Self Saucing

I had completely forgotten the photoshoots they did around campus a while ago, so I was quite surprised to see myself appearing on the University’s refund policy brochure. Indeed it may even be one of Smokah Frith’s shots. I was thinking of a “caption that photo contest”. Well a contest with no prizes. Kudos only. What am I saying to this young lady? Bearing in mind that I work at this institution, don’t make me xxxxxx you xxxxs. I realise I’m playing one of the Uni admin money types that poor old Jesper has such a problem with at Murdoch, so I don’t want too much svenkage from anyone.

refund

refundcu

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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133 Responses to Self Saucing

  1. Vic Demised says:

    “One more crappy effort like this, and we’ll cut the top off your head too.”

    Like

  2. sigga says:

    I know that you are new here but can’t you read???
    (all sorts of sexist, racist and other connotations can be taken from the very nasty look on your face… you are basically giving the look my God you drongo (insert racist/sexist comment) you are obviously an absolute f wit as it is there … right there.. can’t you see it??!!!)

    Like

  3. mrs stone says:

    LA can we make no reference to Jespers Rotto companion Charlene? Given her reference to the DSM on your esteemed blog i see endless possibilities here.

    Like

  4. flynn says:

    “Sir, this is a library. That’s not a wine list.”

    Like

  5. skink says:

    “do you like my new after-shave?

    it’s called Old Turd”

    Like

  6. skink says:

    “clause 6.2 of your refund agreement states: ‘in the event of a dispute the student has exactly two chances of getting their money back.’

    Now I bet you wish you had taken that language course about the Australian vernacular.”

    Like

  7. skink says:

    “where we ask on the form for the ‘Time of Withdrawal’ we were not enquiring as to when your boyfriend Jesper climbed off you, and were not expecting the answer “just in time for Australian Idol.”

    Like

    • mrs stone says:

      Angelina will have something to say about that Skink.

      I note we both garnered some negative attention from LaChong this morn.

      Like

      • skink says:

        she was trying a rather shallow ploy of pretending that her previous comments had been meant in jest when she had said something daft.

        she tied herself in knots with the Bill Maher quotes and is trying to weasel out of it

        next she’ll be pretending it wasn’t her and all a hoax.

        Like

      • skink says:

        and a rare treat indeed from Patsy.

        after one of her withering putdowns, she was obviously not satisfied at having the last word, and so returned a few hours later to add the postscript:

        “PS: and you are talking crap”

        a double serve. I am honoured.

        quality discourse

        Like

        • Bento says:

          She had at least 7 hours to think about it, if I recall correctly, and that was the best she could come up with??

          And how does she know you’re no fashionista? She seems to spend an awful lot of time thinking about you, so it wouldn’t be particularly surprising if she’s trailed you. I’m a little concerned for your wellbeing…

          Like

  8. pete says:

    If you’ll look these figures it demonstrates that, simply by removing the C, we can save 13% off Urtin’s printing costs.

    Like

    • Snuff says:

      Just on that topic, TLA; can you or anyone at Curtin confirm or deny the urban myth which went around at the time that when Curtin changed from WAIT, the proposed name was Curtin University of New Technology ? I heard there was even stationery printed up as such, which if true, would be well worth framing.

      Like

      • Slanderer says:

        I think we may have started that one in Grok at the time. Gee, you must have been our reader. I knew we had one, just could never track them down.

        Cockster’s memories of these things is usually slightly more reliable than mine. Mind you, seems he’s vanished off the ether. Have you banned him, Lazy Ossie? What did he do?

        Like

  9. skink says:

    “and if you pull a train with the university rugby team, you’re going to be urtin too.”

    Like

  10. These are all pretty damn good. Wine list. Gold.

    Robert could have given me a quick going over with the blusher brush though.

    How about,
    “Which part of beaver damming don’t you understand?”

    Like

  11. Bill O'Slatter says:

    Youse gettin some of youse money back coz we couldn’t lern u to read , well maybe some of it. Do youse want a neat t sayin ” U R Ten” ? Cost price !

