If this Van’s Lockin, Hellzapoppin’

Sir Plume (of amber snuff-box justly vain, And the nice conduct of a clouded cane), With earnest eyes, and round unthinking face, He first the snuff-box opened, then the case. Pope. The Rape of The Lock

Melbourne TWOP stringer Meccano flew into town  today to be confronted with this worst at the fucking airport! If he hadn’t already deposited his fruit in the bins provided, he may have turned straight around. Again, banality, meets astounding. This is number nine in the fleet. I shudder to think what the plates of 1 through 8 say. Wasn’t “Assman” available? “Knobflogger”? “Beavrdammin”? “cntkini”? Not even “Locknload”? Meccano, what can I do but apologise that this dispiriting and depressing van was your first sight on arrival in Perth. I’m sure your journey past The Maracoonda, The Red Castle, the motel where that prozzie was murdered, and other one next door where the 13 yo girl also worked as a prostitute, as well as the Smiths’ Burswood bronze infection would have lifted your spirits after that inauspicious and frankly baffling start. I hope the taxi driver was inarticulate enough for you to not understand his enthusiastic description of a sculpture park to be built on Heirrison Island. No, I’ve said too much.


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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11 Responses to If this Van’s Lockin, Hellzapoppin’

  1. David Cohen says:

    Praise god, pass the key
    Meccano has been warned and
    The ending is vile.


  2. Rusty says:

    the reversing mirror seems to be pointed straight at it… hope they can “sdrawkcab daer”.


  3. Groucho says:

    When people commit their lives to Jesus and repent of their sins they are given The Key to Heaven. However, you can own the key to a house, but if you are outside and the door is locked you cannot gain entry unless you have that key with you. So it is with Heaven….taken from “The Key To Heaven” by Graham Pockett

    …and if you are locked out completely (Heaven forbid) then call SAS


  4. Bill O'Slatter says:

    This is one point not covered in “Very Small Bsiness” . In order to drum up business you pretend to be a Christian, however the public being the pile of cunning shits they are also pretend to be Christians and claim heaps of freebies.


  5. Johnny Nonation says:

    “Truly this van was the wheels of God”
    John Wayne – The Greatest Story Ever Rolled.


  6. Grrr says:

    Am I the only person to wonder what vehicles 1-8 have as their number plates?

    Or where the Ichthys sticker is?


  7. Georgie says:

    Am I the only one to notice the business is apparently based in Leedervile? Perhaps it’s the fire-and-brimstone end of Leederville.


  8. David Cohen says:

    I believe you are not: see my haiku…


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