Over the last 3 years, there have been certain arteries of worsts that turn up again and again, and which have also had new descriptors established by readers. I thought it might be useful to solidify the definitions and also lay them out in one place so newcomers can familiarise themselves. I hope other thoroughfares can be renamed appropriate to their greatness, although this process cannot be forced. I have also included the best views from Google street I could find.
The Arrondisement, (sometimes TEH Arrondisement) formerly known as Beaufort Street, home to many, many worsts, current and vanished. Perhaps best represented by this ant covered dead octopus and diaper cakes, The Arrondisement starts at the city, extending through Highgate, Mt Lawley and Inglewood, finally dying in the arse in Bayswater. (Google Streetview.) 
The Boulevard of Broken Worsts aka Alexander Drive is probably best remembered for these odd items, but it is the centre for much activity nearby, including the awsome Stargate. The Boulevard travels through many shithouse areas, (eg Malaga), some as yet unplumbed by worst searchers, but Yokine, Dianella have been the main sources. It continues on from the North perth Barrio as seen below. (Google Street View)
Las Ramblas, aka Oats Steet Carlisle, where door meets window. Also the centre of much activity nearby, including the amazing flamingo letterbox. Goes through Carlisle and Lathlain, not far from lesbian witch murder house, until it is stopped in its tracks by Bourbon Street. (Google Street View)
my beautiful friend
The Barrio, aka Fitzgerald Street, although The Barrio can cover many North Perth locations. Known for the testicle polishing activities of its residents. Becomes The Boulevard of Broken Worsts as it leaves civilisation. (Google Street View)
And the recently named Bourbon Street, aka Albany Highway named to honour Victoria Park, Perth’s New Orleans. There’s only one place for the sweetest cajun cooking with a dirty sax a playin than Bourbon Street’s Cash Twon. Bourbon Street travels through some of the city’s premier toilets, before reaching Albany many hours later. (Google Street View)
And there’s also the Bumpkobahn, Bumpkin Highway, aka Forrest Highway that ends up in the Labrea tarpit of worst Bunbury, while bypassing Crabtown Mandurah.
The Worst of Perth 
Teh Arrondissement doesn’t just die in the arse in Bayswater, where Major DVD’s recent move up the street may render this soon into a Vanished Worst, but take a left due North at Charlie’s, where State Route 53 indeed does continue its misery, through manifold minefields of Worsts in eastern Morley, such as Hampton High and my palatial digs, then continuing North, to the salubrious estate of Beechboro, whereby you know you’ve ventured beyond the outer limits of civilisation when you see the sign welcoming you to that alleged City Of
Swan. Keep motoring (for th footpath soon runs out) to the stately erections of the high-tension power pylons, cross Marshall Road, to Potters Fundie Funland, Whiteman Park, Cullacabardee Community, a rifle range, terminating at Route 83, Gnangara Road, to the pine plantation.
Only continue if you’re a bogan with an RV or a serial killer, wishing to sodomise your victim and then leave them for dead in a shallow grave.
Gives a new perspective on Perth when you consider that Teh Arrondissement Plus, Route 53 or the 4Bs start at the Barrack Street Jetty and end up in some patch of desolate urban deferred woodlands. Hmm.
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Isn’t it Broun rather than Beaufort?
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Strictly speaking, Beaufort Street continues as Broun Avenue once you swing into a dogleg near
JismChisholm College, although Beaufort continues a small way up the hill as a local road.Broun Ave ends at the intersection where Charlie’s (not Worst) and Snow White’s Nipple (soon to be a Vanished Worst) are; if you keep going due East, it’s Walter Road East, but the route carries on northward as Beechboro Road North.
Those, in addition to the street that forms the origin of Route 53/Teh Arrondissement, Barrack, are the 4Bs. All have their own quota of Worsts too, combined perhaps the Worst Street of Perth.
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I think the arrondisement does end with Beaufort. It is something else entirely after that. What that is, I don’t know.
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After Teh Arrondissement, comes Le Latrine
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as in pissoir?
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If Embleton = pissoir, then the golf course is its s-bend
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And Kings Park our Golgotha.
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Then we’re going to have Kings Park rd as Pennsylvania Avenue. &
Hight Street Haight Street.