    Like

  12. mrs stone says:

    “Thanks for coming in on Jespers behalf Angelina. Now, I refer you to Chapter 1 of Irony for Dummies”

    Like

  13. JimN says:

    That doesn’t look awkwardly posed at all there LA. You appear to be totally natural, discussing a point of interest with someone who doesn’t look at all bored to be there. You’ve captured the very essence of the “rigidly set up” image style.

    Like

  14. David Cohen says:

    “No, there won’t be any money shots – just sign and that $100 cold hard cash is yours.”

    Like

  15. Snuff says:

    Nice disguise, Patrick, but discrimatory language is not tolerated by this University.

    Like

  16. Snuff says:

    Certainly, madam. Refund applications may be made under this desk.

    Like

  17. Bento says:

    I know I signed it, Mr. McDonald. But I still don’t see why I have to wear a cuntkini for my tute presentation. And there really should be an apostrophe after “strippers'”.

    Like

  18. ratbag23 says:

    “Please help me, I seem to have got my finger caught in the Ring Binder.”

    Like

  19. skink says:

    “…in this part of your application you describe yourself as ‘hyper-literate’, but you don’t have to be Zoltan Kovacs to know that you should never mix your Greek and Latin roots.”

    Like

  20. David Cohen says:

    “See, it says here in the staff union agreement that we can wear trackydaks after lunch.”

    Like

  21. Bento says:

    “in-SOO-see-unt. Like I’m doing with my eyebrow. See?”

    Like

  22. Groucho says:

    “Clearly, if there was a hole right here, then we would have needed a three ringed binder”

    “If you don’t sign, I will staple your nose to the document, right here where I am pointing”

    Like

  23. David Cohen says:

    “This is Australia, so if we were drunk, you’d be writing MEAT on the fingers of one hand and HEAD on the fingers of the other.”

    Like

  24. Ljuke says:

    “Is this the man that attacked you?”

    Like

  25. Les says:

    Wah! That is fly shit! Not a full stop.

    Like

  26. steev says:

    “Double or nothing you can’t get my finger with that pen”

    Like

  27. Snuff says:

    Pull my finger. FTW !

    Like

    • Bill O'Slatter says:

      Excellent taxonomy Snuff but no mention of the death rattle. the fartszio (the smell of $8 mill going down the toilet) or the Freo.

      Like

  28. Jack says:

    “This ring binder is the only available parking spot on the entire campus”

    Like

  29. kate says:

    “Just this one finger, then. Honest, baby, it won’t hurt a bit.”

    Like

  30. Hayden says:

    “Snap!”

    Like

  31. David Cohen says:

    “For fuck’s sake, I hope they Photoshop out that bong on the chair behind me…”

    Like

    • Bento says:

      Or, “And see my hand here like this? This is where that cunt skink will photoshop in something disgusting.”

      Like

      • skink says:

        actually, it never occurred to me.

        the only thing that appears to be missing is a big Flavor Flav clock round his neck.

        Bo selecta innit

        Like

  32. David Cohen says:

    “Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not the ring binder, don’t look at the ring binder, look into my eyes. [click] You’re under!”

    Like

  33. Groucho says:

    …so funny

    Like

  34. Frank Calabrese says:

    I Was BORN a C.U.N.T. Man and I Will DIE a C.U.N.T Man – now Sign here you recalcetant (Sp) ECU WOMAN !!!!!

    Like

  35. Cimbali says:

    It is all very funny today – I can imagine you saying pretty much all of those things LA.
    It wouldn’t have been any funnier if someone made a lego animation of you.

    Like

  36. David Cohen says:

    We’ve been wasting our time all day.

    The better question is: what’s the poor student thinking?

    “If I edge my way slowly to the door it won’t provoke him.”

    Like

  37. David Cohen says:

    “There is quite often finger-pointing.”

    Like

  38. Bento says:

    And this one I call ‘The Shocker’.

    Like

  39. steev says:

    “my finger appears to be stuck, would you mind levering it away with that pen? …YOU SIGNED, I OWN YOU!”

    Like

    • mrs stone says:

      No one ever will convince me that fart jokes aren’t funny after that. I am increasingly impressed with the software.

      Award for the funniest moment though must go to the “look into my eyes” complete with magical hand wave. Brilliant.

