greens Member of Parlaiment :-) Lobbying to force all Fremantle Eating Establishments to serve Tofu Burgers and Mung Beans :-)

          Like

  46. shazza says:

    Spend a night of unprecedented luxury and class at the Observation City complex.

    Like

  47. Snuff says:

    Hang on. If you’re in Perth, wouldn’t dying be redundant ?

    Leave.

    Like

    • shazza says:

      Snuff I thought you had a change of identity on TWOP today. Gazza the Gasman at #2 on the Tankmaster Chronicles had me fooled.

      Like

  48. phreestyle says:

    Leave bag in airport labelled ‘bomb’ to test capabilities of security.

    Leave Perth $3000 poorer as a result of previous activity.

    Like

  49. Richarbl says:

    Buy something electrical from a Perth store and own it for twelve months with a single warranty claim.

    Better still…. just buy two of everything.

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      Fuck me, I am slower than a frozen sloth.
      That should be…..own it for twelve months WITHOUT a single warranty claim.
      Ha! like that is going to happen

      Like

  50. Use Naltrexone to clean coins.

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      Order a tank from Tankmaster without the extras.

      No electric trees, no dodgy dogs, no totem poles, no pesky photographers, no shit fences, no blog ratings, no excess signage, no …..look, just forget it ok!

      I am going to Tankworld.

      Like

    • orbea says:

      run a fertility clinic for desperate couples and show a picture of your eight children facing said desperate couples. Cunt.

      Like

  51. shazza says:

    Make Naltrexone the new Dexamphetamine at your next party.

    Like

  52. Be able to get a Bunnings staff member to meet your eye when you need help.

    Like

  53. Richarbl says:

    Join a blog and complain about your avatar

    Like

  54. Rthyme “Wanjina” with vagina.

    Like

  55. Bento says:

    Compare everything unfavourably with Melbourne.

    Like

  56. Via Winebybrad on twitter.
    http://www.winebybrad.com.au

    Sabotage a Freo busker’s fire-juggling performance (ensure you have bucket of water handy).

    Meet an Australian-born taxi driver.

    Swim with sharks. At Cottesloe, not Hilary’s.

    Go to The Rock nightclub in Northbridge and NOT start a fight.

    Punch a bikie in the face. (Best to save this for No. 100 on your list).

    Like

  57. project movies on John Quigley’s head

    ring up 6PR talkback and tell them you’ve just eaten you own foot

    Go to the pool, do 30 laps and a gym session, then go to kiosk and order burger and chips with mayo

    Like

  58. Take the “L” out of lover.

    Like

  59. Become rich from rutile mining, but still snigger every time you say rutile.

    Like

  60. poor lisa says:

    Move away from Perth because you hate it so much and read TWOP daily because you miss Perth so much. Snuff that is for you. (if there was TWOP when I lived away I wouldn’t have had to come back)

    Like

    • Snuff says:

      Thanks, poor lisa. Your defensiveness, however, is as unnecessary as it is understandable. I’ve always lived where I’ve wanted to because I’ve wanted to, never because I’ve hated some other place. Nor do I read TWOP daily because I miss Perth. It’s one of the many sites I read for a laugh, and because I like the people who hang around here.

      Like

  61. Might have to make this 1000 Perth things…Already exceeding 100.

    Like

    • skink says:

      refuse to go to Margaret River because its ‘just so crowded these days’

      Like

    • Richarbl says:

      A forward thinking decision TLA, I felt like counting but couldn’t be bothered.
      Apathy can be defeated if we all just try.
      My question is….what happens to TWOP when you are OS?
      Does Skink or Bento inherit the power or will you use an internet to control the madness?

      Like

      • I have programmed all next week’s posts, as TWOP is blocked in China. I should be able to proxy some access, but comment moderation, or if you have to be rescued from the spam bin may take a little longer than usual.

        Like

      • Skink is too beautiful for this world. I’m not sure he could “handle the truth” that is TWOP moderation. Bento maybe could, but I’m hoping proxies will allow me to subvert Chinese firewall.

        Like

  62. ljuke says:

    Get married by Yorkie.

    Like

  63. Aileen Wuornos says:

    Try and get yourself booted out of every Northbridge establishment

    Try and find a Club X that doesn’t smell like spunk

    Go and laugh at the stupid teenagers outside Central Park

    Smoke yourself to psychosis (because it’s better than Northbridge!)

    Buy underage kids booze and cigarettes and charge them extra. You make a nice profit.

    Start an illegal taxi business – it’s also profitable and sure as fuck beats Swan.

    Like

    • Richarbl says:

      Wow Aileen look at you now! I guess that anti wrinkle cream is really starting to take hold.
      I mean you were starting to look a bit shabby but I suppose trawling the streets of Northbridge will do that to a girl.

      Like

      • Aileen Wuornos says:

        yeah it’s all that oil olay i’ve been using bro.

        i just had to suck it from a straw in an alleyway with my eyes closed from this really nice old guy.

        I found another to add to the list – explore all those seedy as fuck looking alleyways in Perth that no-one ever seems to go down. they are the best place to pull cones.

        fuck, i can’t wait till i get to amsterdam this weekend and can sit in a park, read, drink a coffee and smoke a joint in fucking peace.

