Give us your worst of Perth. Send comments below or submit images to
perthworst at hotmail.com
| My Ning on Time for some sackings at The… | |
| anonymous on Ho tel Hell (No Riffraff) | |
| Snuff on Weekend Worstoff 250 | |
| The Lazy Aussie on Weekend Worstoff 250 | |
| Scanners on Weekend Worstoff 250 | |
| Snuff on Outrage Sunday 101 smudging of… | |
| rottobloggo on Outrage Sunday 101 smudging of… | |
| Snuff on Outrage Sunday 101 smudging of… | |
| Outrage Sunday 101 s… on Apple and Eve | |
| PeteF on Weekend Worstoff 250 | |
| Snuff on Weekend Worstoff 250 | |
| Weekend Worstoff 250… on Rocky | |
| Bill O'Slatter on Rocky | |
| BSWAM on Rocky | |
| Bento on Rocky |
Pingback: The (don’t arf) Penn « The Worst of Perth
It would be good to have a search function.
I was looking for a ghastly house at Chidlow to see if you a had picture of the wild boars at the gate but I gave up. No idea how to find it.
Bill
Search is on the right at the bottom of the column. I think we have had the boars.
http://theworstofperth.com/2008/02/12/when-boar-dom-sets-in/
you no hoper bludger,
about the registered lawn which mine is not,you call people arsholes and cunts because they choose to have a nice manicured lawn right to the curb,while you probably a lazy fat pisspot lays on the lounge yelling out to your missus for another stubby and to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Dude. You don’t have a manicured lawn. That’s the problem. Go and have a look at it.
I love that he makes up an imaginary TLA, and then gets angry at it because of the things he imagines it doing. Brilliant.
I’d like to think he goes outside, sees the lawn and thinks, “Oh right. That’s what the cunts are going on about. I have a registered dustbowl. Now I get it. I’m totally going to have to apologise…”
And the frightening thing is that a flute teacher lived at that house when I was there. This guy has the tude of a saxophone player.
“Whatever you can imagine is real”, or so said the sign at the north freo antique purveyor
Yes yes vinyl banana lounges are coming back
Boaring.
Also, a crafted google search should yield results:
i.e.
boars site:theworstofperth.com
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=boars+site%3Atheworstofperth.com&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a
:)
Yo, LazyAussie, what’s your usage policy? Can people use images from your site with appropriate linkage/reference?
Lazy boy is an elitist wanker. He needs to get a life and a new career (if you can call what purports to be!)
Inhale, FY.
Shut up Nurry, you cunt.
Congratulations FY, you are now a member of the not-so-exclusive club of fuck wits telling TLA to get a life. You have become a Perth worst in your own right.
Nicely put shazz. Very nicely put.
Can I join.
Hey Lazy. Get a Life.
On another note, how about the Worst Australian probe-o-meter… this is a fave saddo pastime while imbibing overpriced SSB, counting how many ‘probes’ those poor excuses for copywriters can cram into their crappy straplines…
Don’t forget ‘salad’ and ‘tailgating’, too.
ooh, I thought I was the only one that noticed that
my favourite was when former DPP Robert Cock was under investigation and they ran a headline: “Cock faces probe”
Noice
to me, the best thing about Perth is the overwhelming joy you experience when leaving the place.
If you would like to see the cat lady circus that’s on right now, come straight away to 143 Sixth Avenue, Inglewood 6052. They are tearing down the trees in her yard and everyone’s here: police, news teams, council, photographers, reporters , even Peter Harvey is here, and more. It’s fun. See you there !
Gettin’ shots of her being tasered?
No, actually. The Cat Lady and her mother never resort to any violence. They are too intelligent for that.
Sound like the perfect types to be tasered by cops.
This one?
http://southern.inmycommunity.com.au/news-and-views/galleries/Controversial-Inglewood-House-Demolished/1668/
Yeah . The cops look really bored, as though they are just itchin to taser someone.
