The Worst of Perth » worst furniture

Outrage Sunday 36 the fuzzy in the wuzzy

rottobloggo — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:23:09 +0000

And the Hitachi, hose limp, standing ignored,
Ranted and raged: ‘Once I was adored!
For my function of fuzzy and glistening drum,
But now I’m Worst, and it makes me all glum.’
The tree leaves sighed, and gave it a look:
This rusting cunt was a looser sook.
‘Like Jesper you are, with your dismal dirge,
So please, oh please, get the fuck off my verge.’

And the sofa with his pattern, fading in the sun,
Had a heart that was heavy: he knew he was done:
‘I’m fraying and wearing and ready to burst!
But the farts through the jeans were really the worst.’
Hot jizz! Cold pizza! Night sweats from sleepers!
Emissions like these gave him the creepers.
He knew he was done when, in a store,
His owners saw something they liked much more.

They’re large and they’re brown, and speckled with faeces!
They come from the bums of an unlucky species!
But please tell me why they’re 27 bucks:
Even with discount, that really does suck.
The chicen that laid these had his neck slit,
He saw the knife glisten, and thought, ‘Oh shit:
Unless someone likes me a whole awful lot,
Nothing is getting better. It’s not.’

What sort of wanker writes in haiku?
With his foot of club and his ear of glue?
Where is the sence? What is the reason?
For the obligatory reference to a season?
‘Straight lines by yellow’ – give me a break!
I’d rather shake hands with a one-eyed snake.
You’re off to great places! Today is your day!
Your worstness is waiting, so fuck off and play!

Sugar Candy Mountain

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:01:09 +0000

Paul E. saw this in East Victoria Park. A slice of student heaven? Perhaps the law of diminishing returns would kick in after the second student couch was attained.

Outrage Sunday 26 to the victor the spoils

rottobloggo — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 16:01:20 +0000

The hundreds of helicopters I’d flown in for CHOGM began to draw together until they formed a collective meta-CHOGM…and in my mind it was the most vibrant thing going; headline-deadline, print-broadcast, right wing-greenie, nimble, fluent, canny and human; hot sucked pen, liquid paper that burned like Mirrabooka napalm, junket-saturated tote bag, sweat cooling and warming up again, the welcome to country in one ear and the echoing tasers in the other, public art, heat, vibrancy and death, death itself, hardly an intruder…sometimes they were so plentiful and loose you could touch down at five or six world-class facilities in restricted CHOGM zones in one day, pap away, hear the talk, get strip-searched, catch the next one out. There was art as big as Paul Murray’s head made for $30,000; once we dropped into feed and supply one mime artist in King Street who had a bad thousand-yard stare. God knows what type of Marcel Marceau numbers he was doing in there, all he mimed to me was, ‘You didn’t see a thing, right chief? You weren’t even here.” Michael Herr, Dispatches.

After the horror, the goodie bag. I cunningly obtained two at the PCEC media hub; one is generating massive eBay interest as we speak. Look at these riches. Just look at them. There isn’t enough bandwidth to list them, but I know you will adore the lapel badge. I have the lapel badge, the tie, the pens (to suck), the bookmarks – when I have the stubby holder and the flatulence-powered radio the CHOGM souvenir circle will be complete.

With such a world-class event in town, a CHOGM surcharge is the natural order of things. Witness these craptacular ladders at a Guildford shop. The smaller one was $115; the other larger one $85. Prices bumped up by ten bucks each this CHOGM weekend. I use the past tense because barely 10 minutes after I papped them, they were snapped up by the Tanzanian third under-attache for zebra dropping import/export.

It is disappointing not everyone is getting into the swing of CHOGM things. That fucking rainmaker Bento, for example: instead of doing his patriotic duty tightening Jesus nuts on helicopters transporting hard-working media, he is hunting ANTILOP at IKEA.

No matter. Today Claremont Quarter is open for CHOGM business. Shopping delegates will be impressed with Bay View Terrace prices.

Merry CHOGMing: everyone’s a winner. Except Halloween celebrants. Krazy Kym and I briefly looked in at Natalia Fan #1’s PARTY last night, and there was a lot of “negative distressing energy”…from the link: “A basic law of spiritual science states that ‘The word, touch, form, taste, smell and its related energy coexist’. This means – where the name and form of ghosts, demons or negative energies exist, such as on Halloween, their distressing energy is present too. As the form and colour of the decorations and costumes used in Halloween celebration are similar to that of ghosts, they act as antennae to attract a lot of negative distressing energy.”

sofas do furnish a lawn

rottobloggo — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 03:51:09 +0000

No wonder Mr & Mrs Bento had to hurriedly move last year: Kelli papped this Mount Lawley furniture graveyard. Thanks Kelli. In other news just in, Cockster is banging on about Sexpo again: this ripped from the media release: “Penthouse Pet and pole dancing champion Miss Suzie Q will perform with her partner Toby J in a must see erotic ariel display, with international adult movie stars Katsuni and Kagney Linn Karter flying in especially for Sexpo,” Mr Godwin said. What: K & KLK aren’t coming to go to Rotto?

rubbwich

rottobloggo — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 16:01:34 +0000

I’m Dee Fock and I’ll be your waiter today! Our main course is from Mike (who served up jungle cuisine the other day): he’s prepared a delicious rubbish sandwich at the five-star Red Castle. Our side dish is luke-warm chunky chair chips, imported fresh from Guildford – I made them myself. Bon appetit.

The Benches of Point Percy

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 22:27:13 +0000

Grilla took a stroll around Point Percy (aka Point Walter) and discovered a tourist trail that puts the covered bridges of Madison County to shame. The benches of Point Percy each have their own flavour. One has views but is actually in the water. One isn’t in the water, but faces a blank fence and scrub. Another isn’t in the water, has a view, but is broken. Must have been strong vandals to carry one of those mothers into the river, or is this the rising water levels we’ve all been hearing about?

Not Bogan Enough

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 16:01:39 +0000

Trash it. Not bogan enough. Don’t you have something more like this?

Bed the Wench

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 16:01:14 +0000

I don’t know what it is about beds, but some of the most bits of furniture have been beds. I saw some nice pieces at Empire on Beaufort when I was there on Arrondissement Day, but this wasn’t one of them. Why?

Beds Eleven

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 16:01:15 +0000

“My God! What have I done?” - Master bedmaker.
Marble backing. Nice. From Cobbler. Another from Osborne Park.

Dad’s dead, sell the chair.

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:01:27 +0000

We’ve had some ugly chairs, and we’ve had some really ugly chairs, and some that are almost sublime in their ugliness. But this one is regal in it’s grand hideousness. Looks like they couldn’t wait for dad to cark it before putting it out on the verge. But that they are selling! it is a little rude. If it’s on the verge it’s free baby. Apart from your sister.

From Onanist, seen in Gwelup.