News parody suspended

Twitter news feed satirising The West was suspended after a complaint from the paper about impersonation. A pity, as it was mostly gold. Just as well the archive saved and sent to be a TWOP post. My favourites, “Ben’s hammy playing mind games” – Richmond.

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1 in 3 German homes has imprisoned daughter – Merkel.

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1. Family to Coroner – Over our dead bodies.

2. Rats of Torbruk should “Get over it.” – Minister. Comparing the fall of Torbruk to Gallipoli was laughable and an insult to memory of The Li

3. 1 in 3 German homes has imprisoned daughter – Merkel. The Josef Fritzl case has unleashed a flood of similar cases, with cellars found acros

4. “Honk if horny” sticker leads to assault. After a car honked at him for 30km a Floreat man attacked the driver, before realising he was resp

5. Sex ban drop “knee jerk reaction” Bettina Arndt. The Dockers controversial player sex ban lasted all of one match but compulsory sex not the

6. Flogging more plasmas and DVD ‘s key to Dockers revival – Rick Hart. Think LG and Panasonic not Cazaly and Lockett babbled millionaire

7. Harvey regrets Alamo example. Unaware that the Alamo defenders were slaughtered, the Dockers coach based his game plan round the gallant but

8. Mulched placenta costs marriage. A husband who mistakenly mulched a tree under which his first born’s placenta had been buried was counting

9. Tim Roberts “Erected a stadium, in my heart” Laurel Cetinic-Dorol. Millionaire developer Tim Roberts used building metaphors to win hearts s

10. Tracking device shows Bunnings staff always going opposite direction to customer needing help. Failure to make eye contact, beards, just som

11. Farmers not mentally fit for roles on council – Academic. A life on the land is no guarantee of success in local govt. Low IQs, fat hands,

12. Those not predjudiced by being at trial should be jury members – West Editor Brett McCarthy. Letters to editor writers would make excellent

13. End of building boom will slow crack cancer rates in builders, subbies – AMA. Years of exposing upper arse cracks to the sun sent melanoma

14. Sharpened baguette weapon of choice in Subi nightclub stabbings. Traces of goat and sheep cheese as well as crust shards found in the wound

15. Virgin shortage threatens cigar makers. Cigars, traditionally rolled on virgin thighs will now be produced by slappers, cost Rican and Cuban

16. Eagles blame cultural elites, Facebook for Brisbane loss.1:36 AM

17. Pine plantation full. Serial killers and car dumpers will need to find new location as Gnangara Pine Plantation declared full. Bodies, cars12:37 AM Mar 28th

18. Laurel Cetinic-Dorol – Dumb name not a factor in breakup with millionaire Roberts.11:50 PM Mar 27th

19. South Perth – “Not not Sister City with Riga”. Baltic States dignitaries were denied the keys to the city as South Perth claimed no record11:15 PM Mar 27th

20. A hearing impaired man protesting against a “deaf penalty” has been told he was actually at a protest against the death penalty. The embarra10:43 PM Mar 27th

21. “Brownian motion” now on Senator’s hit list. Turning his attention from internet censorship to physical and chemical reactions, controversia9:41 PM Mar 27th

22. No takers for Perth Rat Pack. Perth identity Basil Zempilas’ attempt to form a Rat Pack similar to Frank Sinatra’s have fallen flat with no8:17 PM Mar 27th

23. Zoo red faced as Tricia “flies the coop”. Perth zoo admitted that it has no idea where Tricia the 52yo elephant has gone. Last seen 12 days7:36 PM Mar 27th

24. Shark sighting at Cottesloe. Suspected white pointer displays “ennui” at beach sculpture exhibition.6:57 PM Mar 27th

25. Toad in bid for Northwest Council. A nomination by a recently arrived cane toad had Broome Council lawyers scurrying for their lawbooks as l6:05 PM Mar 27th

26. Yoga training experiment cancelled after top Eagles “Sniff own backsides”.1:56 PM Mar 27th

27. Foreign B.O. “Part of our history” – Heritage Council. A move to curb body odour from foreign taxi drivers was labelled cultural genocide by1:48 PM Mar 27th

28. Berets “Symptom not cause”. Jazz fans have hit back at the beret ban at Ellington’s. One member describing himself only as Flatted 5th said1:26 AM Mar 27th

29. @Eddieperfect wait, I’m writing this down, chicks, cocks, got it.1:10 AM Mar 27th  in reply to Eddieperfect

30. Cure those Summertime Blues. Win 6 Naltrexones in 6 weeks with The West and Dr. George O’Neil.1:06 AM Mar 27th

31. You say “Knob Rot” I say Naltrexone. Dr George O’Neil.1:03 AM Mar 27th

32. Gays, heroin addicts, athlete’s foot.You can’t go wrong with Naltrexone. Dr. George O’Neil1:02 AM Mar 27th

33. Gay gene triggered by Swamp Fever fever, switched off by Naltrexone. – Dr George O’Neil.12:59 AM Mar 27th

34. @Eddieperfect I’ve got a massive organ. Would it be good for songwriting? What  a huge cock?12:55 AM Mar 27th  in reply to Eddieperfect

