As The Shane Warne Musical opened in Melbourne this week, The Worst of Perth was able to catch up with former Perth boy and huge The Worst of Perth fan Jolyon James, who plays John the Indian Bookie in the show.
TWOP: Jolyon, the show already seems guaranteed to be a massive hit, I see that Shane Warne actually turned up for the opening?
JJ: Yeah, we all knew he’d love it. The whole show, every song is a hit and hilarious. It’s as much a celebration of Shane as anything else.
TWOP: You’re back in Perth with the show in March. Will you be catching up with any worsts? What’s your favourite?
JJ: I love it all. The Worst of Perth is brilliant. If I had to choose it would be the sculpture with the huge arse, or the painting of the Alsatian staring at the naked woman’s crack. Really, they’re all good. One of my favourite sites in the world.
Jolyon James on recent Perth visit, laughing at a Paul Murray joke in the paper.
TWOP: Brilliant? Would you say The Worst of Perth is a savage yet insouciant indictment of Perth art, design, culture and society?
JJ: Sure.
TWOP: You’ve submitted quite a few Perth Worsts yourself to the site, do you want to let the readers know your user name?
JJ: I’d like to preserve the mystery. Let’s just say “Dolphin nipples” and leave it at that shall we?
TWOP: Fair enough. What about Paul Murray though, how shit is he?
JJ: Who’s that?
TWOP: C’mon, former mediocre editor of The West Australian, who transformed himself into Australia’s worst writer?
JJ: I don’t even read the Melbourne papers let alone The West. I sometimes check out the UK papers online, mostly the Guardian but that’s about it, so…
TWOP: I find it hard to believe that you’re a The Worst of Perth fan, and don’t have an opinion on how crap Paul Murray is?
JJ: Is he the one that you’re always getting stuck into who writes endlessly about walking his little dog and that another journo said smells like old farts and B.O.?
TWOP: Yes.
JJ: As I say, I don’t read the papers, but if The Worst of Perth says he’s crap, then that’s good enough for me. He doesn’t review theatre does he?
TWOP: Funny you should say that. He recently started straying into film reviewing. He prefers topics about which he is totally ignorant, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes all Brechtian on our arses in the near future. He’s a big fan of The Mamma Mia movie.
JJ: It’s not the world’s worst movie. Some good performances in there. As you know I was in the live version. The story is pretty incomprehensible, but it’s fun.
TWOP: How does playing in Mamma Mia differ from Shane Warne?
JJ: Oh totally different. The Shane Warne show is razor sharp clever as well as being hilarious. It’s also a very small cast, so the dynamic is very different from the big shows I’ve been in like Mamma Mia and Les Mis for example. The opening night was one of the best nights I’ve ever had in the theatre. The audience were exhausted from clapping. It’s one of the cleverest scripts I’ve ever seen, and the music is brilliant. Perth is going to be blown away by it. You’re the first city after Melbourne that gets it.
TWOP: What do you think of the use of the phrase “At first blush…”?
JJ: I don’t know.
TWOP: Paul Murray recently came out against the Gay Pride March in Perth. There are a lot of homosexuals in musical theatre aren’t there? How do you think they feel about Paul Murray?
JJ: I don’t know.
TWOP: OK, I’ll let you go. Thanks very much, and we’ll see you in Perth.
JJ: No problem. I’ll have a look at The West when we tour so I can answer your questions a little better. We’ll be at The Regal early March. My advice is buy tickets early. It will be sold out in hours. It’s going to be huge.
TWOP: Fantastic. Let me say at the outset, thank you.
The Worst of Perth 
See, Cohen. Now THAT’S how you conduct an interview. Way to ask the tough questions, LA. Truly Paxmanesque.
LikeLike
Exomod! Nice place.
I do like the badgering about teh Paul and getting him to constantly say good things about TWOP.
LikeLike
“you’re really great.”
“no, YOU are really great.”
“let’s agree that we are both awesome.”
“yes, but you’re paying for the coffee.”
LikeLike
Like sports journalism but more incisive.
LikeLike
I am in awe of TLA’s incisive inquiry.
Perhaps I can share my best theatrical joke to compensate for my comparative crapness.
A fan waited to see Rex Harrison after a show. She rudely deamnded his autograph. A fatigued Sir Rex swore at her, which prompted her to slap him.
Someone remarked it was the first case of the fan hitting the shit.
LikeLike
Dear P Nurry
While I find it incomprehesible that this artsie fartsie thespian bloke doesn’t read the Worst, it’s even more astounding that he hasn’t heard of the great PM.