      Like

      • skink says:

        you and poor lisa need to give Chong some stick.

        her column today is about the Matthew Johns affair, and is basically along the lines of “she was a slut, she deserved it”

        I would say something myself, but it’s really wimmin’s business, and needs your best ‘men are beasts’ invective.

        Like

        • mrs stone says:

          I have just returned from registering my fucking Outrage.

          I note she has also challenged you again to a public debate, with proceeds going to charity.

          Like

          • You two plonkers must be her only stats. Don’t Bogart the Chong.

            Like

            • mrs stone says:

              TLA, the amount of support she appears to be gathering for todays rubbish cannot go unanswered.

              Like

              • Rolly says:

                I am so very pleased to ignore her

                Like

                • mrs stone says:

                  Rolly the pinko, lefto, femmo in me cannot stand silent while La Chong incites the ignorant masses into a frenzy of metaphorical witch burning.

                  Like

              • Bill O'Slatter says:

                Her and Rattler have much in common. Expect a very crude analysis of an event from her. Sooner or later you get bored by their simple mindedness and there is no more engagement with them, They deserve all the ridicule they get.

                Like

          • Doesn’t she know the debate has already been televised via xtranormal? I hope Skink has sent the link.

            Like

            • skink says:

              I didn’t send the link. I was rather hoping that she would discover it all by herself when googling her own name, and then send me a threat of a writ.

              her second challenge to a debate may be an opportune moment to bring it to her attention.

              I suspect that with the increase in ridicule being directed her way by Crikey and Inside Cover, she is starting to worry that her media profile is slipping. She seems to adopting more and more irrational opinions in the hope of generating some traction. Her sudden conciliatory chummy tone and eagerness for a public charity debate has the whiff of desperation.

              Like

        • Frank Calabrese says:

          Skink,

          Great post comparing her comments today with that of Buswell, who has been rewarded for his indiscretion by being in charge of the State’s Finances.

          Using her logic Johns would make an ideal Liberal Party politician.

          Like

          • skink says:

            thanks

            I hope to keep he comments on that issue in circulation, just so that nobody ever again considers inviting her into politics.

            Like

            • Frank Calabrese says:

              Check out her pithy reply saying Johns wasn’t in Public office or on Television – he was an NRL IDOLISED by Children – sort of like Ben Cousins was the darling of the Eagles etc.

              She is a FUCKING HYPOCRITE – she had no qualms demonising John D’Orazio in the CCC with that “Godfather” quote – despite him being a terminal fuckwit.

              Like

              • Frank Calabrese says:

                Someone should point out to her whether she would make those same comments if the victim was below the age of consent ?

                Like

                • skink says:

                  Guy Rundle in Crikey wrote about this issue in the entertaining and insightful way that shows what a lightweight Chong is:

                  “In homoerotic sports like football, gang bangs are a way for team-members to get as close to fucking each other as they can, without having to admit the desire. The sports-besotted teenage girls they rely on as a sort of beard for male group bonding exist in some shadowy area between consent and its opposite. Yes, in legal terms, it’s usually consent. But any decent man, any mensch, would immediately assess a 19-year-old willing to lie on a motel bed and be done by half a dozen blokes furtively scoping each others’ choppers, as not really in a good place, and put her in a taxi.

                  Favourite part of the whole imbroglio? Undoubtedly the clip in the Four Corners programme about the gender issues education courses, in which dopey young footballers are introduced to the issue of consent by being asked to imagine that a man has got them drunk and then bummed them without their explicit consent. “You wouldn’t like that much would you — well imagine how a woman feels.” Fantastic. As long as they get a chance to talk about fucking each other, without really talking about it, they couldn’t be happier.”

                  Like

                  • mrs stone says:

                    It appears La Chong has banned print of any shazza mail.

                    Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      easy to get around, use a different username/email address, TWAT can’t be assed reading headers and ip addresses – ask Skink :-)

                      Like

                    • What part of “don’t bogart the Chong” don’t you people understand?

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      It’s alled giving her enough rope to hang herself.

                      She can dish out the crap, but the poor dear can’t take the criticism.

                      Like

                    • mrs stone says:

                      It was probably my argument that she doesnt want published. It seems if she cant come up with a smarmy, irrelevant response, then you can’t play.