35. Japanese negotiators “inscrutable as newts” during ore negotiations – Rio12:34 AM Mar 27th

36. Leave the berets at home! – warns club owner. Berets will be regarded as “colours” by Ellington Jazz Club management following the vicious b11:34 PM Mar 26th

37. Rai Fazio denies acting role in Two Fists one Heart. Was at family dinner with 120 witnesses. Film critics mistaken.10:17 PM Mar 26th

38. Urination only at Subi Oval. Study of toilet use during matches shows 98% only urinate. Solid waste elimination will therefore not be availa9:50 PM Mar 26th

39. French, Saunders to star in movie remake.1975 classic,Three Days of The Condor with French in the role made famous by Robert Redford and Sau8:42 PM Mar 26th

40. Kidney “cooked in pie”. Coroner calls for tougher transplant regulations. Courier drunk, hungry, unrepentant.8:13 PM Mar 26th

41. Sicilian Restaurant has connections to Sicily – Police. Subiaco’s popular Sicilian restaurant was in damage control today as police alleged7:28 PM Mar 26th

42. Chinese “Not true Asians” Barnett. WA Premier Colin Barnett invoked the ghost of Ghengis Khan, as he ascribed top Asian-ness to the Japanese6:59 PM Mar 26th

43. Daylight saving, dressing in dark, blamed for G string on backwards. A man who crashed his truck due to discomfort from backward g string to5:49 PM Mar 26th

44. Apache Energy not connected to Native American tribe – CEO. Denies wampum grab.5:19 PM Mar 26th

45. Fructose not abusive term – Banned academic pleads case.4:49 PM Mar 26th

46. Season sex ban extended to oral, anal & “other”. Dockers coach Mark Harvey amended the “pussy ban” to include Greek Spanish and even “Irish”4:22 PM Mar 26th

47. Kiwis admit accent fake. Wanted to annoy Aussies, Samoans.3:53 PM Mar 26th

48. Flautist sues venue after prank. Flute “reeked of faeces”. Forced to play excrement dipped flute for full 3 hour concert, Jane Rutter, celeb3:27 PM Mar 26th

49. Pavlich hits out at full season “pussy ban”. -Claims it should also apply to Coach & Fans. Fremantle Captain Matthew Pavlich lashed out at2:57 PM Mar 26th

50. “Pussy ban” not “Act of desperation”. Dockers coach Mark Harvey denied that a season long sex ban would cause resentment in leadership group2:33 PM Mar 26th

51. Cabbage shortage delays Korean missile launch.2:13 PM Mar 26th

52. Suit, not “root” was gift to minister. Garbled translation was behind reports that sexual favours rather than a Zegna suits were bestowed b1:58 PM Mar 26th

53. Ben’s hammy “playing mind games” – Richmond skipper.1:36 PM Mar 26th

54. @SilkCharm re: @WestAustralian I think you are @bronwen. Am I right? Do I win? :P NO! Really? No no no Think much much funnier. Much sexier.3:31 AM Mar 26th  in reply to SilkCharm

55. @parissite A grade material inexhaustible3:29 AM Mar 26th  in reply to parissite

56. Tuckey dodges bar question. Asked if his famous iron bar was in fact an alloy, Tuckey said “My iron bar has traces of lippy journos sonny…11:17 PM Mar 25th

57. “Scrote Cloak” goes on Show. A cloak made from 10 000 possum scrotums believed to have been worn by Yagan’s father Midgigoroo went on show a11:13 PM Mar 25th

58. Cat buses “Not real cats”. Exasperated transport minister Simon O’Brien backed the driver of one of the city’s free buses who refused a fur11:08 PM Mar 25th

59. @WilsonTuckey Is this true sir? Tuckey’s iron bar contains “Traces of Vanadium”. Ex staffer tells8:47 PM Mar 25th

60. Brawl over beret closes new Perth Jazz Club. 3 patrons of brand new Jazz dive Ellingtons were hospitalised after a fight…8:25 PM Mar 25th

61. Dockers midfield looks to tall timber to supply pulp mill.8:03 PM Mar 25th

62. Premier shares genes with chimp, blames Labor, Greens.7:16 PM Mar 25th

63. New City Arts Hub “covered in semen”. Council guidelines “Too lax” – Robert Juniper6:37 PM Mar 25th

64. Tuckey’s iron bar contained “Traces of Vanadium”. Ex staffer tells6:14 PM Mar 25th

65. New editor to staff – West journalists now not to refer to themselves in 3rd person during company time. MEAA caves.5:49 PM Mar 25th