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Wait, your Golgotha? For your people wouldn’t it be place of another rabble rouser that requires pilate’s rubber stamp of execution?
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Curves?
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Making Beechboro our La Défense?
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Pfft. Fitzgerald Street continues past Walcott Street! Now I’ve heard everything.
TLA – I think you may need to expand this concept to provide a permanent Glossary tab. I can imagine the poor strays who wander in have no idea who She-Ra, FWC or Kahunas are.
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Even She-Ra has referred to herself as She-Ra. I forgot to add The Bumpkobahn or Bumpkin Highway.
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As a relative Johnny-come-lately, let me say that slowly deciphering the TWOP code has very much been part of the fun. Our Nikki, the shoving, She-Ra, ooshta, and all the rest – how glad I am to have slowly unraveled all this without the doubtful benefit of a glossary.
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The Stargate is still my favourite worst. I like to think it comes out the other end in She Rah’s apartment.
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Have you been reading my diary?
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Also do not forget the Highway To Hell, aka the Canning Highway…plenty of worsts there! Firecracker Chinese Restaurant (closed but still there), numerous houses of questionable taste, some commissioned-graffiti bus shelters in the City Of Melville, the poncified Raffles, etc.
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Canning highway has never and will never be highway to hell.
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Have added The Bumpkobahn.
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Where’s Wannaroo Rd, starting with Dog Swamp shopping centre?
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Wouldn’t it be Wannaroot Rd?
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La Brea tarpits of Worst. Nice one.
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More like Albany Highway.
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The bit after Bourbon St, I mean.
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Yes, Bourbon street precinct would definitely end where Las ramblas intersects.
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Interestingly, Woodlupine was renamed Queens Park after a 1911 murder, though presumably not of the emo lesbian witch etc. kind
“Local residents and authorities feared the incident could jeopardise the development of the area”. Is that a cute, old-fashioned way of saying that residents were concerned about property prices? Love me a bit of psychogeography, I do.
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And it worked wonders. If they hadn’t changed the name, Queens Park would still be a crime-ridden slum.
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I saw some scary Perth streets during my days as a pinko, lesso, tree hugging, lefty, social worker. But none more terrifying than those in Queens Park. I assume that Homeswest has now demolished that ghetto??
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Alas Shazza, there is no more Maniana Mania. Pretty much razed, starting all over again, as some renamed estate, left to the tender mercies of the developers.
As for the new name, it escapes me now.
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Gattica
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Meh, Claremont has quite regular murders with no apparent damage to property prices – and Mosman Park’s not far behind. I think the Woodlupinians made a mistake.
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I’m sure tere is still a Woodlupine somewhere. Woodlupudlians I think.
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“Queens Park now incorporates the former suburb of Maniana, once of State Housing development post WW2, which is being pulled down and redeveloped into ‘Quatro'”. Maniana, indeed. And what did happen to ‘Quatro’?
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Woodlupine is the name of the primary school I went to in good old Forryfield.
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But Claremont murderers would come from outside (ie queens park), whereas a Queens parker kills a queens parker.
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Keep talking like that and you can expect a knock on the door from the Macro Taskforce.
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Depends on how far they can stagger.
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some fine worsting this morning tla.
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People moved in to the lesbian witch murder house quite recently – it was for sale for a very, very long time. Not sure if it was the murder aspect or the proximity to the Red Castle that was the main problem. Anyway, they’ve painted it cream. Still screams lesbian witch murder to me.
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I assumed it would be demolished.
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Shouldn’t that be emo lesbian witch murder? Stephanie Meyer has much to answer for.
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yes, it should. Maybe with knobhead in there somewhere. Jeez those emo lezzos could really have done with some Justin Langer counselling. “Whatever you do, don’t be true to yourselves.”.
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You’d think so wouldn’t you. Just horrendous. From the train you can see the back shed. I wonder if they at least got new wheely bins, post LWM.
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oh i don’t know, i’m a strong supporter of heritage.
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You want worst? Try driving into the city on a Sunday. Just drove in and straight out again. Where did all those people come from? And on a Sunday? Fucking Outrage.
That’ll teach me to cross the bridge. Never again.
Though the UWA Up markets were very nice.
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Shouldn’t they be working?
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Yes, up North somewhere.
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really? i refused to go this time, got heartily sick of being pushed out of the way last time by women in puffa vests and pearls.
