Socceroos label South Africa “A hole”. Their first press conference was marred by the teams refusal to eat the complimentary biltong…

Priests performing exorcisms dread the painful erections that are a “common side effect “. You could have cut washers off it” said Bishop…

Ernie Dingo to play Sammy Davis Jr in Rat Pack tribute concert, with Garry McDonald & Lex Marinos as Sinatra & Deano. Ernie “Cast himself…

Saxophone overtakes Chilean anus flute & bagpipes as least stolen instrument. US artist Kenny G has been blamed for turning a once respected…

Voguing devastates China’s Tai Chi academies. The stylised posing originally popularised by Madonna has reached such proportions that…

Wilson Tuckey “I also knobbed a Green.” In 1962 Silent Spring’s Rachel Carson blamed DDT poisoning for brief affair with “An Aussie moron.”…

Spitting while talking is now assaulting an officer -Barnett. Police will have the power to taser so called “wet talkers” as part of a crack…

Hospital infections would be halved if Doctors didn’t have to wipe own arses. Nurses reject an AMA demand that their duties should include…

Jenny Seaton tells how Peter Waltham “fixed her dentures” ALL night long. And how how a funeral plan had Peter Newman “Begging to die”…

Buddha’s “man boobs” a turn off for followers. Buddhist leaders have conceded that they have no hope of matching Jesus’ “blasted abs”…

Mandrake root laced beer kills 7. Drinkers who “beefed up” a pilsner with Mandrake root believed they could fly to the deli to buy twisties…

The Mormon remake of the classic movie 7 Brides for 7 Brothers (New title “7 Brides for 3 Brothers”) has been condemned by movie…

“I can never stay angry at Tiger’s penis for long.” Woods’ wife set to forgive Tiger’s wandering willie…

Empire of The Sun’s Luke Steele to play Lady Gaga in new telemovie biopic. Steele, who is called “Lord Gaga” by his friends is already rehea…

Chinese version of The Castle ends with airport victory & execution of family. Chinese producers “may have taken liberties” Rob Sitch…

Sade revamps hit song for Winter Olympics. “He’s a Luge operator… a Luge operator…

“Dig your own grave!” Cardio gravedigging is the new fitness craze in Perth. Shallow grave = 1000 calories. A full 6 footer = 5000 cals…

Tony Abbott demonstrates his “drop and roll” technique for retaining virginity…

Raise The Red Concubine: Chinese mistresses rate Aussie businessmen 1 out of 10 in the sack. 0 out of 10 in the giftshop – Study…

Bert Newton’s head “too wide” for facial recognition software. Returning from Antwerp, Newton’s head scanned as “invalid input” at airport…

Lenin & Lennon haunting Subiaco house “baffling”. Psychics say the similar sounding names may just be coincidental. John Lennon & Vladimir…

Michael Bevan’s tandoori recipe provoked Aussie cricket threat in India. A hardline Hindu group said “He put fucking paprika in it!.”…

Tiger penis wine “mostly made with turtle legs”. Critical shortage of tiger penis ahead of Chinese New Year has led to substitutions…

Dead Salinger was found clutching abusive letter from Tim Winton. Doctors have played down the effect of a 10 000 word obscenity filled…

Edith Cowan lowers nursing intake scores. Experts claim ECU Nursing graduates won’t be able to find your arse with both hands…

Jack Van Tongeren to be new face of Skyshow as Lotterywest withdraw sponsorship. “It’s a great fit for us.” Van Tongeren claimed…

ShamWow foils street urination. A pensioner who threw a ShamWow onto the genitals of a teenager urinating on his fence, would do it again…

Overheated public turn on sharks. 2 sharks who closed Perth beaches got more than they bargained for as swimmers “tore them new gill slits”…

Buried Hangi “slow cooks forever”. Council workers in Timaru inadvertantly laid a concrete path over a buried hangi. Returning from pub,…

“Brozebo” refused planning permission. Part of the Men’s Sheds project, the Brozebo where men could stand in the shade and talk about chicks…

Malaysia -We invented the Singapore Sling. Originally made from Palm Oil & “blood of a Chinese Communist” the Malacca Sling was stolen by…

Hammond asks court to declare tree “hostile witness” as Patti Chong set to represent “Chainsaw Council” and Geoffrey Robertson flies in…

Beach residents fall for wind scam. City beach residents who paid for the Freo Doctor to arrive early at their houses have lost their money…

One of these was believed. Which one?