If my mamories (man boobs) serve me correctly, I saw Jolyon play a geologist-type in a TV show about Krakatoa. I studied geology once – didn’t he come across my name during his research for the role? And the fact he was in the stage version of Mama Mia – surely anyone with an interest in ABBA (who provided us with the music of our collective youth) would have read (and agreed with) my review?
And didn’t he play a lecherous academic in some other TV show that died in the arse after I reviewed it? Jeez, I could have been a lecherous academic if I’d tried. Fuck, I know so much that I wouldn’t have had to do any research for the PhD. And the 150,000 word count for the thesis would’ve been a breeze, particularly after Radio National started providing written transcriptions of all their reports.
Besides, university is a waste of time – it provides no life skills. I’d rather sweat it out (literallty) – BO, farts, and all – as the editor of the world’s most influencial newspaper.
But I digress – my mamories also tell me that this James character once played a sensitive copper in some dumbarse TV show about the underworld in Sydney. Once again, if that dill had bothered researching his role, he would have seen that I once wrote extensively about crime and the underworld. Fuck – people wouldn’t have made the connection between Kizon, Ben Cousins and ice if I hadn’t recommened to Paul that we run pics of Benny on the cover and back of every edition for six months straight.
Anyway, some pricks have emailed me about the review I wrote on Naglazas’ review of Australia. If I cut and paste their sentences together, I’m sure I can string up another 2000 words and collect my next $1500. Maybe I should mention the war again….or maybe I’ll just plunder the letters to the editor page for good luck. Hell, if all else fails, it can be the basis of my Saturday column.
The problem is that now I have to convince the likes of someone like Sam Walsh (who sits there and hypocritically raves on about proper process when Twiggy tries to get on his railway line while, at the same time, whines on and on ‘coz the Guineans aren’t happy with the fact that Rio Tinto wants to screw them for all they are worth with the Simandou project) – as well as that yankee cunt from Woodside – that my stuff has any merit.
Oh, how life used to be so easy down in Allen Park when my little doggie was a mere pup….
LikeLike
Isn t Allen park where they moved that beautiful arts – and – crafts cottage designed and built by the daughter of the author of ‘ Such Is Life ‘ ?
LikeLike
Apparently it’s under threat. The shithouse army service homes are to be sold off and replaced with shithouse private homes.
LikeLike
My Ning:
“I’m sure I can string up another 2000 words and collect my next $1500.”
The last I remember he was quoting $2000 for 1500 words.
Is he cutting his rates in a desperate last ditch effort in order to keep his job ???
LikeLike
Cant wait for “Cuz” The Musical now THAT would be good!!Featuring the John Kizon as the pilot, Michael Gardner as the attack dog, and Jeff farmer as the idiot at the side door!
LikeLike
BCF : excellent idea. Names changed to protect the guilty
“Kenny Buzzins : Our Cuz” the musical.
(Heterosexual advisor as usual Paul Murray).
Kenny Buzzin : Hugh whatever
Grassy Moll : “Our Nic”
Johhny Carlton aka ” The deal” or “the big deal” : Kizon himself . I am workin on the libretto , the arias and all that shit right now.
LikeLike
WIth music heavily influenced by Wagner , Abba and stuff from the heyday of the Red Parrott.
LikeLike
Say, what about: Paul Murray – The Musical? There could be parts written for Howard Sattler and Bob Maumill.
LikeLike
Only a Stravinsky (or perhaps Stockhausen) could handle a topic like that.
LikeLike
Stockhausen? Can’t say I’ve listened to much of him, but I stood in some once….maybe we could get Murrayhausen…
LikeLike
Well Bob can write his own Libretto since he wrote the Screenplay for the Mark Holden Movie Blue Fire Lady.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077250/
LikeLike
I only wish that Tim Rogers had punched him in the face more.
LikeLike
Small world TLA. I remember discussing SWTM back when I signed over the Brian Burke McHappy Day pic, but had no idea that your contact was Jolyon James from Locu Locu – I did the PR for their exhibition at Metro 5 Gallery back in 2003 I think it was???
LikeLike
YES!
LikeLike
Small world??
Nigh on incestuous :)
LikeLike
“Kenny Buzzins , Our Cuz : the musical” The plot arcs , characterisation and themes , counter-themes and memes are bubbling along nicely. The Greek chorus can be composed of ya Maumillses, Sattlers and Murrays dressed in lederhosen. It hasn’t quite reached the full “Luhrmannation” but chuck in a few dwarves , more aboriginal themes , car chases , strafing , explosions and we’re getting there.