                      Like

                  • Frank Calabrese says:

                    And did you notice the number of Women agreeing with her ?

                    Like

                    • mrs stone says:

                      Sadly a common phenomenon. It’s a psychological defense mechanism Frank. A bit like Stockholm syndrome. Identify with the agressor to protect yourself from the fearful reality that this could happen to you too.

                      Like

            • Frank Calabrese says:

              And now La Chong says she “was verballed” by the Journalist.

              Talk about Pots and Kettles.

              Like

        • Ljuke says:

          While we’re on the subject, why is it that you women need to dress like hot sluts all the time? I recently had to ARC WELD the flies on all of my trousers SHUT, just to stop myself from leaping from behind BUSHES upon unsuspecting wimen (bitchez, as I call them).

          Like

      • Bill O'Slatter says:

        Doesn’t get any funnier than the two Freos , Shazz.
        ” When my baby smiles at me I give a Freo , free at last , what a blast , ooo I gasp ….. chorus ,,,,”

        Like

      • Snuff says:

        If you liked that, mrs stone, then you and the kids will love this, the worst game ever, complete with worst sound effects.

        p.s. You don’t need to read Korean. Just mouse and click around until it makes sense. Actually … that may never happen. Enjoy.

        Like

    • David Cohen says:

      A masterpiece. I salute you.

      Like

    • Snuff says:

      Beautifully done, skink. Despite a strong field, TLA, I was certain “Pull my finger” was full of win, yet now I’m willing to concede that I may have been svenked by an hypnotic sound effect.

      Like

  40. Bedford Crackpot Fraternity says:

    “The refund hotline number is here! Dont expect a reply in a hurry, they’re usually never in, they’re always crappy as buggery and they’re complete nazi bastards!! You’ll be lucky if you hear from them in your lifetime – I’ve never got a bloody thing out of them, – they’re all totally useless pricks really, I dont even know why I’m pointing you here it’ll be a complete f*kn disaster!”

    Like

  41. skink says:

    Shazza

    it won’t be Chong blocking you , it will be their moderator. They seem to have a fairly ambivalent attitude to moderating, they maybe block one in four of my posts, but anything that is too spiteful towards Chong will get blitzed (athough there was a good one about her dressing like a clown)

    You can try different email addresses and usernames, because they don’t often check the IP address. Chong thought she was being clever by outing one of my aliases, but it took her a year to work out that you can type any old shit in there.

    so who is the swinging/whistling pig? I assumed it was a Twopper

    Generally you will be blocked for content, rather than identity. Recently they have been more lenient – one person even called Rattler a TWAT. I have several thoeries about that. Probably they are just lazy, and the amount of traffic is so small they need all the posts they can get, but I have a suspicion that Fairfax are sick of both Rattler and Chong. It is coming up to one year since they started blogging, so maybe their contracts are up for renewal. I reckon Frank is onto something: Fairfax are allowing the more contentious posts to slip through in the hope of giving them both enough rope.

    if you are incensed enough to take it further, then you can write to her editor, Roy Fleming:

    roy.fleming@fairfaxdigital.com.au

    Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      At the risk of being blocked by another Fairfaax employee – 96fm’s Gavin Millar is also defending Johns.

      http://twitter.com/gavindmiller

      Ahh Fairfax – radio for meatheads and Bogans.

      Like

      • skink says:

        Crikey also ran the story of the SMH’s technology reporter, Asher Moses, who sent out some similar Twitters about the ‘slutty groupie’ and now regrets it.

        Like

        • Frank Calabrese says:

          According to La Chong, this whole story is a Govt plot to deflect attention away from the Budget.

          Larry David

          don’t get me wrong. I do not condemn the woman for making the choice she did that night.But sometimes we have make the bed we lie in.Johns has to accept some responsibility for his boorish behaviour but to lose his job over it and have the PM come out in support of him losing his job?
          this media beat up is to deflect attention from the budget. Its called a media stimulus package….more papers to be sold.

          Patti

          someone PLEASE call Graylands and prepare Forms 1 & 3 :-)

          Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      Skink,

      Yiur last comment re Buswell has been deleted by Fleming, and no I didn’t save the text.

