Twisted Topiary

Worst Tree/Garden

Guest Post from Elwrongo and Slanderer. Apparently it took two of them to wrangle these horrors into the camera. Does the tallest one on the left look a little like a lot of…no, never mind. Elwrongo and Slanderer say…

I know how everyone loves these Leggo pines, but what about the twirly kind? Do they push any buttons? How do they do it? Why do they do it? There were even more of them but our camera didn’t have wide enough lens angle. Location – Coolibah Drive, Kingsley.
by Elwrongo and Slanderer


About The Lazy Aussie

Commended Haiku writer. A lover of The West's Worst. Perth stand-up comedian, photographer and writer.
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11 Responses to Twisted Topiary

  1. Cimbali says:

    How impressive is their commitment to tree torturing? Forcing things to grow in unnatural ways can become an addiction and I am willing to bet that the back yard abounds with espaliers and their lemon tree has been grafted with a pomelo a grapefruit and two sorts of limes. I reckon even their daughters are tottering about with bound feet.


  2. What kind of jolly green animal did that ?


  3. dr pangloss says:

    kinglsey eh?
    i’m surprised there isn’t an Aussie flag flying proudly in the front yard


  4. not for prophet says:

    These ready-made, backyard blitzed gardens are a wonderful
    idea for the time-challenged suburbanite. However, here is a
    fortunately uncommon example of when the screw length is too long. For goodness sake, do take the extra time to measure the soil depth BEFORE lowering your pre-fab garden into position or this will be the unsightly result, ugly great
    screw threads clearly visible. Saw them off and file anything remaining and this sadly obscured beautiful lesson in botanical Haiku, complete with green echidna footlights and a mini chain-reaction brick wall segway into a pool-table lawn will be enjoyed by many, for many years to come.
    Incidentally, that silent sentinel at the back, stage left, has no place here masquerading here as a team player. Palms are palms and this one’s attempt to steal the show as a thin legged geisha girl in a mini skirt is as culturally inaccurate as it
    is vulgar. It should be removed immediately, taken backstage
    and given a thorough dressing down with “Roundup”.


  5. lazyaussie says:

    Not for Prophet. perhaps they are screws holding up the roof of hell below?


  6. Cimbali says:

    Do you reckon they are self tappers? There would be a few of those in hades according to the bible.


  7. not for prophet says:

    I think you’ll find Lazyaussie and I’m using the uppercase “L” out of my considerable respect for you, I think you’ll find that the roof of hell is, in fact, held up not by screws but by epoxy resin made exclusively by Coogee Chemicals and thought to be
    666 times stronger than Araldite and unaffected by infernos.


  8. elwrongo says:

    Yes Lazy Aussie, It did take two of us to take this shot, a shooter and a driver. We judge a fast clean getaway is required in these suburbs brimming with angry battlers.

    On the thread, I see its imperial and left handed, the significance of which escapes us.


  9. pig0fsteel says:

    left handed thread for the left hand of god perhaps.


  10. BedfordsCrackPotFraternity!! says:

    …..yes fourth from the left is a fabulous lime chiffon looking hatstand effect on a stick, strangely bringing the indoors,….out!! And I cant help wondering what that aircons up too, looming menacingly behind that roof, ready perhaps for a chainsaw style massacre! “I’m taking them all god-dammit…..!!


  11. PatB says:

    Hmm. The school of gardening.


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