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Talking to one of the stall holders verified the time to go is late afternoon.
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when said women will be home giving the filipina housekeeper the menu for dinner.
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Mrs Bento went, and had a lovely time. I don’t think our fridge has sufficient surface area to accommodate the myriad magnets.
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…did I ever attempt to insert White Scum Valley into the vernacular? If not, I apologise and hereby insert it…
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oh yeah, and Buff Jesus may need some explaining too
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Could we not include Scarborough Beach Road, if only for the abominable pile sitting on the beach that is often referred to on these pages.
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the boulevard of shat-on dreams?
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Wasn’t there some discussion at one point as to possible descriptors for Fremantle / South Terrace?
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Back off buddy.
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Need I say more? Guilty partly by your own admission Shaz. Is it the persistent smell of sheep shit that renders Fremantlers utterly humourless?
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has anyone done the ‘capuccino strip’
not Freo particularly, just general usage of the term. Subi had one, and now they talk about Mount Lawley having one.
I recently saw that even Inglewood is conseidered to have a ‘cafe strip’. It is somewhere around Ninth Avenue, that being where the one cafe is.
I blame real estate agents.
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A cappucino slit.
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Surely in Inglewood it would be the hot, skinny, latte strip, just up the road from Mt Lawleys lavender strip.
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They’re rated in terms of coffee franchises…
“Albany Highway is now a 2 Dome strip”, etc.
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well in that case, maylands has a strip as well.
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Translation “Twice as shit”
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Even Carlisle has a strip these days, if you believe the real estate agents.
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I keep saying it’s the new Leederville, but no one will take me up on it. WE HAVE A CAFE NOW, DAMNIT.
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Well yeah, but I defy you to stand outside the conjunction of the dog grooming joint and the creepy fish and chipper and invoke Leederville like that. Although I do think there are *two* cafes now, which is a strip in anyone’s language.
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Maybe we need some girls dressed as naughty nurses and angels walking around at night to make it truly Leedervillesque?
Have you noticed there is a private detective agency on that same strip? I’m telling you, Carlisle is the place to be.
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The place to be indeed. I note they have also identified something known as the “top end” of Carlisle, which I think means as far away from Oats St as possible.
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About 6 years ago Mr Shazza and I sold a duplex pair in Carlisle. Boy do we feel silly now.
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Probably Archer Street, where the Drive-In Buddhist Temple and Lube is next door to McSweeny’s the Self-Circumcising Butchers.
Heck, if I were a developer, I’d be pushing those two cultural attractions of Carlisle as a reason to be part of the scene, yay! Invite your vegan neighbours over for a barbeque in your new trendy townhouse!
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Tofuque
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Yes, Archer St. The butchers has new signage now, not a knife or a willy in sight, in the front of the shop in any event, and the Buddhists have moved out altogether – the drive in karma joint has been up for lease for some time now. They are clearly having problems identifying another suitable tenant. Some sort of doomsday cult would be about right. In other news, the as-yet-unfeatured-here Swiss restaurant is still operating, no thanks to me I might add.
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The swingin’ social set of Carlisle last night could have moseyed on up to President Street to the Embassy Ballroom and grooved along to the latest tunes showcased on 6IX’s Jukebox Saturday Night Live…what fun indeed! (I knew this sad fact due to the radio being dictated at work by the more mature set, can’t say all the songs played on the last bastion of music-only on the AM
band are complete rubbish—heck, some would have that added ooshta pumped out of TLA’s Onkyo!)
Vibrancy in Carlisle, here we come!
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To actually reply to JaneZ, thanks for the update: I may work in Rivervale, but I try to avoid Carlisle as much as I can!
Now that the Buddhists no longer offer a drive-in Karmic wheel alignment service, I have a suggestion as to whom would be an appropriate future tenant…
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yes, but strips in Carlisle have a whole different meaning and are best avoided. except by real estate agents, who seem to like that sort of thing.
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Has this fine archive ever featured the Mormon Church in Dianella, just off the Boulevard? Truly a worst. It is remiss of me not to have a photo to submit, but then the memory of first seeing it, at night, with that appalling statue all lit up, is seared in my mind: “What the FUCK!!!” Which is, of course, no way to conceptualise a House of God, and probably not what the designers had in mind, but somewhat inevitable for the rest of us.
