Skink sent me this a while ago, but I hadn’t really appreciated the pure worstness. Margaret River cops, fresh from confiscating orange juice bottle bongs from unwashed ferals are to be travelling to CIA headquarters to learn learn to go undercover to be able to confiscate orange juice bong containers with the use of encryption, drones and satellites. Can you deliver a bath to Margaret River residents by drone? I guess you could do a soap drop, but would they use it or eat it? And why not throw in a cop from Katanning, a town famous for decades of child abuse where the police were so undercover as to be invisible. Covert as far as stopping the dreadful crimes happening under their moustaches for twenty years at least. And what is Langley and the FBI to make of Margaret River cops just as famous for providing a police car escort for Jimmy Barnes (Jimmy who? You Ossies crack me up), to a piss fest for middle aged drunks? I would recommend adding a couple of cops from say Bunbury as well to lift the tone a little. Who’s fucking paying for this total waste of money? Rotary? The organisation that is stretched organising a sober Santa for a sossie sizzle outside a rural Mitre 10? Or us? From the Augusta Margaret River Times. 
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The Worst of Perth 
“Covert trip” announced in newspaper? “Covert” – U R doin’ it rong.
Anyway, perhaps they can take some time off and visit the “Claude Moore Colonial 1771 Farmstead at Turkey Run,” courtesy the National Park Service, the only thing in Langley not either a million dollar tract home or the CIA. Or the CIA hiding in a million dollar tract home.
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Oh BSWAM I have found the perfect US decoder for Tim Winton. James Lee Burke. Someone may be able to create an app that translates one to the other.
Po’Boys = Chiko Roll
The Gulf = Gage Roads
New Orleans = Fremantle
lafayette = Claremont
Cottonmouth = Dugite
Southern Belle = That woman I met at the library
Pecan trees = Cocos
Possible spirit of murdered woman found floating in the bayou = Possible ghost aborigine
Bayou = Cottesloe Beach
Mist rolling in off the Bayou = The Fremantle Doctor
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Perth = Houston
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Not Baton Rouge?
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When someone goes really far away it’s to Houston, so maybe Geraldton would be Houston and Perth Baton Rouge?
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On second thought, Houston is where the Louisiana Pickles and Lambs would end up.
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Except they’d be the Blanchard Le Terrapins and the Dupree Orly Beaux jo -lays.
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Galveston. It’s built on a sand dune too.
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Golden Dagger award = Booker
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I still see her standing by the water
Standing there lookin’ out to sea
And is she waiting there for me
On the beach where we used to run …
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I am still learning it on the organ.
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The genius of Jimmy Webb.
p.s. Brownie doing a heck of a job.
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LO freaking L
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Blue black snub nosed .38 = gidgee
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I’ll have to check him out…what would be the Winton versions of The Troubled Inheritance of Slavery, the Pulsing Throb of Voodoo, the Steely Note of Jazz, The Old Streetcar that Somehow is Always Pissing Down Sparks off the Overhead Wire, the Old Plantation Mansion With an Unholy Secret and Brownie Doing a Heck of a Job?
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Troubled Inheritance of Slavery = Dad locking the dog in the car with the quarter window open a crack on those long days when somehow the Doctor couldn’t cool the sticky ashpalt …
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Brownie doing a heck of a job. Hmm, I’m thinking the equivalent must be the Department of Environment’s annual ‘controlled burns’ that inevitably result in the loss of hundreds of under-insured farms.
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“The steely note of jazz” translates to, “the days when John Butler used to busk in the streets of Freo”.
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“The Old Streetcar that Somehow is Always Pissing Down Sparks off the Overhead Wire” would translate to the Joondalup line – they always seem to be busting their wire there… “goddamn NOR Yankees”
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And that ghostly fucking paddle wheeler on the Bayou is the wine cruise boat that gets stuck under the Garret rd bridge?
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And Ljuke is Clete Purcell.
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Winnebago man …………Rolly
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more your bix golightly.
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So everyone’s read this nonsense?
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Which nonsense are your referring to ? signed The Grammar Nazi.
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Creole Belle
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reading it now. hadn’t read any james lee burke for a while, but was inspired to give this a go.
still trying to form a mental image of clete purcel – a small whale with blonde hair wearing an hawaiian shirt is the closest i can come to it.
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Switching from his second, which was pretty good, to this much later one, which is so ludicrous that I assume it is a pisstake.
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the early ones are good.
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These guys really do need to read a bit of Maigret. All these crime writers start off with good writing and a good story, then the whole thing gets insane by the end of the book. The girl with the dragon whatsit was the same. Mankell does it too a lot of the time.
Maigret often does nothing at all except walk to work. Maybe he’ll order some beer and sadwiches occasionally. But a stabbing on the Rue de Remarks is never going to spiral into a world conspiracy with 500 deaths and ghost ships on the Seine by the end.
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What’s your view on Elmore Leonard??
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He tends to avoid the fantasy ending. For the most part.
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See also David Peace’s Red Riding quartet. Ridiculous conclusions.
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His Tokyo Year Zero was terrible. Thank god I got it from a bargain bin for $2.
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These narrow strips of text are also unhappy endings.
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I have no idea what you people are talking about. Wake me up when your’e ready to discuss Asimov.
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Me either – I just saw a description and thought “geez it fits to a T”. I guess I better brush up on my Anglo-American literature as my next visa test will need me to know more about it. Asimov is good.. Daneel R Olivaw for PM… but when we get to Robert Jordan let me know!
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Jeromy?
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Pingback: We got ourselves a Chi-nee | The Worst of Perth
It reminds me of the old tale of Gotcha and Getchya at Margs. Supposedly at the time there were only 2 cops down there, Gotcha and Getchya. If Gotcha hadn’t gotcha, then Getchya would getchya.
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is this ‘overuse of dope’ humour?
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There are many gorgeous examples of kid’s rooms available.
It’s so difficult to obtain the balance in between safe/functional
and something that really looks great! Selecting fabric and
styles that can last from toddlerhood into childhood is very challenging.
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