        Like

        • Richarbl says:

          Hey you can’t disparage our “seedy as fuck laneways”
          I live next door to one and I prefer to call it
          “throbbing with colour and movement”. It may be only sixty metres long but we are secretly proud of the fact if you walked it barefooted, you would die from loss of blood due to the amount of broken glass before you got halfway. There is another school of thought that suggests that your feet would be reduced to bloody stumps before halfway but that theory is yet to be proven.
          On a brighter point however, it does have several nook and crannies where one can enjoy a toke or two in peace whilst enjoying the work of talented “street artistes”

          Like

  64. curious says:

    take advantage of the burswood casino free below ground child minding centre.

    Like

  65. skink says:

    drive for a whole day without ever using your flicker

    Like

  66. Bento says:

    Watch eastern-staters scurry as they realise turning vehicles have no intention of giving way to pedestrians.

    Like

  67. Frank Calabrese says:

    Complain about the Xmas Pagaent being on too late for the kiddies due to Daylight Savings, then still complain when they shift it to a Sunday morning cos it looks crap without the pretty lights.

    Like

  68. shazza says:

    Learn how to use a roundabout. Correctly.

    Like

    • Rolly says:

      But never, not ever, put it into practice because you’ll confuse the majority of other drivers.

      Like

      • Richarbl says:

        Drive a car without using your mobile phone.

        Don’t cross double white lines.

        Use your indicator when turning.

        Drive faster than 40 kph.

        Like

  69. Richarbl says:

    Pretend that 43 Below is just like “Cheers”

    Like

  70. stan says:

    Get your best boardies on, tie an australian flag around your neck and go fookin mental at the sky show.

    Like

  71. Crazytalk says:

    Board a plane to the Gold Coast
    Board a plane to Melbourne
    Board a plane to Sydney
    Drive 10 hours to Monkey Mia
    Drive 3.5 hours to Busselton and look a swing
    Drive 6 hours inland and look at a man made out of old rusted pipe
    Visit Dog Rock
    Visit Bruce rock
    Visit two rocks
    Visit Quinns Rock
    Kick a rock
    Drive 5 hours to Wave Rock and then drive back and board that plane

    Like

  72. PooPoo the Korruptah says:

    pick up a ho in highgate
    shoot smack in a mt lawley alley
    sleep in hyde park
    buy nangs from hungry spot
    get drunk at the Hydey
    play in a band
    root everyone you know and then some
    get stabbed in northbridge
    buy speed from bikies
    owe money to gangstas
    move to melbourne

    Like

  73. PooPoo the Korruptah says:

    oh yeah… and never ever bother to learn how to merge in traffic at speed!!!!!!!!
    perth drivers suck!

    Like

  74. The Legend 101 says:

    i dare someone to get in a bus or taxi go one stop and get out or tell them you want to be let out. Just watch the drivers reaction you dont pay.

    Like

  75. The Bartender's skills with a Manhatten says:

    Draw a crude representation of a penis on something, anything.

    Evidently.

    Like

  76. RubyRuby says:

    Get dazzled by the array of hi viz at the airport when doing the pre-dawn FIFO run. Try not to collect any of the taxis that see lane selection as an option of left, right, or both. Avoid being collected by same.

    Like

  77. Jez says:

    Splurge on a state-of-the-art professional tour bike complete with officially endorsed Tour de France flourescent lycra accessories and join the prestigious Tour de Perth Saturday morning paleton set as they monopolise the streets, strictly avoid cycle paths and dominate beach side cafes on mass, reveling in their resplendence and sense of self importance.
    To avoid a frosty reception pre-book a full Tour de Brazilian body wax, order yourself an organic light soya latte and mention that you’ve briefly popped back to Perth while your Bordeaux villa estate residence is being renovated.

    Like

  78. scratch the periodic table into a train window

    Like

  79. nikeeeel says:

    Haa at 80 in the right hand lane. I feel like I’m the only one in wa who doesn’t do this …

    Like

  80. nikeeeel says:

    Have an all nighter until you get kicked out of every pub and club at midnight.

    Go to Freo on a Sunday morning and enjoy the smell of fresh vomit and urine.

    Live south of the river and believe everyone who lives north of the river is a douche.

    Live north of the river and believe everyone who lives south of the river is a douche.

    Go to any beach and get bitten by an awesome shark.

    Score free sausages when some Queen visits.

    Go to Harbourtown, and realise you’re the only English speaking shopper there.

    Get the Sunday times for the STM and curse when it’s not there, again!

    Drive from Joondalup to Mandurah.

    Go through a drive thru bottle-o in Kwinana without getting mugged.

    Find free legal parking in the city.

    Become a teenage parent.

    Like

  81. RubyRuby says:

    Get involved in a rental bidding war for a cheap flat in Mt Lawley Highgate Maylands. Think it’s a bargain at $600 per week for a two bedroom place you proceed to time share with a ragbag assortment of FIFO housemates.

    Like

  82. rochelleisdabomb says:

    aii i live in rocko leave it alone -_-

    Like

  83. dcav says:

    Bow down to our reptilian leader Colin Barnett and let his demonic spawn the west Australian police force control your every move

    Like

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