I loved the street party by neighbours when the place burnt down. It’s this placve right? or is it a different kooky kabin?
http://theworstofperth.com/2010/05/18/wordless-worst-week-dont-feed-the-ibis/
Yes Wombat, the exact same one. The cat lady’s name is Tatiana and her mum is Ursula.
Yeah Lazy. It’s the same kooky cabin as you say. But the kooky cabin probably won’t be here by the end of the day. Hurry before it leaves. It is still not known what the kooky cabin is used for, though. I suspect it is a smoke screen.
I find myself in sympathy with tasering crazy cat ladies. I hope Constable Care would say “Just two cats or youse gets ze zaps.”
Unfortunately I am unable to leave my employ to cover this event.
Hey lazy. Your repertoire is really coming together.
I don’t know what that means, but yes, yes it is.
Poor old Cat Lady lights up like a pinball machine and TLA is cheering?
A good tasering might do CCL’s some good. Taser the cats too.
I’ll tell her you said that!
If the council can’t get the message through with a letter that 100 cats is too much, then what will she listen to but tasering?
The cat lady will be back. She wont go without a fight. Will today be the final stand?
Let’s fucking hope so. The SOC!
I hope so knobski
I humbly suggest that TWOP takes on a second moderator. I miss the back-and-forth of the pre-slander days.
The rest of the interwebs has caught on to our worstitude:
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs424.ash1/23479_387683137824_724412824_3799826_6668146_n.jpg
http://www.realestate.com.au/106620579
When I was a kid, this was a Freecorns (does anyone remember Freecorns?) It had a combined newsagency/grocery/butchery/GREAT selection of lollies. On Saturdays I’d walk, armed with my pocket money, from London Street to Charles Street and buy my dose of Archie comics, or in later years, MAD magazines and little white bag of mixed lollies (always with Sherbies and milk bottles) and walk home with my nose in the comic stuffing my face.
Sad to see it looking like this.
I wish there was an easy solarution…
I have similarly fond memories the local Freecorns in Napolean Street, Cottesloe, Rhu.
And there are lots of great photos of their Freo store, (which later became Tresurway, and then Chain Reaction), here, which was next to Charlie Carter’s, and opposite Bairds, (which later became Target).
Oops . *of, and *Napoleon.
Oh, and here’s quite an Archie comic cover for you, Rhu.
Maybe I should have gone with The Asian beat-off?
Bangkok Hand-job?
and heres another
http://www.comicbookdaily.com/wp/daily_news/sleepy-censors-9/
I’ll work on the link thing for next time
here
I remember Bairds.
I also remember the Charlie Carters down at Dog Swamp and the browm paper bags with the purple parttern on them. What’s where that Charlie Carter’s used to be, now, I wonder?
Thanks for the links, Snuff. Great stuff.
Nothing like a Freecorns reference to get the commenters out. I was born a Tom the Cheap man myself.
I had you picked as a Crabbe’s man.
Mum and Dad still call it Crabbs.
I’ll bet they still moan about that new Chicken Treat replacing Leonardo Da Vinci’s, too.
Give it another couple of years and you’ll all be tuning into 6PR’s The Way We Were with Steve Gordon.
Thanks for reminding me that it’s Sunday night, NF#1.
I’m more a Chris Ilsley man myself, Snuff.
Fair enough, NF#1. Although I’ve never heard of him, his profile he seems ok. Flash Gordon, however, has been a deadset national treasure for decades.
Oops. That forgotten profile link would be here.
Ilsley does the graveyard shift talk-back on weeknights. Did you look at the photo? Oh the stories I could tell. Much more fun than OL trolling, especially given Isley’s propensity for opinionated, self-righteous brow-beating of the drunks and mental deficients who comprise his listenership.
That profile link was very scary. Person most like to interview is a dude from the Titanic? Seeing that lineup reminded me who really shits me. Ted Bull. I need a photo.
If you insist, TLA. Now this is scary.