Anyway, has anyone snapped it?
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I think so.
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I was a guest shortly after it was built and prior to its consecration, after which only properly initiated male Mormons are allowed to enter. The building is as freaky within as without. No windows, and a sort-of 80s luxury hotel aesthetic – all apricot pastel with potted palms etc. Not to forget the enormous sculptured marble baptismal pool, formed from a carving of 12 near to life-sized oxen, and the “mirror room”, among other delights. Apparently that’s real gold on the Archangel Gabriel spire.
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for years i thought that it was an italian soccer club.
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Sounds like the Dianella Swingers Club
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Ahhh; your description is powerfully evocative. i’ve not been inside myself, and, not being properly qualified, i doubt now i ever will. I could, i suppose, undergo the cruel operation to enter the arcane world of the Mormon initiate, but i’m a coward and i would much prefer initiation as a humanist, which as far as i can tell consists entirely of falling backwards off the couch halfway through the third episode of Battlestar Gallactica and muttering, ‘well, i’ll be fucked: it’s a parable of the Bush Administration.”
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I think Mormons regard Battlestar Gallactica as holy scripture; it’s all real, and has nothing to do earthly governments. Twelve colonies, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve oxen, etc.
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Cattlecar ataraxia?
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and of course that seminal Mormon text, 12 canoes
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We have had something on mormons a long time ago. Something to do with a sign at the beach or fish or something. Can’t remember.
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Just here, TLA.
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twelve Lords a-leaping?
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this is why there are no windows:
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Sorry, I just woke up. All this and no mention of the futuristic don’t-need-a-car, walk or cycle anywhere through the underpasses dream planned garden suburb of Karawara?
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Have been many times expecting a slandered comment. At last.
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What the hells a Bourbon anyway?, I know where that wired step thing is its Yokine Reserve, Near Terry Tyzac Auquanic Centre, Are you sure thats Bayswater and how did that octopus get there anyway.
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Late notice for lovers and lobbers of The Arrondissement.
An information session for anyone wanting to participate in the Arrondissement Festival 2011 (late November 2011, most likely) will be held tonight at Luxe Bar, 446 Beaufort Street, from 6pm – 7pm. More information available here.
After I was rebuffed last year, I will be pushing even harder for a Festival parade to be led by the Metrosexuals on Fixies.
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I would like to propose the addition of Wanneroo Road and Marmion Avenue to this list, both of which see much sprawling worst.
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Canning Highway desperately needs a focus a point of common worstness, an identifying avatar, from the Raffles (hello Shellz and Kev) through Mont Agoniste (Mt Pleasant) Pome de Ponce (Applecross) and Bicton ( ? ), this ribbon of shittyness needs a handle.
ANY ACDC fucktards can fuck off
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Someone on here once called Canning Bridge “Perth’s Checkpoint Charlie”, which makes me smile every time I drive through it
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Is the Willagee horror on Canning? if so “Helen’s Highway.”
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helenastrasse?
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Highway to Helen ?
So they did, janezee.
p.s. Charlie may not surf, but he fights dirty.
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Totally using that. Cheers.
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Something something Woollard…?
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The difficulty is it’s like two different roads – the Freo to Canning Bridge section (unworsted? the sign for the Wireless Hill telecommunications museum would be a contender) is completely different from the bridge to Vic Park part (featuring Roma and the now defunct Firecracker).
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I think there was some roofing place that had a dud roof very early on at the Freo end. Also Gondolas which is now viewable by password only was just the freo side of the bridge.
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An oldie but a goodie.
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Wireless hll sounds interesting. Never been there.
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You think? the idea of a telecommunications museum makes me feel sick with pre-emptive fidgety boredom every time I drive past
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Applecross Art show is continually begging to be searched for deformed dog staring genitals work.
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Ahh yes, I remember a delightfully cack handed Lady Di there once.
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Surely that would be more aptly applied to a part of the river?
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who?
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woollard waters i believe he is referring to.
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Just adjacent to Doug ShavenHaven Jetty?
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I sent so many crackpot letters to the West claiming that Doug Shave was asleep at the wheel, that I got a form sent to me in the mail to join the pensioner action party. Really.
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Asleep at the wheel
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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gah
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