The Last Scene : Gotterdammerung or “Ring der Mittelfinger”
Scene : A macmansion in a Perth beach side suburb , Scottie the technician is working in the basement on the last crucial kilo of “Warp Factor 10″ , a potent hallucinogenic amphetamine.The police have the place surrounded.Kenny is sitting on his lounge in his Ned Kelly armor together with Gracie Mull his paramor.
Police negotiator : ” Come out Kenny, this is the footy player squad , no harm will come to you”
Gracie Mull: “Kenny ,they’re digging up the astroturf!”
Kenny: ” he he , but there is only a container load of cheap Chinese johnnies that Johnny imported buried there. Johnnies’ johnnies he he”
Kenny ( to Scottie on the intercom ):” they want me to come out ; I reckon with a dress on. ”
Scottie:”.. wouldn’t be the first time”
Kenny : “.. an quick Scottie you have got to get that last kilo out ”
Kenny ( yelling to the police): ” I aint coming out youse poofter c’s ,I’m gunna get Carlton onto your sorry arses !”
He is met by police gunfire.
Kenny : ” Thank Christ for the bullet proof double glazing”
Kenny returns to attempting to record his last will and testament on the video camera.
“” if youse are seeing this then I is dead.”, or is it ” I is dead if youse can see this”. Jeez I’m not making much progress with this.”
He then starts singing ” I’m forever buzzin , buzzin to be with you , to be free la la la ”
Scottie (interrupting): “I cannae push it any further Captain she’s already at her limit”
Kenny: “It’s our only chance to get to Argentina Scotty”
Scottie: “No I cannae do it , Captain”
Kenny: “Just for Mainie”
Kenny ( muttering to himself):”I’ll be able to swim to safety”
Gracie Mull( after attempting to blow feebly into a yirdaki):
“You know Kenny my spirit dreaming is the snake”
Kenny :” Yeah I know , that’s why you choosed me , for that extra length of man meat”
Gracie :”You’re not the real serious person I once knew Kenny. Things have gotten the better of you and in fact you’re now an effing dangerous idiot Kenny.I’m outta here”
Kenny: “Erm, bzzzzt?”
Scottie: “Kenny, Kenny, I can push her a little bit more but she might blow”
Kenny :” Gracie ? Yeah but we do need more blow !”
Greek chorus ” You shouldn’t have done that , Kenny”
The house starts to vibrate followed by an almighty explosion. The police look on in awe at the smoldering macmansion.
Gracie is unconscious in a tree next door.
A fried piece of bacon formerly known as Scottie lifts itself up on one elbow and says “Woo woo bad batch” while a blackened and black faced Kenny says while coming to “Gracie that ice cream tasted like shit ,….. Jeesus me crack has exploded ; least all the evidence has been destroyed “.
Scottie: “Gracie’s gone”
Kenny ( spotting Gracie ): ” the explosion must have dis-arsed her”
Scottie: ” disaster ?”
Kenny : “Yeah , disarsed her up on to somebody’s tree, she’s over there , He he yeah and if she’s up the tree it wasn’t me”
Police: “You’re going to get at least a good behavior bond for this one Kenny and be in a safe place for a short while”
Kenny: ” Hang on , hang on , you oughta put all the political criminals in State parliament away before youse do me an nat”
Police :” Come along quietly Kenny”
Kenny : “Yeah I’m done , such is life and it’s kinda ironic idn’t it, all me crativities gone on that crater”
Will the prematurely aged Kenny be fit enough to play for the Tiges and was he wearing his fireproof undies ( complete with Paul Murray column) seeing that Ned’s armor didn’t cover your legs ?
Greek chorus ( all together) : “I told you so”
Bob Normal(baritone):” He’s a dead horse , I wouldn’t bet on this horse …”
Rattler:(falsetto)” He’s now black , a bad black man but my house is now worth more than his ….”
Nurries: ( even higher falsetto)” typical all the nig nog terrorist bastard gets is a slap on the wrist, a slap on the wrist , with a piece of limp lettuce…..”
LikeLike
Yeah, yeah, needs a brisk dramaturging, but yeah.
LikeLike
West pic of Jolyon playing The Indian Bookie can be seen here.
http://www.thewest.com.au/default.aspx?MenuID=182&ContentID=130738
LikeLike