Maybe this one?
You know I mean original photo. I’m sure an original would show a dude far more hideous than even those pics.
Mounting the kerb, of course.
Next thing, youse cunts will be dissin’ Maybury.
Worse real estate agent would have to be xxx xxxxxxxx from xxxxx xxx xxx.
It has stunned us, our broker and settlement agent how lazy and incompetant he is.
It’s been one thing after the other, (wrong name written on contract which was hand written as he ran out, refusal to amend contract saying get settlement agent to do it). If ever there was an agent that doesn’t care about the deal except for his bottom line, it’s xxxxxxx. And he’s so obvious about it.
Now he’s ‘forgotten’ our final inspection.
Pity the poor vendor too. X was so eager to ‘slay them at the sales meeting tomorrow’ (we’re still reeling from that comment) that he didn’t give anyone an opportunity to re-present an offer, thereby potentially losing the vendor thousands.
He also slagged off his p.a. and office staff at various times.
Not a very professional boy.
One in a million.
There are exceptions, of course, but it seems that sales figures are more important than the function itself: Always have been and always will be for the individual for whom fame (or infamy) is the governing criterium.
Jesus wept! (profusely) The picture will follow, I know you have a backlog as I am only up to weekend worstoff 22. I do not know where to start the superlatives. On your stats I am a lazy pom but put that down to slow2 mobile, I would have done what the bali guy did and downloaded the lot in one hit but not possible. (telstra anyone) anyway thank you.
Hey Mike – like others, I suspect, I find your bleating mildly confusing. As a relative newfag here, I can recommend simply wading into the pool.
Hey Andrew
I’ve just added you into our new directory. keep up the good work.. or would I say, worst work. anyhow… keep it up.
http://perthlisting.com.au/detail/the-worst-of-perth-19.html
Surely legitimacy is only just around the corner now, TLA?
Or could it mean that PBL has jumped the shark?
Now, that would be step down (or three) on the ladder of street cred.
Even Dentures Perth is ranked higher than TWoP.
Perhaps “Andrew” has lost his bite?
Maybe I need some Jenny Satan promo magic?
Depends which demographic you’re going for. For your demographic TLA, I’d reccomend Peter Waltham or John Colwill.
Or maybe Dr Peter ‘MD’ Harries, PhD.
I actually did consider him… and Peter Dean.
it’s nice to know that “comedian, artist and photographer” is considered a listable business
you guys do like to get your teeth into a good pun.
vagan?
typo?
name change?
I met Natalia Fan#1 in person the other day. Looks not unlike dedicated onanist’s current facebook profile pic.
Natalia Buff Fan #1?
Gee, thanks TLA!
no. but thanks for caring waaa-kching.
http://cdn1.dailybooth.com/pictures/large/59c2f41fe20af72a00fff800036d52e0_2488407.jpg
also
http://cdn2.dailybooth.com/pictures/large/22a8d43560eab60914ab80ce15850552_2722292.jpg
The worst suburb in perth is Dianella where i live because everyone who is there or most people are bogens all the kids are really mean and do knock run’s and there is tones of people on drugs.
aah, the sweet suburban melody of shooting up.
How did I miss this one?
And so, how long has TL101 been our resident
trollLegend?james m
I am a proud long-time Dianella resident who has never encountered any of the problems you mention, James M.
whos been to wellington dam?
What? No rooting?
Be very carefull about what u say about the book u sound
Like a top of the range fuckwit,
Ahem. Unfortunately no “get a life” directives as yet,
hey bretto, do you have those silhouettes of naked chicks in the window of your hyundai, so youse can pretend its a truck?
do you hang around truck stops so youse can talk to real truck drivers and ask to see their big rigs?
hey Bretto, have you fucked an aussie icon this month?
What book? What fuckwit?
Or you’ll do what? Cunt.
I assume you were the editor, bretto.
Ban the Berks
Getting grade 2 ‘Reading’ flashbacks here. He said.
