Cold Spring

Another scarifying look at Americaville worst a by BSWAM. Cold Spring motherfuckers.
BSWAM says…
Today we’re visitng Cold Spring, NY, a small town on the banks of the Hudson opposite the West Point Military Academy!

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It is a quaint village, full of quaint shops and quaint houses with a quaint stone church crowning the hill.

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Perhaps some of the houses are quaint to the point that surpasseth human understanding.

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Be that as it may, not for Cold Spring the eccentric bohemian sleaze of Nyack, its distant sister to the south.

No…Cold Spring has fallen to a far more pernicious threat…

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THE CUTSIES.

Bitsy: Ooh, how can we advertise our hot hude yoga sessions on the second floor of this building?
Titsy: How about a sign shaped like a peeping tom who just fell off the window ledge?
Both: Ha. ha. ha.

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Priscilla: Nigel, darling, I know you’re from England and all, but the sign maker was adamant that he will only do 21 letters for the fee we agreed upon and I’m just wondering–
Nigel (screaming): IT’S A SHOPPE.

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You asked if there was a US version of the wretched aboriginal lawn ornaments occasionally featured on TWOP. This would be my answer.

Actual comment overheard in this gallery: “The problem is no one appreciates art of this caliber.”

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GREEK REVIVAL PORTICO U R DOIN IT RONG.

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The Mayor: Sputter, sputter, her name is TRIXIE goddamn it!!

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Says it all, really.

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About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
This entry was posted in The Worst of New York and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Cold Spring

  1. Shreiking Wombat Ninja says:

    Shoppe my good Sir? How quaintly Tudor. Let the beheadings begin (Ineffectual English executioners optional. Hack, hack, hack. Still not dead?)

    ‘Twas a Cold Spring indeed.

    Like

  2. petef says:

    Those last two give the place a freo element. Is that a good thing or not?

    Like

    • RubyRuby says:

      They sell that range of tea towels at Fitch’s Chemist on Hay Street.

      Yeah.

      Vibrancy and tea towels – we’re right up there on the global level, right?

      Like

  3. emily says:

    Wonderful.
    On the subject of offensive lawn ornaments, I came across the lawn jockey – don’t know how common these things are/were, but seems like an American counterpart to our delightful decoration. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn_jockey

    Like

    • BSWAM says:

      Very much so a counterpart, although more common historically in the Southern states. Certainly one of the more offensive attempts to nostalgiaize (if that’s a word) the legacy of slavery – and beyond that the hideously abusive legacy of racing as a sport, which, until the 1930s, involved the beating and starving of the athletes.

      The 21 Club in New York, favored by jockeys and the horsey set, has a collection of the statues (painted white) as part of its historic façade.

      In terms of Native Americans, the worst offenses involve the sporting mascots of various baseball and football teams, such as the Cleveland Indians.

      Rather more subtle, but just as damaging, are certain 19th century statues, mosaics and murals that depict the Native American as the noble savage ne plus ultra – a Beaux Arts ideal of stern hunters and shapely maidens frisking about in an American Arcadia in the eye-popping buff.

      “The Sun Vow” at the Metropolitan Museum of Art
      http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/works-of-art/19.126

      The Grand Hall Mosaic at the Nebraska State Capital

      As it has been observed: “A stereotype is not less corrosive for being seen by its enforcer as positive.”

      I do feel the closest counterpart to Australian aboriginal statues would be the Mammy doll of Southern folk culture.

      Like

  4. vegan says:

    definitely setting the standard in worsting.

    the mayor’s bike – yes, how very fremantle.

    Like

  5. Anonymous says:

    Aaq

    Like

  6. petef says:

    I have discovered a vendor providing golliwogs. Also fags – the original musk cigarette.

    Tasmania, don’t stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

    Like

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