The Worst of Perth » worst entertainment

Outrage Sunday 18 Pööplöp

rottobloggo — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:01:21 +0000

The Ikea catalogue arrived today: please please we will now see no more of those letterbox-cleaning TV ads repeated from last year. It is the lowest form of wit to make jokes about Ikea product names like Jerker, Fukta, Fartfull and Lyckhem. Perhaps company founder Ingvar Kamprad makes jokes about WA’s eccentric retail trading laws, which mean his enormous shop in Innaloo is packed on Saturdays but empty the day after. I’m sure the SA shop on Sir Donald Bradman Drive is thronged every day of the week, and no doubt famous Swedish people can buy what they want at midnight.

But the 376-page thing caused me angst: the bookshelves weren’t in the Workspaces chapter. The Billys and the Expedits turned up in Living Room, after coffee tables. Don’t get me wrong: I am no Ikea-boy seeking my erotic gratification. Nor was I wanting to have an extra-diegetic moment. I like inspecting the books on the shelves. How many copies of Find The Love of Your Life After 50 do you need in one claustrophobic space? Six, it seems: “We imagined what would happen if six friends decided to live together in 40 square metres.” What would happen? Prison riot.

I do admire, however, their retention of their umlauts, and those little circles above the As. It is almost enough to forgive them for their break-even hotdogs.

How long before I can turn on the fucking TV and watch the footy?

Tim Winton’s Rising Lunch

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 16:01:44 +0000

Vegan calls your attention to this. I’m sure Jaidyn-Jaxxon and Justin Langer will be there. Is it just me, or does the blurb go out of its way to make sure you understand, that you totally understand that the play is the biggest piece of crap ever to be staged? When Kate Cherry says that she laughed one moment and cried the next, does she really mean, “Fuuuuuck, this is shite. You have totally been warned.” If not, what does it mean to print what every person reading will assume is a sodden tissue of lies? Kate you are really saying with a straight face that you oscillated between laughing and weeping, only pausing to count the minutes before the clichéd textures of Fremantle’s fishing boat harbour could be brought to life? Kate, every single reader will know that your real thoughts would have been “How do we cast this turkey without letting Geoff fucking Kelso… – Oh, err, Hi Geoff, how did you get past security?”On the other hand, no one could play a piece of “jetsam dragged up by the sea” like Geoff, (apart from Don Smith obviously). I’m assuming Geoff plays Col, the sexually promiscuous old dugong, caught suddenly in the mill-race of the Leeuwin Current, swept out of the blood warm waters of Shark Bay, and tossed up barely half alive in the oily waters of a Fremantle Marina, brought back to life by a mouth to mouth session administered by the local priest half maggoted on altar wine, who afterwards vomits one of those overcheesed Little Creatures pizzas through his nose, while boatloads of tight crotched Italians shake their fists – their fleet sadly and forever unblessed?

Oh my god there’s larrikin humour as well. And it’s Australia Day too. And it’s $64. Well at least there’s coarse language, as Dee, the slutty but drunk English backpacker reels off a string of obscenities, as her attempts at larrikin humour and cracks about convict heritage fall flat and the motley collection of larrikins, fringe dwellers, larrikins and expensive boat owners are forced by the staccato bark of her relentless “Wake up Aussie cunts! You want to hole up? Hole THIS up!”to reconsider what brought them to this terrible and tragic existence of living on boats in a marina, jerking like marionettes -like Aussie cunt larrikin marionettes to the tune of some aquatic Don’s Party. Or should that be Don’s Party 2?

Justin Bieber poster boy

rottobloggo — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 23:59:19 +0000

“I spotted this while reading The Sunday Times,” says TM. “It’s one half of the I Love Justin Bieber poster. Very fitting for JB.”

Yes: the Canadian actor and crooner loves his flower pots.

Update: a young person alleges the JB poster is pushing his new film. I have been unable to confirm this. What I can confirm is a report of a munted Shih Tzu tearing out Justin’s heart.

Speaking of films, check out my talented former student Simon Miraudo’s take on the latest Matthew McConaughy film: MM dragging self out of permanent worstness?

A Bushie’s Blow

The Lazy Aussie — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:01:01 +0000

Old Blocker had a hairy Crack
Bush merging with his dusty sack
As he sat astride his trusty horse
perusing a novel Tim Winton of course…

This bush poetry doesn’t seem so difficult. How was that? Easy. Brown submitted this without comment. Bush poetry is traditionally terrible, but at least there’s no Fuck of we’re full stickers on the trailer. Is there a Sufi poets trailer? In the spirit of worstness they also have a desperately bad website, very similar in style to the insanely stupid mens confraternity site. (And that’s not Comic sans is it?) Perhaps some bush haiku from youse all? Would be nice if there was some B&S style fury from bush poets, but since they meet at the old folks home in Bentley, that would appear unlikely.Bush poetry was a piece of piss
But The Lazy Aussie he learned this,
That a bumpkin’s grasp of irony
Was as useful as a cunt full of -
cold
milk
tea.

(Add some shit about the Diamantina)
(Thunderboxes)
(Sexing your swag)
(Salting your beef).

Someone please stop me!

Pulling Off Trucks

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 04:08:46 +0000

This brazen and chilling attempt by Brendon Grylls to introduce tractor pulls by stealth to the metrocentric area cannot stand. A truck pull is just the thin end of the wedge. Don’t forget Brendon that we metrocentrics are the ones that put our hands in our pockets to buy all the crap that you bumkins grow. If you want to criticise metrocentrics, don’t speak with your wallet full. And don’t start pushing your perverted country “entertainments” on us. Tractor and truck pulls, along with the satanic B&S’s should stay in Corrigin where they belong. I urge all city types to get out there and in an effete way NOT pull that rope. Perhaps the occasional “meh” could also be voiced. Can this really be the solution to the ooshta deficit in the city?

Perth Beer Fest Blows

The Lazy Aussie — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:30:50 +0000

Stu sent me this as a very worthy worst, the shambolic Perth Beer Festival but he covers the topic in more detail on his own blog, and even spots a fashion crime outside The Queens, where he more sensibly decides to drink rather than under the brutal sunshine of the esplanade. And yes we should be able to organise a beer festival here. I was wondering myself why a beer festival would have the same beers you could buy in the pleasant atmosphere of a pub. Was there a Swan Draught tent? A Speights pavilion? Stu says…

This has to be a contender for worst of Perth 2009 and we’re only a few days into the year. The Perth International Beer Festival.
What a joke, hour long queues to get in, half hour queues to get a beer and then find out the beer is warm because they’ve run out of cold ones 2 hours in. I’ve bitched about it a whole lot more here but fuck me this is Australia, surely we can organise a fucking beer festival.
Cheers, Stu I’m Fucking Parched As.(my new surname)

perth beer fest blows

Weekend Worstoff 35

The Lazy Aussie — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:58:43 +0000

Of course a couple more New Zealand worsts from my travels, but first, an extraordinary submission from Meccano in Melbourne. I just want to urinate into this.

And I first thought this was connectedwith some kind of Christmas pageant in Wellington, but I now think it is a mobile drug dealing shack.

And I’m wondering whether seahorses need an entire world? Picton new Zealand.

Worst well this weekend.