“My cat goes to university, where he will be put down. “Murdoch Uni rejects new bumper sticker…

Tree Man’s feces saps local support. 38 days of accumulated waste around the trunk is alienating local supporters & may be killing the tree..

Ponting’s Mum washes “stinking” Baggy Green. The OZ captain’s original baggy green cap was reduced to the “size of a crumpet” after boiling…

WA Govt to jail lightning for starting bushfires. In a get tough policy, WA’s Police minister announced a 3 strikes policy for lightning wit…

Struck Ponting “saw visions of Choctaw Ridge”. Me & Tubs Taylor were throwing somethin off Tallahatchie Bridge. I think it was Marcus North…

Rural boom as Mandrake Root & Henbane crops outstrip W.A. barley exports. Increased interest in Wiccan culture & sorcery is reviving…

When the Lord sends me a shit sandwich – I make lemonade. Tony Abbot…

Outrage as James Cameron slated to remake Casablanca in 3D. With Adam Sandler, Chris Rock & Lindsay Lohan…

Smoke over Perth may be “burnt pubes” FESA. Fart lighting Rockingham teenagers have been blamed for the heavy smoke haze over Perth. Invers…

Portal claims ridiculous- Council. Former newsreader Peter Holland’s claims that a “stargate” exists under Council House were labelled bogus…

Terrified McGowan “Crying in toilet”. A Troy Buswell prank where he turned up as a swearing Santa to Mark McGowan’s electoral office ended…

“Gay crabs” hit estuary numbers. Homosexual-like activity, rampant in Mandurah species of swimmer crabs has reduced spawning by 40%. Scienti…

Ponting admits – I have a cat that blogs. The OZ cricket captain’s judgement was questioned when he revealed 1000′s of out of focus cat pics…

Hauritz claims his new steampunk delivery will knock Doosra for six. It leaves the hand like a Chinaman, but spins like a red bitch on heat…

Complaint as hotspot “Shows anus”. Short leg fielder Simon Katich made a formal complaint after his back door “lit up like a xmas tree” when…

Perth Zoo fortunes in hands of masturbating gibbons. Secret visitor surveys have found 94% of visitors ONLY come to see wanking primates…

Brawls, orgies while Peter Holland sleeps. Edith Cowan media students admitted they often fornicated or fought whenever the ageing lecturer…

Burnt out Guildford Hotel to become SAS live firing range. A state of the art anti terrorist training facility will require “minimum modific…

Ben Elton hits out at WASO as Danny Green preferred as celeb baton. “You (Symphony Head Paul Daniel) are an arsehole . I’ve written musicals…

“You be the Princess, I’ll be the throne.” Tiger’s desperate love plea to wife…

Kingswood Country branded racist by American viewers…

Here’s the Best of the TWOP twitter newsfeed. Current news alerts are in the sidebar, or subscribe to them all with The Worst of Perth rss news feed so you don’t miss any gold. Whoa, reading agin, these are pretty funny.

Tim Winton fights “No shoes no service policy”. A Sydney restaurant got more than it bargained for, when the dishevelled “Bum” they refuse…

Dolphins died of “ennui”. Murdoch vets have confirmed that Swan Rivers dolphins are dying from a combination of wistfulness and nostalgia. T…

Susannah Carr’s sensational tell all book “Newzhound”released by Fremntle Press. On Rick Ardon. Hands like an octopus, head like a squid…

Zempilas to Patti Chong. – “You’re not A List anymore. Deal with it!” Basil Zempilas, Perth’s George Clooney was opening a new footpath in…

Lagos to Lisa Scaffidi, “We are not Perth’s Sister City!” Furious Nigerian Officials claimed they were duped by the Mayor into a Sister City…

Cook & The Chef’s Maggie Beer describes herself as “Biddy -licious” and sidekick Simon as a “smouldering voil au vent of energy.”…

