Crap by Root or Burl

When WA farmers were still recklessly clearing every last tree from the surface of the planet, mountains of Mallee roots used to turn up as firewood. Unfortunately some roots escaped being burnt and were turned into execrable clocks and other hideous decorations that vied with googly eyed gumnuts to make Perth a world artistic laughing stock. I think these monstrosities are actually Jarrah burls, another medium with which it is virtually impossible not to make something shitty. From WAtching in Fremantle. These are really awful. The sort of thing this culture vulture might buy.

About AHC McDonald

Comedian, artist, photographer and critic. From 2007 to 2017 ran the culture and satire site The Worst of Perth
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40 Responses to Crap by Root or Burl

  1. Snuff says:

    Uggh. With a little imagination, they could have done much better.


    • rolly says:

      That second one adds a certain Je ne sais qua to the expression “cutting him down”!

      As for the disgusting waste of good material that passes for tourist memorabilia, I’m always surprised that anyone ever buys the stuff; though my older brother did take a bagful of mulgawood ‘objets d’arte’ home to his mother in Wales in…..

      wait for it……….

      1961 !

      The great pity is that there are many great decorative wood artists and wood turners in Oz who are totally ignored by the mainstream promoters.


  2. rolly says:

    Stuff it!!
    Only the froggy bit was supposed to be in italics.


  3. Natalia Fan #1 says:

    Is that a jarrah Disney Jesus on the left wall?

    I like how the security camera implies that someone might wish to steal one of these pieces of shit.


  4. Russell Woolf's Lovechild says:

    Very useful timepieces to have during this present cold snap.

    Which brings me to another Perth worst – winter inversion layers. Waking to a city covered in smog from poorly functioning wood burning heaters like some 3rd world African village. Apologies to all Africans who are actually able to maintain their cooking fires.

    End rant.


    • Natalia Fan #1 says:

      Why “useful”, RWLC, except for misguided patriots and even more misguided tourists? (Who buys this crap, anyway?).

      RWLC: Are you are spawn of Russell and Alicia Gorey? Their flirty radio banter often suggested the possibility of such issue. “Keep your hairy, meaty hands of her, RW”. Alicia would be my favourite (hrrr) Perthonality had she not defected.


  5. BJReplay says:

    (From Melbourne – where we need a TWOM)

    My father has one of these. Got it from Perth years (decades) ago, during a matrimonial obligation visit to visit my mother’s family (who hail from Perth).

    Don’t they have to ship mallee roots over from Vic from The Mallee? And would anyone want to enter the mallee, speaking of roots?


  6. Bento says:

    Credit where it’s due – this is a marvellous Worst. I always feel a little self-conscious, but you had the kahunas to stare down the (probably fake) surveillance camera. Kudos.


    • WAtching says:

      I must admit I was giggling like a schoolgirl. The shopkeepers were certainly put off by my very obvious derision.


    • Natalia Fan #1 says:

      Truly an awesome worst, Bento.


    • Natalia Fan #1 says:

      Bento – I can’t begin to describe my hatred of the mallee root clock/table/art, etc., especially in the guise of “it’s a little bit of True Australianess”; especially in regards to “gold”-leaf clocks. For all my anti-design protestations, this shit really takes the cake. Somehow reminds me of the junkie couple I knew who hilariously hoped to capitalize, i.e. support their habit, on similar sentiments by selling paper-mache bust of Paddy Hannan. Ok, I’m, semi-pissed myself now and not making a whole lot of sense. Still irrationally hate mallee art, but.


      • Natalia Fan #1 says:

        No, completely rational.


        • Jaidyn-Jaxxon says:

          The same criticisms that might apply to overdesign reflect in this case as well, though. Mallee art may not have any inherent function (hence making everything a clock) but it is pure process. Cross-cut, lacquer, mount. Is there such a thing as a ‘bad’ mallee clock? I doubt it. Perhaps the Turner Galleries would be interested in a few to complement their $3000 masterpiece of a window display. (wow there is an even larger $7000 version)


          • Natalia Fan #1 says:

            “art may not have any inherent function … but it is pure process”.

            Mind if I use that JJ?


            • Jaidyn-Jaxxon says:

              Not at all. It’s everthing I learned (by inference) at art school and it’s why I quit. Talk about alienation. The contemporary artist is effectively a manufacturing worker creating a defunct product which is never bought except through the condescencion lottery of bourgeois patronage. Any quality which interferes with the fundamental timidity of art-as-catalogue-option is beaten out of the artist as soon as possible.


  7. Drake says:

    They are a beatiful piece of art and funny story but that shop belongs to a relative of mine and he takes pride and dedication into his work he perserves these beatiful tree’s so they last YEARS and if you can’t appreciate that then please dont comment


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