      I wonder if La Chong has gone sulking to Roy Boy ?

      Like

      • Frank Calabrese says:

        Scrap that, it’s back up including her reply, and she still want the debate.

        POST THE LINK !!!!!!

        Like

        • skink says:

          I posted the YouTube link.

          they put it up on WAToady.

          It took over an hour to appear, so they must have debated it for a while

          she’s calling me chicken.

          interesting to see what happens next. I’ll see how traffic goes to the video, and if she spots the other ones.

          cluck. cluck.

          Like

          • Frank Calabrese says:

            I notice their time stamp is 1 hour behind – They must have forgotten to change the timezone back after Daylight Savings ended.

            No doubt they had to pass it by Fairfax’s egal team before they could post it – Patti being a lawyer doesn’t count :-)

            Like

            • skink says:

              not sure it’s a time stamp thing. I know when I posted it, and other stuff that I posted came up before it.

              I wonder how long it will be before she mentions my balls?

              Like

              • Frank Calabrese says:

                she avoided the question re what Johns said about his Family and what La Chong said when she seperated from her Master Bates :-)

                Like

                • Frank Calabrese says:

                  Oh and now she blames the Tall Poppy Syndrome.

                  Keep Digging Peppermint Patti.

                  Like

                  • skink says:

                    she always either suggests it is tall poppy, or men threatened by women.

                    she never seems to engage other women.

                    Like

                    • mrs stone says:

                      Based on her public breast feeding stance, and now her “she asked for it” position on the Johns scandal, I suspect she is a mysoginistic female.

                      Hate the Chong!

                      Like

                    • Aileen Wuornos says:

                      I seriously, seriously hate the Chong too. I was honestly beginning to think I was probably the only person who felt that way.

                      Like

                    • shazza says:

                      Hi Aileen,
                      Just for the record, I don’t hate Patti, I was borrowing a phrase from a Seinfeld episode. IMO La Chong is too benign to generate hatred.

                      Like

                    • Aileen Wuornos says:

                      Hahha shit, that’s what I get for waking and baking without my morning television fix first!
                      I get jokes, I swear.

                      Seriously though, that article she wrote was so ridden with victim bashing and rape culture apologism I found it difficult to not at least get really, really fucking pissed off with it.

                      I would happily spit in her direction.

                      Like

                    • skink says:

                      in argument she always challenges virility, and throws out accusations of either small prick syndrome, or lack of balls.

                      I am beginning to think she has penis envy

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      Or she wishes she HAD a penis.

                      Sounds like a Transgender Howard Sattler.

                      Like

                    • Frank Calabrese says:

                      Actually make that a Transgendered Mike Ward from the Mens Confraternity.

                      Like

      • skink says:

        did it go up and then come down?

        I missed it

        one thing you can guarantee with the Chong is that she will always want the last word, whatever it is, so the more you keep her talking, the more she ties herself in knots.

        Clinton is guilty despite not being charged, but Johns is innocent because he was not charged. She will argue the primacy of the law most times, but will happily say that ‘the law is an ass’ when it suits her. And if all else fails, she will claim she was ‘verballed’, misquoted, or it was someone else pretending to be her, and then say you have a small prick, no balls, and no fashion sense, so there.

        nurse, the screens!

        Like

    • mrs stone says:

      I was careful to avoid being too inflammatory in order to get published. Perhaps my last comment that Chongs insensitivity towards the victim said a lot about her was the killer.

      Like

      • skink says:

        I saw footage of Johns on the Footy Show talking about it, and he said something along the lines of:

        “what happened to that woman was bad, but the anguish and embarrassment that it caused my family was worse.”

        sound familiar?

        Like

        • Frank Calabrese says:

          It sounds like it’s time for another Video starring La Chong and Matty Johns :-)

          And check out her latest reply to Vic’s post (note she only replied to the Patti Cake post only as the other one said almost the exact same thing).

          Like

  42. How about “And this here is what we call Svenkage.”

    I think I like Flynn’s winelist one best.

    Like

  43. artheretic says:

    I am so depressed about the demise of daylight saving that I have nothing funny to say about this photo…

    … Tintin University…

    Like

  44. LatterdayScribe says:

    “About this long.”

    Like

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