Mitchell Johnson’s mother hits back. “You’re adopted. And you smell.”…

90% of journalists still drive Sigmas. – Wheels. “An undercover journo driving a Sigma, might as well have a sign on their head. ” said the…

Cundall “Too pretty for jail” – Defence. Fearing he would become “someone’s bitch” the vivacious 84 year old begged the bail court judge for…

Peter Cundall had shiv made out of carrot. Tas Police confirm the veteran gardener “somehow obtained pointed vegetables” while in custody in…

Edith Cowan to Issue 2ply and quilted degrees. Following the Australian University audit (AUQA) Edith Cowan University has decided to make…

Julie Bishop’s personality “cured” after touching Tony Abbot’s robe. Formerly described as having the personality of a frying pan…

Brokeback Mountain to be animated cartoon series. Perth creatives Damn Torpedo have been selected to ink Young Brokeback, an animated preque…

Glacier faked. NZ Herald has revealed that parts of Sth Island Fox Glacier have been “augmented” with white painted rocks, as the real ice…

Middle East racehorses could have “bombs inside them” -Tuckey. Wilson Tuckey called for internal examination of horses from Arab countries as ter…

Slade, Status Quo unite to debunk Mayan apocalypse. The Quo’s Rick Parfitt claimed both bands had tours cancelled for 2012 due to panic over…

PR industry to sacked jounos – Fuck off we’re full. A hooded PR rep told #media140 that redundant journos were not welcome in the industry…

Kabbalah out Voodoo in. Madonna & Bruce Willis are just two of the Hollywood stars to ditch mystical Judaism for the new craze Voodoo. Tranc…

Butcher to #media140 – Journos should try cheaper cuts of meat. Rabbit, brisket and neck are delicious alternatives for redundant media professionals…

The Best of the TWOP twitter newsfeed. Current news alerts are in the sidebar, or subscribe to them all with The Worst of Perth rss news feed so you don’t miss any gold.

Trotsky House for Queens Gardens. The Mexico Cty home of Leon Trotsky to be relocated to Perth park to save it from developers. The ice pick…

Harem pants “Not on our radar” Premier. Despite vowing to ban Capri pants from Nthbridge after 3am, Colin Barnett has reassured harem pant w…

Hopman Cup “More popular than Jesus”. McNamee. Fundamentalist groups were in turn outraged and baffled after Cup stalwart Paul McNamee made…

Sacked journos go burlesque to pay rent. A burlesque “crew” formed by redundant Fairfax online journos has won the Golden Boa at Pragues B…

Federation Square empty as Melb crowds head for Northbridge Piazza. Perths newest vacant lot threatens to tear the cultural heart out of Mel…

Tim Winton’s Hyde Park plan “unworkable”. A spokesperson for the Town of Vincent claimed that the author’s Dugong sanctuary proposed for H…

Alan Carpenter vows to “avoid eye contact” and “walk the other way as if he has something to do” as he joins Bunnings/Wesfarmers board. Form…

Singapore “The Perth of Asia” – Forbes. The China edition of Forbes magazine has labelled Singapore as the Perthiest Asian City, ahead of B…

Singapore Gvt slams “Perth of Asia” tag. A description of the Lion City in Forbes Magazine as “Like Perth but with slightly more Asians” has…

What says Christmas like a burnt out Hansel and Gretel cottage?

The Best of the TWOP twitter newsfeed this week. No comments on the Shazza tweet huh?

Current news alerts are in the sidebar, or subscribe to them all with The Worst of Perth rss news feed so you don’t miss any gold.

Mother attacked over fart collection throwout. A Morley man who collected farts in jars for 15 years “snapped” when he found his mother had…

SWest Sharons brawl over nickname. A night at an Albany hotel turned bloody as 3 women fought over the right to be called “Shazza”. “Shaggsy…

Italian blogs run foul of censors as use of “Pagina” blocked. Despite being Italian for page, the word pagina has taken on sexual connnotations…

Mandurah a ghost town as new highway opens.  Derelict brothels, abattoirs and crab shops are the result of the Mandurah bypass bypass opening…

New highway brings culture to Bunbury. Exotic goods like coleslaw, post-it notes, and suede have hit Bunbury for the first time. as Perth-Bu…