Is Bretto the pimp for the Lot Lizards?
Bretto, , is available for speaking engagements , and apparently, a bit of Danny Green action. Can disengage your frontal cortex with one glancing blow.
Breaking news: Russell Crowe to star in film adaptation of Dirt Music.
Bretto to start in film adaptation of Truck Gal
Bindii Irwin to start t in film adaptation of “Bretto: The Musical”
….. as Bretto. It’s a big role.
Mel Gibson would have been better.
“On the face of it, [Winton] is a redneck, but he quotes Blake, reads Keats and cries easily”.
Wha?
Quote of the day.
Pomgolians gettin in on the Wintoning ?
Christ!
Not an inverted cultural cringe.
Surely not.
(Prolly a nasty pandemic)
LA, I note that your name may be on the following list of media retrobates :-)
http://watvhistory.com/reunion/NEW-Roll-Call.htm
MacDonald, Andrew
Say your video skills extended to working with one T Johnstone ??? :-)
:-)
Not me fortunately.
someone should address the Western Suburbs. The nerve centre of the Cashed Up Bogan phenomena.
In the 1200 plus posts, the west has been represented reasonably often. you just have to search.
The Northern suburbs are a better candidate for home of the CUB.
Agreed.
CUB’s north, south and east.
Western Suburbs: Proof that old money smells just as bad.
Agreed, the Western Suburbs are for those that own mines, not work in them.
TWOP has its own dedicated Western Suburbs correspondent, vanessa. Just search for “outrage” and you’ll be like a pig in (odour-free) shit.
Yea verily.
Although I do maintain minor yet rewarding interests in the latter end of Guildford Rd and the ‘Ling, nurseries and public transport oddities.
Curious as to how I can get in contact with ‘The Lazy Aussie’?
The email is listed there.
Just wondering mate, if you think Perth is so shit, why do you still live here?
I think Perth’s pretty boring, and really just a joke. The people, activities, tourism and the culture are all shit. But I don’t fucking whinge about it on a blog that really isn’t funny. And if you have good friends you dont need any of the other shit to have a good time.
Now that I think about it, why the fuck would you even write a blog? Get out of your house and get a fucking life, and maybe you will enjoy Perth a bit more.
If you think it’s shit get the fuck out, like I am in 2 weeks, instead of complaining on the internet.
Fuck you
Snore. Looser
thanks to modern mobile telecommunications, I can leave the house, have a life, enjoy a good time with my good friends, and still be a sanctimonious curmudgeon in the blogosphere
I believe they call it ‘multitasking’
Glad to see you’re doing something constructive “instead of complaining on the internet”. Oh, wait…
buying himself a life on ebay.
fly-in fly-out counts as getting the fuck out, duzzin it?
lives in rurotardia, visits every two weeks, gets the fuck out each way
Fuck!
Good freind’s, good time’s – thats whats its all about!
Does The Lazy Aussie even have a “house’??
Mate?
I was trying to explain the correct meaning of the word “vibrancy” to a fairly new Broome resident, and wanted to send him a link to an appropriate part of TWOP.
Looking around for one of your excellent pieces on the subject I could not find one – can you publish a link here please?
Here
http://theworstofperth.com/2009/10/29/9-forces-driving-vibrancy/
And obviously here.
http://theworstofperth.com/2010/04/19/onkyo-the-indoor-ooshta/
Fuck, LA, sure WOPers would pay a thousand just to see the photo.
Meanwhile, Gympie Pines golf course owner Mike Towler is offering $1000 reward to anyone who can help catch the person who carved the outline of a huge penis into one of the course’s greens while others battled the flood disaster elsewhere.
“People’s emotions are bound to be pretty raw at the moment and to do this sort of damage to people is absolutely woeful,” he told The Gympie Times.
“the other side of human nature”:
http://www.gympietimes.com.au/story/2011/01/14/vandal-gympie-strike-cash-reward-flood-rain/
Thanks DC, sure LA has sent the cheque?