66. Police oppose drug dog bins.5:43 PM Mar 25th

67. Ben still our spritual leader despite Richmond move – Darren Glass5:32 PM Mar 25th

68. Diggers injured in Afghanistan 3-way. Ring damaged soldiers face “long trip home.”5:28 PM Mar 25th

69. Media Entertainment and Arts Alliance “toothless vagina” – journalists.5:01 PM Mar 25th

70. Fart in lift – Let’s not play blame game – Keelty4:49 PM Mar 25th

71. Paedophile ring behind OBE plans. Bethany Hyatt exclusive.4:27 PM Mar 25th

72. BikERS, BikIES potato, potarto. Have your say.4:22 PM Mar 25th

73. School leavers sluts, rapists. Catch their latest fashions page 21.4:00 PM Mar 25th

74. Major paper doesn’t secure all twitter domains. Smartarses swoop.3:43 PM Mar 25th

75. Dying whales copulated in the shallows. Exclusive. http://tinyurl.com/dzn2wu3:36 PM Mar 25th

About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in Best of banned by The West, worst of perth. Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to News parody suspended

  1. David Cohen says:

    Very funny (even the MEAA jibes)!

    Who was behind this feed??

    Like

  2. Frank Calabrese says:

    I See The Worst still have a humour bypass by getting this suspended – I love the OBE one :-)

    Like

  3. Grrr says:

    They just need to restart it as @WestAustralian or something.

    Like

  4. shazza says:

    Fantastic. The Jazz club stuff is laugh out loud funny. Love the assertion that berets will be considered colours.
    Also reassuring to see people taking the mickey out of George ONeil. If not for purposes of confidentiality I would grab a pic of his clinic to nominate as a worst. (Can I say that LA??)

    Like

    • Vic Demised says:

      Dr George O’Neill sedates his patients with Rohypnol -yep, the date-rape drug, a hypnagogic- then tells them they will never be free of heroin until they accept Jesus as their true saviour. I know this from having been the “carer” for two patients at his clinic. The guy’s a proselytising gynaecologist.

      Like

  5. theparissite says:

    I think the problem lay in the fact that most other fake Twitterers are easily distinguished from their subjects – @WestAustralian wasn’t. It was entirely plausible.

    Whereas you can totally tell the difference with @stephenconroy… OK, not so much either, but @WilsonTuckey… er… I mean…

    Never mind.

    Like

  6. Vic Demised says:

    Whoever writes that stuff could get a job with Letterman

    Like

  7. Frank Calabrese says:

    TLA,

    You’ve forgotten to change the timestamp back to non daylight savings time :-)

    Like

  8. skink says:

    this stuff is excellent

    could it really have been generated in WA?

    it seems too smart and funny

    Nick Catania may be appropriating the phrase ‘toothless vagina’ during his War on The Voice

    I heard that some Italian ‘identities’ misunderstood that headline and have put out a contract on John Farnham.

    Like

  9. News feed now being covered in sidebar. How could TWOP be any funnier.

    Like

  10. No wait, is it working? Can anyone see stuff in the ALL the news sidebar?

    Like

  11. solarionsolaris says:

    The people of Freo are not impressed with the Whale slurs , man. If this dude shows his lazy arse down here he will get it kicked . Peace and love.

    Like

  12. skink says:

    here’s a great story about Courtney Love being the first person to be sued for libellous comments made on Twitter.

    Bilious, foul mouthed, with atrocious spelling and punctuation. I think I’m smitten.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/03/31/2531027.htm

    Like

  13. Orbea says:

    OK, how do I get the twitter stream straight onto google desktop? or alternative
    easy question, tricky answer
    yes I admit I know nothing of RSS (among other things)

    Like

  14. Frank Calabrese says:

    Latest Radio Ratings released – note the Perth figures are on the last page.

    http://www.au.nielsen.com/site/documents/Metro209.pdf

    Like

  15. rhubarb says:

    LATEST FROM THE SWAMP:

    From: Brett McCarthy
    Sent: Wednesday, 1 April 2009 12:59 PM
    To: West CCI
    Cc: Chris Wharton
    Subject:

    I am pleased to announce that respected journalist Colleen Egan will be joining The West Australian as an assistant editor.
    As most of you know Colleen is a Walkley award winning journalist who has worked in WA for many years. She’s probably best known for her work on the Mallard case but has broken many other significant stories over the years.
    Colleen will write a regular column as well as continue to break great news stories. She will report to me.

    That would be a rarity: a RESPECTED journalist!

    Like

    • Frank Calabrese says:

      I’d be VERY wary, given the date of the email – though the time stamp indicates it may be true.

      I wonder if Colleen has left the slimes over the paper’s role in the Butcher Trial in creating the strawman vilifying the McCleod Family and orchestrating the police rally at Parliament House one week, and seven days later doing a 180 degree turnaround ?

      Like

  16. Pingback: memo to the world’s journos « a shiny new coin

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