Who’s email is that?
Is commenting borked today? I want to talk about Darch.
Hmm OK so these ones appear.
I might have to make up a Darch Dog Tshirt
You can’t make this stuff up.
“Our professionally trained and qualified groomer offers a full service including…gland management as well as our own ‘doggy’ massage.”
They’re not called Shag Dog Grooming Services for nothing, obviously.
No.
No you can’t.
What part of dianella do you live in Natalia Fan 1 and have you been her for long?.
Help. I just want to send some pics but how?
send to email perthworst@hotmail.com
you shouldnt be able to put up personal details like number plates
Why the hell do i have to look at Rob Broadfields fat ugly sweede everytime i turn a page in the West. He has some form of social commentary on every possible subject going on every second page. Until he came to prominance you just know he sat at home eating Macdonalds being an ordinary journalist reading his thesaurus looking for words that no-one gives a fuck about to describe a plate of food.
Get off our pages and give us something decent to read about.
Not a waiter at Indiana are you Chris?
Manager? Mâitre D’Hôte? Got shares?
Hi TWOP
I’d like to know if one of your users online could take a photo of the redlight-speedcamera on hepburn ave and marmion ave what someones down is moved the flash so it faces the camera and looks like they’ve spray painted the camera lens
Regards
Daniel
Wired.
I’ll put that pic link up as a post tomorrow. Thx fredrickson.
Gaint.
Your Sprung Orbea now that i got this.
Wired again.
gaint looser
You have the upper hand on your website…you make ignorant and ill informed statements about me in particular…a manatee? I’m not even a vegetarian let alone a cow…you hide behind your website untouchable invisible gutless cowardly meet me in the flesh do you dare? John Howard…
you have my email although of course I don’t have yours…the ball is in your court…I imagine you will not have the courage to talk with me face to face…prove me wrong
You do have my email.
You’ve just been caught up in a Wintoning that’s all. Everything about the play except the actual play was fine.
In my predictions I had Geoff playing the manatee, (Tim is rumoured to be starting a Dugong sanctuary in Hyde Park) “I’m assuming Geoff plays Col, the sexually promiscuous old dugong, caught suddenly in the mill-race of the Leeuwin Current, swept out of the blood warm waters of Shark Bay, and tossed up barely half alive in the oily waters of a Fremantle Marina, brought back to life by a mouth to mouth session administered by the local priest half maggoted on altar wine, who afterwards vomits one of those overcheesed Little Creatures pizzas through his nose, while boatloads of tight crotched Italians shake their fists – their fleet sadly and forever unblessed?“
I just recently came across the Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP). Has anybody heard of it? Sounds like a bit of fun.
Link?
Here you go.
I didnt really care enough to goggle it, smart arse,
LOL
Nicely done, Bento.
“Not being happy unless they have a portrait of Dennis Lillee in their loungeroom;”
http://theworstofperth.com/2008/02/16/lilleys-lair/
http://westernaustralianwarp.wordpress.com/
‘tagged as satire’
they wish
why cant abortionists be charged for crimes against humanity? why cant politiciansxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Yes, yes, and why do birds suddenly appear. Why can’t Christians be charged for their endless crimes against humanity? Take this somewhere else Abs.
nicely done tla
oooooh! Cott’s having its street festival today, their Big Day Out to Beaufort’s Glastonbury. I will keep my worsting hat on as I peruse the streets, sorry, street.
George St in East Freo have theirs tomorrow. Hope we have our stilts back from the BOFO in time.
Who knew? http://www.perthnow.com.au/news/most-violent-night-spots-named-and-shamed-by-police/story-e6frg12c-1226212929670
Why isn’t the mullaloo beach hotel listed, we have our fair charge of violence in mullaloo. If I opened a bar I’d call it, Make Love Not War.
Mobile cams at the ready :)
“Give me a home,
“Where cashed-up bogans roam……”
Comment #7
Rolly, can a cock slut be classyfied as a Bogan?
Of all the things you might be, bogan is perhaps not one of them Valerie.
drunk at 4:07 pm? Dude.
Nah not today, as much as tortured sentence above might indicate otherwise.
Nothing classy, fied or not, about bogans.
You guys all suck balls, elephant balls, Dogs balls. I’ve sent heaps of really good photos of funny shit that we’ve noticed and you’ve never posted them up, For i.e the speed camera that was laying on the ground. balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls
I much prefer Matt’s Zen-like acceptance.
Matt was like a non retarded Yoda. I liked.
a non retarded Yoda – is that a concept capable of being achieved?
i watched star wars on friday, i’d forgotten just how cute yoda is.
It’s because of comments like that that gentlemen are reluctant to watch Star Wars with ladies.
Krazy Kym watches it with me – but then again she is the Princess Leia to my Han Solo…
wholemeal buns?
Whereas, my mob regard me as having both the temperament and appearance – albeit a bit miniaturised – of the Wooky.
WTH…..Mr Perthect is now with you children. Everythings gonna be okay.
Hey Laze, I ran into you over at the latest WordPress fuck up. Your blog is a total riot. Drop into our pub http://www.pigsarms.com.au
Laugh ? I nearly shat !
Is it OK to steal some of your best (with attribution of course) the large penis collider photo is going to give one of our regulars (Little Hadron) a heart attack !
Sure. But your blog doesn’t seem to have content?
The registered lawn in Claverton Street is an impossibly long corner verge constantly being assaulted by cars parking off the street. Watering twice a week is totally inadequate to maintain its health. Anyway it is now lined with native plants and the sign has gone. Posting photos without indicating any background information is not only an intrusion on privacy, inviting nasty mindless comments but shows this site to be manned by a bunch of smug self-righteous smart -arses. Glad I got that off my chest.
” Posting photos without indicating any background information is not only an intrusion on privacy,…” These are not connected.
“..smug self-righteous smart-arses”. Well he/she got that right.
Link please…
This I think.
http://theworstofperth.com/2009/12/07/registered-wankers/
those were the daze
If it’s visible from the street, it’s fair game, no?
I would find “background information” much more intrusive of my privacy, personally, than a picture of whatever my house looks like to whoever walks past it any given moment of the day.
completely and utterly fair game barkeep.
The Streisand Effect in action
Looser
I put the complaint to the people’s editor. They responded “That doesnt make SENSE!”
it made MediaWatch on Mon:
http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s3478634.htm
well if the response to any complaints i have made about online commenting of the west website is any guide, i’m not expecting anything.
Translation: “I own those photons”
ROFLMAO
Hey, U BumDick faces – get a life and make this shiteba work in Melbourne also. Just like bloody India nothing works. At lease leave that attitude behind.
.
what he said ^
hi all just let you know that i remember “pizza showtime theatre restuarant” as i worked there from the time it opened till i was dismissed about a year before it closed down…wow what a mad house it was…lol cheers JohnM
Dismissed? Spitting in the dough?
Inappropriate touching of the animals?
Was that known as ‘topping’ at that venue?
Margherita? I barely knew ‘er!
i reckon the worst of perth, and laziest, is you lot who cant be bothered to look for a comparative word for your foul language !
Cunt.
ah, but we know how to use punctuation!
In passing I noticed one of your reported tweets “Cyclones to be named after pedophiles – BOM. “There’s no sense of urgency with Cyclone Lisa, but if Cylone Dolly Dunn was lurking off the coast”.
Couldn’t help but add ‘or Cyclone Father John”.
I really hope there’s not a cyclone Jake the Peg.
Bogans with Wings. Have overweight bogans in motorised paragliders regularly flying over my house at Iluka and checking out the misses as she sunbakes.
Anyone have detailed plans for a powerful orange gun? I need the oranges to reach at least 500ft AGL
You wish.
Iluka? Theyluka, more like. Amirite?